The day after the interview, after dinner, Aiden suggests that I buy warm winter clothes. More exactly, it isn't a suggestion - he simply states that we are now going to do online shopping.
"I told you I don't feel good about it..."
"Let me spoil you as much as my heart desires," the guy continues to insist.
"I'm not comfortable with this," in turn, I'm on the defensive, although I understand there is a need to buy new clothes – I don't know how cold the winters are here, but it was hard to live in summer clothes in the mountains.
"But I am. You're a beautiful girl who deserves beautiful things," Aiden gives me his magnetic look, and in the end I decide to give up.
After all, I still intend to pay back the debt over time.
And if so...
It's difficult to explain what I am guided by when I go to the lingerie section and choose the most impractical, but stunningly beautiful and seductive sets, in addition to the necessary purchases. Although who am I kidding, everything is clear here. It's all Aiden's fault and his incessant praise of my body, which makes me more and more confident in myself.
I think it should be an advantage not only for me...
I'm lucky the guy left for a work call, although something tells me that this time I wouldn't be so embarrassed. Perhaps I even need to ask his opinion somehow when choosing... He left me his card for payment, so I can place an order without his presence.
"How are you doing here?" Aiden asks, sitting down on the edge of the bed.
"It's okay, I'm done."
"Have you already decided when you're going home?"
Home...Feels like a bitter taste on the tongue...
"I'll work for two more days and go on the next weekend," noticeably nervous, I answer.
In fact, I've been thinking about how to do everything perfectly all day at work today.
I'm sure that for the next couple of days I won't be able not to think about the upcoming mission, because I have never done anything like this.
My anxiety has just been sitting for hours in an oxygen mask from uncertainty and fear of failure.
What if I get detained? What if my parents are at home?
No, it's impossible. My parents clearly follow the schedule, no matter what happens...
Although they risked coming for me to take me away from here.
It was an absolute exception to the rule, but, nevertheless, they went for it.
God, my head is killing me. All this overthinking only makes it worse and worse.
"Viv, can you hear me?" Aiden asks, worried.
The guy looks at me suspiciously, but doesn't say anything.
We are both getting ready for bed, and I really hope that in his warm embrace I will be able to drive away disturbing thoughts.
***
A couple of days later, before picking me up from work at 8 p.m., Aiden receives at the pick-up point some of the packages with clothes from my recent order.
However, I hardly have enough strength for dinner and a shower, despite the desire to try everything on as soon as possible.
"How do you like it?" the guy suddenly asks, entering the bedroom.
I look up from the book and freeze in surprise – he is dressed in beige from head to toe.
"Tell me you're not..." I begin.
"You didn't think I'd let you handle it all by yourself, did you?"
In response, I just blink my eyes in confusion.
"Do I look like a Martyr?"
It's like some kind of parallel reality.
"Hmm...it's hard to say. I think it's just unusual for me to see you in this color..." I justify myself. In fact, I want to shout "Take it off, be yourself, I love you the way you are!".
I literally can't wrap my head around Aiden and Martyrdom.
Now he is as pale and weak-willed as all of us there.
"Honestly, I'm not thrilled either, but it's for business, so it'll do," the guy reasons, looking at himself in the mirror.
I'm going to wear the clothes I left my parents' house in the last time, but I'll put a beige jacket on – I had to order it specially for this occasion, as well as a beige handbag (I lost mine then, hiding from the chase...).
It's strange, but the closer X-day gets, the less I worry. Probably, my brain is already frankly tired of circling this topic in my head.
Before going to bed, Aiden and I carefully discuss the plan of action.
He asks me to describe in detail each of my future steps – this is his condition in return for the fact that he will wait for me near the border, and will not go deep into the city, risking uncovering both of us.
***
The next morning, Aiden gets up even before me – it's obvious how difficult it is for him to come to terms with himself about giving someone control over the situation.
I understand he's extremely worried about me, but we have no other way out.
It feels as if all the doubts and worries were somehow magically transmitted to him, but I am surprisingly calm and poised - perhaps in a few days I got used to the role of the previous version of myself again.
Inside, I take comfort in the fact I'm not going to do anything wrong – I'm just going to take what belongs to me.
We both have breakfast and change into prepared in advance clothes, then get in the car and drive to the border, a little further from the place of our first meeting, but we still go to those notorious bars (although, admittedly, in the light of day they don't seem so repulsive).
Aiden stops at the side of the nearest building, a little behind the bushes.
The engine stalls and a deathly silence reigns in the inside of the car.
It seems we both don't know what to say or do.
Aiden gently takes my hand and kisses the back of my palm, and then puts it to his heart and closes his eyes.
I don't need to feel the rhythm to know he's afraid for me and doesn't want to let go.
To somehow calm the guy down, I put my other palm to his cheek, "I'll be back soon. Safe and sound."
He opens his eyes and makes an attempt to smile, but it turns out only a sad grin.
Knowing that Aiden may change his mind and drive us home at any moment, I quickly kiss him on the cheek, then on the lips, take my bag and get out of the car, immediately heading to the main road with a bus stop.
I don't take a taxi because it increases the likelihood they will be able to remember me later. The more people there are, the more inconspicuous I will be, so public transport is the best solution.
I didn't think I'd ever want to blend in with the crowd.
As luck would have it, right at the entrance I'm banging my kneecap against a metal counter. The pain is sudden and sharp and I, without holding back, begin to hiss softly through my teeth, but in time I remember where I am and look around to find out if there are witnesses to my rashness.
Fortunately for me, due to the time of day, the bus is not packed, and those passengers who are there are busy talking.
I get down on the nearest seat and close my eyes, gathering my thoughts and calming from the slight pain shock.
I need to be more careful. Who would have thought that in such a short period of time it is possible to completely get rid of old settings (habits)?
It's very difficult for me to control my emotions now. More precisely, to hide them.
I'd rather it was over, I already want to go back to Aiden's embrace, where I can not pretend...
I have to make one transfer to get to my destination; this time there are more people on the bus (maybe because the stop is closer to the center).
I won't hide, I'm very surprised there are many people of working age who fit to be at work. We were taught this order from school.
On the hand of one of the girls, I accidentally notice a familiar watch...So it's Aiden's pain-relieving watch!
The same as the one he put on my wrist today before leaving the house! So these people can do whatever they want by wearing them?
I'm outraged and disappointed by the fact I didn't notice this all before. Although why be surprised? After all, I worked during these hours and was not a witness to what was happening.
The closer I get to home, the more my heart sinks.
Getting inside the apartment should not be difficult - we lock the doors, but we keep the keys almost in plain sight, security is based on conscience and trust.
I know there are even people who always leave the locks open.
The most important thing for me is not to meet any of my parents or acquaintances.
Despite the abundance of cameras, I don't hide my face in any way, because I hope not to leave any traces of my stay. Otherwise, no one will recall me to check the CCTV footage.
I breathe deeply from nervousness, climbing the stairs to the right floor, and I hesitate a little before getting the key out of a small hanging storage box.
But before inserting it into the lock, I'm smart enough to check if the door is open.
No, it's closed.
So no one is home.
I let out a sigh of relief.
No matter how much I miss my parents, I would not be ready for such a meeting.
After unlocking the door, I don't dare to go in for a while, as if for some time now I need an invitation. However, when I do decide, I find that nothing has changed inside.
Nothing but an increased number of my framed photos.
I swallow a tear-filled lump, holding on to the corridor wall with my hand.
I'm terribly sorry to hurt my parents with my choice, my absence.
If only they could understand and do what I did. Be there with me.
Memories of the other side and Aiden help me recover and head to my former room for the speedy realization of the goal.
Unfortunately and to my horror, the documents are not in the drawer where I usually kept them, and, panicking, I begin to sweep away and scatter everything that comes to my hand in search of the right papers. My breathing and pulse quicken, at some point it even begins to seem I'm going crazy.
Huddled in a corner like a hunted animal, I take slow breaths in and out, as Leo taught me, trying to come to my senses and think sensibly.
I do not have time to finish performing the breathing technique, as my father's phrase pops up in my memory that it's necessary to put all the documents in one place so that, as a last resort, we can quickly pick them up, and not waste time collecting around the house.
He didn't share back then where exactly he plans to put them, but it is enough for me to know that all his documents are in the drawer of the bookcase. And...I turn out to be right!
I have to carefully, without haste, return everything I have scattered to its place, so as not to arouse the slightest suspicion.
At this time, I find my bank card for savings. After all, I can withdraw this money and then exchange it for the currency of Shadows!
I have all the necessary papers to present at the bank, so I decide to go there immediately after putting the room in order.
My chest aches, and I am so drawn to leave my parents at least some news before leaving, but I understand this will only make it worse and more painful.
Tears are treacherously gathering in my eyes, and the key is shaking in my hand.
No amount of days of preparation for the task will help to dull these emotions.
After a quiet goodbye I lock this door forever.
It's a pity I can't just lock up my heart.