A/N: Thanks so much for reading! Hope you are having a great holiday!
Enjoy!
Mark drifted, he felt like he was floating, he looked down and winced. "Ooh." It was an awful sight before him. "That's just nasty..." He saw paramedics and firemen rushing around the scene. They shredded his corvette like it was paper. "Damn. I loved that car."
"Mm," a familiar voice said. Mark spun around to see Derek beside him, watching the scene.
"Hey man!" Mark grinned, happy to see his friend. "Long time, no see!" He slapped him on the back.
Derek coughed, "Oh, yeah! You too!"
Then something occurred to Mark. "Shit. Wait, hold on... Derek, am I... am I dead?"
Suddenly they were in the ambulance, beside the frantic paramedics, as they worked on him.
"I don't know," Derek smirked, "Are you?"
Marked checked his vitals, a little tachy. His blood pressure was low. He probably had internal bleeding, but his body was breathing. "Hey, I haven't kicked the bucket yet. Cool! I'm still alive man!"
"Yeah," said Derek. "It'll hurt like a bitch, but you'll be fine."
They rode in silence for a moment, just enjoying the reunion. "So ah... what is this? An out of body thing?"
"Sort of," Derek said. "It's Limbo."
"Neither here nor there." Mark said, nodding, quoting Seuss.
"What?"
"Green Eggs and Ham," he said.
"I prefer bran myself." His best friend quipped.
"Ha ha..." Mark replied snidely. Below him, the monitors connected to his body beeped, indicating a drop in blood pressure. "You're sure, right?" He asked Derek. "I'm not gonna die?"
"Not if you don't want to."
"Good, cause I don't wanna die. I've got too much too live for now. Sofia... Lexie... Derek, Lexie said she... she said she wants a family. With me. I can't give that up. I worked too hard to have that with her.
"I know." Derek said.
Mark looked down. Whoa, time passed strangely here in Limbo. He was already in surgery.
"You'll be fine," Derek said. "And Lexie... she really does love you a lot."
"I know..." he said softly.
"Mark, I need you to do something for me."
"What is it?"
"I need you to tell Meredith something...."
xxx
Mark blinked and choked. Everything was so damn bright. He couldn't breathe. There was a tube... why – what? He tried to reach for it, but someone grabbed his hand. "Mark, it's me... it's Lexie,"
He blinked again, his blurry vision coming into focus until he saw brown hair and familiar dark green eyes. He wanted to talk but he couldn't breathe why couldn't- what...
Lexie's words were soft and calming, though he was too out of it to understand. "Accident....surgery...intubated...fine... call Shepherd Grace..."
But he felt her hand around his, and he knew he could do this one little thing...
He squeezed it, before the sedatives took him away again.
xxx
"Who the hell is this guy?"
"Alex?" Jo looked up from her drink.
Alex regarded his girlfriend, someone he was pretty sure he wanted to spend he rest of his life with, and wondered what she was doing at the bar with some clean-cut dude he'd never seen before.
But the man beat Jo to the punch. "Dan Pruitt," He said, offering his hand which Alex shook slowly as he sized him up. "You must be Karev."
"Yeah..." Alex replied, shooting a questioning gaze at Jo. She mouthed, 'sorry,' and shrugged. "What's this about?"
"Well, uh," Pruitt rubbed the back of his neck. "You're Amber's brother right?"
Alex nodded.
"I'm with Seattle PD. Your girlfriend asked me to do some digging around, she thought Amber might be in trouble with this... Brent guy and his dad."
Alex nodded again, wishing he had a beer. It would give him something to do.
"Well, I did some checking, the daughter Amber gave up for adoption is in Seattle. And... it looks like Brent, the supposed 'sperm donor,' lives in the same neighborhood."
Now Alex knew... without a shadow of a doubt, why his sister was here in Seattle. And he knew that she hadn't left. When he glanced at Jo again, she guiltily shook her head. Pruitt didn't know about the gun. "I need a beer," he muttered. "And then you're gonna tell me where this Brent fucker is."
xxx
Owen held Amelia as she stared at Derek's tombstone. He'd known, once he got her in the truck, that he needed to take her here. That she needed to process things. She hadn't dealt properly with all the losses in her life. That was evidenced by her inebriated state.
"Why'd you bring me here?" she asked.
Owen squeezed her hand and cocked his head to the side. "Maybe you need closure."
"Closure." Amelia nodded slightly, her voice breaking.
He didn't know how else to tell her. As much as he wanted to protect her from the pain of loss, he couldn't enable denial when it led to so much self-destruction.
"Huh," Amelia mumbled. Owen waited patiently. For what exactly, he didn't know. "The funeral..." Amelia said, "It was terrible. I mean... the service was an excellent service. Everyone was kind, and said nice things... There were so many people, but- we were all just in shock, I think."
"Mm," Owen held her closer and rubbed her back. "I remember."
"I just remember thinking... Is this it? Is this how my life is going to play out? First my dad gets shot, and now Derek too? How does this happen?"
Owen could only shrug, his heart aching for her.
"Everyone was a mess. We were all just... Mom, she was stricken. But she was so strong... Nancy and Liz were nitpicking and Kathleen was playing peacemaker. Addison and Mark kept reminiscing about 'the good old days,' whatever that meant... and I didn't know anybody else there, so... I just left during the wake. Mom was so upset, but..." she shook her head, "I couldn't be there. Another funeral?"
"Amelia..." Owen consoled.
"He hated me," Amelia blurted.
"I'm sure he-,"
"I stole his prescription pads. I crashed his mustang and overdosed. If he hadn't found me...," She shook her head. "He saved my life. And I... I..." she tucked her hand into her pocket, as if looking for something, then shrugged. "So, what? I just live his? Come to Seattle and be the 'other Dr. Shepherd? Live in his house? Do his job? God... I feel... I feel so... fake-,"
"You're not-,"
"I totally-,"
"Amelia..." Owen turned to face her completely. His hands slid down her forearms.
"What?" she rasped. Her fingers toyed with the zipper on the bottom of her jacket until he gripped them with his own. He gazed at her softly, though she refused to look at him.
Tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear and sighed, "You feel... incomplete. Like something is missing. Like you need something, but that something, whatever it is..." Owen cupped her chin, "is gone." Unfortunately, he knew the feeling. But unlike Derek, there was no gravestone for Megan.
Amelia looked up at him, and Owen forced thoughts of his sister out of his mind. He couldn't afford to be triggered right now. "He's gone." Owen said, knowing that the word 'he' was a conscious decision that could possibly encompass all the men in Amelia's life.
"He's gone." Amelia gasped as the reality struck her. She shivered in his arms, "I hate this."
"Mm." Owen replied.
"I never got to say sorry."
Owen looked at the tombstone, "You can say it now."
xxx
Carolyn sat at the kitchen table in a daze. Meredith's abrupt reaction to her appearance shook her. But in her mind, she was carefully adding two and two together.
Just a few minutes ago.
"Hello?" Carolyn tried the door and to her relief, it was open. She stepped in, all too aware that this was definitely a surprise for Meredith. She knew that if she called ahead, Meredith would likely try to avoid her, and thought it best that she didn't know.
Ever since her conversation with Mark, Meredith had been in the forefront of her thoughts, and Carolyn thought she should check up on her daughter in law, if only to ease her mind.
Except the sight before her did nothing of the sort.
Right there in the foyer, against the stairs, Meredith was gasping for air.
"Meredith- Dear Lord, what happened in here?" Carolyn exclaimed as a quick survey revealed an upturned table and broken glass in the living room. Had there been a break in? Should she call the police?
But her attention was drawn back to Meredith, whose breaths seemed to be coming shorter and shorter. "Meredith," Carolyn crouched down as Meredith struggled for air. It was clear she was having a panic attack. "It's all right, just breathe, sweetheart, breathe..."
Meredith swallowed and gasped, and Carolyn felt a spear in her heart when she saw the look in her eyes. Absolute devastation. Loss, even more extreme then when Derek died, because, in the depths of those irises was profound hopelessness.
Before Carolyn could do anything more, Meredith closed her eyes and passed out.
"Meredith?" She called, shaking her, but she didn't move. Thankfully she was still breathing. It seemed her autonomic nervous system had taken over. "Oh..." Carolyn sighed wearily. She paused to figure out what to do. Should she call the police? An ambulance?
Glancing at Meredith, she decided it would be best to wait. Meredith appeared to be unharmed right now, and she didn't want to create unnecessary tension and anxiety for the poor woman.
She grabbed a pillow and blanket from the couch and brought it over, propping her daughter-in-law into a more comfortable position, and draped the blanket over her small form.
Then she turned her attention to the living room and began to tidy up.
About five minutes later, a noise got her attention.
Sniffling.
Carolyn put her rag down and drifted to the foyer. At the base of the stairs, Meredith had pulled her knees up to her chest and buried her head between. Her body shook with stifled sobs.
"Meredith, are you all right?" Carolyn approached her slowly, "Are you hurt? What happened?"
Meredith only shook her head and wiped her eyes before standing.
"Meredith?" Carolyn asked as the younger woman shuffled past her into the kitchen. It seemed like a lost cause. She watched uncertainly as Meredith stared at the large square oak table in the kitchen.
Worried, Carolyn searched the cupboards for a glass and filled it with water. "You're probably dehydrated dear," she said, cupping it into Meredith's hands.
Without a word, Meredith sat down at the table. To Carolyn's relief, she took a small sip.
And for the next fifteen minutes, she remained there.
Xxx
Carolyn gripped Meredith's phone, put the battery back in, and turned it on.
"Um, would you like something to drink?" Maggie asked. "Tea?"
"Who's Zola?" Carolyn asked, getting right to the point. "They don't think I can be her mother," Meredith had said, moments ago. "Who doesn't think she can be a mother, Maggie? Was Meredith...? Was she-,"
"She wanted to adopt a little girl." Maggie said, frustrated, "Zola." She filled a teapot with water.
"Lord," Carolyn gasped. "So she had been trying-,"
"To be happy? Yeah." Maggie walked over to the table and sat down. "I don't get it. Today was the final home check. We were pretty sure that family services would grant custody. She tried so hard, Carolyn. She followed everything to the letter. She even baked cookies..." Maggie nodded to the tupperware container in the middle of the table, "By herself."
Carolyn raised an eyebrow. She recalled a few conversations with Derek over the phone where he mentioned Meredith's cooking... it was always with a little laughter, and usually with her yelling in the background-'It's edible, isn't it?'
Cautiously she reached for the container and peered into it. "These cookies," she said. "They have smiley faces on them."
Maggie smiled. "Yes, it's my mother's recipe. Meredith followed the directions, and voila! My sister can bake!"
"Sister?" Carolyn asked as she picked up a soft, golden brown cookie with blue dots for eyes and a pink frosting smile. Wasn't Lexie Meredith's sister? Maggie sure didn't look like Meredith's sister.
"Oh, um... half sister. Her mother..." Maggie sighed. "Her mother gave me up for adoption, Meredith was too little to really remember."
"I see." Carolyn said.
"She had a baby?" Maggie asked softly.
Carolyn regarded the woman, sizing her up. There was so much history with Meredith, and she knew how private she was. How carefully she tucked everything in because letting it out was too painful. She realized that Maggie had probably pieced a few things together and was looking for confirmation. "Yes," she said softly, as her mind raced back to that awful horrific day. "She found out she was pregnant the day Derek died... she lived for that baby. But, there was an accident. Meredith's injuries were too severe, and the baby died before she was born."
Bereft of an appetite, Carolyn put the cookie down.
"How does this happen?" Maggie exclaimed. "How does the universe just take and take and take? You know, when I first met Meredith, I thought she was a bitch. She called me a liar, she avoided me... she even... barfed on me. I almost gave up on her, Carolyn. I came all this way to find her, and for a little while, I was like, screw this... I don't want anything more to do with her. But-,"
"She grew on you." Carolyn input. She had to admit, although she'd never doubted Meredith and Derek's love for each other, she was at times, a little uncertain they could pull together. But... there was something endearing about Meredith, about her survivorship, her capacity to face hardship, that just drew Carolyn in.
"I realized... she was just... really hurting." Maggie swallowed, "Everyday she tries to put one foot in front of the other... That's why this is so important. She needs Zola to heal. She needs love."
Carolyn glanced down at Meredith's phone. There, on the slim screen was a wallpaper of Meredith, and a dark little girl with frizzy hair tied up in two puffs. The child's white smile gleamed alongside an equally bright and joyous smile from Meredith, who looked like an entirely different person from the hopeless mess she saw earlier. "We have to fight this, Maggie," she said, looking into Maggie's fierce dark eyes. "We can't give up. We can't let her give up."
Xxx
The wind was cold, and she'd forgotten her jacket, but she didn't care. Why should she? It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. Her broken heart, held together with nothing but tape had once again been violently ripped out of her chest, stomped on, and thrown into the gutter.
Meredith unconsciously tugged at her shirtsleeves and hunched her shoulders as she stared down at the moving water.
It wasn't too far down.
Her thin fingers clutched the cold railing of the ferryboat. She'd cried already. The steering wheel of her Lexus was soaked with her tears.
Now there was none left.
Was this it? Was this how the story ended? She didn't know she could love again until she met Zola. She didn't know that she loved Zola until today. Anatomy Jane had proved it.
Some thirty odd years ago, Anatomy Jane had been the tenuous line between Meredith and her mother, the one thing that told her five-year-old self that her mother cared in some way about her.
Giving it to Zola was an extension of that line. Except it wasn't tenuous. Meredith had been prepared, been preparing herself to offer so much more. She'd been ready. Except she didn't realise how ready she was until that line was cut. Snapped, ripped, shredded.
And now Zola was gone.
Yeah... she knew she could fight it, she knew she would get another shot, have her day in court or whatever...
But all the what-ifs were too much. The finality of a judge's gavel levied against her and the possibility of never, ever seeing that little girl again was too much to fathom.
Meredith was furious with Amelia. Imagining what that woman did, or wanted to do in her living room made her eyes burn and her throat constrict with rage.
But the worst part was her own anger at herself. She'd gone soft. She listened to everyone around her and leaped, head first, heart as wide as she would allow, and smashed into a block of cement.
It fucking killed her.
No wonder Ellis ran. No wonder she became hard-core surgery Goddess. Loving people hurt too much.
She was done.
Meredith squeezed the railing until her fingers hurt. Until her wrists ached. Until the heat from her hands transferred to the dull metal.
She wondered how cold the water was.
Shivering, she turned away from the churning water and faced the deck. It was fairly late, and only a few people milled about the concourse. She didn't know what to do. She thought about going to the cemetery... but to do that she needed tequila, and she just didn't have it in her to do that again.
She couldn't protect Derek from Gary Clark. She was right there, in front of the gun, telling him to shoot her instead...
But Clark ignored her and shot her husband in the head before he shot himself.
She couldn't protect Grace... Carolyn had offered to take a taxi, but she, stupidly independent and enormously pregnantinsisted on picking her up, because cab fare was insane.
And Zola?
She started that fire. She knew Amelia was fragile, but she just let loose with the dark and twisty, on the same day of her home check. Good Job Meredith, way to sabotage yourself.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. To Derek. To Grace. To Zola.
It should have been her.
It should have been her.
It should have been her.
Meredith stared blankly into space, stuck again between life and death. Not knowing how to move on.
Movement caught her eye. A familiar light brown jacket and orange hair. And a familiar mane of perfect long dark locks
Amelia.
Meredith blinked and did a double-take. And suddenly she had no control over herself. Everything she packed and bottled away inside started to spill out. The survivor in her latched on to this opportunity as it made Amelia her new target and she launched herself at her. "Hey!"
xxx
"Are we going where I think we're going?" Amelia asked.
"Derek's land? Yes."
"Oh."
"It's technically your mother's property now, but..." Owen shrugged. "She hasn't done anything with it, so I don't think she'll mind. His trailer is still there. Meredith goes there sometimes, I think."
"Oh." Amelia said.
"I just thought-,"
Suddenly, there was a blur in her peripheral vision. "Hey!" An angry voice called.
Amelia and Owen stopped and glanced in the direction of the voice. Where had she heard that-?
But there was no time to think as she was suddenly being pushed backwards. Meredith appeared in a thin purple sweater, flushed and angry as she clutched the lapels of Amelia's jacket, pushing her away from the safety of Owen's arms. "Meredith-," Amelia gasped. "Mere-what-,"
"You!" Meredith screamed. "How could you? How could you do that to me?"
What? Do what? Amelia thought frantically, confused as she struggled to stay upright. Oh... the drunk thing. Dammit. "Mere- I-," she tried to apologize. But there was something about the viciousness of Meredith's tone, the haunted look in her eye, and the pure... desperation that made Amelia this was about something else entirely.
She wrestled with Meredith's hands as her back hit the railing of the ferryboat. Damn that woman had a strong grip. "Let go of me! Ow! Meredith!"
"Meredith!" Owen boomed as he grabbed his friend from behind, locking her arms behind her. Meredith tried to kick out of it, but it was futile..
"I'm sorry," Amelia said. "I'm sorry I was drunk in your house," she offered genuinely. That had been a mistake, a very costly one, she was now realizing.
"You're sorry? You're sorry now?" Meredith shouted, struggling against Owen. Not finding an avenue of attack, Meredith spat at Amelia, but she dodged it.
"Grey!" Owen yelled, pulling her back.
What the hell was going on? Amelia thought, "God, Meredith! I was just trying to help, but you decided to practically disown me! I thought we could support each other, but it turns out you're just jealous! So, you should be happy to know that I, Amelia Shepherd, fell off the wagon. Again. For the umpteenth time. So sorry I did it in your house, which happens to be where live I too. Oops," she held up her hands in mockery. "At least I didn't barf all over your sister."
"Amelia!" Owen warned as Meredith seethed in his grip.
"Sorry," she said quickly, realizing her slip. She was still pretty drunk, despite her sobering trip to the cemetery. "Meredith... I had a terrible lapse in judgement today, I handled some things very badly. And, I am very, truly, deeply sorry."
"You're sorry," Meredith repeated tonelessly.
"I'm sorry." Amelia said. It bared repeating.
Meredith shook her head, "Yeah? Because of what you did, Zola's gone!"
Her words struck Amelia like a physical blow. "What?" she rasped, dazed with confusion. What did... what did Zola have to do with this equation?
"You're mad at me. You got drunk. Fine. I get it. I've been there. But you forgot something."
Amelia's thoughts drifted back... what had she forgotten? And then she remembered this morning Meredith baked cookies. "The home study..." she whispered.
"Yeah," Meredith nodded angrily.
"That was today..." Amelia's vision blurred as she recalled tipping over the coffee table, tearing up some kind of drawing, throwing a bottle...
"Yeah."
She screwed up. Royally."I-," Her hand immediately went to her pocket. Her Oxy. She tucked it under her thigh to hide it from Owen. "Oh... Oh God, Meredith I-," her heart wrenched as the implications of her actions struck her.
"I know I said some really mean things...but-," Meredith gasped and choked. "What you did... How? how could...?" she shook her head, unable to finish the sentence. It was as if every bit of strength she had left her body. If Owen wasn't behind her, Meredith probably would have fallen. "I don't know how to do this, how to keep doing this.... She swallowed. "Zola came back. I was terrified. I didn't want to love her. I didn't." she shook her head. "But I couldn't help it. It happened so fast. And she... she... I..." her gaze drifted up to the left, to the sky. "I'm just done. I'm done trying. I'm done loving. I'm done hoping. I'm done hating. I don't even hate you for what you did, Amelia... because it's just not worth it."
"Mere-? What are you saying?" These were not good things to hear. These were things people said when they were done with life.
"Grey?" Owen said.
"I don't know..." Meredith said, turning her attention to the water.
"Maybe we should get you home," he replied. "I can take you in my truck." He offered.
"It's okay," Meredith replied. "I think I'll go to Derek's for awhile."
"A while?" Owen asked. "Grey, I don't think you should be alone."
"I won't be," she said.
Xxx
Meredith pulled up to the trailer. She hadn't been here in months. Stepping out of the car, she stared up at the many stars that lit up the sky like glitter, and wished a tiny wish.
She lied.
She wasn't done hoping.
But at this very moment, she was done trying.
It hurt too much to see her efforts trampled on. There was no more energy left for it. Rummaging in an old flowerpot, she found a key and opened the door to the musty trailer.
Thankfully the water and heat still worked, and after using the bathroom to pee and scrub the last remnants of tears from her cheeks, she dug up Derek's favorite worn blanket and collapsed on the bed.
Cocooning herself in it, in Derek, she fell asleep.
Xxx
A/N: Whew! Please vote, follow, comment!