A/N: Okay everyone, ready for a ride? Big things will be happening for all characters, starting with Meredith and Amelia. It will take awhile to conclude all storylines, as these next few chapters will focus on one or two pairings each. Anyway! Thanks all of you reading, voting, following this fic! You guys rock!
Enjoy!
Four years ago:
Cristina's little red Toyota bounced and jounced along the gravel road of the cemetery while Meredith stared straight ahead. Lexie's hand clutched hers, but she hardly squeezed back, her heart and mind full of mixed thoughts and feelings. She didn't notice when the car stopped, or when her door opened. She barely acknowledged Cristina standing beside her with her crutches.
She didn't want to be here.
But she did.
She'd been in the hospital for nearly two months. Three weeks of which she didn't remember. And the remainder had been hell. She lost her baby, and with it, she felt like she lost herself.
"Meredith?" Lexie's voice pulled her out of her reverie, but she didn't want to move. She couldn't.
"It's okay, take your time," Cristina said.
Cristina waited.
Lexie waited.
Their stares weighed on her, and if she had the emotional energy to snap at them, she probably would have. But Meredith gave in, reaching for her crutches, somehow finding the strength to pull herself up. Her breath caught when she was upright, wincing at the sun in her eyes. Why did it have to be nice out today? Ahead of her, a little to the right was Derek's grave. And behind it, under a tree was Grace's. A little white stone in the ground.
Mark had videotaped the service. They'd had it a week after her accident, when she was still in a coma. But this was her first time here to see her baby. Meredith wobbled, biting back the ache of grief. She felt hands steadying her as she shuffled forward. But she pulled away from them toward the tree. She stopped and stared at the simple plaque. 'Baby Grey-Shepherd.' It read simply, with only one date.
Meredith dropped her crutches and lowered herself slowly to the ground. Tracing the 'B' with her finger, she didn't know what to say, what to do. Her pelvis ached. Her chest ached. Penance, she supposed."I was going to name you Grace," she whispered. "Because... you..." she hiccuped, her chest heaving. "After Derek- after he got shot, you... you saved me. You weren't even bigger than a pea, but you saved me. So I was going to name you Grace."
Memories surfaced: Her first ultrasound Lexie framed and put on the mantle; Staring at her slender figure in the mirror with her hand over her belly-button trying to see a bump; In the tub with rubber duckies she picked up at the dollar store, talking to the baby; The day she actually 'popped' and no one would leave her belly alone. More ultrasounds. Listening to the heartbeat. Feeling the baby move around inside her. Her first kick. "You kicked me a lot, you know," she muttered, wiping an eye.
And then it hit her. She never got to hold her baby Grace. "Oh," Meredith gasped."I'm sorry! I'm so sorry. It should have been me. I wish it was me. I'm sorry... I couldn't... I didn't-," she swallowed. "I didn't protect you." Emptiness swallowed her. There was nothing more she could say. Stroking the stone, she laid beside the grave and cried.
xxx
Now:
Time stopped, and all Meredith could do was hold pressure. The world spun around her a thousand miles an hour, but Meredith only saw Anna's blood running rivelets through her fingers and under her palms as she tried to stop the bleeding. How did this happen? How did she get here? If she'd ignored Lexie's freakout... Meredith swallowed. She already lost Zola, now this?
"Mere," Amelia said in the background.
Meredith couldn't respond. Anna's breathing shallowed and her eyes closed. "Anna!" she shouted, rubbing the girl's sternum.
Her eyelids fluttered, grey-green locked on grey-green. Anna's gaze slowly focused back on her, and Meredith saw a flicker of recognition from the girl "Docker Merediff?" she whispered.
"Yeah," Meredith replied, keeping pressure on the cut in Anna's abdomen.
"I gotta cut?" Anna asked, wincing.
"Yeah," Meredith said. "But I got it. You're gonna be... it's gonna be okay," she nodded even as the blood seeped under her bare palm.
Anna's hand slipped on top of hers, "Maybe I'll see my mommy," she said quietly, her gaze drifting up and above Meredith, over her shoulder. "Noah says she's in heaven" the girl said matter-of-factly.
"You can't. There's a mommy who wants you here, so you can't go. You need to stay here," Meredith argued. She'd lost enough. She wasn't going to lose Anna. Even if she never saw her again.
"Merediff," Anna continued, "I wish... I wish you were my mommy."
God, thought Meredith, when the universe wanted to be cruel, it just went right for the jugular didn't it? Under her blood-soaked hand, Anna's abdomen rose and fell with every gasp. "Anna, you're gonna be okay." With her free hand, she felt for a pulse.
"Tired," the girl said, closing her eyes.
"Anna..." she begged. There was just so much blood.
"Meredith!" Amelia shouted. "Sofia's not responding. Her pupils are sluggish. We need to get them to a hospital!"
Meredith blinked, lost.
xxx
Several Weeks Ago:
Meredith stood in front of Grace's room. The door was closed and had been for a long time. But April and Jackson would be here in a couple hours, so she had to get closure. Squeezing the brass doorknob, Meredith pushed the door open a crack and slid through.
The curtains were open, and the sun lit the room in a warm glow. The walls were lavender, and combined with the daylight glow, it made the room a soft magenta.
Her hand brushed the wall by the crib. She'd painted it the day after she found out she was having a girl. The crib Alex helped her buy was still folded against the wall. He was supposed to help her put it together... but-
Meredith wrapped her arms tightly around herself as memories came back. The rocking chair was from Richard. There was a row of plush toys people had bought her throughout her pregnancy. She picked up one of the bunnies and stroked it before setting it down. The model Ferryboat was from Derek's office. She needed a piece of him there.
And of course, she smiled at the box of newborn/infant diapers Bailey had brought. Always the practical one, Bailey had been the first to reassure her and prepare her for being a mother. Unopened presents that the Shepherd sisters had sent in advance for her baby shower covered the change table. Folded up on the dresser were oodles of baby clothes; onesies, little hats, and booties.
She picked up a white onesie. In rainbow colors, 'I am loved,' was stitched on the front. She wasn't sure, but she thought she got it from Arizona. Meredith clutched it, running a hand over the soft cloth before lowering herself to the floor. Folding her legs indian-style, she spread the onesie between her knees. She stared at it for a long time, folding and unfolding it before she spoke. "Hi," she rasped to the empty room. Except it wasn't empty. Her baby was here. "I'm sorry I haven't visited. I've been... I don't know," she sniffed. It hurt to be here. She'd been preparing for motherhood, for birth, for life. And then all she had was emptiness. Coming here was always painful. But today it was necessary.
Meredith reached into her pocket and pulled out a rumpled piece of grey construction paper. On it was a picture from a coloring book of a child being pushed on a swing. "I didn't think I could do it, be a mom. Especially..." her gaze drifted to the Ferryboat. "Especially without Derek.
"But then I saw you." The day of Derek's funeral, she'd had the ultrasound. She hadn't been feeling well, and it was Addison who took her and did the sonagramThey'd both been emotional wrecks, but seeing the ultrasound even that early had been reassuring.
"You were just a blob. But you were a piece of me and him, and I had to do it," she paused and let out a shuddering breath. "I think about you all the time. Whenever I see a pregnant lady, or a baby, or..." When she saw Anna... "I think about you. You probably would have had his hair, and maybe you would be chatty, like him. But I would be fine with it if you were quiet too," Meredith sighed. "I wish I could've at least held you. I really would've liked to hold you."
It was so quiet in the room she could hear the birds sing outside. Her eyes burned with tears, but she didn't wipe them away. "I um... I have to ask you something.
"I'm trying to be..." Whole? Healed? She wasn't sure she would ever be again. The losses were too great, the pain too much. But- "I'm trying... to find me again. When I lost you I lost myself too. It was pretty bad."
She wanted to give up. More than once, she wanted to stop living, and just lay there and fade away. But it'd been four years now. Almost five, and she couldn't be like that anymore. She was meant to be extraordinary, she was born to save lives.
"And... I um-," Meredith stumbled, "I need to see this through. I need to be a mom. I need to try. It's like there's this hole in me that won't heal." She almost couldn't bear it now, the thought of being a tired old spinster. That wasn't her. That wasn't who she wanted to be. Meredith had finally come to realize that she wanted more.
"Her name is Anna, she's really something. But she's all alone. And I thought... I could be her mom. She doesn't have anyone." Meredith looked down at the picture of the girl on the swing while picking at the carpet. "I'm not replacing you, I couldn't. Not ever. I love you so much. But I need to move forward. I need to love someone again. I need to feel..." she sniveled, unable to articulate how she felt that moment when she woke up next to the little girl. How it felt to have little hands poke her like her baby had kicked her. How it felt to carry her in her arms, to look at her sweet face and wonder about the future. It was something she'd never expected, never realized she wanted again. But now that she had a taste...
"Is it okay?" Meredith asked, "if she has your room? If I give some of your stuff away? April's having a baby too, a girl. I had a fight with her, so I wanna make it up somehow," she rambled. Wiping her wet cheeks, she waited for an answer.
The sun lowered, the orange glow overpowering the lavender shaded room, bathing her in warmth. She exhaled and closed her eyes. Something was happening. A sudden peace filled her, the pain lessened, the guilt eased. It was like Grace was there.
"Okay," Meredith nodded. She had her answer, and it felt wonderful. She sat there for a while, paying her respects, then pulled herself up. She picked up Derek's Ferryboat, Anna's picture, and the onesie. Giving one final look around the room, she stepped out and closed the door.
xxx
Now:
"Meredith Grey! Snap out of it! Wake up! We need you!"
Meredith shook herself out her daze. What could she do? Anna's skin was clammy, and her baby pink tones were gone. She'd been holding pressure for several minutes, but the bleeding continued. She looked at the chaos around her. How would they get to a hospital? Traffic in the tunnel was deadlocked. Even if they pulled the girls out of here, the ambulances couldn't move. On foot the hospital was... twenty minutes away.
She looked back down at Anna, then over at Amelia and Sofia. Her sort-of-niece had a large purple bruise on her head, and looked so still. Too still.
"Mere," Amelia called again, breathless. She looked into her eyes, Derek's eyes. She saw him. Calling her, pulling her out of the grey mess.
You can do this.
You're not finished.
They weren't finished. She wasn't finished. Hoping, loving. Being.
"Cautery," she said.
"What?" Amelia asked.
"You," Meredith snapped at the young man beside her. "Go to my car, the grey Lexus," she flung him her keys. "In the back, there's an emergency surgical kit. Get it. And leave your bag. I'm gonna need that." She licked her dry lips, tasting blood. Instinctively the back of her hand brushed her forehead and she felt pain. Dammit, she'd cut herself, but it didn't matter. "Amy, I need you to..." she blinked thinking. "I need an IV, saline, fluids, plasma if he's got it." She shifted slightly, trying to maintain pressure.
Amelia nodded, "Ok," quickly rummaging through the paramedic's bag.
"How's Sofia?" asked Meredith.
"Her pupils are still sluggish. She hasn't gained consciousness. But she's breathing and her pulse is steady."
"Good." Meredith nodded. There was nothing they could do at the moment for Sofia. She was already wrapped in a blanket for shock.
"She better be. She's practically my niece. Mark would kill me if anything happened to her." Amelia clambered over the seat, snapping on gloves to her help with the IV's.
"Yeah," Meredith whispered, grabbing a tourniquete for Anna's arm.
"No plasma, but I found a wide bore IV for the saline. That'll help maintain her pressure."
"Good." Meredith blinked, trying to focus. Trying to think. "Pain meds. Is there any there?"
"Yeah..." Amy said, digging out a bottle of Morphine. "Meredith, what's the plan here?"
"I'm going to have to cut her open, find the source of the bleed, and cauterize it." The blood was a dark red color, meaning it was deoxygenated blood from a vein. Which was a good thing. If it was arterial, Anna wouldn't have made it this far. "Got a lighter?" she asked. Amelia didn't smoke, but Meredith knew she kept one because people at her AA meetings sometimes needed it.
"Yeah. Mere?"
Meredith glanced at her sister-in-law, seeing her questioning gaze."It's the only way." It'll just be temporary, till we get an OR."
"Ok."
"I got the kit!" The man returned. He was a paramedic. Meredith noticed his badge said, A. Deluca. "I also grabbed this blanket I found in the trunk."
Derek's ratty blanket from the trailer. "Good, okay. And we'll need the stretcher."
"Uhh..." Deluca hesitated, staring back at his ambulance.
"There's a dead guy on his stretcher," Amelia said.
"Well, We need something, we'll have to transport them." Meredith snapped on a pair of gloves, leaving it to him to figure it out. Worst case, they'd carry them, but that could lead to complications like torn stitches, or it could exacerbate Sofia's head injury.
Amelia pulled gauze and sterile towels from Deluca's kit while Meredith opened her surgical kit one-handed.
"Okay, what do we do?" Amelia asked.
"Help me move her, I need to lie her flat."
"Got it." Carefully, they eased out of the bus, Amelia taking Anna's upper body, and Meredith grabbing her legs. The two of them laid the little girl flat on the ground.
"Okay," Meredith cut off Anna's shirt and peeled it off. With a sterile towel, she wiped the blood off the wound. The gash was sizeable and fairly deep, but it didn't seem as bad as she thought. "Okay," she did the math in her head, calculating Anna's estimated body weight to get a ratio for morphine. "1 mg of Morphine."
So focused were the surgeons, that they didn't notice several bystanders recording them on their camera-phones.
When Meredith pressed her hand into the abdomen, Anna winced, "Owww!" she moaned, but then fell silent as the morphine took her. "Watch her breathing," Meredith commanded.
"It's good, she's good, Mere. Do it." Amelia had grabbed a small bottle of oxygen and a mask and held it over Anna's mouth.
Meredith moved her fingers inside, searching for the bleed. Finally, she found it. The external Iliac vein. "Okay." In an OR, she would have time to stitch the vein back together... But here? Now? She'd have to do a graft later. "Got that lighter?"
"Yeah," Amelia pulled it out.
"Okay." Meredith used a scalpel to widen the wound, get more visibility. She didn't have suction, but her finger was right there, on the pulsating vein. She picked up the smallest forcep in her kit. "All right, heat that up please." Amelia ran the flame under the tines of the clamp for several long seconds.
Meredith took a deep breath. "Sorry," she muttered to Anna as she swiftly brought the forceps down on the wound. The smell of burning flesh made her gag, and Anna's body jerked, though she didn't waken. Meredith continued holding it there. "It's gonna be okay. You're okay," she said tearfully. Perhaps more to herself this time. "I need a zipper stitch," she called as she packed the rest of the wound. Amelia pulled out the small plastic device that would temporarily 'zip' her incision back together. The two of them applied the device before wrapping her in more bandages.
"I got a stretcher," Deluca ran up with the lightweight ambulance stretcher rolling along beside him.
"What happened to-," Amelia started, then made a face. "Nevermind."
"Okay, let's move them both," Meredith said, wrapping Anna in Derek's blanket. Together, the three of them lifted Anna onto the stretcher, and carefully strapped her in. Then, on the other side, they strapped Sofia in.
"Mommy," the girl called, looking up.
"Hey," Amelia said, "You're awake kiddo, that's great."
"My head..." Sofia pouted.
"You're going to be just fine," Amelia said as she hung up the IV bags.
"Let's go." Meredith straightened up and gripped one end of the rolling stretcher. There was no time to waste.
"Got it," said Amelia. But before they moved forward they noticed the crowd. People everywhere surrounded them, in awe of the surgeon's skill, and the unusual surgery they had witnessed.
It didn't impress Meredith. "Move people!" she snarled, they had lives to save.
xxx
A/N: The medical stuff is all made up... I'm a writer, not a doctor!