A/N: just letting you all know that my current update schedule is every other day. Im feeling better But my head is still fuzzy
- Taylors Pov -
I feel like a hollow shell. Joe stayed with me last night because I couldn't stop crying and he was scared that I would totally break down. I don't blame him because I genuinely got scared of my own sanity too. my past track record doesn't exactly warrant trust in my ability to handle stuff like this. I did try to kill myself at one point, obviously they saved me, but I get that it can make people worry more than they probably would with someone else. And I'm also known for using food to deal with crap like this.
Harry is still on my mind, and I can't help but feel like it's all my fault. He was clearly pushed to the breaking point and its obviously it all comes back to me not wanting to be with him anymore. I knew he would be upset but I didn't think he would become this desperate. People might struggle to get it, but he was my only friend for years, my best friend and my first love. That still means something, and I can't help but feel this is all my fault. He still loves me, and I may not have been too considerate over that.
«I can hear you thinking Taylor. What's going on in that pretty head of yours» Joe mumbles into my ears. He is spooning me from behind, but I didn't think he was awake yet. Selena is sound asleep across the room still, and the clock on my desk tell me its only five am.
I could lie to Joe and tell him I'm thinking about something else, but I've also learned that lying doesn't get me anywhere. One lie led to another and then eventually you're tangled in a web of them.
«I can't help but feel this is all my fault. I mean, he still loves me, and I haven't been that considerate. If I had done something else maybe he wouldn't feel the need to force himself on me. There are things I could have done differently. I'm clearly a horrible friend» I whisper unsure if I want him to actually hear me or not, but since his arms tighten around me, I think he did.
«Listen to me Taylor. It's not your fault, you did nothing wrong. If he didn't want to respect what you've told him, that you don't want him back, that's his fault alone. And forcing yourself on someone is never okay, no matter the circumstances. Hell even an old married couple can withdraw consent even if they have been married for a hundred years. It doesn't matter, consent can be revoked at any point. There is nothing that will ever justify someone forcing themself on someone else, nothing. He was in the wrong and I won't let you take the blame for his actions» he says sternly.
What he is saying makes sense rationally, but I can't help but feel like it's wrong at the same time. I have this tendency to take responsibility for everything that goes wrong around me, it's just who I am at this point. no matter how many times growing up my parents have been gentle with me to point out it's not my fault if something goes wrong it's been hard for me to believe them. It didn't matter to me if it was regarding an object, an action, or another person, I always took the blame. Even if it had nothing to do with me, I still felt guilty. Like the time Austin broke my mother's favorite vase that had been in our family for a hundred years I felt like it was all my fault because I was in the same room. it was an accident, so he only had to clean up and didn't get any other consequences I still sobbed my little 8-year-old heart out. So my dad held me as I cried and asked for forgiveness.
«I can't help how I feel Joe. I've known harry since I was a little kid, he was my only friend. But now I've thrown his feelings in his face and broken something special that we used to have. It is my fault Joe» I argue and sit up. It's not that I don't want the comfort of his embrace anymore, I just need to look at him while we have this conversation. It's easier for me to understand where someone else is coming from if I can look at them. Eye contact has always been a problem for me but can still read peoples body language.
«Youve known him for many years, but it's still not your fault. He is the one throwing your history out the window now, he didn't want to respect your choice. I know you feel like you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, but it's not all on you baby. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions» he kisses my hand softly and I know rationally that he is right, I just struggle to accept it. It goes against how my brain operates, but it does sound like something my therapist would have said too.
**
After school today I need some time alone. Joe is in the administration's office trying to get a roommate switch approved so I wanted to play some music on my won this afternoon. I had to go there too and tell my side of the story, but they let me go after that. They also have the recording and as far as I know they are going to confront harry because he did something so wrong, and then hopefully Joe gets the switch approved on the basis of that. I don't want to make an official report anywhere, especially if the roommate switch gets approved.
My fingers dance over the piano keys and I like the melody I'm playing with. Usually I don't write on the piano, I prefer the guitar, but for the sound I have in my head a piano would sound best.
«You booked the night train for a reason
So you could sit there in this hurt
Bustling crowds or silent sleepers
You're not sure which is worse»
It is a song about what happened between me and harry. At least that's where I'm going in my mind. For some reason I think things escalated on thanksgiving break when his parents were told I had moved on and that their son had been lying. Maybe it was like his last shred of hope was taken away from him and the last-ditch desperation really set in.
«Because I dropped your hand while dancing
Left you out there standing
Crestfallen on the landing
Champagne problems»
Champagne problems is the sort of problems that mean something to you, but in the big picture, if you compare it to world problems it's not that big of a deal. It's the things that mean something to us personally, but it's not important if you compare it to war, deadly illnesses, or world hunger. It still hurts, it can still leave scar, but it's not the most important thing in the world.
«Your mom's ring in your pocket
My picture in your wallet
Your heart was glass, I dropped it
Champagne problems
Adding a verse about his parents seem right as that is where I think things came to a climax with this breakup. Now he can't keep this picture of us getting back together with anyone around him. His parents did try to convince me to get back with their son, but they experienced one no after another for the whole evening. Hopefully that will be enough for them to really understand that I'm not backing down.
«You had a speech, you're speechless
Love slipped beyond your reaches
And I couldn't give a reason
Champagne problems»
It sort of seems like no matter the reason I gave him it hit blocked ears. No reason was respected, and it was all discarded like an inconvenience I apparently didn't really mean. Maybe he thought I was playing hard to get? I don't know. The picture he had painted of our apparent epic love was snuffed out and he was left with a fairytale that would never come true.
« »She would've made such a lovely bride
What a shame she's fucked in the head, " they said
But you'll find the real thing instead
She'll patch up your tapestry that I shred
And hold your hand while dancing
Never leave you standing
Crestfallen on the landing
With champagne problems
Your mom's ring in your pocket
Her picture in your wallet
You won't remember all me
Champagne problems»
The people around me might not get it, but I do still want what's best for him. Now I know that we can't be friends, it's not good for him because he can't move on that way. I was hoping we could go back to the way things were before we got together to begin with, but now I know that idea would never work. If he is still in my life, he will probably never lose hope that there is a chance for us, even though there really isn't a chance left at all. I was done with the idea of being with him long before I meet Joe, Joe didn't chance that for me.
He will find someone that will be what he needs, I need to believer that because he does deserve that. What he did to me yesterday was so wrong, but I can also see where he was coming from, not that I can tell anyone that. the new girl he finds will tape together the pieces I left broken, and he will realize that we were never meant to spend our lives together. Sometimes good things need to come to an end so even better things can take its place. Once he finds that girl, I will just be a distant memory from his youth, his first love that wasn't meant to last.
After I finish the song, I play it two more times before my phone goes off and I see it's my brother, so I pick up. «Hi Austin, what's up» I say and there is a pause on the other end. «What the hell has happened over there in New York? And do I need to come there and kick Harry's ass?»
So news has traveled all the way back to Boston? Fuck I didn't think it would. But in this day and age we have social media and I'm pretty sure someone got a picture or two of the situations once the drama with Joe pulling harry away happened. People love a good scandal, I think it's disgusting to take advantage of a private situation like that, but I know that's the world we live in now.
«It's fine. He did something he shouldn't do. But I don't want to blow it up more, I just want to leave it in the past and move on. What I do know is that I can't be friends with him anymore, it's not good for him» I tell him honestly.
«Taylor this is not your fucking fault. Screw what's good for him, you need to focus on what's good for you. Its sexual harassment damnit» he is angry, I know him well enough to hear it in his tone without seeing how his ears turn bright red and he clenches his fists so hard they turn white. I also know he is pissed because he usually calls me teffy.
«It's over now, and I just want to move on. Its best for the both of us if we make a clean break, that's what I should have done to begin with. I should never have tried to be friends with him after everything. You might not get that, but you don't know him like I do either. What he did was wrong, but I still care about him, and I just want us to let this go and move on. Joe is at the admins office right now to trade roommates, and none of us are friends with him anymore, so he won't be in my life anymore. That's good enough for me. I just want to move on» that's the truth, I don't want him to be punished.
It might not be something anyone else agree with, but I don't want him to be punished. Does that make me crazy? I don't know, but I don't think anything good would come from it. All I want is for him to leave me alone, I don't need anything else. If he does that we can coexist at the same school. I don't see the need to blow it up more and make a case of it, that's not in my best interest. Some people might feel differently, but at the end of the day it's my life.
«I don't like this, Taylor. He is messing with your head, and you have enough stuff going on already» he argues, and I tell him how again how I just want to part ways with him and coexist. For me that's the best solution and I need the people around me to support me in that.
It might not be everyone else's preferred solution, but it's the best thing for me. It happened to me, it's my life and I get to choose how I deal with it too.
***
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