I didn't know when exactly I sat down on the hospital hallway floor. With my knees scrunched up to my chest and my arms wrapped around them. And my back against the wall. I didn't even know I was praying until I realized I had been bowing my head.
I did in fact manage to notice every single sound around me. Every beep of a monitor. Every ring of a phone. I managed to know that the hallway I sat in was empty. Except for every now and then when a person would walk by. Acting as if they didn't see me. Going about their business.
I kept on forgetting to breath. My whole world felt frozen. Waiting for some kind of news about Lilly.
I sat there going over every possible outcome in my head. And every time I could even try to assure myself that maybe she is still alive, my brain would remind me of how she felt. When I ran her down the stairs and to my car earlier. Lifeless. Still. Nothing.
She may be gone.
As I sit in that empty hallway. Lilly could already be gone. Off of this earth. Somewhere I knew I couldn't go to get her.
Everything including the air I breath, everything was at a complete stop. But the baffling thing that struck me as I listened to my surroundings, was that everyone else's world continued on like usual. And I couldn't help but think of how many people right now, were dying in this hospital, and how many other's world's are frozen like mine. And most of all, I couldn't help but fear that Lilly was one of those people. That I was losing her. Or worse, that she was already gone.
I alternated between prayers, picturing Lilly's smile, and focusing on noises.
I hugged my knees tighter. "Lilly. Please, stay." I whispered ever so quietly. Wishing so much that I could hold her like I am, myself.
I heard another set of footsteps walk by as I continued to pray.I followed the sound of the shoes stick to the floor. It was a nurse. The squeak their shoes made was very easy to spot. I kept my head down and my eyes closed tight. Seeing Lilly deep inside of my mind.
The squeak of the shoes stopped, catching my attention. I opened my eyes but kept my head down, listening intently. Hoping maybe it was Lilly's doctor.
"Waiting for someone?" The nurse with the squeaky shoes asked. I lifted my head. Adjusting my eyes to the fluorescent hospital light again. The nurse stared down at me. She looked to be in her fifties, maybe sixties. With short grey hair and purple scrubs.
I swallowed hard, not sure if I could speak. So I nodded instead.
She sighed. "Scary. Isn't it?"
This time I forced out a word. "Terrifying." I said weakly. With dry tears against my face. I was confused as to why she was talking to me. I wanted to be mad. A part of me wanted to ask her to leave me alone. But I didn't. I felt too bad already. And to be honest, it felt good for another person to notice me. And my frozen world. Someone who probably had her own problems. I mean, she was a nurse.
Without question, she sat next to me against the wall of the hallway. Her knees bent to her chest, matching my pose. "So. Who is she?"
I looked at her. "How did you know it was a girl?"
She grinned. "I have two sons about your age. Trust me, I know the face you boys make when your number one trouble has a girl written all over it. So... Who is she?"
I loosened grip of my knees. Relaxing my shoulders against the wall. The distant beeping of the monitors mirrored the beats of my heart. "She's my girlfriend. Her name is Lilly." I felt my eyes get heavy. So I closed them tight and blinked the tears away. The nurse listened intently. Waiting for me to say more.
"She has cancer, and she turned down treatment. Now she is dying. I found her on my living room floor." I recalled the way Lilly looked on the ground of my apartment. At this point, I didn't care who I was talking to. As I explained Lilly's story, I wasn't sure if I was informing the nurse, or just reminding myself.
Tears in my eyes began to form again and I just let them fall. "We were fighting. She kept on saying she was okay. And I knew she was lying. And I yelled at her. And then she was all confused and her head had been hurting. I went to get her water. And then, I found her."
As I recalled that moment. I came to the realization that the last thing Lilly and I managed to do, was fight. I yelled at her. For all I know, that was the last thing she could have heard out of my mouth. As I thought of that fact, my heart sank in my chest.
"Damn it Lilly just tell me!"
Those were my last words to the woman I love? The last words she could have possibly heard me say. Not 'I love you'. Not 'Lilly please stay'. She was unconscious by the time I said those phrases.
I stared at the floor in my realization that I made the biggest mistake in my life. I didn't say 'I love you' last. I didn't keep a promise.
My voice shook, but I kept it as steady as possible. Dismissing the horrible thought to the best of my abilities. Which in turn, was actually impossible.
I went back to the story.
"She was... her body was shaking so much. And her eyes. Her eyes were..." I stopped myself from talking about the way her eyes rolled behind her head. "And then, she just stopped. Her body just stopped. And now..."
I grasped my knees with anger. I was so angry. Angry at myself. "Now. She's somewhere in this hospital. And I don't know if she took her last breath. I don't know if she knows that I love her more than I could possibly love any other person. I don't know if I will ever get another chance to do everything I wanted to do. I'm not ready for her to go. She can't go now. She is supposed to have more time. We are supposed to have mor-"
My voice began to raise along with my blood pressure. I stopped when I heard "Shh" come from the nurse's mouth. That's when I realized that I had been rambling on. And my tears were flowing harder than ever. The way she shushed me was a way to get me to calm down. I glanced over to her, honestly forgetting she was there the whole time I spoke. But she listened the whole time.
"I'm sorry." I whispered. The volume in my voice changed drastically.
"It's okay. You have every right to shout and worry like this." She said calmly.
I nodded, relieved that she understood. Even if deep down, she had no idea what I felt.
"Can I tell you something?" The nurse questioned.
I stared at her. Then back to the floor. Allowing her to speak.
She smiled microscopically. "Lilly is alive. She's going to pull through." She stated bluntly.
My eyes darted back to the nurse's face. My glossy eyes fell dead, on her. "What? What- how would you know?" The words came out of my mouth a mile a minute.
She raised her chin. "From what you just told me, it sounds like Lilly's cancer is spreading. In this case. It most likely has found it's way to her brain. Cancer in the brain causes headaches, dizziness, confusion, and in the worst cases, seizures." She continued as I listened to every word. Trying to follow along. "You said Lilly's body was shaking. That was her having a seizure. And her body shut down to stop the tremors. Believe it or not, that is a good thing. It bought you time. Time to get her to the hospital. Time go run her here yourself. Rather than wait for an ambulance that you knew would take too long."
She grinned. "That's right. I saw you run her in here. I was in the ER, I saw the whole thing. Everyone was talking about it."
I didn't care who saw me. Or what they thought of me. Everything I did, was for Lilly. Not for attention. But I ignored that part anyways and leaned forward.
"So how do you know she's alive right now?" I asked. In my mind, praying this nurse was right. The hope I had lost slowly began making it's way back to me. But I was still fearful. And skeptical.
"Two reasons." She stated. "One, because the life preserved, when her body shut down, was more than enough to keep her alive, in my opinion. And two. Because you have been waiting out here for about an hour. If she was dead, they would've informed you a while ago." She glanced down the empty hall. Not a soul in sight. "My guess. Is that they are setting her up in a nice room. And that any second, a doctor is going to come down that hallway and tell you that she is stable."
I looked down the hallway. Then back to the nurse. My mouth not able to close as I thought of what to say. "You're sure?"
"Positive." She answered confidently. "You have more time."
A huge breath of air comes out. As if I was holding it for ten years. "She's alive." I say aloud. Hearing it makes it more believable. Because at that point, I couldn't get the idea through my mind. She is alive. Those words will not be the last I say. Her smile will not just be a memory.
"But..." The nurse threw me out of my thoughts once again. "You know it won't be like that forever. There will be a time when it really is the last time. So take advantage of every single second. Don't waste them on silly fights. Or regretted words. Cherish them with memories. You have a second chance to do all the things you didn't do. Things you probably planned to do all along. So don't waste them on maybe. Shoot for definitely."
I took in all her words. I knew them all before. And I still managed to do the wrong things. "I will. This time will be different." I assured her and myself.
"Good. Then just think of this, as a lesson learned." Her smile turned serious and she shifted position. "When the doctors come out. And they tell you that she is okay. And that you can go see her. I want you to run to her. Hug her. Kiss her. Embrace her. Don't waste a single second. Do everything you think you would do if it was the last time you were seeing her. Because that's how every moment should feel. Like the last moment." Her eyes narrowed. "Can you do that for me? Or better yet. Can you do that for her?"
I nodded. My eyes watering at her words. Because she was right. "Yes. I can. I will."
She grinned. Then got up off the ground. "Well, then this is where I leave you." And she started down the hall.
"Wait!" I said. I got up and walked towards her. "Who are you?"
She smiled. "I'm Susan."
"You're a nurse?" I asked.
She shrugged. "Something like that." She answered. Her response confused me. Was she a nurse or not? I ignored the answer and gave a smile.
"Thank you, Susan."
She nodded. "Any time..." "Tom." I finished her sentence.
"Tom." She repeated. Then raised a finger. "One more thing."
"Yeah?" I said.
"What you did. Running her here. Not waiting for responders. You took matters into your own hands." She smiled. "You took a risk. And you saved her. Don't forget that."
I glanced down to the ground and smiled at the thought of Lilly. Then shook my head. "No. She's my angel. She saves me every day."
Susan chuckled quietly. "Well I guess you're living proof."
"Proof of what?" I asked curiously.
"That angels can have their own saviors." She answered.
Could they? Could I be Lilly's savior? That's what I wanted. To save her as much as she does, me. Does Lilly think of me this way?
I smiled. And before I could say a word, Susan looked past me to the hallway behind me. "Here they come."
I turned around to see a doctor coming around the corner. He had a patient's charts in his hands and he was studying them carefully as he made his way towards my direction. I turned back around and Susan was gone.
"Reynolds." The doctor said. Looking around then, just at me.
For a second, I wondered where Susan went and if I will ever see her again. But I forgot about that when I heard the doctor say Lilly's last name.
"Yeah. I'm with her." I responded, a bit delayed. My heart began pounding as he made his way to me, holding her charts. Just, not as much as it would have if Susan didn't already assure me. "Is she okay?"
The doctor finally made eye contact. "Ms. Reynolds had a seizure." I mentally shook my head at the fact that Susan only had to hear a story, to be completely accurate.
The doctor continued. "But we were in fact able to revive her. She is stable..."
I nodded. Tears of joy from the certainty that she was alive, made their way down my face once again. I interrupted him. "Can I see her? Where is she?"
The doctor nodded professionally. "Yes sir, of course. She's resting in room 126. Just down the hall. But can I just inform you abo- Sir!"
I heard him call me but I was already too far away. I dashed down the hall and around the corner. My world, along with my body, very much NOT frozen anymore.
I ran until I reached room 126. And I threw the door open. Catching my breath when I saw Lilly look over to me from the window.
She looked flawless.
No tremors. Her eyes were okay and glowing a sapphire blue. And her smile was visible.
Best of all. She was looking at me. She was there. Her smile was for me.
The tears I thought I had lost, formed in my eyes again. But I didn't say a word. Because like Susan said. Time was still ticking. And I couldn't waste a single second.
I asked myself what I would do if it was the last time.
Then without question. I walked up to her bedside. Grabbed the side of her face, ever so gently.
And I kissed her like time was up.
A/N : (a big one) First off. This chapter is dedicated to my Mom. Thank you for being my number one fan. And Happy late mothers day. Secondly. To my readers, sorry this took so long to update. I had prom so I had a busy weekend. (my profile picture is me in my dress! lol i'll probably change it soon though) Anyways, please forgive me. AND LASTLY: you have now met Susan! You'll love her. (if you don't already) She is very important. Remember all of her words. I can't stress that enough. What do you think of her? Tell me!!! Comment and vote please!. Love you x.Ashley