Taylor's Point of View
Matty stood in front of the window while Chris and Dec paced by the fireplace. I returned to my spot on the bed continuing to ask them what was wrong but no one answered me. I was completely lost as to why they were freaking out. They didn't act like this when they found out about my scars but because I stayed at a hotel on the other end of town, I was going to get the silent treatment. How was that logical?
Declan and Chris mumbled to themselves while they paced but I couldn't make out what they were trying to say. Matty however stood so still he could have been mistaken for part of the wall. His hands were tightly held behind his back. Occasionally he would cock his head to each side before rolling his shoulders back and staring out at the city lights.
I stood from the bed waiting for any of them to notice I had even moved. When it was clear they weren't going to break their concentration I pulled the robe closer to my body and walked to the balcony doors. I called over my shoulder that they could go do their weird possessive thing in their own rooms and get out of mine. Chris tried to call out to me but I didn't care enough to stop.
I stretched my arms out to my sides and let the cool air blow across my face. It was a little colder than I was expecting but I welcomed it. Now that the guys knew about Greg I was afraid of what was going to happen to all of us. I was afraid to learn what the guys knew about the letters I got at the hotel. However, the one thing I was the most afraid of was seeing Matty angry again.
I never thought he would ever be mad at me but then he punched the wall right next to me, then he yelled at me, and now he wasn't even talking to me. My head was spinning and my heart was racing. I tried to pull air into my lungs but they wouldn't fill up like I needed them to. I looked out at the world below me but I couldn't see enough in the dark to ground myself. I leaned over the railing a little bit to try and scare myself. Sometimes it worked like jump-starting my system. I pushed myself up onto my tiptoes but the second my left foot started to leave the cool cement I was pulled back into a hard chest.
It wasn't enough. I could feel the tears on my cheeks now but I still couldn't pull in a full breath. I wrapped my fingers into my hands, pressing my nails into the palms. Big arms held me tight around my shoulders as he made calming noises into my hair. I started counting, I didn't have an end goal other than the biggest number I knew. It was weird that counting actually helped ease the panic attack since that's all Greg would make me do but it always took my mind off the attack.
The murmurs being whispered were slowly starting to make their way into my head. It was then that I realized I was laying against Matty's chest on the floor. I glanced around, Chris was standing in the doorway while Declan was crouched down next to me.
"Breathe baby, you got this. You're so strong, beautiful girl. I'm right here for you. We've done this before and we will get through it again." Matty whispered into my ear while rubbing his thumbs up and down my arms.
Declan was rubbing small circles onto my legs. I looked up at him but my eyes couldn't focus on him, it was like all I could do was look through him. He did a once-over of my body, his eyes stopped on my hands. Without a second thought, he slowly forced his fingers into my hands and pried them open. He pulled my palms up to his lips and kissed the fresh red crescent marks.
A sob was forced through my lungs; it was how I always knew it was over. I turned my head to look up at Matty and whispered, "I'm sorry."
"Shh sweet girl. There is nothing for you to be sorry about." His voice was so smooth and soft, "What were you doing leaning over the edge?"
I could tell he was trying to make light of the situation so I didn't spiral. He was right, we had done this before. The first time he helped me through a panic attack was the night after I had found mama.
I was sleeping in Madison's bed with her but I sat straight up and clutched my chest. I didn't know why I couldn't breathe. I got up and started walking towards Loretta and Louis' room for help and passed Matty's on my way. He opened the door just as I passed it and put his hand on my shoulder. I turned to him, taking shaky breaths through my mouth.
"TayTay, what's wrong? What do you need?" Matty never panicked but I could tell he didn't know what to do in this situation.
I tried to tell him what was wrong but the second I tried to use my air for anything other than breathing I felt like I was going to pass out. My knees wobbled for a second before Matty pulled me into his room and closed the door. He sat me down on the edge of his bed and kneeled in front of me rubbing my arms. At the time I thought he was just trying to calm me down but looking back now I knew he was also trying to keep himself calm for my sake.
"It's okay TayTay, just breathe. We will get through this together." He whispered, waiting for me to snap out of it.
The second time was when I had just found out I had got accepted to college. I was so happy that I ran over to Madison's house and didn't even bother knocking on the front door. I had been over at her house so often over the years that it wasn't a real shock anymore for me to just walk in. I went straight to her room but didn't see her anywhere.
"No one else is here." Matty's voice made me jump nearly out of my skin.
"Damn," I dropped my head to the envelope, "Do you know when she'll be back?"
"No," his eyes followed mine, "but is that what I think it is?"
"Yeah." I shrugged my shoulders thinking he didn't truly care, "I got in and just wanted to celebrate with her before I had to tell..." My words trailed off as my mind realized I would have to tell Greg that I was leaving.
My heart started to race and I could literally feel the color drain from my face. My stomach was turning into a giant knot and I couldn't breathe. I looked up at Matty for help, thankfully I didn't find an ounce of panic on his face.
"It's okay TayTay, I'm prepared this time." he grabbed my hands, "Breathe through your nose. Find something that you can smell. Look around and find something blue."
I did everything he asked of me and slowly my breathing came back to normal, "How did you know?"
A sly grin played at the corner of his mouth, "Last time you had one I did some research. I didn't want you to have to go through it while I just sat and waited so I figured out what I could do to help you."
I blinked at him, surprised that he would even go through the trouble, "Thanks, Matty."
"TayTay? Come back to me girl." Matty's voice intercepted my memories, "There she is. You can't just jump onto memory lane after a panic attack. I for real thought you were checking out on us baby."
"Can you tell us what caused this one, baby girl?" Declan asked.
"I was thinking about this past week and how mad Matty has been at me." I confessed while trying to stand up.
Once we were all on our feet Chris pulled me to him and kissed my forehead.
"Do you really think I'm mad at you TayTay?" Matty stood on the other side of the small balcony now.
"Well yeah, you punched a wall, yelled at me, and then ignored me for no reason. What am I supposed to think?"
"I'm not mad at you baby. I'm frustrated and took it out on the wrong person. I didn't mean to direct any of this toward you and I'm really sorry. I just hate that I wasn't able to protect you growing up and now I wasn't able to protect you again. You told us you left because you thought we wouldn't love you anymore. The thing is Taylor I haven't stopped loving you. You're the only person I have ever been in love with and finding out about this doesn't make me stop. It makes me want to go out and kill everyone who has ever hurt you in any way. Even if that someone is me. I love you too fucking much to walk away from you because of something that was completely out of your control."
I stood there, shocked by Matty's words. He said he would kill for me but I would never want him to do that. I wouldn't want any of them to taint their souls with that kind of violence. It was one thing to punch someone to get them to stop hurting me like Chris did with Ronan, but to kill someone was something completely different. Sure my guys were protective of me but they were still good and I didn't want that to change.
Chris pulled my shoulder into his chest more, "Come on principessa, let's get you to bed."
Giving a small nod he directed me back into the room. I climbed onto the bed while Matty put the chair he was sitting in back by the fireplace. Declan leaned down to kiss me and it felt like a goodbye kiss. I felt like a child being tucked in for the night.
"Stay with me." It wasn't a question.
They all froze and looked at me before Declan smiled at me, "I think it's someone else's turn, baby girl. I can't take all of your nights."
"No," I whispered even though it sounded more like I was whining, "I want all of you to stay with me."
"You know I can't say no to you amore mio." Chris said, stripping down to his boxers and climbing in bed next to me.
Declan followed suit without a word. I looked up at Matty and he looked exhausted and torn.
"Ho bisogno di te, Matty. (I need you, Matty)" my words came out breathy.
He dragged a hand down his face, "I know we said no more questions tonight but I have to ask one more." I nodded and waited for him to continue, "Do you still have the letters you got in the hotel?"
I got up and went to my closet to get them out of my purse. I walked back out to them reading the first one. Matty was breathing hard when I handed it to him.
"Now that I know that one isn't true and you really were looking for me, I'm going to assume that these two aren't true either."
"Read them to us anyway, bellissima." Chris tried to smile to hide his anger but it didn't work.
I pulled out the second letter, " When I got this one there were also blue and black rose petals in the envelope."
Declan chuckled, "Those colors tend to mean big changes are coming as well as a symbol of mystery." He shook his head before gesturing for me to read the note.
How he knew that would be a question for a later day. I cleared my throat;
Ms. Carter
I love knowing that you are comfortable here. From what I can tell your boyfriends have gotten comfortable without you around. I would never be able to sleep if I didn't know where you were.
Sweet Dreams Sweetheart
RO
Chris looked pleased, "Well you were right about that one Tot. That's not even close to the truth. None of us slept without you here."
"Yeah, that one didn't make sense to me since I hardly slept. But I don't know how anyone would know that. I kept the curtains closed all day and night and never left my room. The only time I opened my door was to receive my room service. I didn't go down to the lobby, pool, or spa, not even to the ice machine down the hall. But when I got this one it wasn't slid under my door like the other two. It was part of the reason why I left when I did."
Matty folded his arms and took a couple of steps toward me, "How did you get the last one?"
"It was on the cart when my breakfast was brought in. But it was on a plate under one of the cloches. And it was the only one that had my name written on the envelope." I handed Matty the empty envelope while I read the note to them.
Mo ghrá rúnda (My secret love),
Seeing you in just a towel does something to me I never thought a woman could. I can't wait to be the one unwrapping you. You will be the greatest gift I ever receive.
Until Tonight Sweetheart
RO
Matty took the paper from me, rereading what I had just read aloud as if he didn't believe the words. He slid all the papers into his pocket and pulled me into a tight hug. I looked up at him with my hands around his waist. He dropped his lips to mine and demanded dominance. I let him have it, I didn't have the energy to fight him for it. I opened my lips wanting him to take more. He dipped his tongue into my mouth just long enough for me to get a taste of him. His teeth grazed my bottom lip as he pulled away from me.
He reached down and scooped me up into his arms bridal style and walked me to the bed. He laid me down in the middle and covered me with the comforter. I thought for sure he was about to climb in next to me but he leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on my forehead before he turned to the other guys.
His voice dropped into a tone I had only heard twice before. It was deep and commanding, "Take care of our girl."
They both nodded and I sat up to look at Matty, "Dove stai andando? (Where are you going?)"
He didn't even look at me. Instead, he looked at the floor before muttering, "Per proteggerti come dovrebbe fare un capo. (To protect you like a boss should.)"