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The previous chapter,
"Best friends and THAT really is all"
Was a FAKE ending, for those of you who don't understand why YN can't tell anyone, who don't understand the plot, a look into what would possibly happen if she was to tell.
And for those who keep telling me how to write, and keep telling me she needs to tell Eddie etc.
-- As it was a FAKE chapter, those things DIDN'T REALLY HAPPEN.
Eddie is ALIVE, he DOES NOT know about Billy's blackmailing. And YN HASN'T asked Eddie to make things official, their NOT bf gf. --
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⚠️ Depression, Anxiety, Thoughts of abusing drugs to cope, Illusions to previous SA.
4800 words<3
// 8th January, 2 weeks since christmas, since IT happened.
It feels like the walls are closing in on me again but faster, faster than the first time it started happening with him.
'I guess we'll just have to wait for next time...'
'I guess we'll just have to wait for next time...'
'I guess we'll just have to wait for next time...'
Hasn't stopped repeating in my head since that day, always in his voice.
I'm even scared to be left alone in my own aparmtnet when Eddie goes to work and I have days off.. I can't keep going to work with him, I don't want to be a burden and be around all the time when he's busy, he sees me everyday but what if he starts getting tired of all that because I keep going to work with him..? What if he gets tired of having me around all the time...? All because I'm affraid to be left alone, affraid to even leave the apartment, I can't even go to the gas station to grab snacks anymore.
I can't even bring myself to go into work today because I'm affraid, affraid if I run into him, Billy.
My thoughts remain under a lock with no key...
//
The thoughts you were writing down in your diary, the one Eddie got you for Christmas, gets cut short by him walking into the bedroom and standing in the doorway.
He was getting ready for work, though, he didn't want to go anymore after you told him you called in sick with a migraine, which...wasn't true.
"You sure you don't want me to stay with you...? I can call in sick.."
He pouts at you sitting in bed with your back against the headboard, his arms folded across his chest as he lent against the door frame.
You just shake your head with a small smile.
"I'm sure Eddie it's okay... I don't want you missing shifts okay? I'm just gonna try and sleep whatever this is off."
You reply laying your pen down between the pages of your diary.
"Mmm..just a migraine right? You don't feel sick? If you feel sick I'm staying home, I'll do extra time on Tuesday to make up for calling in"
Leaning off the door frame and putting his hands into his back pockets.
"Mhmm, just a migraine... really I'm okay, I promise."
He raises an eyebrow and then nods a bit defeated knowing he won't win the argument here, making his way over to give you a kiss on the head and then on the lips.
You closed your diary up as he made his way over.
"Okay, but if it gets worse, call the shop and I'll come back yeah?"
He says rubbing your chin, you nod giving him a little smile, holding onto the diary in your lap with both hands as he kisses your forehead and lips, not out of fear he'd grab it from you and read it even after the accidentally "stumble" apon your diary the first time, but because what you had written down terrified you, Billy's name and all your thoughts and detailed words were inches away from Eddie, words that you knew would hurt him just as much, and would put him in the worst type of danger.
"I will...Have a good day at work..
don't forget to eat your lunch"
Just a small reminder for him to take a break, he works himself a lot while at work, you've seen it.
"I won't I won't. You try to eat something when you feel a little better okay?"
"I will.."
He smiles down at you, still with his hand against your face rubbing the corner of your mouth.
"I'll lock up so you don't need to get out of bed, but make sure to put the chain across when you do sweetheart.."
"I will do, promise. Thank you.."
You reassure him, getting a final kiss on the cheek before he let himself out and headed to work.
The light click of the door shutting behind Eddie feels especially heavy as of recently, like half the air gets sucked out with him when he goes. There's a tightness in your chest that you just can't shake, and you don't know if it's your lungs or your heart but it takes your breath away in the most malicious of ways.
Maybe that's the anxiety again but it feels worse...more intense.
All you can think while by yourself recently is, if something happens to you there's no witnesses.
If Billy shows up? No witnesses, and it horrifies you.
You didn't fall back asleep again for as long as you wanted though you didn't have a migrain, you just wanted to sleep away more hours and be woke up by Eddie finally home..to sleep all the hours away and numb out all the frightening thoughts and scenarios you kept making up in your mind, you couldn't help it, you'd just zone out somewhere and start thinking terrible things.
It was a little over 1pm now, dragging yourself out of bed and putting on one of Eddie's hoodies like usual, and grabbing the fluffy blanket from the bed throwing it over yourself, Eddie calls you the Abominable Snowman with how fluffy you wrap up, it was still pretty chilly in your defence.
You headed into the livingroom flicking on the TV just for background noise, something to blurr out everything going on in your head while making your way into the kitchen for coffee.
You've hated being alone in the apartment since Billy forced his way in, that was before Eddie installed the extra lock chain and peephole on the door, and evenmore now after what happened Christmas day, still hating yourself at how happy Eddie was the entire night, but you couldn't match that...it wasn't great for you at all and even though you did a good job hiding that, you still hated yourself, you wanted it to be a great time, especially for Eddie's sake.
Being pulled out of your head again by the coffee machine done brewing, though you could do with something stronger you added a splash of whiskey, there's a couple bottles of liquors that Steve, your mom and Wayne ended up bringing over for the party, you and Eddie have slowly been getting through them and when he gets home from work he always makes himself a coffee with whiskey added, which he didn't add every single day of course.
You ended up staying put on the sofa watching a few hours of some gameshow, before the bad thoughts and making up scary scenarios in your head hit again, sitting with your back against the sofa and both knees to your chest, staring down at the coffee table.
The thoughts and scenarios could literally be anything...mostly to do with Billy, they've got more frequent since Christmas, more intense to the point where you hear banging in your head, as if someone was at the door, along with shouting, always in his voice...
You knew you were hearing things because when it first started to happen you checked the peephole, no one was there every single time.
And the same was happening now, covering your ears and shutting your eyes tight
"Stopitstopitstopit...!"
It would put you in cold sweats of panic, gripping fistfulls of hair as your ears stayed covered with the bottom of your palms.
Like tonight, it got bad, and you just wanted it all to stop, even for a few hours, permanently sounded bliss.
Shooting up from the sofa you rushed into the bathroom and right for the cabinet, grabbing the Zolpidem,
sleeping pills, bringing them into the kitchen slamming them onto the counter and pouring a small glass of water.
You just wanted it to stop, you haven't thought about stopping it with pills since writing it in your old diary, since you and Eddie had that big fall out and didn't speak or even see eachother for over a week, which is the longest time you've ever gone without speaking or being around eachother, you didn't want that to happen again...
But it was a bad day, and you hated it even more because you still had those feelings and thoughts of not being or even feeling safe in your own home when you should, and not only when Eddie would be around.
You couldn't even remember doing it, but you were now sitting on the kitchen floor, back against the cabinet hugging your knees, losing track of time completely when you heard the lock on the door start turning.
Bringing you up onto your feet, quickly drying the small amount of tears that had fell down your cheeks, and sliding the pill bottle behind a plant that you had on the counter facing out into the livingroom.
And just in time as in walked Eddie, finally.
"Hi beautiful"
He says quickly glancing at you standing in the kitchen, before taking his jacket off to hang it up.
Clearing your throat to try sound normal, but your voice just sounding shaky.
"Hi Eddie...How's your day?"
Of course he noticed, right away that something was off,he's been even more observant about your body language recently.
His eyes scan the kitchen while he's still standing in the livingroom by the front door, then doing the same to the rest of the apartment.
"Kinda busy but alright..."
He says,then looking back at you.
Worried if something had happened with Billy getting into the apartment again somehow, though he put an extra chain and peephole on the door a few months back for you after the incident.
"How's yours been..? Are you alright"
Slowly coming over to you better and sees the bottle hid behind one of the plants, he tenses a little and crosses his arms, looking up at you soflty.
"Oh that's good..."
You say quietly, straightening up where you were standing near the sink and giving him a soft smile, initially still acting as if everything was fine, and the bottle wasn't in your hand a while ago.
"It's been alright, n-not too busy, can't complain, I'm good"
Your voice betraying you and wavering involuntarily. He steps a little closer, no fast movements because he could tell you were off about something, and he didn't want to scare you.
Still worried something other than what he has seen was going on and it made him panic on the inside but ready to defend the both of you if needed.
"...Is anyone here? Bathroom? Bedroom?"
He whispers, knowing he only scanned the place before walking to you, he didn't check the rooms.
You just shook your head no and backed yourself into the corner of the sink counter, folding your arms and mistakenly glancing down at the bottle you had tried hiding behind the plant, frowning at yourself that Eddie saw them and keeping your eyes off him, biting the inside of your cheek.
Your mind went fuzzy seeing the look on his face, following his gaze with your eyes alone to the bottle, knowing he'd caught onto what you had been doing.
Avoiding eye contact and feeling extra guilty now that you knew he'd seen.
"Sweetheart..."
He says softly coming to stand in front of you kneeling down so he could look at you while your head hung forward, taking both of your hands in his rubbing small circles.
"Please tell me this isn't what I'm thinking it is..."
Only looking at him for a second till you focused on his hands holding yours by your side.
Gulping back the guilt and taking a shaky inhale from your nose, you couldn't come up with some lie to cover yourself, he's caught on too much and your voice along with your off body language said otherwise.
"....Yes..?"
You said quietly, almost incoherent, yes that it was what he's probably thinking, but not telling him yet that you didn't go ahead with it.
Trying to put your hands into your pockets but he held onto them, tilting his head to the side slightly to try look at your face more.
That reply made him more concerned, but he kept a soft hold on your hands, and on his own face.
His eyes were glazed with worry, a gentle hand letting go of yours to reach up and cup your chin as you looked down at him.
You could feel his hands trembling against your skin and it made your stomach clench knowing you'd made him so worried already, but still in a space just bordering on too numb to care, desperately trying to stay in the headspace that made you care.
His lips are pressed into a thin line as he nods.
"P-please be honest with me...do I need to call for an ambulance? Do I need to make you drink salt water?..
did you take any of them??"
You frown slightly and shook your head.
"Mm-no. I- I didn't take any."
Shrugging one of your shoulders against your neck which probably wasn't as convincing to Eddie.
"...It says how many on the-the bottle. You can count if you want to.."
You had a disappointed look on your face, mixed with being tired from everything going on, your bad thoughts and flashbacks all from the lake, Alley and up to now, not giving you a break.
"I believe you sweetheart..but I may do that just to be extra safe okay?? It's not personal.."
You simply nod in response, shoulders shaking as your lip begins to quiver.
"I just want it to stop..."
You say just barely above a whisper, and it makes his heart ache in the worst most terrifying way.
He holds your wrists gently, still kneeling down infront of you.
"Are you having nightmares again sweetheart? bad thoughts?.... Both?"
He asks softly, you just nod not really giving him an answer as to what exactly it was.
"Yeah? Can you tell me what one?"
Rubbing your forearms with his thumb as he keeps his head tilted slightly to one side.
"...Both of them. Bad dreams and-and thoughts. It's all happening again..
why?"
You ask, making your lip quiver again, your head drops down a little out of exhaustion, letting out quiet but noticeably shaky breaths.
He stands up just barely, putting his hand on the back of you to protect it from the corner of the counter, guiding you Down so that your head was on his shoulder, helping you sit against the kitchen counter on the floor in a curled up almost fetal position, your arms wrapping around his waist out of instinct as you search for comfort and something grounding.
"Msorry..."
You say softly, and he shakes his head.
"No... no no don't be sorry...just let me help you okay? It's okay. You're safe, just let me take care of you"
You nodded tiredly, laying into him more, he stays sitting with you for a moment just holding you with enough pressure from his arms as another way of comforting you, the same use a weighted blanket has to calm nerves and anxiety.
His hand didn't stop rubbing circles on your back till he helped you stand, with no talking he leaded you into the bathroom, sitting you on the toilet and started running a bath.
Still wanting to count the pills once you were in the bath and more relaxed.
He came in and out of the bathroom a few time with fresh towels, and then back again with clothes.
Brushing some hair out of your face, and kissing your forehead, As he did so again, he lingered rubbing your cheek with his thumb.
"How would you feel about some tea Hm?"
You managed to give him a small grin, and nod with a little "Thank you".
He leaves and gets everything ready, bringing a cup back into the bathroom and setting it on the counter, then helping you undress and step into the bubbly bathtub.
Sitting down in the warm water with your knees to your chest, arms wrapped around them.
The warm water instantly soothing your tired body, Eddie grabs a hair tie from the counter and gently gathers up your hair, softly gliding his fingers across your neck in the process, then puts your hair in a bun so it doesn't stick to you.
Once your hair is all gathered up he places a small kiss to your shoulder and cheek, your head tilts chasing the feeling.
He leaves you only briefly, taking his watch and his rings off and setting them aside and coming back with a fresh cloth, dipping it under the tap, and lathering some soap onto it, and bringing it to your shoulder, rubbing in small circles, placing his free hand on your cheek, cupping it and giving you a soft smile, but fully seeing how exhausted you was.
Your eyes got real heavy, not getting much sleep lastnight spending it wide awake laying in bed till you just decided to quietly get out of bed seeing the sun come up.
He soflty brought the sponge to the front of your neck, queezed the warm water down your chest which soothed you some more, enough that you dozed off for a moment till he placed a kiss to your cheek, as much as he didn't want to wake you up seeing how relaxed you finally was, you couldn't sleep in the tub.
You stirred only a little bit, lazily opening your eyes halfway to see him watching you, eyes full of concern and worry, contrasted by the sweet smile on his face, showing just how relieved he was that you didn't take anything, and how grateful he was that you were letting him take care of you instead of fighting it.
You needed it, and he was happy to give you that.
"Sweet thing, I love you but you can't sleep in the tub...it's not gonna be comfortable when it gets cold."
You pout just a little, but nod keeping your head in his hand.
"It's gonna be okay...I promise alright?"
He says softly, giving him a thankful smiles, nudging your cheek into his palm.
You drank the warm tea and he helped you out of the bath, holding a towel out for you to step into, wrapping it around you like a blanket, then wrapping his arms around you for a little extra warmth knowing it gets chills as soon as you step out of the bath.
Rubbing your back and shoulders against the towel to help you get dry quicker, slowly swaying side to side as you lay your head on his shoulder.
Giving his jaw a soft kiss as a thank you, before lifting your head off his shoulder to get yourself dry properly.
"It's warmer in the bedroom, no cold floor there"
He says with a smile, keeping an arm around you as he leads you into the bedroom, flicking on the light switch on the wall as he walks in and gently sitting you on the edge of the bed.
He grabbed you clothes himself, pulling open your wide of the dresser to get you undies, fluffy socks, and held out a bra.
"Want one of these contraptions?"
He asks looking over his shoulder, you shake your head and giving him a little "no thank you.."
He nods.
"Thought I'd ask, you say they dig into you sometimes, not very comfortableee"
He says about to close the draw, he was right..they were, and you'd be going to sleep again soon anyways so you didn't really fancy being dug into by a bra, though it was still kinda chilly, and you had plenty thin bralettes.
Catching him before he closed up that draw.
"Actually..could I have one of the other ones, please, the-the bralette thing...should be some shoved in the corner of that draw your in.."
You ask, voice still a little quiet, but you felt much better now that he was home, and after that bath.
"Yes ma'am..."
He answers, picking a black one, obviously, and throwing it over his shoulder were it laid as he moved onto his own draws, pulling one open and grabbing you a shirt of his, and sweats along with a pair for himself.
He turned to you with the clothes in hand.
"For you, m'lady"
He bows and laid them beside you on the bed, his little scenes where he'd bow always made you smile, he did it the very first time he came up to you on the playground and introduced himself, he was just a little boy and incredibly polite, which was a slight shock considering who was "raising" him at that time, and considering everything he had been through at such a small age.
"Thank you kind sir.."
You chuckle and bow your head in return.
"Have you eaten at all today?"
He asks, kneeling on the bed and closing up the curtains to give you privacy.
"No..I had a coffee though, I think it's still on the table, I'm sorry.."
You say shivering just a little, which made Eddie turn on the small room heater plugged in in the corner of the room.
"It's ok, I'll wash it... I was gonna make some spaghetti and meatballs tonight, you fancy some?"
He asks with a sweet smile, you not almost instantly, Eddie makes the tomato sauce himself and it's even better than what you'd get in any restaurant, he smiles bigger seeing you nod.
"Yes please...with some grated cheese ontop?"
You ask taking your arms out of the towel and holding it to your chest.
"Of courseeee, more cheese than anything, right?"
He grins coming back over to you and kissing the top of your head, relieved you agreed to eat with him.
"Get dry and changed, I'll just be in the kitchen getting things sorted"
He squishes your cheeks playfully then leaves the room letting you change in private.
Once all warm again and changed you made your way out of the bedroom, seeing Eddie right away in the kitchen getting things started for dinner.
He hadn't even got changed into comfortable clothing himself yet after work, he immediately helped you.
You smiled at yourself watching him hum one of his favourite Metallica songs as he chops up things for the pasta sauce, quietly making your way over.
"Anything I can help with..?"
You ask, standing beside him and watching, he stops humming and smiles.
"Mhm...if you could just stand there and look pretty, though that wouldn't be very hard for you to do, that would be great...!"
He grins at you, obviously it made your cheeks flush a light pink.
"I don't have to do a thing but stand here and watch a very cute metalhead cook our dinner?? SWEET"
You grin back leaning against the counter with your arms crossed, really looking at him which made him laugh.
"Sheesh...obvious much? I don't have one of those aprons to make this even more of a sexy experience for you, I'm sorry"
He playfully pouts, a smirk creeping onto the corner of his mouth.
You giggle, about to say something till Eddie jumps in first.
"Buuuut...! Maybe this'll make up for not having an apron, I'll get one though"
He grins even bigger, setting the chopping knife down and pulling off his shirt, starting with grabbing it from his back and pulling it over his head, instantly eyefucking his entire bare chest and he notices.
"....Take that as a yes"
He smirks, throwing his shirt into the laundry basket and getting back to making dinner, all you manage was a quiet giggle.
He got the sauce all made up first and let it simmer for a bit, you poured the both of you a small glass of bourbon and Eddie was standing between your legs as you sat up on the counter, his thumb rubbing against your hip bone.
You talked for a bit about how his day went, till your eyes fell to his lips, randomly thinking about whether they'd taste of bourbon or not if you kissed him, and he caught on...to everything, like he was reading your mind.
You see his lips curl into a smile and his glass brought up to his mouth as he takes another sip, then says exactly what you were thinking.
"......They probably taste like bourbon.."
Licking his lip only slightly as he sets his glass beside you on the counter, you gulp and pull your eyes off his lips and down at his glass.
He steps closer between your legs to the counter, and to you.
"Yours probably do also.."
He whispers, bringing his index finger under your chin, slowly lifting your head back up and making your eyes look at his.
".......Probably..."
You say back, he smiles and slowly leans in, nudging his nose with yours before closing the gap with a soft kiss,both smiling as you lent in before he could pull away, catching his lips again as they move in tandem with eachother.
It was a slow, but ferm.. bourbony¿
type kiss, which got broke when the pasta sauce started to bubble away making Eddie's eyes open wide mid kiss, making you giggle.
He pulls away dragging the pot off the stove with a wobbly "My sauceeeee"
And laughed at himself.
You were sure to not distract him anymore from finishing off getting dinner made, he agreed on letting you help, which was just grating the cheese, half of it being sprinkled into your mouth as you grated it, you couldn't see it but he was smiling at you as he dishes up the plates.
You both sat on the sofa watching a movie with your dinner and a drink, legs draped over his while you ate, he had his resting up on the coffee table.
Forgetting the events of today, feeling much better with him home, feeling safe again, grounded.
You didn't argue this time when he saw the pills, he handled it so well, which made you feel understood in some way, he kept calm with you, helped you feel better, and you appreciated that, and him more than you could ever explain.
The guilt was still there..that he saw the bottle and made him worry, the whole reason you were feeling this way which no one knows, they could never,
It was only you and your diary that held it all inside.
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•~• Important note; •~•
I think wattpad has got more strict with what's said in comments, and things are being reported/put under reviews, which...they don't do anything about, it's literally just reported and they don't put it back up.
It's mainly done when you guys swear in the comments, even ONE swear word and you get reported and
"put under review" .
As much as those comments make me laugh, y'all need to be careful now...I scroll the comments and there's hundreds after one another that's been reported.
It seems to be ANY swear word, and also other offensive words even like Idiot & Bitch, Ya, I KNOW, it's silly, but I've seen it in my comments.
(I've seen a couple comments that have also been reported that may have been to do with hate speech...especially when you guys tell mophead Billy to d¡3, I know we hate him, but wattpad is angy.
So it's safer to hide your words with numbers or symbols, or a funnier word that sounds like the "bad" word. So like;
"Billy really needs to F****** d¡3" )
I think it's safer if you guys started swearing in Asterisk...
( **** ) and hashtags, at-sign, exclamation points, dollar sigh... y'know--; (#@!$*)
so things can stop being reported and my comments are not all flagged when I wanna reply to them}:
Because I can't when you've been reported, and that's like half the comments under every new chapter I put up.
Xoxo