I was keeping my eye on all three doors. Anytime I noticed someone approaching through the glass, I would sit up straight, ready to stand. I felt disappointed as others were called before me. It was approaching five minutes after my time when a younger looking woman came out and called me. More than anything, I hate when doctors don't call you at your appointed time.
After getting to know about her, I spent the entire session telling her as much about my past as time allowed. The more I kept telling people, the easier it became to talk about them. Her eyes became misty, but she didn't tear up or cry. I'm happy because I don't handle other's emotions well. I tend to mirror them upon myself.
At the end, she thanked me for being so honest and sharing so much. When I saw the psychiatrist, she talked to me about the same things but also how my emotions were affecting me. She saw the stuff from Dr. Irlova and knew I've thought about hurting myself. So she made me promise I would ask for help if I have those thoughts again or if I ever planned on doing it.
She gave me a list of numbers for hotlines and made me sign a document promising to call them if I need. I signed it but thought it was pointless. I just couldn't see how signing the document would make me not do it. The session took almost an hour, and she told me which prescriptions I would be taking.
Later that night, I stared at the six bottles of medications I have to take every day. I just couldn't help but think dad destroyed my life. He damaged me so completely that there is no point in me being here anymore. I swallowed dry to lone night pill and wondered how long it takes to work.
I was doing homework when Eirik came in. He showed me a picture of us all when we were younger. He told me what Sarah wanted him to do, and that reminded me I was supposed to do it as well.
I looked at myself standing in front of our Aunt Sharon. I missed her so much. She always made me feel loved and accepted. I know she was super religious and went to church four times a week, but not once did she ever talk down about anyone.
I looked back at myself in the picture and saw a boy who lost his soul. A boy whose eyes looked like dark pits of emptiness. I turned away in pain and loss. The boy who came before is dead forever. I'll never find him again. I can never go back.
Eirik apologized, seeing my obvious pain. I told him it was alright and pulled out my English book. My poem was still there, and I had an inspiration to add more. I began a new poem on a new page. When finished, I read it over.
Perhaps melodramatic, but screw them both. People should know what they did. I fell asleep in a better place emotionally. Hopefully it lasts longer than waking up in the morning.
The next night when Eirik came home, he told me the coach wanted me to come back to the team. He said I was still on the roster. The idea of dad adding me to the roster surprised me.
Maybe without dad there, I would enjoy playing. Eirik even added I could play center and he would play as my wingman. Mom supported me, but I would need to wait until after Christmas.
Eirik brought up the tournament, and I realized I would be stuck alone with all the parents and the younger siblings of my teammates. Wow, I'm already thinking of them as my teammates again. I hope Eirik's line mates won't be upset that one of them will be moved to another line.
I wish Charlie could come to Chicago with us and spend time with me. I thought about his smile. It's too bad he plays soccer instead of hockey.
I wonder what he looks like in his team uniform. Hockey equipment doesn't lend itself to noticing anyone, but soccer uniforms are hot. Well, any sport where they only wear gym shorts and a thin jersey is great.
Sitting with the guys before class the following Monday, the school seemed abuzz with whispering and sideways glances. I wondered what was going on.
Simon sat down and leaned in to whisper, "did you hear the news?"
"No, what's up?" Eirik asked.
"The police arrested Coach Francis, the varsity hockey team's head coach," he said. I felt Eirik's hand take mine under the table.
"What for?" Charlie asked.
"A player accused him of assaulting them. People are saying he recorded it too," Simon said.
The color must have drained from my face in horror. He recorded it. What will people think of me now? Eirik squeezed my hand tighter, and I held on for dear life. Charlie must have noticed my face because he looked at me and his face fell.
"Jesus!" Joey's voice spoke from what felt like a great distance. I noticed Noah looked horrified, too.
"What's going to happen to Ezra?" Joey asked. I composed myself and let go of Eirik's hand.
"Not sure," Simon said. "Rumor is his dad was hurting him, too."
"He deserves to die," Joey said.
All-day people were talking about the rumors. Once home, Eirik asked me how I was doing. I admitted I was terrified about the idea of there being a video. Eirik told me he is and would always be my brother. That nothing will ever change that.
My cellphone rang. Looking at the screen, it read Noah. I debated not answering, but remembered his face.
"I was one of them," I heard him say through what sounded like tears and distressed breaths.
I knew what he meant, but it still shocked me. "Really?"
"I can't bear it coming out again. I want to die," he said.
"No, you don't. I'm one of them as well. We have each other and need each other. And I love you." Wait, did I just admit I love him?
"He hurt you too?" His voice mellowed out, and he stopped crying.
I shooed Eirik away, and he obeyed. "Yes, long ago. I told my dad back then. He called me a gay slur and broke my nose."
"What?" I could hear the shock in his voice.
"I can't remember exactly when it was. The doctor thinks I have dissociative amnesia. You said you can't handle it coming out again. What do you mean?"
"You can't ever tell anyone this. Not even my dad or Liz. Promise me," he demanded.
"I promise."
He took a deep breath. "I killed my mom. I told her, and she ran out of the house wanting to confront him. But she never made it. She crashed her car. If I never told her, she would still be alive. So I decided never to speak again."
"A drunk driver hit her," I said.
"Yes, but maybe if she wasn't angry or distracted, she could have seen him coming and got out of the way."
"I don't know what to say. I'm so incredibly sorry. But it wasn't your fault. Nor was it your mom's. She loved you."
"She left me here. I know it was an accident, but she's still gone. If she would have only listened to me, she would still be here. Please don't think I'm angry at her. I love and miss her. But things would be different if she would've called the police."
"Well, if my dad would have done his job and protected me, then it never would've happened to you. Maybe it's my fault too, for telling no one else. I hate that I love my dad so much," I said.
"It was you who reported him, right?"
"Yes," I admitted.
He exhaled again, filling the phone with a loud noise. "It's too late to change anything. I have to tell my dad and Liz. Will you come over and help me tell them?"
"I'll ask my mom if I can come over, but I'll always be there for you."
There was a pause from his side for a short time. "Wait, did you say you love me?"
Shit. I hoped he didn't notice that. "Umm... Yes, I did. I always have."
"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked.
"Before I knew you were gay, dad told me you would tie me up and murder me if you knew I was gay. That my friends would do it to protect themselves from people thinking they were gay by association. I'm still ashamed of being gay."
He exhaled loudly into the phone. I had to pull the phone away from my ear. My brain became fuzzy. "God, I hate your father. I'm sorry, but I hope he gets beat up."
"It's ok," I said. It's not.
"And I love you as a friend. You mean a lot to me. You taught me to trust people again. But I don't love you that way."
I thought I should feel hurt, but now I'm free to daydream about Charlie now. "That's ok. When you told me you were gay, I just put all my hopes and dreams into you being my boyfriend. I believed if I had a boyfriend, I could deal with all of my other problems."
"That makes sense, but that's a lot to put on someone," he said.
"I know, I'm sorry."
"There's nothing to be sorry for. When does your mom come home?" He asked.
"Soon, I'll text you when she comes home to let you know," I said.
"Ok, talk to you later."
"Bye." I hung up and waited for mom.
I heard the garage opening, and I ran to meet her at the door. I told her what was going on and asked if I could go over. She agreed but said she will talk to his dad when she comes back to pick me up. Noah agreed, and we were on our way.
Noah told his dad something was wrong with me, so he would agree to me visiting on a weekday. His dad let me in and asked how I was doing. I told him they arrested my dad. I didn't think he knew about that yet.
Noah was in his room and looked scared. We walked to Liz's room and knocked. Noah told her he needed to talk to her and their dad. She rolled her eyes and got up.
"He was here when you came out. Now what is he, your boyfriend?"
"No," he said. I don't know why, but she seemed happy when he said no.
"That's too bad. He's cute with those glasses on," she said, making me blush. "If you don't want him, maybe I'll steal him."
What? I blushed and looked away. She really is cute, but I'm not supposed to like girls. Dad wins if I do.
Once downstairs, Liz spoke first. "Be careful dad, Noah's calling a family meeting again."
"Uh-oh!" their dad exclaimed in mock surprise. "Are you two dating? Do you need condoms?"
"What!" Noah said, sounding shocked. "No, dad, we aren't together."
"Too bad. I would have approved of your choice," he said. I couldn't believe he asked if we want condoms.
"This is serious, dad," Noah said. Liz sat on the couch, but Noah remained standing.
"What's wrong, son?" his dad asked as Noah exhaled deeply and closed his eyes.
He fidgeted around and looked from me to his dad. "A rumor was spreading around today at school. I'm sure Liz heard it."
Liz sat forward on the couch. "The varsity coach?"
Noah shifted on his feet and nodded at her. "The police arrested Coach Francis for hurting some of his players. Supposedly, he even filmed it."
Noah closed his eyes again and kept them closed this time. He breathed deep. "I'm one of them."
His dad stood up and started pacing. Then he lifted Noah into a big hug and tears came down his face. I never thought a tough guy like him would cry. He was a marine. Liz joined them and then they were all crying. I loved how close they were.
"There's more," Noah said.
His dad released him and wiped his eyes. "What?"
Noah looked at me. "I'm the one who reported him," I said.
His dad swept me up and hugged me tightly. It felt terrific being embraced by a father figure. "When did it happen, boys?"
"Right before mom died," Noah said.
"I was younger. I don't remember exactly," I said.
He let us go. "Do your parents know?"
"Yes. I told my mom recently. I told my dad after it happened," I said.
"What! And he didn't stop him?" He asked, outraged.
"When he told his dad, he broke Einar's nose and called him a liar and a gay slur. You know the word, the one I don't like. His dad was beating him all these years for being gay. According to his dad, only a gay person would make up a lie like that." I wasn't upset Noah said it for me. This way, I wasn't dishonoring him.
"Just because a boy's assaulted, it doesn't mean they're gay," his dad said.
"Are you gay?" Liz asked.
I shrugged. "It changes all the time. Well, I'm always attracted to guys, but I also like girls sometimes. I just don't know if I like girls because the beatings are working or if I always liked girls. He started beating me long before I knew what attraction was."
I looked at Liz and her eyes were wide as I spoke, but also filled with sympathy. Please don't think I'm weak. "I remember having a crush on a girl before everything began, but that was an innocent child thing. I'll probably never know who I was meant to be. Or the life I was meant to live."
I hate being so confused. I don't know why I'm being so honest with them. Maybe it's because they feel like family. Or maybe I'm just tired of hiding.
"I feel like there are two sexualities battling inside me. Part of me believes I'm only gay and the other part thinks I'm bi. I dont know what's real. I've never even kissed anyone, so I guess I'll just have to wait to find out."
Noah's dad hugged me again and said he was sorry. I began crying in his arms. It felt amazing. This must be what it feels like to be loved by your father. Why couldn't mine ever love me like this?
"I'm going to call Mr. Clark. Why don't you all go upstairs until Einar's mom comes back," he said.
Noah, Liz, and I obeyed. When we got to Liz's door, she asked if she could borrow me for a second. Noah nodded, and I followed her into her room and she closed the door behind me. She turned back to look me in the eyes.
"Thank you for always being there for Noah. I want to give you something. You said you are confused and you dont know what you like. So, I want to kiss you," she said.
My hands shook from nervousness, but I was also excited. "Ok."
"Are you sure, or are you afraid to say no?" she asked.
I stared into her eyes and refrained from licking my lips. "Yes, I want to kiss you."
She stepped into me as my heart thumped against my chest. Each inch closer, the more details of her face I noticed. Her eyes were like emerald marbles. Another inch closer and I noticed her lips. Mine dried up, making me lick them. Another step and I noticed every detail of her cheeks.
Our lips met, and she tasted of strawberries. I wasn't sure about using my tongue, so I just copied her. She pulled away and smiled at me.
"So, what did you think? Did you like that?" She asked.
"I liked it a lot," I said.
Her eyes flicked down briefly, then back up with a brighter smile on her face. "So, what do you think? Do you like girls?"
I continued standing there, unsure what to do next. "Well, I liked that a lot. And I like you."
"Well, I thought you should feel what it's like to kiss a girl. If you need a reminder, you can always come back," she said.
"Ok," I blushed. She smiled and ushered me out of her room.
I lingered in the hall outside her door. I reached up to my lips and recalled the sensation of kissing her. It ended too quick to notice how amazing it was in every way. It felt like my chest was doing somersaults of happiness.
"What was that all about?" Noah asked, peeking out from his room.
"Oh, um," I stuttered before walking into his room. "Your sister wanted me to see what it was like to kiss a girl."
He smiled. I was glad he wasn't mad. "Did you like it?"
"Very much." I reached up to my lips again in a trance.
"Did you like it enough that you want to be with a girl?" He asked.
I shrugged. "I have nothing to compare it to."
"Would you like to kiss me to find out?" he asked.
"Yes," I blurted.
He leaned over and kissed me. It wasn't like kissing his sister. He didn't linger like she did. It was very brief, and it felt like kissing my brother. How did I go from loving him to thinking of him as my brother on the same day?
"How was that?"
"Um, well, it was nice." I didn't want him to think I didn't like it.
"It needs to be with the right person," he said. "And I can't offer you any more because I'm saving them for someone special."
"Really?" I asked. "Who is he? Have you kissed yet? Why aren't you dating yet? And why didn't you tell me?"
"I think he isn't going out with me because he knows his brother loves me. We have kissed. And I said nothing because I didn't want you to be upset with me, or him."
I thought for a second, "Eirik?"
"Yes."
"Well, don't let me stop you," I said.
He grinned and hugged me. "Really?"
"Yeah. I love you both. You should both be happy," I said.
Noah and I went downstairs, with Liz following behind from her room. Mom and Eirik were there and Noah's dad invited them in. Mom went with their father into the kitchen to talk.
I turned to look at the others. Noah and Eirik were kissing against the door wall.
Liz gave me a sideways glance. "Well, that's a surprise."