We weren't really sure how to proceed with the Aoife issue; every idea we came up with seemed to be nothing but a possibility of making it worse. The issue was that Aoife was still young, no matter how old she acted.
"Maybe we should just trust her?" Leah said softly, not wanting me to think she meant that I didn't.
"What you mean?"
"She knows this situation. Just like you know about losing parents, and I know about parents divorcing. This, unfortunately, is something she knows. So maybe she's best placed to tell us how we move forward? How we make it better."
We agreed, and Aoife's I wish they knew your story, then they'd see it's not so different to a man and woman soon turned into this night. Sat in front of a host, a huge audience, and cameras doing something I had always vowed against in an attempt to help my first born.
Life Stories: Alex Ryan-Williamson
Before we came out tonight, I asked the producers 'what do I call her?' They were equally unsure, Alex Ryan? Alex Williamson?
I do get a lot of variations. If you're asking what I would refer to myself as, it's Alex Ryan-Williamson.
Is there a reason for that?
When Leah and I spoke of getting married, the name discussion was a big one. Obviously both of us have built our image around our names. Myself as Alex Ryan, Leah as Leah Williamson. I always wanted to take her name, but I didn't want to lose that connection to my own identity either; so we settled for Ryan-Williamson.
When you say connection to your own identity, is that your parents? Ireland? Your stage name?
Mostly my parents. I don't ever want to receive an award that doesn't showcase their input. By hearing the Ryan in there, it reminds people that before I was 'the wife of Leah Williamson', I was the daughter of Peter and Aoife Ryan.
Let's talk a bit about them, we saw a complete Twitter meltdown recently when you posted a picture of your Mum at 25, fans unable to believe the resemblance between the two of you. What was it about your Mum that made her in your words 'the perfect Mum'?
I think most people, well those who are lucky, think they have the perfect Mum. I can't sit here and say that I had the best Mum in the world, because that's unfair to others who also believe that, but what I can say is that I had the perfect Mum for me. She was just always there, knowing exactly what I needed to hear at that time, even if sometimes it wasn't what I wanted to hear. She would know when I needed to be comforted and when I needed to be told that I had made a mistake. We did everything together, talked about everything, she built me up at every opportunity and made me feel invincible whilst instilling values and morals into me, something I have tried to continue with my own children.
So, that day when you get that news. She's sick. Where were you when that happened?
Mum had been feeling under the weather, she was given a GP appointment, followed by bloods. The bloods were taken at 11am on the Tuesday, and on the Wednesday afternoon she received a call from the hospital telling her that she needed to come in the following morning. I had been at a friends birthday, in a lodge on the coast of Ireland, so when I returned home my parents told me that Mum had an appointment at the hospital the next day. Of course, at the time I worried but she was my Mum, I imagined that whatever it was we would get through it and she'd be sat at my shows again in no time.
The following day, I drove the three of us to the hospital, covid rules were still in place so only my Dad was allowed in with her. I remember that song I'm Like a Bird was playing on the radio when it abruptly stopped and my Dad's name flashed up on the dash display. I think I knew, seeing his name come up. I think I knew in that moment that this wouldn't be an ordinary day.
What did he say?
Dad told me that she had cancer, a rare form of Leukaemia that would attack her body quickly. He didn't say much else, just that he would be out to me as soon as he could. I didn't really know what to do, I just kind of sat there staring out the window. I remember watching as people parked their cars and got out laughing, nurses that were joking with each other. I remember thinking, how can you laugh? My Mum's got cancer, how can you be so fine? Obviously, they could be because they had no idea who my Mum was or how I felt, they had no reason to be sad, but I felt like my world had stopped and everyone else's was carrying on.
Did your Mum come home with you that night?
No. She didn't ever come home again. My Dad eventually came out to the car a few hours later, told me that Mum had been admitted and we needed to go home and get her things together. At this point, we were talking of getting her crossword books, bringing her tablet up for her, talking of going shopping the following day to get her some new pyjamas and stuff but neither of us had any idea that Mum wouldn't be bored in hospital, because she wouldn't be there long enough for that.
She was given 3 weeks to live the following day, is that correct?
Yes, a consultant came round to see her and told her that there was no treatment for her that would work. They told her that it was terminal, they didn't specifically tell her a length of time until she asked. Dad and I were allowed in to see her, because it was end of life care she was receiving. I remember how she smiled at us as she told us, I think probably to reassure us that she wasn't scared, but I know she will have been. Who wouldn't be?
She didn't get 3 weeks though, did she?
No. Dad and I left the hospital on the 2nd night, going home to get some rest and travel back the following morning to be with her again. Just as we got through the door to the house, we got a phone call to say that we should go back, they said she'd taken a turn for the worse and they were unsure what the outcome would be. When we got back to the hospital, she was all but gone, an image I'll never get out of my head if I'm honest. We got to be with her though, talk to her as she left us, that's probably the part that makes me happy, well happier, about the situation.
Did you get to say everything you wanted to?
At the time, yeah. Yeah I did.
At the time? Can you elaborate?
Obviously, at the time I said everything I wanted her to know. If I could back, knowing what I know now, I'd say different.
What would you add?
I'd tell her not to worry about me. I'd tell her that I was going to meet Leah, that I'd have children and I'd tell them about her. I'd tell her that - that Dad was going to wait until he knew I was safe, and then he would join her.
I imagine the hardest part was probably trying to console your Dad when you were grieving too?
To be honest, I didn't have to. My Dad was so strong throughout it all, he would cry of course, but he would be able to turn his tears off when he saw me walk into a room or when he knew I needed to take some of his strength for myself. I think we probably did that more than we realised, my strongest days I was his strength, and his strongest days he was mine. I was always close with my Dad, we were always best friends, but losing Mum just made us ever closer, both determined to carry on living for her, to respect her wishes.
So you carry on with the music, small gigs? Big gigs?
Small gigs, the types of gigs that people attended because they liked the bar rather than knowing who I was. Those gigs were the ones that started off my career though, so even if at the time I was disheartened by them, looking back they've been the best part of my journey as an artist.
At that time, a competition was going on. Did you watch?
Did anyone not watch the Euros?
Did you cheer for England?
*Laughs* I didn't cheer for them, no. I did appreciate their success though. I think that's something that everyone should do, rather than wish ill on a certain team or person, just be glad that it's a person, or group of people, that are doing well for themselves.
So... You do a gig in Spain at the end of the summer, how was that?
A shambles. There was me, my friends, a few people that had bought the €5 tickets and a lot of empty space.
You're heading home, presumably deflated, and you get seated beside someone you recognised on the plane. What happens then?
Well, I had actually just been quite rude with the airport staff about some lost luggage and then stomped my way out to the plane. I sat down, hoping the seat next to me would be empty, but I suddenly felt a presence beside me. When I looked up, I saw someone I knew then as the England captain standing above me, shuffling her way to her seat.
Love at first sight?
Ha. She was easy on the eye, I'll say that.
Did you talk immediately?
A few words, just general chat about our trips and then I fell asleep if I'm honest.
I'm looking at Leah laughing there in the audience, did her conversation bore you?
*Laughs* No! I didn't mean that! God she'll kill me. I think I actually said something about how awful my trip had been and the conversation died. When I woke up, she was reading one of those in flight magazines and I told her not to buy anything from it.
And that restarted the conversation?
Yes, when Leah had first sat down she had this scruffy looking teddy that she placed on her lap for the flight. I laughed as I saw it, so she told me she was going to buy me one because I'd found it so amusing. Then she asked why my trip had been awful, so I told her.
What did she say?
That my passion was the thing that made me think it could've gone better. I always say she gave me a reality check that day.
And that's where the famous line from the Brits speech came from?
Yes. 'When you're doing something you love, you always feel that it could've gone better.'
You go your separate ways, and then you meet again in Belfast. Planned?
Not on my part, definitely on hers though.
I don't think you were meant to say that, Alex, I see Leah in the audience with her head in her hands.
*Laughs* Hey, honesty is the best policy, right Le?
You two get into a relationship just as your career starts to take off, talk me through that.
We spent as much time as we could together, obviously with the WSL games becoming bigger and my gigs becoming further away, it put some pressure on us. We would meet up on days we were both free, or go to see each other perform.
Fans loved it, is that a fair thing to say?
Yeah. The fans were all over it, some wanting us to split so they could have their shot with Leah of course, but mostly they loved it.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, media reports come flying in that the two of you have split. Talk me through that.
There's not much to say, as I said before the distance was difficult and we had a hard time making it work with our conflicting schedules so we made the decision to split.
Sources claimed that you split during a holiday, the two of you flying home separately. Is that true?
Yes. We decided that it would be best and unfortunately that conversation took place during a holiday together. Obviously we were both upset and needed time to heal, so we flew home separately. We continued to be amicable though, without suffocating one another. She would text when I had a new number one, I would text when she hit a new milestone with her football, that kind of thing.
So fast forward to the Brits, you win Album of the Year and mention Leah in your speech, planned?
Not at all. I didn't expect to win any awards, let alone that one. When my name was called out and I was making that walk to the stage, I couldn't help but think of Leah and all she had done to ensure I followed my dreams. So when I was making my speech, I said it because that's what I was thinking so I thought why not?
Many assumed that that speech would be the thing to reconnect you two, did you speak after it?
Yes, we spoke. There was still a lot of hurt and upset there after the break up so it wasn't the right time to rekindle things between us. We did speak though, she told me she was proud of me and I told her that I wouldn't have gotten to that point without her; both of which were true.
The Event Awards in Belfast happen, and you step onto the red carpet with different woman by your side, Grace Murphy. What does that name mean to you now? What does it mean to Leah?
Grace will always be a part of my life that I won't regret, and Leah knows that. I'm a firm believer in things happening for a reason, and I believe that Grace and I both needed each other to see clearly what we wanted in the future. A lot of people think that Leah and I hold some kind of grudge towards Grace, but we don't. We actually bumped into her at the Women's Awards last year and the four of us, the fourth being Grace's wife, sat and had a drink together. Grace and I shared some incredible memories together, but it was during a holiday to Tokyo when she told me she loved me and I didn't say it back that she told me I needed closure from Leah before I could open my heart to someone else.
Closure - or an opening?
Probably an opening, on reflection. Yes. I think she probably knew that it was an opening. Grace was selfless like that, she cared enough to accept that maybe I wasn't her person, and that selflessness allowed the two of us to find our person.
So, how did you go about getting that closure from Leah?
I contacted her. Told her I needed closure. A few days later she came to see me, unexpectedly, and we went for some dinner together. Leah wasn't ready at that point to give me what I needed in person, so she wrote to me a few days later.
What did the letter say?
It explained things; why things had happened, why we had ended, what was going on in her head. She let me go, told me that maybe two people's person doesn't always align. She sent her teddy to comfort me, telling me that she never did buy me one.
That letter, how did it make you feel?
It opened my eyes to the reasoning for our split, it was probably the most difficult thing I had ever read because it showed me that a lot of things could've been prevented.
Did you still love Leah?
Yes. I don't feel good saying that, I don't feel good that I allowed myself to be with Grace when I was still in love with Leah, but I think I had tried to put that out of my head.
Did you tell Grace about the letter?
Yes, right away.
What was her reaction?
As I said, Grace was selfless. She knew that I wouldn't break her heart, she knew that I wouldn't be the person to walk out on her. So she left me, she told me to go get Leah, that she knew Leah was my person.
So you wrote Leah a letter? Two letters?
Yes. I wrote two letters, one completely squashing the idea of a reconciliation and one opening that door again. I think I always knew that Leah would receive the letter she did, it was just the initial fear of sending it that caused the delay.
You spoke of your Dad's influence on the letter, what was that?
He told me to imagine that I would see my Mum one last time, asked me to think of who I would want to be by my side, he told me that person was my person.
Your Dad and Leah got on well, is that right?
Yes. My Dad worshipped Leah, to be honest when Leah was around I may as well have been in Australia because he focused solely on her. He was proud of her, privileged to call her his daughter-in-law, and grateful for the love she gave me.
You send the letter. What happens next?
Well I tracked it, like a weirdo, so I woke up and saw that Leah had received it at 8:51am. I couldn't stop thinking about it, so I called Lydia and Gavin and we headed to the arcade with some of the backstage crew members. Lydia and I were in competitive battle on the 2p machine and suddenly I could feel someone behind me putting a 2p into the machine, I knew straight away it was Leah.
What happens next?
We went back to the place we had our first date, a place where we had almost kissed but were stopped by a waitress collecting our glasses. I recreated that moment and ended it with the kiss, and that restarted our relationship.
We actually contacted Grace Murphy for the show tonight, how would you feel if we read out what she told us?
Go for it.
"Alex and I shared some unforgettable memories together, times that allowed us to grow into the people we are today. I will forever be grateful for those memories and for the path that we set each other on to forever happiness.
I think to say that anyone could look at Alex and Leah together and think anything other than they are perfect together, you would have to have extremely poor judgement. Leah is an incredible person that has done incredible work for women and young girls around the country, and now continues to work hard for mental health and people's right to be who they want, and wear what they want.
In an interview, I stupidly announced that Alex had written two letters for Leah, something I regretted instantly. What I was trying to convey in that interview was the fairytale of the love story between the two, the story of two people that were destined to be together, and I would like to take the opportunity in this statement to apologise for disclosing that to the world, even if it wasn't done with malicious intent.
I wish Alex, Leah, and all of their children the best for the future and I hope that they continue to be the inspiration for love for a very long time to come."
How does that make you feel?
Obviously it's nice to hear those words, but I'm not surprised. As I said, there is no bad blood between us and Grace has always been very supportive of myself and Leah.
So... You're now living with Leah and she goes to the Olympics, how was that?
Incredible. I don't think anything prepares you for that feeling of watching the person you love do so well in something they love. It was just the most incredible experience and one that I cannot and will not ever forget.
You two decide to holiday again. Talk me through that decision?
I actually can't talk you through that decision because I didn't make it. Leah organised it as a surprise for me, wanting to recreate the first holiday we had there but change the ending.
And she certainly did change the ending, with a ring I believe?
Yes. Our last night there saw Leah get down on one knee as we walked along the beach. It was perfect.
You didn't have a lavish wedding, opting for a small, intimate style, was there a reason for that?
We didn't feel the need to. Leah and I have always kept our circle small, we have selected people who know everything about us and those were the people that we wanted present. The whole guest list thing wasn't something we wished to do.
Would you say that you and Leah dislike fame?
No. I think, as is with everything, Leah and I dislike parts of it. There's the part that enables you to raise proper issues, to try and use your voice to better the world, and experience things that you could never have imagined you would.
And the negative?
The negative for me used to be the stories written about me; the false ones. It used to be the swarms of people that surrounded me when I tried to leave hospital when my Dad died. As you learn to deal with it, even if you shouldn't have to, it gets easier.
No negatives now?
Still negatives, but I think Leah would agree that the negatives for us now surround our children. They surround the scrutiny that they are placed under.
Everything seems to be you and Leah together, is that genuinely how life is?
Yeah. We always promised that if we made every decision together, then no decision would ever break us.
I'm looking at Leah smiling in the audience, her eyes haven't moved from you all night, how does that make you feel?
Better than I would feel if her eyes were on someone else, I suppose. Nah, I'm joking. There isn't really a better feeling in the world.
Be honest, have the two of you come close to ending?
Yes, absolutely. Better than that - we have ended. I'm not ashamed to admit that we have struggled, that sometimes that fairytale felt like it might have a bad ending.
What brings you back together every time?
*Laughs* I really want to say love right now.
But?
But usually there's been some kind of family emergency, disaster, or I've had a breakdown on stage.
Is Leah your comfort?
Yeah. She knows that, look at her smiling.
Do comforts change?
How do you mean?
Bluntly?
Yeah
Have either of you ever found comfort in the arms of another?
No. Our marriage has always been faithful.
I want to take you back to the moment you and Leah decide to start having children, can you remember that moment?
Yes. It was during our wedding actually.
Who's idea was it?
It had been hinted at a few times by both of us, but in the end I said it outright.
Was Leah onboard right away?
Yes, completely.
How many did you want?
Pre Leah?
Yes?
One.
You may have miscounted.
*Laughs* Just slightly.
We will move on to speak more about your children soon. We are going to head to the viewers now for questions. Sound good?
Shoot.
Rochelle would like to know who inspired you growing up, and why?
Obviously my parents, and my three closest friends. Famous faces though - eh - probably Aretha Franklin? She has the most incredible life story.
Patrick would like to know if it's true that you have stage fright?
Massive. I can often be found crying before shows, or pacing the floors.
Mia would like to know if it was hard for you to come out?
Hard? Hmm. *Sucks teeth*
I wouldn't say hard in comparison to some people. I had a supportive family, supportive friends, and that made it feel like nothing had changed. I suppose, the thing I would say was hard was the idea that I was missing out on 'proper' love. Or the 'is she still in that phase' comments. I think that's the issue.
People experiment with their sexuality because it's their right to do so. Some discover they are definitely straight, some discover they are definitely gay, some discover they are something else. That's fine. There's this idea though, especially back home, of 'everyone goes through it.' Like it's a trend. Like if you continue to love the same gender then you have 'never grown out of it' despite the growth you have done to come to terms with that fact.
Lastly, Ben would like to know if you played any sports?
No, I wish I had. I wasn't very good at them though. I could never remember what end I was meant to be scoring in.
So, we'll leave it there. Join us after the break as we discuss Alex's journey to parenthood, including a story never told before that Alex has bravely decided to tell tonight. Thank you.
— — — —
"Al!" Leah whispered from the side of the set.
"You okay?" I whispered as I made my way over to her.
"Yeah."
I searched for a crew member, finding one after a few seconds.
"Since we aren't live, can we pop into the dressing room please?"
"Sure. We could give you about five minutes?" He smiled.
"That's fine." Leah smiled, making her way to the room.
The second we closed the dressing room door, Leah pulled me into her arms, exhaling loudly.
"What's wrong? Did I say something?" I panicked.
"No, Al. You've said everything perfectly." She whispered.
"What's wrong then?"
"You didn't mention Harriet." She choked back tears.
"No."
"Because it still hurts you?"
"No, silly. I just didn't feel the need to out you like that. You got hurt then too, Le. They wouldn't see it like I do, they'd just see the negative."
"It was negative." Leah sighed.
"It was part of our journey, Le. A tiny little part that only we know about."
"Al?"
"Yeah?"
"When this one is born, you aren't going to move out again. Are you?" She asked vulnerably.
"No, Le. No. We should talk about -"
"10 seconds!" The crew shouted.
"Go! I'll be out in a second." Leah smiled, placing a kiss to my hands.
"I love you."
"I love you."