(saturday, 7:05pm)
i hadn't spoken to my brothers since the argument. whenever i saw them around the house, they didn't even look at me. i was heartbroken.
school had sucked. and my wrists were not looking good at all. i think my cuts were infected. i had tried to cover it up with concealer for gym class so no one would notice. it worked, but it had grew very painful and was swelling even more. it looked horrific, so i just had to wear long sleeved clothing until the swelling went down.
my brothers would know what to do. but they would never fucking talk to me if i tried to talk to them.
matt hadn't been driving me to and from school. i had to walk which meant leaving earlier in the morning and not getting home until later in the afternoon.
how long was this gonna go on for?
i was sleeping over at macy's house tonight. i needed to get away from home for a bit, and she let me sleep over.
matt and chris were in the kitchen when i went down.
"i'm going to macy's to sleep over" i said.
they didn't respond. they continued scrolling through their phones
fuck this. i was going anyways.
i just ignored them and went down to the porch to put my shoes on. then i left the house with my bag and headed to macy's.
(11:34pm)
me and macy had a relaxed evening, we did face masks, watched youtube, played some video games.. it was nice.
we were lying on her bed, both very tired. she was physically tired but i was mentally tired. and drained.
"thanks for letting me sleep over. i just don't wanna be home right now, my brothers hate me." i said, sighing.
"why do they hate you?" she asked. "how could they hate you?"
i shook my head.
"i cant say because i'll make it worse. i just made a horrible mistake and i've cost them a lot now." i frowned. "and they said it's all my fault. i haven't spoken to them since fucking wednesday"
"oh, maddie. i'm so sorry" she frowned, bringing me closer to her. i rested my head on her chest as a tear rolled down my cheek. she stroked my hair as i slowly drifted off to sleep. i was so tired. i could hear her muttering words like
"it's going to be okay"
"don't cry"
"you're going to be absolutely fine. it's all going to fall into place"
and before i knew it, i was asleep.
(4pm, next day)
i had slept like a baby last night and me and macy made waffles for breakfast and just relaxed most of the day. a thunderstorm was coming later, so i needed to get home before it started otherwise i would probably risk getting struck by lightning, seeing as my brothers were definitely not gonna pick me up.
they'd definitely be happy if i walked home in the rain.
i got back home at around 4:45pm, the storm hadn't started yet luckily but the sky was beginning to darken.
i got into the house and it was all dark. no one was there apart from trevor. i was confused, so i checked my phone to ask where everyone was, but i already had a message from matt.
matt❤️❤️❤️
matt❤️❤️❤️: We're sleeping over at Nate's tonight
what??? why??? were they trying to avoid me THAT much that they had to leave me home alone?? at night??
i'd never been home alone at night before. i didn't want to, i was gonna be so scared. i hated being home alone in the day anyways. i always got so paranoid that someone would break in. but at NIGHT?
You: what why??
You: no please don't i don't wanna be home by myself
matt❤️❤️❤️: You'll be fine. Chill it's just one night.
why did they hate me so much. i guess i just wasn't gonna sleep tonight.
(8:07pm)
i had made myself a cream cheese bagel and ate it on the sofa. i hated how quiet the house was. i could hear the thunder outside and the rain pouring down. trevor was keeping me company at least, but i just wanted my brothers. or my parents. or someone who i could talk to.
maybe i could invite alahna over?
no, that would be weird.
i stopped overthinking and finished my bagel, then went upstairs to have a shower.
i was feeling really nervous about showering for two reasons.
1. if someone broke in whilst the shower was running i would have no idea
2. last time i showered the soap got into my cuts and it was even more painful than it was when i cut them.
i took some deep breaths then unchanged and got in the shower. i made sure to be as quick as possible, but i didn't clean my wrists because of the pain i'd be in.
i finished in the shower, got out and wrapped a towel around me. i put on my black pajama pants and a black hoodie. i locked myself in my room and watched netflix on my computer, hugging trevor, who felt like one of the only people who loved me right now.
(12am)
i had fallen asleep with netflix playing on my computer for god knows how long, with trevor snuggled up beside me, when suddenly the thunder woke me up with a loud bang. i jolted awake, my heart pounding out of my chest. i hadn't realised it was the thunder which is why i was so scared. i started hyperventilating, then stopped, remembering there was a storm outside. i woke trevor up accidentally, but he didn't care. he just licked my face as if he was saying "it's going to be okay."
i shut netflix off and turned my LED lights off so that the only light in my room was from the street. it was pretty much pitch black though.
(4am)
yeah. i hadn't slept yet. i couldn't. i couldn't fall asleep. i was tired, but i just couldn't fall asleep.
i had been tossing and turning in my bed for hours. since 12am, and i had to get up in 3 hours for school.
shit.
i went to the bathroom to pee, then when i was done i stood in the hallway, just thinking to myself, looking at my brothers closed doors, which were empty inside.
i decided to go into matt's room. i closed the door behind me and got into his bed with trevor, pulling him closer to me.
in my opinion, matt's bed was the comfiest bed in the whole house. it smelt of him too which gave me comfort. i turned over on my side, scratching trevor's head, and i didn't realise that i was crying until trevor started licking my wet cheeks.
i just want my brothers right now.