A/N: Hello Everyone! it's so good to see you all again and apologies for absence and lack of updates. Things have been sort of hard at the moment which is why I haven't really read or responded to comments on my stories or socials but I am going to try to start doing so again as well as updating a bit more regularly .
Thank you all so much for your continued support and for reaching out and requesting and continuing to read despite lack of updates, it really means the world especially now 💜💜and I am forever grateful 😊
No major warnings for this chapter really it's kind of a much needed transition chapter so I apologize if it's boring but the next one will hopefully be much more interesting.
Please keep requesting and commenting and I promise I will respond to all of them very soon💜💜
OK everyone, let's get into it....
Stephen's POV
"Now, you'll be in the wheelchair for a while; until you get your strength back."
The doctor's voice cut into my thoughts as he and the nurse lowered me into the small black chair making my face flush as the nurse threw a blanket over my lap to hide the gap where the gown opened.
It had been two days since the phone call with Dec and ever since then Simon had visited regularly, his unusually friendly demeanour making me even more anxious.
Simon had never been this nice to me before and now I couldn't tell if it was because he genuinely cared about me or if he was simply doing this out of pity; it was probably the second one.
"Now if you are walking short distances...very short mind you; you can use the walking stick but other than i'm going to have to insist you stay in the chair until your heart is healed and you get your strength back."
I frowned even more, biting my lip to keep back tears as the doctor and nurse stepped away allowing me to raise my eyes for the first time and look at my new predicament.
The chair was shiny cold metal and I shivered a little as I ran my good hand over one of my wheels, sharp tears stinging my eyes and threatening to fall as my injured one remained limp and unresponsive like it belonged to a mannequin and not a human being.
I didn't know why they were so insistent that I get out of bed today and try this chair. The doctor had said something about "going home" but I had simply shook my head.
There was no way they would allow me to go home alone and no one from my immediate family was even in the country right now.
The closest thing I had to family here were Ant and Dec and in the week that I had been in here they had only come to see me once except for that one time that it had been Ant on his own but by now I had almost convinced myself that the whole thing was a dream.
"Mr. Mulhern? Are you alright?"
The nurse spoke and I looked up again, nodding once before tilting my eyes back down towards my lap again.
I didn't have anyone, no family and no friends; I wouldn't be going home today or any other day; I was going to be stuck here in this hospital, in this chair, alone with my thoughts day in and day out.
I should have let the darkness take me when I had the chance, it would have been better than this.
"Stephen?"
The nurse's voice again, softer this time and let my eyes drift up without raising my head as the soul crushing despair weighed me down making me feel tired and exhausted and so so heavy.
"Would you like some time to get used to the chair? Your friend is here again and he's asking to see you; do you want some privacy?"
I sighed heavily as I realised that once again I would have to face Simon and his pity and kindness towards me, I didn't really want to see him again; but it was better than sitting here alone and I shrugged as the nurse nodded both her and the doctor stepping out at the same time someone else stepped in.
I shuffled my blanket nervously doing my best to make sure I was covered which meant I wasn't paying any attention to the door or the person inside the room and I jumped as I felt a hand on my shoulder making the small wrist monitor they had put on my arm let out a shrill beeping noise.
"David! I told you to be careful!"
Simon's voice was unusually sharp and I flinched a little at the tone of it as the hand drew away followed by a quiet "Sorry".
I heard a quiet huff followed by a shuffling of feet and I kept my eyes down as Simon's face appeared in front of me the older man crouching down on the floor to be on the same eye level as me as his hands reached towards mine hesitating for a moment before they wrapped around my fingers holding them gently.
"Hey Stephen, sorry for being a bit late today; how are you feeling?"
How was I feeling?
Awful, worse than when I had cut my arm, worse than when Ant and Dec had been here, worse than I had ever felt in my life.
I almost said all of that out loud but then I reminded myself that Simon didn't really care, he was just trying to be nice; going through the motions and putting on the act until he could dump me off on someone else.
The thought should have made me angry but all I felt was a huge wave of sadness and self loathing, I hadn't realised how truly insignificant of a role I played in everyone's lives until I had ended up here.
I was so pathetic no wonder no one cared enough to visit besides Simon, I would bet he was only here so it would look good for the press; after all it wasn't like anyone really cared.
The silence stretched on getting more and more uncomfortable by the minute and I squirmed in my chair as Simon a let out a sigh standing up and letting go of my hands as he walked across the room and grabbed one of the chairs, the legs scraping across the floor as he dragged it over to sit in front of me.
David moved to do the same and I felt my face heat up again as I realised they were both sitting directly in the perfect position to watch my every move and stare at me; it made me feel even more uncomfortable than before and I started trying to move my injured hand so that I could at least roll myself away from them a bit.
I focused on it as hard as I could, letting the very small shred of strength I had flow into my hand and my heart sank as all I managed to do was make the tip of my first finger twitch. The nurse had said it would take a while for me to regain my strength but that knowledge didn't make me feel the slightest bit better.
"Hey, I didn't know you were able to do that now; why didn't you tell me?"
Simon's voice cut into the room, the tone surprised and upbeat, something that was very out of place considering where we were and how I was feeling.
I knew he was trying to be optimistic and make conversation for some reason I couldn't understand but I just didn't have it in me today, not anymore.
I knew everyone was thinking I was just supposed to bounce back, because that's what I did.
I smiled and laughed, joked and played games, brushed off some of the remarks that came my way and then went home and cried myself to sleep only to wake up and do it all over again.
That's what I had done for years but now, I just couldn't do it and I shrugged once as the heavy exhausted feeling from before washed over me again making me slump in the chair letting my head rock back to stare at the ceiling tiles as Simon sighed before speaking again.
"I know we haven't talked much in the past Stephen, but....I'm here now, if that helps."
Simon's voice sounded sad and a little apologetic yet another emotion I wasn't used to seeing from him. I still didn't have the energy to analyse his motive enough to respond however, so I simply stayed quiet, letting his voice fade into the background as I started counting ceiling tiles.
1....2....3...4...5...
"You know everyone's been asking about you.."
David's voice this time and I raised my eyebrows once in response to the statement, SImon had said that before but I didn't really think it was true, they never cared before; why start now?
6....7....8...9...10....
"The nurse said you can go home today if Alexandra releases you."
I shook my head this time biting my lip as I fought to keep the tears at bay, I had been trying so hard not to think of what was going to happen to me when I was released; some of the care facilities they had shown me pamphlets for looked quite scary, but Simon's words were bringing all those thoughts back.
I didn't want to be trapped somewhere in a little white room where everything was cold and clinical and empty, I wanted to go back to the safety of my house where I could hide in my room and pretend none of this had happened.
The world didn't seem to want me in it, so I was more than content to pretend it didn't exist.
I took a breath as my eyes stung again the sharp smell of disinfectant making me flinch as I went back to counting the tiles doing my best to stop thinking of the cold empty future that was waiting for me.
11.....12....13...14...15....
Silence fell again the uncomfortable atmosphere doing nothing to stop the tears that were pooling just seconds away from falling and I bit down on my lip harder than before tasting blood as I carried on counting.
16....17....18....1–
"Declan asked about you."
I froze my concentration on the ceiling falling away in an instant, the tears and blood from my lip running down my face as I sat up straight looking Simon in the eyes now as I spoke.
"He did?"
Simon grimaced at the sight of the blood nodding once as he stood up and grabbed a tissue offering it to me before he sat down.
I tried to do it myself, I really did but my hand was so clumsy and unresponsive and I felt my face turn bright as David stood up this time taking the tissue from my hand and hesitated for a moment before gently wiping it across my face.
The action was as embarrassing for me as it was unexpected and I let my eyes fall closed, my face heating up even more as David's hand moved from my eyes to my chin wiping away the blood.
I hated being the centre of attention like this unless it was during a performance, during a performance it was bearable but now it was just outright humiliating and I let out a sigh of relief as his hand moved away.
Footsteps crossed the room and then a chair scraped and I opened my eyes hesitantly as David sat down, the red tint continuing to spread as Simon spoke again.
"Yes of course Stephen, he is really concerned about you. He wanted to know how you were doing and what the doctors had said."
I....hadn't been expecting that; I thought he Ant would be too busy to worry about me; after all they wouldn't even visit.
"Oh Stephen, is that really what you think?"
I jumped, my face going even more red than I had thought possible, I didn't realise I had spoken out loud and I dropped my eyes instantly, shrugging my shoulders again as Simon stood up, coming to crouch in front of me again
A pair of hands came out attempting to grasp my own again but I flinched, I didn't really like to be touched; the only exception I had ever made was the boys.
Simon seemed to notice and the hands landed on his own knees instead, the fingers moving to clutch at the fabric of his jeans as he spoke.
"Stephen, that's not what's going on here, Declan wants to visit you and so does....A-Ant..."
Simon's voice skipped on Ant's name and I wondered yet again if perhaps something was wrong with Ant but before I could even ask Simon had continued on.
"They want to Stephen , they care about you so much, you know they sat in the waiting room for hours after you were brought in, we had to practically drag them out of the hospital and even then they wanted to see you the very next morning."
"They d-did?"
The question came out before I could stop myself and I winced at the way my voice sounded, hoarse and much much more desperate and needy sounding than I would have liked.
"Of course they did, they really care about you Stephen we all do."
My eyes burned sharply now and I sniffled once as I spoke again letting the tiniest bit of my longing to see them slip through.
"Then...w-why aren't they here?"
"Oh Stephen..."
David's voice caught my attention this time and I stiffened as a pair of arms wrapped themselves around my shoulders. I didn't like it but I didn't have enough energy to push him off so I simply remained still doing my best to focus on David's voice and not the touch as he carried on.
"They want to be here, they ask about you everyday...it's just things are busy right now for them especially with An–"
"DAVID!"
Simon's voice echoed in the room sharply, making David and I both jump as he shot David a glare, SImon was mad at him for some reason but at the moment I didn't care.
David had mentioned Ant, was something wrong with Ant?
Was there actually something to that fuzzy memory of his apologising to me?
I went to ask only to be cut off as the door opened and Alexandra walked in clipboard in hand and glasses resting on her nose.
"Alright Stephen I'm here to go over some things with you, nothing serious just some precautions...Oh!"
All three of us looked at her as she cut off, making her laugh softly as she came closer.
"Sorry I didn't realise you had visitors, I would offer to come back later but I really do need to go over some stuff with you...both of you."
I froze, "both of you"?
What did she mean both the only one she needed to go over things with was me right?
My confusion must have been written on my face because Alexandra smiled softly at me before flipping through the pages on her clipboard nodding as she read one of the pages before turning back to me.
"Mr. Cowell here has applied to take you home when you're released, didn't he tell you?"
I shook my head, my eyes widening as I looked over at Simon, why would he do that?
Why would he want to take me home with him?
Simon didn't even like me at all, at least the boys tolerated me but Simon had always seemed like I was a pest at best and a downright burden at worst.
I was more confused than ever now, especially when Simon's face turned red and he stood up off the floor, his eyes looking anywhere but at the three of us as he spoke.
"Well we....we hadn't gotten around to it yet...but...I...I was going to explain it to him...b-before you came."
"Oh I see well I can give you both a few minutes to discuss it together if you like? But then I really need to go over some of these precautions as well as asking Stephen a few more questions before we release him."
I was still too stunned to talk so Simon nodded and answered for all of us as Alexandra smiled, "very well i can give you five minutes I need to take a phone call anyway, so I'll be right outside."
We all nodded now and she turned and walked out the door letting it close behind her as David cleared his throat he and Simon exchanging a look over my head as he spoke, "I'm going to call and check on...something too."
I knew he was just trying to give Simon and I some privacy but I really didn't want to be left alone with the older man, he was nice enough lately and for me that was beyond unsettling; mean i could deal with but nice?
The door closed again and I shook myself as Simon sat back down twisting his hands together as he thought for a moment a small awkward silence falling over both of us before he finally managed to get his thoughts in order.
"Look Stephen, I know you and I haven't exactly always been close; most of that is my fault and I apologise."
My mouth dropped, apologise?
Simon had really apologised?
I was half tempted to pinch myself to make sure I wasn't still asleep but that would have required energy I didn't quite have yet so I stayed quiet doing my best to figure out how to close my mouth and calm my expression as he carried on.
"I know you don't really consider us as your friends and I don't blame you but we really do care about you and seeing you this way hurts. I really wish you had said something to us before things got this bad but I understand why you didn't or maybe you did and we were just too busy to listen or to see."
"Either way I just...well...we all want you to get better again and the doctor says the best shot at that happening is if you come home with us. He says you can get better in a treatment centre but that a lot of patients in your position heal faster when they are around friends or family. "
Friends and family? My stomach twisted uncomfortably a few tears running down my face and I hurried to brush them off by leaning my head to the side and wiping my face across my shoulder ignoring the pain that shot through my chest.
I didn't have any friends or family and try as he might, nothing Simon was going to say would ever make me believe that he and David or any of the others were anything close to that.
"I know you don't consider us your friends Stephen and that's our fault as well but we really would like a chance to make it up to you to help you out and show you that despite what we made you feel or what you think you do have people who care."
People who care? They never cared before; they didn't care when I would go back to my dressing room just to avoid a conversation.
They didn't care when I would come into work late, letting the makeup artist put on loads of foundation to cover the dark circles under my eyes.
They didn't care when I hadn't shown up for work that day.
But now supposedly they cared.
I shook my head once feeling a bit guilty as I watched Simon's face drop. I knew he was doing his best to make up for some things but I didn't know why he was doing it and at the moment I didn't care.
He had been given more than enough time over the last years to show he cared, they all had; the only reason they were doing it now was because they felt sorry for me.
I didn't need or want their pity, I already knew how everyone truly felt; all I wanted now was to be left alone.
"I can't blame you for not believing me Stephen, you have every right but I do hope that you will give us all a chance to fix things. You do have friends who care, we are just really bad at showing it."
"That's why I thought maybe you could come home with us, you can't stay on your own yet but we wouldn't mind helping you out and stuff and Dec has offered to let you stay at his house."
I looked up at the last statement, Dec was going to let me stay with him?
Why would he do that? And what about Ant would he be there too?
I hated the idea of anyone looking after me or fussing over me, it was beyond humiliating especially if it was Simon and David; but I really didn't want to go to one of those facilities so maybe if it was the boys, it would be a bit more tolerable.
"Declan will be there?"
Simon nodded, "we figured you might be more inclined to agree if he offered instead of us, you two seem to get on really well and I do think you consider him as a friend Stephen."
I swallowed hard, of course I considered him a friend; both he and Ant were the closest things I had to friends and I knew I had put them through a hell of a lot that day.
I really wanted to see if they were ok and apologise, especially when it came to Ant; I didn't have a whole lot of memories of that day but one thing I could remember was the way he held me and begged me to stay.
I knew how he was, he pretended to be all tough but underneath it he was probably the softest one out of the pair of them and I knew seeing that would have been hard for him; the least I could do was apologise for putting him through that.
Simon hadn't said anything about Ant being there too though, in fact out of all the times anyone had come to visit; no one had really mentioned Ant except for saying he was "busy". Simon had even yelled at David just for saying his name, was there some reason they didn't want to mention him?
I had to find out what was going on, I had seen first hand how Dec was when Ant had been away; cold and sad and lost, I couldn't bear to see him that way again.
"Will Ant be there too?"
I asked the question as quickly as I could, feeling even more confused as I saw the mix of emotions running across Simon's face.
Shock, fear, pain, guilt, sadness; all of these ran across his features in the few minutes it took him to get his facial expression under control and when he did he shifted uncomfortably in the chair, eyes dropping down to the floor as he nodded.
"Yes A-Ant will be there, but you most likely won't see him for a while."
I stiffened, why wouldn't I see Ant?
Was he mad at me?
Was he ok?
Has something happened to him?
The monitor on my arm started to flash red beeping a few times as Simon hurried to carry on.
"Easy Stephen don't worry, Ant's f-fine he's just been a little....sick...that's all; the doctors said he needs to rest."
Sick?
Ant was sick?
Simon made it sound like he was just down with the flu or something but if that was true then why did everyone look so sad? Why wouldn't anyone even mention his name?
I may have been weak mentally and physically but I wasn't dumb; something else was going on here.
I didn't know what it was and no one seemed to be willing to tell me which only served to make me feel worse than before.
Was I really so weak in their eyes that they thought I couldn't handle being told the truth?
Was this what it would be like when I went home with them?
Being treated like a child who needed to be kept in the dark about things?
That wasn't what I wanted and I went to demand that Simon tell me the truth only to be cut off as the door opened back up and Alexandra walked in followed by David whose face looked like he had just seen a ghost as he clutched his phone in his hand.
"Sorry for interrupting you but I really need to ask these questions if Stephen is feeling up to it. I already went over the things I needed to discuss with David. He can fill you in but I'm afraid I need to go and look in on other patients."
Simon nodded once before turning to me, "we can talk more in a bit Stephen don't worry about anything just try and answer as best you can."
I swallowed hard and uncomfortable at the idea of being questioned by Alexandra right now but I knew I didn't have a choice so I simply nodded making Simon smile as he stood up off the chair offering it to Alexandra instead as David cleared his throat drawing Simon's attention.
"Simon, I really need to speak with you outside; now."
His voice sounded tense and anxious and I swore I saw him mouth the word, "Dec" in response to Simon's raised eyebrows.
I wanted to ask what was going on but before I could react both of them had stepped outside again leaving me alone with Alexandra.
I sighed, hopefully this wouldn't take long; Alexandra was nice enough and I really liked her but I hated the way she was able to drag my innermost thoughts out of me sometimes.
Simon's POV
I sighed softly as I shut the door to Stephen's room behind us, it had already been a long day and it was nowhere near over yet.
As soon as Alexandra was done, Stephen was coming home with us and I knew without a doubt that it was going to be an exhausting and emotional experience for everyone involved, especially him.
I wasn't sure I had the strength but I had to do this, I owed it to him after all the harm I had caused more than that; I owed it to Dec.
I had already pushed Ant to the point he was about to....I couldn't even think the word....no way could I let that happen to Stephen as well.
I had to do this, I had to be strong for all three of them.
Speaking of Dec David had mouthed his name at me in Stephen's room and I raised my eyebrows at him as gestured at his phone still clutched inside of his hand.
"What's wrong David?"
He shook his head pointing to Stephen's door, "Not here Simon, come on let's go to the waiting room."
My heart sank as I nodded following along after him, whatever it must have been truly horrible if he didn't want to even take the chance Stephen would hear us and I mentally prepared myself for the worst as we walked into the room.
******
"He what?!"
I half shouted the words forcing David to shush me as one of the nurses walking by shot a look in our direction.
"Keep your voice down, we don't need anything else ending up in the papers."
I pinched the bridge of my nose hard, David was right of course but I couldn't help feeling a little bit like shouting; everytime it felt like we had things under control something went wrong again and by now I wasn't sure just exactly how much more my brain let alone my heart could take.
"I'm calm I promise I just, what the hell is going on David? I thought Dec said he was doing better?"
"That's what he said and that's what we thought, he must have lied to us Simon and we probably still wouldn't know if Amanda hadn't walked in on them."
I bit my lip hard, of course we wouldn't know; we had lost any right for Dec to include us when it came to Ant, especially me but that still didn't make me feel any less upset.
Things were getting worse and worse there and now I was supposed to bring Stephen into all of this?
What if he got worse too?
He was already so curious about Ant, what if when David and I weren't being careful he heard something or worse snuck off to find him?
The thought of Stephen walking in to see what Amanda had seen today made me feel sick and I bit down hard on my lip as I looked back up at David.
"We keep Stephen away from him David, he needs to stay away for his own good, no matter what."
A/N: Well everyone that's it for now but like i said this was really just a transition chapter and the next one will hopefully be more interesting 🙈Thank you all so much once again for all of the continued support over the last few years; you are all so so so amazing and I'm looking forward to being more active again😊
I will be going through some of the comments and requests I've gotten both on here and social media as well and as always if you have a request or just anything you want to ask or say please feel free to leave a comment or reach out to me through any of my socials or even the email listed in my Bio.
I always love to hear from you all💜💜
Well everyone that's it for now so as always until next time,
Stay Safe💜💜💜