If you start to like someone else, if i get used to not being with you:
She's so tired.
Her shirt is sticking to her chest, her back, her neck feeling too cold because of the aircon inside the car blowing air against her sweaty skin.
Lisa has her phone plugged in on the AUX chord, playing one of her indie rap songs that make Jennie think the artists are constantly high when they write and record their songs.
The window is rolled down on Lisa's side, letting in the noises of the city. A lot of angry honking, distant sirens of ambulances, shouting, laughing, chatting on phones as pedestrians rush through the mass of people to get home.
They're stuck in traffic, even at this hour. And it's so hot.
It's sweltering, and breathing is hard.
Jennie rests her head on the cool window and pretends not to notice her best friend's concerned looks she keeps shooting her.
"Are you hungry?" Lisa asks softly. "We can grab some take-out, if you want."
"No," Jennie croaks. She clears her throat and blinks her eyes open, staring out at the scenery of the city and from where the car is standing right now, she can't see a single tree.
And suddenly all of this feels so wrong. Jennie shouldn't be here. She should be back in the village, up in the mountains, in the unpolluted air, the organic food, the fresh breeze, the silence and nature-
But not here.
Jennie glances at Lisa and her chest aches when she sees the mildly hurt look on the older's face.
She can't take this out on her, so she offers a small smile that definitely doesn't reach her eyes.
"Thank you, Lis."
Lisa sighs, her eyes sad. "Jen..."
"Please," Jennie says and shakes her head, her smile fading. "Not-Not now."
Lisa looks like she wants to argue, but she closes her mouth and nods. "Okay. Okay, Jen."
So they don't talk.
Jennie can't remember the last time in her life she felt so utterly hopeless and miserable.
-
After dumping her whole suitcase in the laundry bin, Jennie jumps in the shower, and stays under the cold spray of water for way longer than appropriate.
Her limbs feel numb by the end of it, but the ice cold water helps her clear her mind, and she's not feeling like she's going to choke on air every time she breathes once she gets out.
She's drying her hair in front of the mirror when she notices the glint of metal around her neck, the gentle weight of crystals cool against her warming skin.
Jennie sighs heavily, a lump already forming in her throat just from thinking how happy she was two days ago when Y/n gave her the present. When she put it on for Jennie, her fingers soft and gentle on her skin.
She gulps and reaches behind her neck until she's touching the clasp, fumbling with it for a moment until she manages to open it.
It's actually a really pretty necklace. Jennie didn't expect Y/n to have a nice taste in these things.
But maybe there are just a lot of things Jennie doesn't know about the older girl.
And she will never find out, now, will she?
Jennie quickly disregards the thought and closes her fist around the necklace. She doesn't want to throw it away, but she doesn't want to wear it either.
She ends up putting it inside the drawer of her nightstand, under all the other crap she has thrown in there, like it's just as meaningless.
Like it doesn't make Jennie want to curl up and cry.
This isn't the first time Jennie's heart breaks because of another person. Her parents have done it for the first time a long time ago, and then countless other people, and of course it hurt, it always did, but not like this.
She jumps into some comfortable clothes, her hair dripping on her bedsheets when she sits down. Jennie feels a bit clueless as to what to do next.
It's so quiet inside her room, and her chest is flooded with regret. Her head is getting fuzzy again, lack of sleep and the events of the past days slowly but surely getting a toll on her.
A soft knock on the door makes her flinch from where she's been dozing off with her eyes open a few minutes later, or maybe it's been hours, because when Jennie looks up from the ground, it's noticeably darker outside.
Shit. She must be more exhausted than she realized.
"Lis?" Her voice is quiet but Lisa still hears her, because the door opens a little and her best friend peers inside carefully.
She gives Jennie a tentative smile and holds out what looks to be a pink popsicle. It makes Jennie smile, weak but genuine.
"Can I come in?"
Jennie nods and shuffles back on her bed until her back hits the headboard and Lisa can sit down on the side. She takes the offered popsicle, pursing her lips as she looks down at it.
It's her favorite one, the one that tastes like bubblegum on the outside and... peaches on the inside.
Her smile immediately dims, and her throat clogs up.
Lisa looks so worried and Jennie feels like complete shit, making her best friend feel like this for absolutely no reason.
"You should eat if you don't want it to melt," Lisa says quietly.
So Jennie starts nipping on it, the sweetness taking the harshness of her feelings away, even if it's just fleeting and superficial.
Lisa remains quiet for a few moments before she takes a deep breath and breaks the silence. "What happened?"
Jennie licks the stickiness from her lips, lowering the stick of the popsicle, having bitten off the whole thing and now regretting her choices when it makes her teeth hurt and gives her brain freeze. Her fingers are sticky and Lisa sighs at Jennie's helpless state, reaching out to grab some wet wipes from the nightstand and helping Jennie clean her hands.
"Uhm," She starts, feeling lost, because really, she hasn't told Lisa anything aside from her infatuation with a girl from the village. "I'm not sure where to start."
Lisa rolls her eyes. "The beginning, Jen. I want to know everything. I want to know why my best friend looks like she just came back from war instead of looking well rested like I wanted her to be."
Jennie sighs but finally nods her head.
And then she just tells Lisa everything, not leaving anything out.
She tells her about everyone in the village, Seokmin and Nayeon, Taehyung, she talks about Joohyun and Seulgi for a long time, and then she talks about Y/n.
She saves that for last, because she knew she couldn't make it without starting to cry.
And she was right, because halfway through, when she tells Lisa how scared Y/n was of her feelings for Jennie, she starts tearing up, her chest aching horribly because she wants to go back.
It just hurts.
Lisa pulls her into a tight hug, like she's trying to squeeze the sadness out of her with her arms.
"Lis, did I do a mistake?" Jennie asks once she's done talking what feels like hours later. She didn't tell Lisa everything she did with Y/n, not just because it hurts to talk about it, but mostly because those moments she had with Y/n were so intimate, and she wants to keep them to herself. "Should I have- stayed?"
"No," Lisa immediately says. It's the first thing she's said after Jennie started talking about Y/n, having been strangely quiet up until now. "You did the right thing, Jen."
"But why does it hurt so much?" Jennie's voice comes out so small, and she hates herself for being so weak. A tiny voice in her head scoffs at her some woman you are, crying like a little bitch, yeah, that's what you are, suck it up like a woman you sorry excuse for a-
"Hey, stop that," Lisa says, holding Jennie by her shoulders and looking at her sternly. "I don't know what you're thinking, but stop."
Jennie wipes her nose on her sleeve. "I love her," She says, so quietly it almost gets lost in the air around them. Lisa's breath falters at that, and her shoulders sag a little.
"Jennie... look, I understand this is hard for you. But this isn't the first time you-"
"I really do, . It's not-" She swallows heavily, her gaze hardening a bit. "It's not how it was with Hyuna. I never loved her. I know that now."
"How?" Lisa wants to know, her eyes painfully accusing in a way that reminds Jennie of all those nights she's spent lying awake, waiting for that woman's phone call or text that never came, with Lisa begging her to leave that toxic maze of a relationship she was stuck in. "You've barely known her longer than a month, Jennie, how can you say that?"
"Does is really matter how long I've known her?" Jennie asks, swallowing around the lump in her throat. "Hyuna... I knew her for a year. And look what happened."
Lisa's frown softens and she lowers her gaze to Jennie's bedsheets, seemingly at a loss for words. "Look, it's not my place to tell you how you're supposed to feel. If you say you feel that way about this girl, then I believe you. But I'm your best friend, and I'm not going to see you go down that rabbit hole because of another woman again. Especially if I can't be sure it'll work out. I don't want to get your hopes up just to make you feel good, okay? You spent some nice weeks with this person, Jen, and no one can take that from you. But sometimes it's just better to let go."
Jennie takes a shuddering breath, her vision blurry with hot tears. She nods her head, the part of her mind that isn't controlled by her heart blanking out her memories of Y/n, the way they kissed, the way Y/n smiled and her nose crinkled when she was amused, the way her hands rans over Jennie's body like she was something precious to her- "Yeah. Maybe you're right."
Lisa curses under her breath when she hears the pathetic crack in her voice and pulls Jennie into her arms again, cradling the back of her head protectively. "I'm sorry it has to be this way. You deserve so much better than this."
"It's fine, Lis," Jennie says and takes a calming breath. She needs to stop crying. It's not going to make the situation better and she's just uselessly worrying her best friend. "I'm just like this because it's still so fresh, you know? I'll be okay tomorrow."
Lisa gives her a skeptical look and opens her mouth to speak when the front door suddenly shuts loudly, Jennie's bedroom door opening and Roseanne walking in.
She tugs out her earbuds, gaze swiftly moving over her girlfriend and Jennie's forms, her eyes immediately growing hard when she takes in Jennie's puffy eyes and the dark skin underneath them. She lets her bag fall to the floor and asks "What happened?"
And that's all it takes for Jennie to lose it again.
Because her lower lip wobbles, and the tears spill over, and Roseanne's glare fades into concern and before Jennie knows it, the older girl has her wrapped up in her arms.
"Who do I need to kill this time?"
"Babe. Not the time," Lisa mumbles with a sigh, watching the both of them helplessly.
Roseanne shakes her head and runs her hand through Jennie's hair. "Why do I keep finding you like this, kid? Why do you keep doing this to yourself?"
And Jennie wishes she had an answer for that.
-
Jennie met Hyuna when she was working as a delivery girl in her freshman year of college.
It was a day like any other - some business women ordering thai food after a long day in the office.
Jennie looked gross that day, sweaty and tired and sticking out like a sore thumb in her bright orange uniform with that stupid hat on her head. She didn't expect anyone to even spare her a second glance in her state, let alone a rich bank clerk.
But that's exactly what happened.
Jennie walked into the meeting room where several older men and woman were sitting at the table, already having a glass of alcohol in front of them, their ties loosened up and blazers discarded.
Most of them completely ignored her and went straight for the food, but Jennie caught one of the woman's gazes and felt her stomach tingle when the woman didn't break eye contact immediately.
She was good looking. Dark eyes, sharp jawline, perfect shaped breast, black wavy long hair, expensive Rolex hugging her slim wrist. All things Jennie's poor lesbian heart was incredibly weak fore.
Jennie - flustered as she was - ended up dropping one of the boxes, spilling rice and curry over the table, which angered most of the men there (and made her lose the nice tip she would've most likely gotten otherwise) except for the one sitting on the other end of the table, who hadn't stopped looking at Jennie.
The woman smiled at her, kind and reassuring, and it made Jennie even more nervous, determined to get out of there as quickly as possible before she made even more of a fool of herself and ruined her company's image for good.
As Jennie hastily made her way out of the meeting room and towards the elevator, willing her face to stop burning, she heard someone yell "Hey, wait" behind her.
It was the woman from before, and she reached into her purse, pulling out her wallet to fish out a few bills. "Your tip," The woman said, holding the money out for Jennie.
Jennie shook her head, her heart racing as she stood in the dimly lit hallway of an office at eight in the evening with this beautiful woman. "I spilled the food, ma'am."
"Yeah, but that was my fault," The woman answered, a smile tugging on her full lips. "I made you nervous."
Jennie's breath faltered at that, anxiety suddenly sparking her nerves alive. Was she really that transparent? "What?"
"How old are you?" The woman wanted to know, eyeing Jennie up and down not so subtly.
"Eighteen."
The woman nodded and tongued the inside of her cheek for a moment, looking like she was having an inner conflict, glancing back nervously when the sound of her colleagues' laughter resonated through the hallway.
She muttered something under her breath and reached into her wallet again, handing Jennie a small business card.
Jennie took it with uncertain fingers, reading Kim Hyuna in bold letters right above the words of Senior Vice President, and it made her want to bow her head to show her respect in front of this older woman.
"Look," The woman started, her eyes so intriguing Jennie couldn't even remember her own name. "If you ever want to... talk, just give me a call."
"Huh?" Jennie gave the woman a clueless look. What was going on? What did she mean with talk?
Well, Jennie found out soon enough.
One drunk night after watching all her straight friends pick up boys at the club, Jennie felt particularly lonely, and remembered that woman all of a sudden, her business card still tucked away in Jennie's purse.
She was tipsy and it was way too late to call someone on a Thursday night, but she was lonely.
Hyuna picked up the phone, and asked where Jennie was, and when Jennie slurred out some half coherent answer, the woman came and picked her up with her shiny Mercedes. She took Jennie home and took care of her and Jennie woke up to a glass of water and a friendly post-it note the next day.
They met up again for coffee that week, and Jennie fell head over heels for the woman's charming smiles, her compliments, her burning but fleeting touches that left Jennie weak at the knees.
The woman would buy Jennie expensive things and take her to beautiful hotels, claiming she didn't want to take Jennie to her home because she couldn't afford being outed and lose her job, which made sense to Jennie at the time, so she never questioned the whole secrecy.
She was only eighteen, only now starting to accept her preference for women, and this accomplished, rich, beautiful woman was giving her more love and affection than anyone else ever had, so it wasn't a surprise that two months into their strange relationship, Jennie was convinced that Hyuna was the one for her, completely blind to the woman's strange behaviour at times.
Like how she wouldn't introduce Jennie to anyone from her life, how she wouldn't tell Jennie anything about her family, how little she cared for what was going on in Jennie's life, how she didn't like it when Jennie wanted to take pictures of them together. Jennie was oblivious to it all, because Hyuna would call her her angel, her baby girl, would touch her like Jennie meant the whole world to her at night when they were staying at a different hotel yet again.
Or maybe Jennie just didn't want to see it, even though Lisa started to grow suspicious six months into their relationship in which Jennie was the only one who'd say the words "I love you", only to be met with a smile that looked more pitying than fond.
Jennie got her reality check soon enough.
And Kim Hyuna disappeared from her life just as fast as she made her way into it.
The woman didn't pick up Jennie from her late night classes that Friday night, and Jennie got no response when she texted her, asking where she was.
She didn't think much of it at first; Hyuna was a busy woman, and it wasn't the first time she couldn't make it, but she'd usually text Jennie, telling her not to wait up for her so Jennie wouldn't worry.
Three days later, Jennie still didn't get a reply from the woman, and she wasn't answering her calls either, which is when Jennie knew something wasn't right.
- I know you don't like it when I text you but it's been five days...
- I'm sorry if I did something wrong
- Hyuna :(
- Please don't ignore me
- I'm sorry, I don't want to be clingy but please talk to me
- Just tell me if you're okay?
Two weeks later, after countless attempts of contacting the woman, Jennie's desperation grew to the point of her contemplating to visit Hyuna's office so she could see the woman and ask what was going on, why Hyuna started ignoring her out of nowhere.
So she went, and she waited for hours down in the lobby, and then Jennie saw her, and Hyuna's face fell the second she noticed Jennie sitting in the waiting room of the lobby as she stepped out of the elevator to go home. She glanced around to check if anyone was paying attention before walking over to Jennie and grabbing her arm to drag her behind a corner where no one could see them.
Always hiding.
Hiding Jennie, like she was embarrassed of her.
"What are you doing here?" She asked, sounding annoyed and accusing.
Jennie stared at the woman, anxious and hurt and angry. "You've been ignoring me for more than a week! What else was I supposed to do?"
"Jennie..." The woman sighed and closed her eyes, shaking her head. "Look, this needs to stop. It's been going on for way too long. I thought you got the hint. Stop contacting me."
Jennie started frowning. "W-What?"
"It's over," Hyuna said, looking frustrated having to explain herself. Like she was talking to a child. "I can't risk being seen with you, so don't come here again."
The woman turned to leave but Jennie grabbed her hand and pulled her back. "How can you do this out of nowhere? Hyuna we... we've been dating for over a year. Is it something I did? I'll be better, please, don't-don't leave me, I promise I'll be better for you-"
"Stop!" Hyuna interrupted her, removing Jennie's hand. "I had fun with you. You're cute, okay? But I'm thirty-two and I can't risk losing everything I love over some college kid."
The words hurt, and they made Jennie flinch, but she tried to keep it together, if only to prove the woman wrong, that she wasn't just some kid who didn't know what she wanted from life.
"Everything you love? No one even knows about me. You wouldn't lose your job-"
"It's not just my job!"
Jennie closed her mouth, eyes desperately searching the woman's face for some sort of emotion, anything else but the cold harsh glare directed at her. Then her eyes flickered to the woman's hand, and she physically felt her heart stutter before it bloomed with numbness.
There was a golden band around Hyuna's ring finger, on her left hand. A wedding ring.
Hyuna was married.
Jennie stumbled back into the wall behind her, feeling like someone slapped her across the face.
She felt so betrayed.
So stupid.
"Jennie..." Hyuna started, hands moving as if she wanted to touch Jennie but Jennie pushed her away, trying to hold back her tears. "Look, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean for this to go on for so long. You were supposed to be a one-night stand, but I just... I shouldn't have ever-"
"Did you ever love me?" Jennie asked, even though all she could think about was Hyuna's family, possibly her children, how Jennie almost became a home wrecker. She was horrible. Jennie was a horrible person.
"I love my Husbend," Hyuna quietly said. "I love my daughter. But if things were different, if we met years ago, I'm sure I would've-"
"Fuck you," Jennie interrupted her harshly. "Your Husbend and daughter deserve better than that. You're pathetic." She spared the woman one last glance before pushing past her and leaving the building.
Lisa found her like that later - after she threw every single thing out the woman gave her (except for her Macbook and iPhone and that one Gucci bag because why would she throw those away) - curled up on her mattress with her face buried in her pillows, crying to herself.
"What happened?"
"She's married," Jennie said, not wanting to talk about it, and Lisa looked crestfallen but not surprised at all. "I could've ruined a family, Lis. I'm such a piece of shit."
"No," Lisa immediately said, sitting down next to her and taking her hand. "No, don't you blame yourself for this. She's the bastard who lied to you. This is not your fault, you hear me? You couldn't have known-"
"Of course I could've," Jennie spat, her voice muffled against the pillows. "The signs were all there. I was just too stupid, too fucking desperate to see. You were trying to tell me but I wouldn't listen."
"Jennie..."
"I don't want to talk about it," Jennie whimpered. "Lis, I just want to forget it."
"Okay," Lisa said, patting the back of Jennie's head. "Okay, Jen. Do you want me to leave?"
Jennie exhaled shakily, nodding her head. "I'm sorry, I just..."
"It's okay. I love you, you know that, yeah?"
The words made Jennie tear up all over again. "I know. Love you too."