i went out of the studio with James and we went to the music room in silence. but after 10 minutes of going through my solo in my head, i just stopped and looked at him.
"i can't do this." i told him and he turned to face me.
i don't think any amount of rehearsal time will make me feel prepared at all for this. my heart just not in it and it will never be.
"maybe we should just bow out." i told him. "i'd rather not go to Internationals than compete against you."
"bow out? Izzy, you can't bow out." he said to me.
i want to go to Internationals just as much as anyone else. but i can't do it. i can't compete against my boyfriend. against my best friend.
"we're dancing for The Next Step. for the team. the team you're the dance captain of." he said to me.
"James i can't." i cried. "i don't want to do this. it's so unfair." my voice cracked. "the dream was going with you. i don't want to do this. not after this last month." he grabbed my body and pulled me close to his chest.
"you have to, Iz. think about the team. imagine i'm out there next to Eldon and Riley cheering you on like normal. imagine you're competing against anyone else. Izzy, promise me that you will dance as hard as you can, no matter what."
"and what about you?" i asked quickly and he looked at me.
"of course. of course i'll do the same. it's for the team. promise me. Iz, promise me."
"okay." i said wiping away my tears and hugged him back.
James is right. this is for The Next Step. we can't let the team down.
we went back to the studio. "okay, Izzy. you're up first." i hugged James quickly. "good luck." i looked at him. "say it."
"don't need it." i smiled heartbroken and went on.
James had convinced me to dance my hardest. and that's what i'm going to do.
as i started dancing, and i hate to say it, but this is my best performance yet. i've pulled all my best tricks, and i've danced like i wanted this. and i do want this. just not with these circumstances. throughout the dance i couldn't bring myself to look at anyone around me. but then, while i'm doing pirouettes i glance over at James.
i see how much this is torturing him. but we made a promise to each other. so i keep dancing. it's very bittersweet because i know that it's against the person i love. the person who's been here through everything.
i finished my dance and when i go next to the rest of the team, James don't even look at me as he goes in front of everyone.
his song started but he is not moving. he's jumpy. he's shaky. and he looks at me and i nod at him to keep dancing. but he looks around and then just walk away and leave.
i don't know what to feel right now. i'm in complete shock. we made a deal that we were both going to go full out. and then he just walks out.
i ran out after him and he was standing in the hallway. "what are you doing?" i asked him.
"is it not clear?" he asked sharply.
"you have to compete. it's not like you to just give up!" i said, fighting my tears again.
"you think that's what i'm doing? giving up?"
James: if i would've told her that i'm not going to dance she wouldn't either. and then none of us were going. but she deserves to go.
"i held my part of the deal. now it's your turn. you still have time the music's still on." i told him.
Kate walked out to the hallway. "what is going on?" she asks us.
i looked at James begging him to dance. "i forfeit." he said and walked away.
"James." i called him. "James!" i said with a voice crack.
"congratulations, Izzy, on your spot on the Internationals team." as Kate saying these words to me i just break down crying.
i'm not even excited about it. we made a promise and he didn't live up to it. i'm so disappointed.
we wrapped up for today so i just went to Kate's office and sat down there, crying, avoiding everyone.
when everyone left i walked out to the studio and put on a song and started dancing to it.
the song 'we go' has kinda been mine and James's song for the past few years, and it made sense to dance to it.
i just couldn't get my head around on how he didn't keep his promise. and how he's not on A troupe anymore. eight months ago when we auditioned for A troupe together, i remember feeling so nervous about him not making the team with me. and now that he's actually not with me on the team, not gonna go to Internationals with me, i'm heartbroken. and disappointed.
i see James walk in but i just keep dancing. i can't stop. it's my way of letting it all out. i don't know how to feel. i don't want to lose him.
i stop dancing and i'm on the floor, catching my breath and he starts clapping for me. "that was amazing." he says and i stand up to look at him.
"why are you here?" i asked him.
"i want to talk about this."
i sighed. "i just don't understand why you did what you did. don't you want yo go to Internationals?"
"you have no idea how badly i want to go to Internationals." he said, taking a step closer to me.
"then why did you do it?" he scoffed, turning around angry and then looked at me again.
"i didn't want to hurt you."
"so what? you don't think i could beat you?" i asked hurt.
"that's not the point."
"then what is the point?! because what you did hurt me, James! if i lost i would have lose fairly. but i told you i don't want do it and you made me! after this shit month, you made me dance against you!"
"i was trying to make the best of the situation. that's it."
"we had a deal!" i yelled at him.
"i understand we had a deal and i'm sorry for breaking that... but i did this for you." he walked closer to try and hug me but i pushed him away with tears.
"you knew how hard it was for me, James. i didn't want this." i cried. "but i can't just forget about it." i started walking away.
"izzy! iz! always and forever." he called and i froze. "i love you." he said softly.
i love him too. but i can't.
so i just walked out of the studio with my staff, crying. and i cried until i fell asleep.