Walking out of the lobby, the streets were already cast in darkness from the quickly oncoming clouds. Thunder was rolling somewhere in the distance, a threat for something more. There was still so much going on despite being late in the evening and the worsening weather. I loved these moments, the moments of the in between. Of standing outside in a busy city with drizzling rain, the city lights blurry in puddles, people running under umbrellas. To stand still in the wave of chaos. Simone's hand pushed me toward the dark car. The thud of the door closing removed me from the city's sounds. I sat back and leaned my forehead against the window, watching the city blur by. All the while I felt a stillness within. We were dropped off at the helipad by the docks, the large thunderhead moving slowly yet effectively towards the bright lights of the city. Yet the city stood tall in its presence, like nothing could threaten the bright lights. We were off to the airport and then we would board a private jet that would take me back home, to Las Vegas. I should be overcome with gratitude for the time I was allowed in New York but it only left me with a deep longing for more. It left me restless with how much more I had to do, before I would no longer see its lights.
Landing at one o'clock, I went straight to bed. Sleeping in my own bed was appreciative but it was an unnerving comfort that I didn't want to get used to. Like the plushness would overcome my inability to move. Someone opened my door, I opened my eyes to see Nevio walk in. I could recognize him just from his shadow, from the sounds his feet made. He pummelled down next to me on the fluffy comforter I had just sorted out. "Hey, you're back. Thank god, things were getting boring around here." "I did something bad Nevio,'' I confessed quietly, comforted by the dark. "Finally, I've been waiting for you to do something these past eighteen years." Like falling in love with the enemy? "I don't know if I can undo it, hide it, it's a stain and I can't get it out and the more I try the more it just spreads until I'm drowning in it." I hid my head under the comforters. The guilt was somehow so much stronger in Las Vegas. "You've gotten way too poetically dramatic since you've been gone. Please don't tell me you want to study social philosophy at NYU." Nevio laughed at his own musings. I didn't tell him that my favorite cafe in New York was swarming with that bunch. "It's simple. Own it, stop trying to appease everyone and own your mistake. Stains only make you grow." "It's, it's-" "Complicated? Nothing is complicated, you're just making it complicated in your head." That was another reason I loved Nevio, when my thoughts overwhelmed me, he brought me back to the truth. "What if the thing I love takes me away from you?" I was getting too emotional. "Everything is negotiable, I'll always be there to work through it with you. Because god knows you're bad at negotiating." I smiled, Nevio always brought me out of my little cloud of despair. We never kept secrets from each other, but New York Greta didn't feel a part of me when I was with my family. Those secrets felt personal to her, secrets for her to keep. It wasn't my place to share them.
I squinted my eyes open as the sunlight streamed in from my long windows that I had forgot to close the curtains on. I rolled out of bed to get ready in the bathroom then opened my balcony door to welcome in the dry heat of Las Vegas. Breathing in deeply, I cleared out the dampness in my lungs from the constant rain showers in New York. The sun was already intense, what time was it? I must have slept in. Nevio was still in the bed with me when I fell asleep but now I could hear his voice coming from the downstairs patio accompanied by screams and the splashing of the pool. My morning haze quickly burned off to be replaced with excitement at the familiar sounds. I ran back inside to put on one of my many bikinis and ran downstairs, my bare feet pit-pattering against the hard floors. I didn't even check if the bikini matched, too excited to get outside. The heat greeted me as I walked outside, I loved the familiar feeling, craved the bone deep warmth that enveloped me. It was like nothing had changed, the summer tradition of Saturday pool gatherings was in full swing. Everybody was laughing loudly, the catering of fresh fruit and muffins sat in the shade under a canopy. Everybody was here, Aurora, Carlotta, Adamo, Savio, Leona, even one of Nevio's friends, Valenzo, who was also friends with Alessio and Massimo. Nevio had told me that his two long time friends could finally come over to the house now. I guess I was the one standing in the way of that. How could I ever miss this? This was my family, a tradition I could never leave, I couldn't even imagine that. Dad saw me first, he was analyzing my face as I was standing in the threshold of the house. I quickly relaxed my facial features in fear that he could now read my thoughts. I smiled at him then ran up to Roman to hug him from behind, then hugged all the parents as they welcomed me back. "Greta! Get in here!" Nevio called from the pool and I promptly ran to the edge of the pool to cannonball in. Things hadn't changed, I was still me.
Around noon I was exhausted from swimming, playing a water gun war, jumping from the cove that I was always scared to do when I was younger. It was different having Valenzo here, a stranger in the midst of my familiar surroundings. That was ok though. I did catch him staring at me a couple of times when I was screaming laughter as Nevio brought me up on his shoulders. Perhaps my reputation was overtaking me again, but with Nevio I always felt safe to be myself. The adults had gone inside with Roman to eat lunch. The sun was getting to me too and I was craving the air conditioning. After our volleyball game we got out to sit under the shade on the large outdoor sofas, still pecking on the leftovers from breakfast. Aurora was talking loudly to me and Carlotta while I was digging into half of a melon. The boys were having another conversation nearby that I had ignored till now. "Yeah well not too long and we can show them what it's really like to be at war. The feeling of cold blood at my feet from just one of those Famiglia bastards will be the sweetest victory. " I stopped breathing for a second, shallowly swallowing the melon that felt like glass to my throat. I looked over to Nevio. Why did he say that? "Don't say that," I said defensively. "Greta, you're not eleven anymore, you have to grow up at some point and see the realities of this situation. The Famiglia needs to be destroyed and your whimpering about it won't change that." I looked around shocked at his words and the fact nobody was reacting to them in shock. Maybe because I was the only one adding visuals to that threat. Seeing faces that I now saw beyond an enemy. People I had come to care for. Nevio was a powerful person and I wouldn't wish anyone to be in his wrath. Once he labeled someone as an enemy, he was vigilant to see their demise. I'd never felt more alone with my family. Aurora kept talking but I couldn't digest the words anymore. I excused myself, Massimo frowned over at me as I walked away. Inside the air conditioning felt too cold. My bones felt brittle. I walked by the living room where everyone was standing around, talking loudly, too loudly. All the voices were muffled, all I felt was numbness. Betrayal? No, my family's views have always been the same. Nevio was just stating the truth. I was the betrayer amongst the group because I now felt something completely different toward the Famiglia. The kitchen was quiet, not too cold from the ovens being on. Kiara was in here, standing by the kitchen island chopping various things. "How can I help you?" I asked, desperate to have something to do. She gave me tasks which I finished quickly. I chopped the zucchini, sweet potato and cilantro. First violently, then slower. I sautéed the onions and when I made it to the pecans I had mellowed out. Cooking helped everything slow down, my racing heart, my meddling thoughts. "What was it like... when you were with the Famiglia?" I whispered, still focusing on the knife as if I was asking about the weather. It was sitting at the end of my tongue for thirty minutes, I finally had the courage to ask. She looked at me stunned for a second and then looked around the room to make sure we were alone I assumed. "I didn't live in New York, not in the heart of the organization. Even so I was never really a part of the inner workings of a function. I wasn't seen as a central figure to any event, more of someone people just wished would vanish, which I did in a sense. I was always on the sidelines, an outsider looking in... I have a friend in the Famiglia who is happy, but I guess my own memories are interwoven with the horrors of my personal life there. Any organization has good and bad people but I was just relieved to leave all of it, the hierarchy, my reputation, the gatherings." She seemed to be carried away as she looked out the window but then came back again, smiling at me. "You don't need to worry about them, Greta, I know it's hard to hear about the war but they are just as willing as the Camorra." I felt like crying but it could just be the onions... "Do you need to talk to me about something Greta? You know you can tell me anything,-" "No. I was just wondering that's all." This web that I had woven was becoming more and more complex that I was struggling to understand why I was still weaving it. Let it go, a part of me begged. But I couldn't. The oven pinged, we put the food in. I told Kiara I had to take a shower and snuck upstairs. I locked my door for the first time then let all the feelings crash down upon me. I cried on my bathroom floor as I realized everything had changed. My family thought I was the same but I now realized I was so different from the girl who left.
"Greta!" I didn't answer his last three calls. I splashed some more cold water on my face, looking up to my reflection in the mirror. My face was still puffy. "Greta, what are you doing? Dinners ready, I've been calling you." "Ok, I'll be there," I said, taking my gaze off my reflection. Of course Nevio had a key to my room, or maybe he just broke through the door. Wouldn't surprise me. I was still in my bath towel. The events of today still sat heavy on my heart and all I wanted was some time to process it all. I could always see Nevio beyond his exterior, I could always see the boy who cared so much for each other. At that moment his hate covered so much of himself that I couldn't see him truly. Nevio frowned, coming over to me. He hugged me from behind, resting his chin on my shoulder. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that to you. I shouldn't have said it that way." We never really apologized to each other, but Nevio had never spoken to me like that before either. We were both looking into the mirror now, as Nevio was confident in what he saw I was still searching it for answers. "No, you were just telling the truth, maybe I need to face that." "I never want to make you different, Greta." His voice dropped lower, softer. "It's been hard without you here. It kills me at night that you're so far away, without me to protect you. Sometimes it feels like you don't need me anymore, like you have a new life there that you like better. Like you're leaving us..." "I would never leave you Nevio.'' I turned to look at him, hugging his arms. I spoke the truth so wholeheartedly, I couldn't imagine a life without Nevio. "I will always need you, I will always need your voice, your laugh, our midnight talks." I squeezed him harder, "I will always need your hugs and I will always protect you, Nevio." "I know," he said, so strained. "I have to get ready," I whispered. He nodded, walking out to wait in my room as I walked into my closet to get changed. I put on the dress I always wore, but it didn't seem to fit since last time I had it on. The fabric was too restrictive under my arms and it fell lifelessly around my body like a sad dishcloth. My eyes caught the distinguished sage color of Aria's dress in my drawer. Despite the extensive craftsmanship and delicate fabric of it, I had unceremoniously shoved it away in shame. All I wanted was to hide this dress but now all I wanted was to show it off. I slipped it on and it slid into place on my body perfectly. Fitting me like it weighed nothing. My shoulders relaxed and I felt I could finally breathe fully. Slipping on my ballet flats and putting my hair up in a french twist, I walked out to my room. "I haven't seen that dress before. Where'd you get that?" Nevio said with slight concern in his voice. "New York," I smiled as I held out my hand. I didn't need to tell Nevio all of my secrets but I couldn't keep pretending I was someone else.
I was back in the ring with my dad somehow. The boxing gloves made me feel stupid and off balance, the big things looked silly with the proportion of my limbs. "So I was thinking... New York." "No thinking Greta, this is boxing, use your body not your head." "But it's important! I had a meeting with Ms. Polina and she said- ooof!" That hit was harder than what he usually did. I looked at him angrily. "That's the spirit,'' he smiled. I hit him back harder, I was trying. "I don't think this is good for my brain." " I've been boxing my whole life and I'm perfectly fine," he said sarcastically. My face fell a bit. "So you remember Polina Van Dechal?" "No, I don't." "That's because you've been boxing too much! Hey!" He did a move behind my head so that my whole ponytail fell onto my face. I shook my head and got back into position. "I talk about her all the time, she's an icon in the ballet world. A Prima ballerina." The statement didn't really have the desired effect. I stopped, breathing heavily, hair disheveled, "she said I could get in, professionally." He stopped too and raised a questioning brow. "She said I have a gift. I could get into the New York Ballet as a full time dancer." "No." "It's a once in a lifetime opportunity! Do you know how many people would die for this opportunity?" Ok, maybe I have become more dramatic. "No" "They're auditioning on-" "No Greta, that's final." I had on boxing clothes, if that's what you called a black sports bra and black leggings. I was trying. Trying to appease so I could have some more freedom. The small taste I had of it was too addicting. "I've never felt like this before... this powerful." I stared right into his eyes so I could hopefully convey the emotion that I couldn't use words to describe. This was my purpose. I finally had finality to that. I wanted to commit to it a hundred percent. Give it my all so that at least I could say I tried. I didn't even mind failing, failing would be a prize in itself for a dream this big. I hit again, with as much power I could proclaim as the frustration was welling up. "You're getting somewhere, do the sequence again, get into the flow of it."
I was sore from the morning workout. The excitement and loud beating of my heart in the moment made me override my natural ability to know when to stop. At least dad said I progressed more in one day than I did in two years, that was good. I was organizing my luggage, removing things and replacing them, setting aside things to wash. The door barged open, I looked up to see my dad. Speak of the devil. He nodded to me while walking quietly into my room, as if he didn't just almost ruin the hinges on my door. He looked anxious. He picked up one of my figurines and analyzed it like he'd never seen it, despite it being a birthday present from him many years ago. I had a feeling mom picked it out though. "Are you packing for tomorrow?" "Yeah, thank you for letting me go," he put down the figurine and nodded. "I've been thinking about it... I organized a date for you and Gavino." "What?" I said in shock. "You asked me last time... if I'd allow you to go on a date. So I arranged one for you." I should really consider my words more often. I wanted to scream no, but he was weirdly vulnerable with this and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. "Um, ok." "It's at five... at the Barato restaurant. I know you like that one..." He stood there awkwardly in the middle of my room. I'd never seen him this uncomfortable before. "You said I was too strict with you." I understood what he was trying to say, this was him trying. "Thank you, I need that," I said sincerely. Me and Gavino had grown up together, he was around the same age as Nevio and I so we often saw him at events and parties when I was younger. I forgot who he was related to, someone higher up because I knew he lived in our neighborhood. While I didn't particularly want to hang out with him alone, he was part of our world and I was expected to like him, to be nice and to smile at him. To sooth his wounds and his heavy heart, whatever the hell mafia women did. Dad tolerated him more than usual for some reason. He said he was savvy but I had a paralyzing feeling that my family expected me to marry him, to live right down the street, to retire my hobby as a dancer and have four kids. That somehow scared me much more than the idea of Amo ever did. But Amo wasn't real life. I couldn't just spend all my time in a dream when I needed to grow in the real world. Amo would be a forbidden fantasy I could keep all to myself when I was settled and tame. A gift to bring with me to retirement.
Sitting in my closet, Mom picked out another dress that I said no to. I looked at Aria's dress hanging in the corner and the contrast was striking next to my other dresses. Like the others were for dolls but this one was made for a woman. Suffice to say my family didn't exactly approve of the dress. I focused on the one mom was holding up with ruffles and flowers on it. I shook my head again. I was going on a date and all I could think about was Amo."This one?" She held up a lilac dress with a high neck and A line shape. "I'll try it on." The hem of the dress ended at my knees, any more fabric covering me and I would have a heat stroke during this time of the year. This one would do. I put on minimal makeup and mom helped with styling my hair, all the while I tried to act excited for her. I didn't want to burst her bubble that I didn't feel anything. Nothing about it was like I was going on a date which would've paralyzed me with nerves before. Why couldn't I feel anything? I walked down the marble stairs in my high heels. I hated how each step made a loud clacking noise that echoed off the stone. By the time I reached the living room everybody was expecting my appearance. I tried to smile as everyone looked at me but it was a strained beauty pageant smile of someone who just won second. "This is bullshit! Gavino is the worst guy for Greta!" Nevio roared. "It's fine Nevio, it's just a date." I tried to calm the situation but we both knew in our world just dates weren't a thing, if anything it was a final step before marriage. I shivered. "Gavino is respectable." Nino said logically, as if it was the only nice thing he could think of. "He's a fucking coward!" Well, this was fun. I looked for dad for some reassurance but he seemed to be in an even worse mood than Nevio. Silently frowning into the wall. The air around him was dark. "Everything is fine! This is all fine!" I said with fake confidence. "But um, who's going to take me?" Savio got up, which I was grateful for since he looked like the only one in a neutral mood. Usually he was the most reckless. "I'll wait in the car then," I said as everyone watched me leave. When I was out of view I slouched my shoulders, as if coming off stage, my smile fell. I tried to hide it as Savio came to the car. "You're still a bad liar, Greta." "What do you mean?" "You don't want to go on this date." "I don't." "You don't have to, why don't we just go to Sonic instead?" "I can't remember the last time I've eaten there! No, maybe I do. It was when you used to sneak me and Nevio out when we were younger! But no, Gavino is expecting us and I don't want to leave him waiting." "Is it someone else then?" I knew what he was asking but I feigned innocence to the question. "I didn't think it was something to worry about, but maybe? Remo worries you're going to find someone else on your own. That you are going to leave the family." Savio started the car casually, like those words didn't just come out of his mouth. I pursed my lips. So much was unraveling and yet no answers were coming up. So I kept quiet.
The large restaurant was empty, the door closing behind us caused an echo to bounce throughout the place. I realized that it was closed for just this event and the staff had moved all the other tables out. Geeze no big deal but this was making me feel incredibly anxious. Standing in the middle of the room was Gavino, he had changed so much since I last saw him. He was so much more substantial. He had on a suit that was a tidge too large, his hair looked better than mine, styled back with gel. He smiled with his hands in his pocket as I walked up, then moved something on the table to turn back around and take my hand as we awkwardly stood there. He looked over to Savio as if asking for permission. I looked over at Savio too who just rolled his eyes and found a seat nearby to go on his phone. Gavino settled on shaking my hand and we both seemed amused by the fluster. He slid a chair out for me. There were real candles on the table. A server came to the table giving us the menu and asking if we needed anything. Every sound was so loud in this large space. "So you do ballet?'' Gavino asked when the server walked away. What an innocent question that would make up most of my life. A lot of people asked me this question and a lot of people had their own definition of what it entailed. For me I could never define it. It was a feeling I committed to time and time again until I was labeled as a good ballet dancer. I could never explain what it was to do ballet. So I just nodded. "I'm honored to have this time with you Greta. When Rem- your father first approached me I swore I was going to my death bed, the man sat me down like I was signing my death certificate." "Yeah, sorry, he has that effect." "I was relieved it was just for a date with you. I must say I was surprised you still live here. Nobody really knows anything about you. I mean I remember you when you were little but Nevio never talks about you anymore." He seemed to try to be polite about the subject so as to not offend me but I was delighted with the news. "That's good." "People would love to meet you Greta. You know, we are having a banquet for Maria and Flavio's upcoming wedding next week. You should come." I didn't even know who that was, though he spoke of them as if everyone did. "What do people think about me? Don't be polite, tell me truthfully because I don't think anyone wants to celebrate a girl who has abandoned everyone for the past ten years." "For good reason you were almost kill-" "-No!" I quickly pleaded, I didn't want the emotions to overcome me when he finished that sentence. "Please, let's not talk about that, I don't have nightmares for the reason you think about that day." He bit his lip, looking away then back to me. "You are a princess Greta, anybody would be honored to be in your presence, you are a precious gem in an unforgiving desert. Anybody would have done what your father did, they would understand hiding you away." The way he looked at me... like I wasn't mortal anymore, in his eyes I represented something more, putting me up on a pedestal that was too high for me to step down from. It frightened me, but also flattered me. "Well it doesn't really matter because I have dreams that don't fit the quota of this... this family. And trust me once they meet me they would only be disappointed in my lack of sovereignty, let's say." "And what are your dreams?" he asked, sipping his untouched wine. It reminded me of the scarlet splatters on my dress that I had to hide away in my closet. The time when all my careful worrying flew out the window and all that was left was... the unexplainable. "I want to be center stage, I want tears falling down my cheeks as I'm teetering on my pointe shoes for the last concerto of the final pas de deux. It's dark in the crowd, it's opening night and it's December outside. The spotlight is on me. There's no other sound except the lonely violinist finishing the last movement of the sonata.... I can feel it like it's in front of me. I can sense everything in that moment. You don't understand the fear that keeps me up that this won't happen, that the fear will bury it before it ever gets to breathe life. That it will only stay a dream and never see the light. It's been haunting me for so long." Yet this was the first time I ever admitted it out loud to someone, scared to tell people close to me about it. What if I told them and it never happened? I'd feel like even more of a failure. But I knew I wouldn't see Gavino again, I knew I wouldn't go to the wedding. So what did I have to lose? A quiet confession in the masses. He looked at me for a minute with sincerity, then confusion. "You can't become a performer, you will be targeted, you need to be protected." He said as if reciting a rule book. I always knew that, I knew the rule book better than anyone.. Yet it only occurred to me to question what they were protecting. Body not soul.
We walked outside and pure excitement shot through me when I realized it was raining. "It's raining Savio!" "I see that, get in the car!" he shouted as he ran to the car. I stood there a minute looking up into the gray sky as the rain fell freely. I laughed delightedly and then ran to the car myself. That night I did something bad. I texted Amo. Just to have one thing from my other life, to make sure I could still escape to it, to pinch myself that it wasn't all a dream.
-"I like when it rains here, it reminds me of New York, it reminds me of you, I don't know where home is anymore"
-"Come back to your real home"