Things had been hard, like really hard.
Flashback:
"Nah, sure that wouldn't be important to you. Would it? You wouldn't care." Leah hissed.
"I wouldn't care? All you care about is the other people. The ones on the outside of this. You overlook the fact that we are struggling. You just bury your head in the sand about our problems, but you're dedicated to helping every other fucking person."
"Bloody hell, Alex. Fucking hell."
"I don't want to keep arguing with you, Leah, but I'm getting so sick of this. You can't keep trying to solve all of the worlds problems. We are two people, sometimes we have to accept that we can't do it."
"So we just give up? Give up because we can afford to pay for Theo to go to private things? Give up on the families that can't?"
"That's not what I'm saying, I'm just saying -"
"That is what you're saying. Just go, Alex. I can't even look at you."
I looked at her for a few seconds before thumping towards the door and slamming it behind me. As I reached the middle of the stairs, I heard Leah thumping across the floor behind me, she pulled the door open and shouted through a whisper up at me.
"You'll wake the kids if you don't quit it with the slamming and thundering about. What is actually wrong with you?"
"You. Leah. You are what is wrong with me." I grunted, not even turning my eyes to look at her.
After an hour, I felt Leah getting into bed, keeping my back to her. She lay silently for a few seconds before beginning to make her way towards me, obviously thinking I was sleeping.
"Don't come near me, I mean it. Do not think you can make this okay with a cuddle." I whispered.
"Please, Al? We never end the day without a cuddle." She said softly.
"We never end the day with you calling me selfish, or telling me you can't look at me, but apparently we do today. Now leave me alone."
She didn't speak, just rolled onto her back and lay silently for a few minutes before sitting up and getting out of bed. As she made her way towards the door, I realised that she was probably planning to sleep on the sofa.
"I didn't mean actually leave me alone." I piped up.
"I don't want to bother you." She continued to open the door.
"I thought you said we never ended the day without a cuddle?"
"I thought you said you didn't want one?" Her voice quivered.
"You didn't try hard enough, now come back to bed. It's freezing downstairs."
— — — —
Leah and I had spent the last two months arguing before our final argument erupted. Between the pressures of the spotlight, my reps telling me that I'd been asked to do another album, Leah being asked to go to the World Cup to present, Aoife's hormones starting to show, Amanda having to go on bed rest for a minor illness for a few weeks, and to top it off, we had received word that our planned campaign for better equipped schools had been rejected during government debates. Leah and I had no time to ourselves, running on empty and living like passing ships. The conversations we did have were tense, often turning into arguments over the slightest things. That day was no different, until it became different.
"Why are you still here?" Leah asked, eyes wide.
"What? Why wouldn't I be? I have that meeting with Gavin in fifteen minutes."
"Alex, the fucking kids?!"
"It's Wednesday, Leah. You've always collected them on Wednesdays?"
"No. I told you last week that I needed this from you today. Fuck sake. Sure I'll just get them." She hissed.
"No, I'm going. It's fine."
"I'll go." She protested.
"I've said I'm going, Leah. This is you all over - give off that I forget something you apparently told me and then refuse to let me fix it. Any excuse - literally any excuse - to argue with me." I ranted as I headed for the door.
"Why're you here then? Why are you still here? If you're so unhappy with me, why haven't you left?" She shouted after me.
"Honestly, Leah - I really don't know anymore."
It was true, right now I wasn't really sure why Leah and I were even trying. It was obvious that neither of us were happy, our marriage wasn't working, and we hadn't had so much as a cuddle in months. Everyone said it wouldn't last forever, maybe they were right. I picked the kids up, not bothering to go home between each pick up time, instead Finn, Theo and I went to the park. Watching the two play without a care in the world, with no idea that Leah and I were in such a bad place, was difficult. I knew that Leah wouldn't be there when we got home, I knew that she would come home later and spend time with the children before she took herself to bed, or stayed up late enough for me to already be asleep when she got to bed. Once Aoife was out of school, we called into the shop before making our way home, a text from Leah coming through just before I drove off.
Leah
Leave the kids to my Mum's please. She's going to take them tonight.
I knew in that moment what was going on, and the fact that Leah had told her Mum that we needed to have this talk cemented that maybe it was over after all. I didn't text her back, just continued to drive towards her Mum's house, letting the kids know that they were having a sleepover. The innocence of children to be excited about the idea, without knowing what would be happening in their home tonight brought a tear to my eye. Amanda opened the door as I pulled up, I wasn't sure I could face her so I simply watched as the children ran from the car to the door, running straight into the arms of their uncle Jacob. Amanda is walking towards me, here we go. She opened the door of the car, getting into the passenger seat and placing her hand on top of mine on the steering wheel.
"Are you okay, Alex?" She asked softly.
"Yeah."
"You can talk to me, you know that don't you? I'm here for you just as much as I am for Leah."
"I know, thank you." I choked back my tears.
"Has something happened? Is there someone else?"
"No, of course not. Well, not on my part anyway. We just aren't getting along, we fight every day over absolutely nothing, we blame each other for anything that goes wrong. We aren't a team anymore. I don't know when things got this way, I didn't even notice it happening - like how do you not notice something like that?"
"We aren't designed to have perfect marriages, Alex. That's something you and Leah haven't really had to deal with. You have both had big moments, like after Aoife was born - but it's harder when there's no reason for it. Don't give up on Leah, because I know she won't ever give up on you."
"I think she already has, Amanda." I let a tear fall.
"Just go home, and talk. Don't get yourself in a whole state before you get home. You never know what might happen." She smiled.
I was grateful for Amanda, I knew she was thinking that I didn't have a Mum to talk me through any of this. I did wonder how Leah felt about it though, it must be difficult to know that your Mum felt she couldn't take sides in an argument because she didn't want your wife to feel alone, I'm not sure I would've been as okay with it as Leah seemed to be.
I drove home slowly, dreading what was to come. Stopping outside the house and waiting in the car to gather myself, the last thing I wanted to do was walk in crying and start the conversation off on a negative. By the time I got inside, the smell of food filled the house, music coming from the kitchen as I made my way towards it. Before I reached the door of the kitchen, Leah appeared in the doorway, a small smile imprinted on her face.
"I've ran you a bath, Al. Food will be ready for you getting out." She said softly.
"Okay, thanks." I wasn't really sure what this was.
I made my way upstairs, finding a bath filled with bubbles and candles placed around the bathroom. I chuckled as I looked at the steam filled mirror that Leah had written I miss you in with her finger, my heart warming as I realised that this was clearly her attempt at making this better; Amanda telling me to settle myself and go home earlier that day making sense. I found myself able to relax in the bath for the first time in months, not feeling as tense as I had before. After my bath, I made my way back downstairs, making my way into the kitchen to see Leah who was still stressfully cooking and trying her best to make sure everything was perfect. I sat at the island before speaking, Leah intently watching for any sign of what was going on in my head.
"Need any help, Le?"
Her face lit up at the sound of Le.
"No thank you, I've got this. I think." She chuckled awkwardly.
"Do you have time for a hug?"
"I always have time for that."
She practically ran to me, pulling me into her arms and letting out a sigh of relief.
"Go through, I'll bring it in. Dining room or living room?"
"Living room is fine." I shrugged, placing a kiss on her cheek before heading through.
I still wasn't sure if this was an attempt at making up, or a last supper before our divorce.
Leah brought our food through, chuckling as she set the plate down in front of me and it became obvious that she'd tried to make my favourite meal; she hadn't done too bad for her first time, especially with the pressure of this being a meal that I had constantly spoken of my Dad making to perfection. She sat beside me, close enough for our legs to touch but far enough apart for us to have space to eat our food.
"I'm sorry about your meeting." She said after another session of eating in silence had passed.
"It's fine. I'm sorry I forgot about the change of plan."
"It's okay. I should've reminded you."
"Don't do that, Leah." I snapped.
"Do what? I'm trying to apologise."
"No. You're apologising as if I'm blaming you for my forgetfulness. You're making out like you have to apologise for me making mistakes. You do it all the time." My voice became irate.
"Why can't we stop this? Why can't we just be how we used to be? Why don't we love each other anymore?" Leah's voice broke.
What? She doesn't love me?
"I think you just answered your own question." I whispered, choking on my own tears.
"How?"
"Why don't we love each other anymore. Presumptuous of you to think that just because you've fallen out of love with me that I have too. You know I thought maybe just maybe this was your attempt at fixing us? Really it was just your way of telling me that you don't want me anymore."
"Alex you've taken that all -"
"Don't. Don't bother. How do you wanna do this?" I said coldly.
"Do what?"
"Well who moves out? Who gets the kids when? Who gets what?"
"Alex - what - are - you're leaving me?"
"I don't have it in me to make you fall in love with me again, Leah. I just don't have it in me. It will kill me."
"So you're giving up on us?"
"You gave up on us the second you allowed yourself to not love me anymore and didn't think to tell me." I ranted.
"Alex - you - why are you - stop! Please just stop and listen to me." She pulled at my hand to stop me from leaving.
"You've got two minutes."
"I didn't mean I don't love you. I thought you didn't love me. I meant why don't we love each other as in why don't we treat each other the way we used to anymore. I could never not love you, my Alex. I could never, ever, stop loving you. Not even for a single second."
"Why didn't you say that?"
"I just did."
"No. Before. Why didn't you say this yesterday, or the day before, or last week, all those times we've argued. All I wanted was an I love you."
"That's all I wanted too, Alex. That's what tonight was supposed to be about but we just fought - as always. I don't know when we lost it. I don't know when we lost our way."
"Okay." I sighed.
"Okay what?" Leah's eyes glazed over again.
I placed my hand on her cheek, wiping the tear that fell with my thumb before placing the most tender kiss that I could on her lips.
"I love you." I said with my eyes locked on hers.
"I love you." Leah smiled, lips still quivering.
"It's been too long since we kissed each other without it being a quick kiss on the cheek to keep the kids happy. I've missed it."
"It's been too long since everything, Al. Too long since we went on a date night, too long since we sat down and ate dinner together, too long since we held each others hand rather than sat on our phones, too long since we talked like really talked, too long since we said I love you, too long since we held each other, too long since I've felt your body on mine, too long since we did anything in bed for that matter." Leah sighed.
"This is date night." I smiled.
Her smile grew.
"We sat down and ate dinner tonight, didn't we?"
She nodded.
"Take my hand."
I held my hand out for hers to slip into.
"We just talked, right?"
She nodded, her smile growing.
"I love you."
Her smile grew more at my words, realising what I was doing her eyes became happy.
"Come here."
I pulled her into me, holding her for a moment.
"Follow me." I whispered.
— — — —
"Anything else it's been too long since?" I chuckled breathlessly.
"Did I say since you felt my body on you?"
"No - I mean - yes - yes you did." I smirked.
She climbed on top of me, looking down into my eyes as she slid her hand across my body.
"I love you, Al. More than I did yesterday."
"And less than you will tomorrow. Me too, Le." I smiled.
I guess it was forever.