Violet.
I smile at all of the girls similarly dressed in our black leotards, lifting my tote bag higher over my shoulder. I've donned a thick, cashmere coat over the top. October's cold has started to seep in and as I walk away from the group of them, dark leaves crackle under my feet.
Rockley looks a lot more like a castle as autumn has arrived. The tree's leaves have started to fall, pooling in orange groups at the bottom and floating around the cobblestone floors. Dreary skies and clouds that look moments away from dropping rain.
The walk back to Lenora Hall after evening rehearsals are always my favourite. The campus is quieter than afternoon practices, or morning ones. None of the girls share the same dorm as me, though I see them most of the day anyway.
Ballet's become everything. Just like it was when I was younger.
My body's needed to become accustomed to it again but I haven't lost my edge. Ever since my first class a month ago, I was roped right back into the first thing I ever loved. It's like I never left.
Now, I'm wearing leotards and pointe shoes half the time, rushing into lectures late since we always run over the time. Blisters have returned to my feet and they ache, a lot of the time but it was always something I treasured. Like evidence of my effort. I've made a name for myself in the arts at Rockley, detached from my mother's legacy.
Sometimes, I still think of Auburn. Sometimes the shame wants to come back. I try, hard, not to let it.
I hold my coat around me tighter as the wind picks up, hurrying into Lenora Hall and up into my room. I shut the door behind me and hang my coat up, thankful that it's warmer in here. Leia mewls at my feet and I pick her up, cradling her in my arm.
Daphne's not around so I perch on the edge of my bed, smiling down at my girl who nuzzles against my skin. Once I've given her some love, I tend to the pointe shoes on my feet. They're new so I've had to break them in over the past week.
I pull the wool out that I use for padding and undo the ribbons around my ankles, stretching the joints out and wincing as they ache. I need a warm shower. Like a good, warm shower but that means I have to stand on said feet and I just wanna fall asleep right now.
My phone starts ringing. And my heart falls in my chest. I freeze.
I hate the sound of that phone. I hate the phone, given to me by Dean a while ago. He has dominion over which contacts I have, and don't. The only time I get a call is if it's him.
Time has passed and I've morphed into what he wants so he leaves me alone. Content only when I'm hidden away in a ballet studio. And I tried to kid myself at first but no matter how long its been, the people I've left behind feel like an ache in my chest.
But I don't think about them anymore. The only way I get by is if I force myself not to. It's the only way I can keep breathing. They're the past. A once-was.
But I look over, surprised.
I have my brother's contacts and Grayson's calling.
I pick it up as fast as humanly possible, holding it to my ear, "Gray?"
"Hey." He says and I shut my eyes. I've called Azure and Sage on a few occasions but not Grayson, as much. The sound of his voice feels unfamiliar now that it's been so long, and that very realisation makes my chest hurt. He's my brother. We lived in the very same house.
"Hi." I say softly.
We're quiet for a minute. Have we turned into strangers? What happens now? It's been so long.
His voice is a lot more tender than usual when he breaks the quiet, "I have a baby girl, Vy."
My heart stops a moment, and then it starts to soar. God. Charlotte's due date was in a couple weeks but I'm guessing the baby came early. She was five months along when Grayson had been told, and now, four months later, he has a kid.
"Gray." I try not to let my voice shake, "I'm so happy. For you, and her. You have a baby girl."
It still feels so surreal. A niece. Grayson's daughter, breathing and living somewhere far away from me.
"Is she healthy? And okay? Is Charlotte okay, and are you- sorry, I should've asked you first-"
His deep chuckle sounds out, "We're all okay."
My eyes have started to well up, thinking about how things can change. Who knew? That I'd be here, that at twenty, Gray would be a dad. I've not let myself cry in a long time. I forced every tear back and even now, it feels instinctive to shove it down.
"I miss you." He says, softly.
"I miss you too." I force the tears back. Down, down, down.
"A Bentley's picking you up from your dorm room tomorrow. And you'll be taken to Sage's jet," He says, "And then to Azaria."
"What?" I breathe, "I-"
"It's a short trip, only a few days." He says and I can practically hear his smile, "Anna's waiting for her Aunt Vy."
"Anna?" The tears are literally on the brim. I'd suggested Anna to him, a while ago. I miss him, all of them and now there's a baby in the family. The first baby from us siblings and I already feel my all consuming love. Oh, I'm gonna love her so much. Forever.
I feel like I've missed so much, skipped to a part of the story and I wasn't included in the previous parts. I didn't get to be there for her birth, for the time leading up to it. It was stripped away from me. But I focus on the fact that I get to leave.
"What about Dean?"
"He knows." I can hear his restrained anger, boiling beneath the two words, "Don't think about him. Not for now."
I nod, "Okay. I'll- I'll see you tomorrow then."
"Tomorrow."
"Give Anna a kiss from me." I say, smiling at how perfect that sounds. She fits. She's meant to be in this family, even if she wasn't expected and I'm gonna love her to death. Excitement bubbles in my stomach for the first time in so long that the emotion almost feels weird. I've been used to letting the days drag along, a monotonous cycle of nothing. This makes me feel like I've jumpstarted back to life. Something, within months of misery.
Little Anna.
"Will do."
We say goodbye and hang up. I remain perched on the edge of the bed, letting the torrent of emotions run through.
I let my face fall into my hands, composing myself. I've had to endure so much of Dean's company as of late. Nothing too terrible. But I'm like his arm candy around campus, having to submit. His threats and blackmail only got worse the more I tried to fight back.
Threats against me, and everyone I love. From the past I try so hard to forget. Forgetting would make everything so easier.
Everest Jones. How hard he is to forget. I've made relentless attempts. But it's like I've always known - I could watch him fall in love again and be cities away. My very last thought would be ones of him. The only love I can't forget because of how deeply we embedded into each other's hearts.
Everest Jones. Remember me too.
I run a hand through my hair and get up on my feet. To pack. To see my brothers. Azure. I miss him desperately and the other two and my new niece. Returning to Azaria Village, for the first time in months.
Everest.
I run. Pumping my legs and picking up pace with every minute that passes, circling the field. I'm sprinting by the empty bleachers, around and around as part of my daily routine.
The field's floodlights are on, the only light to the dark around me now that it's nearing 9:00. A beanie covers my head, my hood up over it and soccer shorts on despite the bitter cold of New York in autumn. My lungs burn, oxygen morphing into mist as it leaves my mouth in puffs.
I've done fourteen laps of the field. I started from ten, adding a lap every night until I reached thirty. My endurance has built up now unlike ever before.
"Give it a break, Jones!"
I look over my shoulder as I run, spotting Coach at the corner of the field. I smile a little, picking up my pace with all I've got until I've circled the field and reached him. Heaving, I pull off the beanie and run a hand through my dishevelled hair.
I don't say anything whilst Coach assesses me in his tracksuit. He knows I use the field most nights. He was the one who granted me access as long as I don't fuck around.
He never smiles but there's slight amusement to his eyes, "How many?"
"Fifteen, sir."
I'm taller than him but he ruffles a hand through my hair, practically shoving me before he starts to walk away, "Don't get weak on me. I want twenty five tomorrow, kid."
I follow him. He locks up the gym and locker room before we make it out to the parking lot, walking side by side.
"You've straightened up." He says coldly, as always, not looking to me, "Your shooting needs work, defending's sloppy against quicker players like Carson."
He's silent for just a second, "But you're one of the finest I've seen. You have potential other's don't. A future in your sight that others don't. If you want it, you need to know that and not fuck it up. I've seen it happen too many times. So I'll kick you out before you start to fuck up, with resentment."
It's hard to hide my smile but I do, cos he wouldn't appreciate it. Instead, I nod just as we're about to part ways, "Thank you, sir. I won't let you down."
Coach Nolan waves me away and I turn around, heading to my car whilst he heads to his. I'm fucking freezing so I pull on a coat I left in the backseat, starting the ignition. Traffic is fucking abysmal at this time so I'm stuck in it for a while, surrounded by the gleam of the city and red lights.
I'm in the middle of a yawn when my heart stills. A Bentley's by my side. A cream coloured Bentley and I'm looking, trying to see through the tinted windows. In an instant, it's like my blood's pumping a mile a minute.
But instead, the Bentley pulls over by a designer store and a grown woman steps out. I look away and back to the traffic, swallowing the knot in my throat. Home. Just think about getting home. I don't think about it the whole ride home and I'm glad when I make it into the apartment, the loud chaos of my family always taking the thoughts away.
I toss my keys just as Benji runs over to me. I hang my coat up, hugging him back, "Hey, Benny."
"I never see you anymore. You're all being athletes and forgetting about me." He grumbles, glasses crooked.
"I'm the only real athlete here." I taunt, just to earn Luca and Hudson's glare when they turn over their shoulders, playing a game on the TV.
Luca's boxing training takes up a lot of his time and strength. I'm at soccer practice so much it feels like I see nowhere else. And Hudson's returned to hockey.
Me and Miguel devised a plan. We'd secretly left around little brochures around the apartment. Our jig didn't last long. He found out and threw one of the brochures at our heads. And told us to give it the fuck up. After a tense argument, I annoyed him into trying out.
The team wanted him. And now all the fucking ladies want him too. Seriously. It's like he's become the goddamn king of NYU. He doesn't thrive off the female attention but gets it anyways. There's a new girl around the apartment every other night, gone by morning.
I haven't seen Benny as much as usual so once I reach the couch, I sit right by him and listen to his rambling. About anything except school. He hates school and Ria's worried. He hasn't made friends yet, but look at him. He's the most loveable of us all. I know he will.
"And that is why I hate mother Gothel." He concludes with a sigh.
Miguel shrugs where he's sat on the floor, controller in hand, "She was hot before she got all...shrivelled."
Luca hits him on the head, grimacing, "You're such a weird fuck."
"Yeah, you probably are too. How about it, Ria?" Miguel turns over his shoulder to Ria, who sits behind him, "Is my brother a weird fuck?"
Before Luca can pounce, Ria leans down to hug Miguel from behind, arms around his shoulders. It's her main tactic. If she doesn't want Lu to beat the living shit out of something, she attaches herself to it. Luca doesn't lift a finger, trying to seem annoyed but his eyes alight with that spark saved only for her.
"Fuck this." He throws his controller and storms over. In one swoop, he's lifted her up bridal style, kissing her neck and making her laugh. He sits with her now firmly in his lap, arms locked around her like a cage.
"Don't leave me alone to these fucks, love." He nips at her neck, "Don't go."
Ria's starting her travel scheme where she learns medicine around the world. She's off to Buenos Aires soon, for a few weeks. As much as he doesn't want her to go, he's happy for her.
Ria loops her arms around his neck, leaning in, "And if I stay?"
I'm close enough, unfortunately, to be able to hear him when he whispers against her neck, "I'll fuck you all night long. I'll tire myself out. Whatever you want from me, you can have it if you sta-"
Ria shoves him away. She half glares, flustered, "Don't tempt me like that."
"I'll seriously fuck you all night long if you stay."
"You'll fuck me all night long anyways." She says against his lips.
They should be thankful that I covered Benji's ears with my hands a long time ago. Idiots. Extremely horny idiots. Their arms wrap around each other and I divert my attention to Val, who sits cross legged on the carpet and looks through movie selections with Miguel.
She meets my eyes for just a moment. I see the way they soften, time seeming to still because we always tend to think of the same someone when we look at each other. I look away coldly. I don't let them see. Not when everyone is attentive and every one of them tiptoes around me. They look, wanting to see inside but I've shut myself off like a box with chains wrapped tightly around it.
"What about that one?" She suggests with a shrug, "It looks cool. It's sci-fi."
"Oh, Vy loved that one!" Benji exclaims and the entire room seems to deaden. My fingers curl in on themselves, offering a small smile to Benj when he looks to me excitedly, naive to the tension over our heads.
I can definitely feel their eyes on me now. Pity is like a palpable thing, all directed at me and I want to run from it. Or crush it because of how much I fucking detest the feeling. I've been scarce with my family. So distant it's like I don't see them, even when I'm sat right by them.
I haven't mentioned Violet in weeks. I haven't laughed truly, or ate dinner with them like the pact we made because I'm too busy running and running around that field. I'm drowning but I don't let them see anymore. Not like I did at first. Haven't for months.
I can't be around them, without it feeling wrong. I sit to eat dinner and all I feel is her absence. I speak to them together and all I can pay attention to is the lack of her voice. I don't want to be around them if she's not right there with me too. It feels wrong.
Violet Amory. How hard I try to stop thinking about her, for just one moment of the day. Until a Bentley passes me or I see somebody in a white tennis skirt or someone mentions sci fi movies. Until I'm alone and she's not there too.
It's almost been two and a half months since I last saw her face. Time's passing. Things are changing. And I don't know where she is or how things are changing for her. Once, we were welded together and now, everything's apart. She's the love of my life. And if you asked me what she was doing today, or the day before, or for the past month, I wouldn't be able to tell you.
I guess this is what it would feel like. A breakup. Becoming strangers when you were once a part of a whole, that only she could complete. Not knowing each other anymore. I knew you most. I knew all of you. Is it still the case?
I can't sit here still anymore so I get up, turning towards my room. They don't ask after me. They've learn to stop trying so I retreat into my room, throwing off my shirt and shorts and turning the shower to the coldest temperature possible.
I step in, my muscles cording up with tension. I suck in a sharp breath, my body entering a state of shock that always makes my mind stop spinning. For this moment, it can only focus on the icy cold and how to get out of it, but I force myself to stay. Needing to feel something. Needing to stop thinking.
I stay under the raw, stinging cold until it starts to hurt my skin. Redness covers my body when I eventually step out, haphazardly drying off and pulling on boxers. I meet my own eyes in the mirror.
Everything of hers is still here. Her toothbrush, her makeup on the vanity and her clothes hung up on the hook of the door. Everything's still here but I can't feel her here.
I never realised how much I used alcohol to harm myself until I stopped drinking. Now, all I can think of are alternatives, to the pain. I want it to hurt physically, instead of infesting mentally. I want to feel it, see it instead of drive myself insane.
My eyes flit to the packet of razorblades on the counter. It's not the first time I've thought of it, feeling something like that. It's not much different than breaking the bones of my hand, drinking myself into unconsciousness. Maybe it's even a little healthier.
I pick up one of the blades, spinning it between my fingers. That numbness spreads over my body.
Just as I look down to my arm, the door's shoved open and I drop the razor blade, the metal clattering into the sink. Dazedly, I turn my head to Ria and she stops in her tracks. Her eyes slowly register the situation, bit by bit, silence brimming the air. If I didn't feel so detached, maybe I'd be worried.
It takes her a moment to start moving and when she does, she doesn't speak. Silently, she picks up the razorblades and the rest of the pack. She leaves the room and when she returns, it's without the blades and then she takes my arms, not looking up at me when she asks, "Have you done it? Anywhere else?"
I shake my head. She nods tersely and then leads me back into my room. Her tough exterior was believable until I see the way her eyes are welling up. A pang resounds through my chest. I did that. Shit, what the fuck am I doing? What am I thinking?
What would I have done?
"I'm sorry." I start to say rapidly, sat on the edge of the bed, "I'm sorry. Fuck, I'm sorr-"
"It's okay." She whispers softly and holds me where she stands in front of me, my forehead against her stomach. Another slice of pain through my chest. I haven't felt contact like this since Violet. I miss Violet.
Tears don't leave me. I don't think they could if I try. Ria holds me close and whispers again, "It's okay. But you're never doing that again. If you even think about it, you tell me."
How do I tell her that it's all I think about recently?
"Ev?" She urges gently.
"I'm used to pain. I need the pain, Ria, it feels like I can't breathe otherwise."
Her hold on me tightens. I don't look up because if I see her tears, because of me, the guilt will tear me whole. I'm not used to speaking my thoughts aloud to anyone but Violet.
"Ev," She starts hesitantly, "Maybe, we should look for help."
"Help?"
She crouches in front of me so we're more face to face, eyes tender with love, "Yeah. When I get back from Buenos Aires— I'm going to get help too. Therapy. You did always say I needed it." She tries to joke, a small smile pulling at her lips.
Unease settles in my chest, throat constricting, "I don't know."
I've never been good at asking for help, from the people I loved most. I hid behind alcohol and parties. The thought of therapy sounds like my worst fucking nightmare.
"We're only young. And I know we like to think we can take on the world, but there are things I can't help you with. I want to see you okay." Her eyes well up again, "More than anything, I want you okay. You're not okay, Ev. I don't think you have been for years. Pain, wanting to harm yourself - it's not something you should welcome. It can stop."
"Luca's been through more than me." I murmur. Why should I be going to therapy, whilst he's perfectly fine? Whilst he's been through hell and back? I didn't go through anything he didn't.
"You've been through enough." She shakes her head, "And Luca's going to try too."
I let that sink in. We're all a thousand different shades of fucked up. I never even considered getting help. I never thought I was in need of it, not as much as others.
But if Ria hadn't barged in, I don't know whether I'd have just dragged the blade over my skin to feel the pain. What if I had lost control, like I tend to do? What if it had turned into something irrevocable and I wasn't sitting here right now?
The thought of it stopping - the urge to be stupidly reckless, to drink dangerously, to put myself in harms way - I never even fathomed it. Imagining a time where my mind isn't something I want to constantly silence.
So as terrifying as it feels, as much as it makes my chest tight with anxiety, I nod. Ria's eyes light up momentarily and I feel gratefulness for her. A constant, a best friend.
But more than that, I shut my eyes and search for sunshine, far away from me. Like she'd taught me to.
I could be falling into the deepest abyss and all I'd have to do is search for her. Wherever we are, me and her, we catch each other from falling a step too far.
Violet, more than anybody, would want me okay. She'd hold my face in her hands and kiss my cheek. She'd tell me I'm strong and that getting help would only make me stronger. So even as she's miles away, I feel her pulling me back from peril. She pulls me from the edge of the cliff. I want to be okay too.
"You're going to be okay." Ria says with promise in her tone and I try hard to listen, "And-"
She looks hesitant and I meet her eyes, "What?"
"Violet's back in Kilned. Well, in Azaria. She's going to see her brother's baby."
My throat tightens. Everything seems to spin for a dizzying moment. She's in Kilned. Not states away from me but a 45 minute drive. The thought of seeing her again, cripples me. I can't really fathom much right now except getting to her. I don't care if she might not want to see me. She hasn't called, texted in weeks. But I just have to have faith.
We promised to love each other right. We were each other's, only. It can't ever change. Although doubt settles in, that certainty stands higher than the rest of it.
"I need to see her." I breathe out.
"We're driving up tomorrow morning. Hudson knows where the hospital is. We'll fucking sneak in if we have to. We're going to see her." She says strongly, hazel eyes burning into mine.
I'm going to see her. Hell or high fucking water. The last time I saw her face in person, tears stained her cheeks and misery hung over us like a cloud. She was ripped right from my arms and that's the memory I've had on repeat, the last one.
Violet Fawn. God, I'm going to see her again. If the last month hadn't taken such a toll, I would probably fall to my knees and let tears fall. I'm not capable of it anymore, too ruined to feel properly.
If I ever lose my way, I look for the ballerina able to light any path she glides through. I look for Violet.
I promised I'd get to you, Vy.
<3