Leah and I found a routine that worked for us. I would stay with her every night except Sunday and Thursday, giving us both space on those nights to maintain the rebuilding we were attempting. Of course, most of the time we would end up breaking the rules, one of us calling the other in hope of a should we just stay together this one night, next Sunday we'll stay separately. It was a big jump, going from months apart to living together again, and neither of us wanted to risk messing anything up again. After a few weeks, Leah arrived home from a meeting one night in a terrible state; her eyes were bloodshot, and her legs were unable to stop pacing around the living room.
"What is it, Le? What's happened?" I asked as I stood to take her into my arms.
"They just do this; sign us up for shit. They didn't ask, didn't say, oh by the way, does this suit you? No, they just decide for us. Who do they think they are?"
"Who? What's happened?"
"Arsenal. They've decided we're going to a six-week training camp—in fucking Dubai."
"What? When?" My heart dropped.
"Monday, Sophie. Monday." She sobbed.
"Oh." You weren't meant to say that out loud, Sophie.
"I'm so sorry. I tried to get out of it; I told them that I couldn't go. They said it's not a valid reason, though, and that I need to be realistic. Realistic—what does that even mean?"
"What's not a valid reason?"
"Apparently, missing you isn't a valid reason to not go to Dubai. How can they decide that? How can they say that my reason isn't valid? It's my fucking reason."
"Le, stop." I chuckled.
"Stop what? Why're you laughing at me?" She screwed her face up, trying to loosen her grip.
"I'm not laughing at you, Le. I promise. You're just really cute."
"Yeah, and really absent. Always absent. If it isn't the Euros, it's the World Cup; it's a runway show; it's a photoshoot; it's a training camp; it's a Champions League match." Her voice broke.
"You're here now." I whispered.
"Yeah, until Monday. Then I'm gone for six weeks, and then the WSL is back. Then I have the England matches. I just - I - ugh - I just want to fucking love you!"
"I know you love me, Le. I also knew what your career was when I gave you my heart to love. Distance was never our issue; why are you worried about it now?"
"What if you forget me? What do I do then?"
"Forget you? How could I forget you? You can't seriously think I could forget you in six weeks?"
"Of course I don't think that. I don't mean in six weeks; I mean through time. I mean, when I'm not around. What if, slowly, you start to think, you know, I'm okay with her not being around? Because that's what I'm asking you to do—I'm asking you to be okay when I'm not around—but I'm also terrified of you being okay when I'm not around. This doesn't even make sense. I don't make sense. How do I make it make sense?"
"Stop. Just stop everything. Okay? Stop talking, stop thinking, and stop. Hold onto me, okay?"
Leah exhaled deeply and nodded, tightening her grip around my back.
"In - and out. In - and out. In - and out." I repeated, rubbing circles on her back.
"I'm scared." She whispered.
"I'm not." I whispered back.
My response seemed to settle Leah, her grip not loosening as we stood in silence, holding one another. Her hand found my hair and brushed it back from my face, her eyes gazing deeply into mine.
"Don't forget me, Soph, 'cos I can't forget you."
"Okay, Romeo. I won't."
"Kick a woman while she's down, why don't you?" She chuckled.
"Always." I whispered as I reached up to peck her lips.
— — — —
Before we knew it, we had spent our last night together before Leah left for Dubai. I left that Sunday afternoon, and Leah's flight to Dubai was at 3.45 a.m. Monday morning, meaning it was silly for us to stay together when I had work at 8:30 a.m. She promised to try to get some sleep after a lot of persuasion, and I promised to make sure I was free to call her when she landed in Dubai. We had it all worked out: the time difference, her training schedule against my court schedule, and the day she got back. That didn't stop the empty feeling that I felt as I lay in bed that Sunday evening—the feeling of knowing that I wouldn't feel her in my arms for 42 more nights. As I opened and closed my eyes, attempting to force myself to sleep, my phone vibrated on the bedside table.
Leah
I can't sleep.
I giggled at her message; it somehow reminded me of a little child who was huffing about their parents making them do something they didn't want to do.
Sophie
Have you even tried?
Leah
Yes, obviously😒
Sophie
That sounds like a no to me. What have you been doing?
Leah
I'm just staring at the ceiling and hoping you'll magically appear beside me
Sophie
I was just thinking the same thing.
Before she had the chance to reply, I was up and out of bed. I pulled on my trainers, making my way to the front door and pulling my coat on. What am I doing? Why am I in my own house? What kind of stupid idea was it to spend our last few hours, for 42 days, apart? I jumped into my car, making the 15-minute trip to Leah's, and gently knocked on the door. No answer. I tried again, a little louder this time. No answer. Where's my phone? I ran back to the car, hoking around for my phone, swearing to myself as I wondered if I had even remembered to bring it. I knew it wasn't fair; if Leah had managed to get some sleep, then I shouldn't be calling her to wake her up, but I couldn't stand the thought of her cuddling into a pillow and pretending it was me. Sighing loudly, I finally gave up on the search for my phone and decided to have one last try at the door. As I made my way towards it, I realised that Leah's car wasn't in the driveway. My heart sank. She said she was in bed; how can she be in bed if her car isn't here? Why would she lie to me? And more to the point, where is she?
I could feel the tears burning at the backs of my eyes, pulling my coat more tightly around me and sitting on the step to gather my thoughts before I drove home. That's when I saw it. The headlights. Leah's car pulled into the driveway, barely stopping before she jumped out of the driver's seat. The first thing I noticed was that those bloodshot eyes were back again; it was obvious that she had been crying, well, sobbing, in the car.
"You're here! I thought I'd missed you. I thought you were asleep. I thought I was too late."
"I left my phone at home; I just rushed here because I didn't want to waste any time." My own eyes were now filled with tears.
"I had to hold you; I just had to."
"Me too, Le. Me too." I smiled as my tears made their way to my cheeks.
"Let's go to bed, Soph."
— — — —
The hardest day of Leah's absence came just one week after she left. It had been a normal Monday—a difficult one, but mundane nonetheless. That was before Jason Cullen arrived. Jason Cullen wasn't a name I had heard before, but it became apparent why I had been the one to be assigned his case—no one else wanted to work with him. From the second he entered the room, I felt unsafe. His demeanour was angry, obnoxious, and guilty. He was proud of his attack on a local resident; he felt he had reason to raid the local pub; and he felt I would be forced into representing him despite the fact his case was very clearly nonexistent.
"I can't work with anything you're giving me here, Mr. Cullen. You have been caught on CCTV carrying out the raid; you have since sent messages bragging about the raid; and you're continuing to brag even now that you face prison. I'm confused as to what it is you expect from me?"
He didn't say anything; he simply stared at me. Was he suddenly realising this?
"Mr Cullen?"
Nothing. Just a narrowing of his eyes.
"Look, Mr. Cullen, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. You appear to be trying to intimidate me."
He stood up.
"I genuinely hope you find whatever it is you're hoping for."
I moved to open the office door as he took steps towards the exit.
"Bitch."
Stay calm, Sophie. Don't rise to it.
"I said - bitch."
He spat towards me, eyes locked on mine.
I made a dart for my desk, hoping to press the panic button and call security in, knowing I had just a few seconds before this could take a turn for the worst. Shouting would only anger him more. Before I could reach the button, my shoulder was pulled backward, spinning me in the direction of Mr. Cullen, his fist making contact with my face.
"Sophie? Can you hear me, darling? Is she ok?"
I recognise that voice.
"Hi Sophie, my name is Dan, and I'm a paramedic. You've had a bit of a bump to the face; can you see me okay?"
I began to pry my eyes open.
"I can now. God, that hurts." I chuckled.
"Sophie!" Amanda's arms wrapped around me.
"Amanda, what're you doing here?"
"They called me; they want to worry Leah."
"Good choice, guys." I chuckled again.
"I'm sorry, Sophie. I knew he was a dick, but I didn't expect this." Jasmine chimed in.
"It's fine, just a bump. Is it bad?"
"Ah, a little bit of blood; don't panic." The paramedic said sweetly.
"Once they get you cleaned up, I'll take you back with me." Amanda smiled, gently rubbing my shoulder.
We didn't get to go straight home, instead, the paramedics asked me to attend A&E to get a scan, I didn't protest, as I knew they had to be careful for any internal damage. As promised, Amanda didn't leave my side the entire time; she found a shop that was open and returned with almost every chocolate bar the shop had, wanting to make sure I had everything I could've wanted. I just wanted Leah, though.
"It shouldn't be too long now." She smiled.
"What time is it?"
"Ten to five."
"God, Leah. I'll have to text her. She normally calls me at this time." I sighed, knowing I didn't want to have this conversation with Leah surrounded by strangers.
Sophie
Hey Le, can we reschedule the call tonight? I've had a bit of a nightmare at work today. Don't panic; I'm okay. I'm at A&E but going home soon x
Leah
What? Why are you in the hospital? Please call me x
I thought about it for a minute, remembering how she felt so pushed away last time when I didn't tell her about the folic acid tablets. I turned to Amanda and flashed my phone at her; she immediately knew that I was trying to say I'm going to call Leah. She nodded in approval, taking out her own phone to occupy herself in my absence. I wandered outside, finding a bench just in front of the hospital doors and pressing the call button.
"Sophie. What's going on? What's happened? Which hospital are you at? I'm trying to get a flight." Leah was frantic.
"Le, there is no need for you to get a flight. I have a few bruises on my face and a rather large lip." I chuckled.
"Did you fall? Did you pass out? I really think I should come home, Sophie. What if it happens again?"
"It won't happen again. A client lost his temper, gave me a wallop around the face. I'm good, babe; your mum is actually with me at the hospital. I miss you."
"Why would someone do something like that? Why would someone purposely hurt you? I can't believe my mum didn't text me; she could've given me the heads up." She giggled.
"Excuse me?"
"Huh?"
"I said... I miss you."
"I miss you more, Soph. What have they said?"
"It's just a precautionary scan; there's no need to panic."
After another hour, we were able to leave, and the doctors were satisfied that there were no other injuries other than surface bruising and a busted lip. Amanda brought me to her house, insisting I had some food before she left me on my own. It was kind of her, and right now, she was the only family I had in London. Once she was satisfied that I was okay to be left alone, she offered to drive me home; my car had been left at work, and neither I nor Amanda felt it was a good idea for me to drive right now. I put her off for a few minutes, wanting to check something with Leah before I set off home.
Sophie
Le, can I stay at yours tonight?
Leah
You don't need to ask, are you afraid?
Sophie
No, I just want to sleep in our bed🥺
Leah
I wish I was beside you. I'm sorry I'm not there.
I didn't respond to Leah, not because I was angry or upset, but because I knew she was beating herself up about her absence, and I wanted to reassure her over the phone rather than in a short text message. The second Amanda dropped me off at Leah's, I ran upstairs and got into the bed as quickly as I could, still able to smell Leah's perfume on the pillowcase. I sent her a text to let her know I could FaceTime whenever, chuckling to myself as my phone rang almost immediately.
"Oh, Soph, it looks so painful. How're you feeling?" Leah was visibly shocked by the bruising.
"It looks worse than it is - they said it would bruise more before it got better, but it's just because it's around my face." I smiled, knowing she needed reassurance.
"You still look beautiful, though. Look, Soph, I really want to come home to you. I know you're going to say it's nothing, but I should be there for this kind of thing. I should be there with you right now."
"Le, I always want you here with me. I don't want you to think that I don't, or that I don't need you, or that I'm pushing you away. This will happen, though, sometimes you'll be sick when I'm not around, and I'll be sick—well, injured—when you aren't around. When I told you I was at the hospital today, you texted me back within a second; when I called, you picked up right away; and tonight, you were sitting ready to FaceTime the second I said I could. That's all I need; knowing you're there is enough for me."'
"I really will come home. I'm scared you think I'm saying that because I know you'll say no."
"Turn your camera around."
"Huh?"
"Let me see that suitcase that I know you've already packed." I chuckled.
Of course, Leah's suitcase was packed and ready to go.
"How did you know?" She chuckled back.
"I knew you'd be packing from the minute I said I was in the hospital." I giggled again.
"I miss you, Soph."
"I miss you. 35 more sleeps."
"35 more sleeps. Speaking of sleep, you need to try and rest."
"Are you going out tonight?" I asked quietly.
"No, why? What do you need?"
"You to stay on the phone until I fall asleep, please."
"I was just about to suggest that, Soph." Leah smiled.
I made myself comfortable, tossing and turning a few times to find a way to settle that didn't put pressure on the bruising. Once I was content, I lifted the phone once more to look at Leah, who was smiling back at me, slightly embarrassed that I had caught her.
"I love you."
"I love you, Soph. Night night."
Without a second thought, my eyes fluttered shut, and the pain seemed to fade away as I lay down to sleep beside (kinda) Leah.