Iiris' PoV
I have been away from Finland for two weeks now, my feet are starting to hurt a bit because of all the walking I have done but this is the only way where I get to be alone, not thinking about anyone else than myself... And Aleksi. This whole journey would have been easier if the night between us did not happen, I would be able to focus on finding myself again. Yet still, I was working hard, thinking about the relationship I had with Rauli, why it ended the way it ended. What have I lost while being stuck in that hell hole with him? What would have happened if I never met Aleksi who was able to get me out of that toxic relationship? All those and a million other questions were in my mind daily and on nights, when I found myself a place to rest, my mind was mostly occupied by the night me and Aleksi had. How painful it was to leave the note and just leave with all these feelings I had now. They were mixed, though. I was so unsure about everything that I became afraid of those feelings. I was not supposed to fall for him... In my mind I was not even ready to have feelings towards anyone right now, but my heart was not agreeing with my brain and it made me confused.
Another day came to an end and I had found a place to sleep. It was a small room one family had reserved for the people who were taking the walk, so having someone random sleeping at their home was an usual thing for them. The bed was not the comfiest but it was the best I could get and I knew the risk that not all nights were going to be great. Nor the weather, like it happened today. Luckily I had some clothes with me that I could put on in case the ones I wore today were not going to dry during the night. But that was my smallest problem. As soon as I plugged in my phone with the charger and it got some power, I connected it with the wifi and went to check my social media. I had made a promise to myself that I would not upload any picture from this journey just because I did not want anyone else to know where I was. Those who knew, knew, and it was enough for me.
Not updating my social media kind of gave me some sort of peace as well. After creating new accounts while I was still in Finland, pretty much soon after Rauli's friend contacted me, I added only the ones I felt safe with. My usernames were completely different to what they used to be so Rauli or Susanne could not find me. Although my followers were mostly Aleksi and the others, and some of my old coworkers, I still chose not to post anything. This was my time, not the time I wanted to share with anyone. The only one I shared some pictures with was, of course, Aleksi. I promised to keep in touch while I was away, just to keep him updated about my situation and that I was doing ok.
So it was not a surprise, that after checking what the rest of the World was up to, I went to messenger and opened the chat with Aleksi. He was not online, which made it a little easier for me. Not that I wanted to avoid chatting with him but I wanted to avoid the feelings it created. The two weeks away has not been enough to sort my mind out about my feelings towards Aleksi. The truth was - the way he treated me that night, the way he touched me.. Everything he did to me felt so much better than I have ever felt before. I could just blame the moment for it, we were drunk and a lot of things we do while being drunk seems to feel way better. But that night really was something better.. It was the best thing I have felt in a long time. I told him I missed the meaningful sex and he delivered.. But it messed up everything. If it had not happened, I would probably be gone forever. Nothing would make me go back to Finland.. And it was my original plan - to leave and start over somewhere else where I could just forget everything and everyone. I could not just forget Aleksi... Not after everything.
Iiris: Hey.. It's been a few days.. I'm doing ok, feet are starting to hurt but I knew it would happen so I was prepared.. This journey has been somewhat relaxing, being away from the environment that reminds me of the pain.. Not your place of course but you know what I mean. I still have a long way to go and plenty of time to analyze everything..
I put the phone away and turned off the small table lamp I had next to the bed. It was terribly late and my alarm was set for 6AM so I could leave around 7AM, which left me pretty much only six hours to sleep before another long day. My plan was to walk at least 25 kilometers tomorrow and I had my fingers crossed that the weather would be just a little better than it was today. The whole journey should take approximately 35 days if you walk 20-25 kilometers per day. Some would think that I was totally out of my mind that I decided to take this long journey and walk the whole way. And maybe they were right. Maybe I was out of my mind. Too much had happened and every thing that happened killed a part of me for different reasons. I had lost so much that this was the only way to gain something back.
Aleksi: Hi, good to hear that you're ok. Just take care of yourself and don't push it too far.. Of course I hope that there was an easier way for you to deal with this.. But I do have some news for you as well. Niko proposed to Miryam today.
I read the message and a smile climbed on my face for the first time during my stay here. Hearing Niko and Miryam getting engaged and knowing there was a baby on the way as well was something I so badly wanted to feel myself, too. But I was so happy for them. I always was happy for others and in the meanwhile I forgot how to be happy myself. It was so easy to pull on the mask and pretend that everything was great and life with Rauli was something I so badly wanted. Hiding the truth from the others was always my first choice and while doing that I started to believe that things were fine. I was so used to lying to them about my situation that I started to believe my own lies. And now they have brought me here. If I had been brave and honest to myself earlier then maybe I would not even be here now. Maybe I would have been able to let go of Rauli much earlier and maybe being with Aleksi right now would have been the right decision. But assuming things I should have done before were not going to fix the fact that I was here now.
Iiris: Oh, those are great news! Please, congratulate them for me too. I'm truly happy for them!
I could only imagine Aleksi smiling behind his phone's screen. It was something I missed seeing... And just being next to him. I have had moments during these weeks when a regret has run through me, thinking I should just walk to the nearest big city, get myself a ride to the airport and fly back to Finland, but when I started to think about it the more ridiculous it started to feel. It was not a way to solve this. We both needed some air to breathe after what happened between us and running back to him just like that would only confuse us more. If the feelings still were there when I go back then I know that they are real. Right now the smartest way was not to act by the emotions.
Aleksi: I will. Btw, Rilla keeps on sleeping with your shirt..
And a picture was sent next, where Rilla was cuddling with the shirt.
"Aww..." A quiet laugh escaped from my lips as I saw how cute she was with my shirt next to here. Rilla became such a good friend for me while I spent my days together with her. I could tell her everything I had in my mind and I knew she would keep them for herself. Aleksi would keep them for himself as well, no doubt in that.
Iiris: So cute...
Aleksi: Looks like she misses you... She's not the only one tho..
With that sentence Aleksi literally broke my heart into a million pieces. It started to feel like there were a lot of things left unsaid and for me it felt like I was not the only one battling with my feelings. Even though we talked about the night while I was still in Finland and we both kind of took the side that we were both okay that it happened, no negative feelings and we should just try to go on somehow, the feelings were getting pushed more and more on top. It was hard to just go on after that and for me it seemed like both of us were pushing the real feelings aside.
Iiris: I'm sorry...
I did not know what else to say. How can something feel so right but so wrong at the same time? Why did my life have to be full of these kinds of moments all the time, especially when it came into men?
Aleksi: Don't be... I understand.. Focus on you now. We can discuss the thing between us once you come back..
And as usually, he seemed to be the most understanding guy ever walking on this planet. Knowing he was ok with me being away felt so good but at the same time it was eating me inside, knowing there were much more feelings thrown in the air then we knew. Or more than we wanted to confess and it could be felt very strongly on both sides. The feeling was a little uncomfortable but at the same time I knew that we could speak about it openly, just that right now it was difficult. My heart was twisting painfully while thinking about the whole situation where we managed to get ourselves.
Iiris: We should talk about it then. But first we both need to make things clear for ourselves. It would not be fair towards you if I say or do things out of all these weird emotions I'm having and have been having during this time..
Sighing I put the phone away after checking the time. The more I chatted with Aleksi, the less time I had to sleep but I did not want to ignore him. I already hurt him enough by leaving just like that, then the least I could do was to communicate with him while I was here. Soon, another silent sound of an incoming message woke me up from my thoughts.
Aleksi: I know... And I thank you for being honest with me.. But I guess you wanna go to sleep, it's quite late..
Iiris: I would never be dishonest with you.. I might be scared of many things, facing all these emotions for example, but I know I can trust you with the truth.. And yeah, I kinda have only some hours left to sleep before I need to wake up.. Sweet dreams, Aleksi. Thanks for being here for me.
Aleksi: I will always be here for you.. Sleep well!
For the last time this evening, I put the phone aside and turned my back on it so it would not create any temptation to check anything. Another mission was falling asleep.. No matter how hard I tried and how tired I was, my mind was a messed up place and these feelings I had towards Aleksi were only confusing me more and more, day by day.
A/N: Sorry for the short pause! I was visiting my parents in Finland and I did not have too much time to write or be around here at all.. But oh well.. Looks like Iiris' idea of clearing her mind is a little disturbed..