It's nearing midnight and I have one more thing to do. Though it's late, I know he'll be awake. I walk to my doors and pull them open, the gentle dark of Amory Manor luring me in.
I don't rush as I walk through the halls I grew up in, tall ceilings and endless rooms that had always felt so big for a small girl so lonely. My last night here before I drive to New York tomorrow. A new chapter, I'm hoping. I also get to see Everest again.
The large doors of the library open. I take the ladder upwards and turn to his favourite windowsill.
It's dark outside, all of Amory Gardens in view from the occasional poled lamp. He sits with a book in his lap, not acknowledging my presence. My youngest brother has always had an air of mystery to him. He doesn't fit, not with regular people.
A boy that looks like that, with a mind like his, doesn't fit with the ordinary and he will never try to. He's like rain amongst sunshine. Thunder amongst plain blue clouds. An angel amongst mortals. He's inexplicably above us all.
My eyes flick to the book he's reading, the pages worn from how much he's read it. Wuthering Heights.
"I'm tired of being enclosed here." I quote the book as I near him. He doesn't look up, doesn't flinch as I gently speak, "I'm wearying to escape into that glorious world, and to be always there. Not seeing it dimly through tears."
He doesn't look at me. His posture's taut, his jaw clenched now. Angry. He turns a page like I don't exist to him.
"Azure." I say and I hadn't meant my voice to shake so much. He means the world to me. To have him resent me, is pain I'll never get over.
"Leave."
Ice. So, so cold.
"You know I won't." I say.
He lifts his green eyes to me and there's nothing in there but calculated anger. He's not looking at me like he's always done, like I'm his sister.
He lifts himself, like he's about to leave but I rush over and hold him by his arms.
He's the same height as me but soon, he's gonna tower over me. He's going to be bigger, stronger and smarter than he already is. He's going to be a man but will he be better than my brothers? Better than mom?
"Don't hate me. Don't resent me for leaving." I look right into those dark eyes, "I have loved you my whole life, and I always will. I'm not giving up on you, just because I no longer live under this roof."
He says nothing. I almost explode.
"Say something! If you're angry, just-"
"What are you doing if not giving up on me?!" He yells back, his voice echoing and I silence, "You want to quote Brontë at me, Vy?"
He looks so much older. Nothing like an eleven year old boy. I couldn't protect his innocence, he never had a childhood and god, it was my fault. I have never seen such heartbreak in someone's eyes than I do in Azure's right now.
"You loved me, then what right had you to leave me?" He quotes.
I hadn't realised, not truly, how much this is hurting him. He hadn't shown me. Not like this.
This home is broken. Our family is shattered. When there are arguments, Azure hides with me and only me. I'm the only person he's ever allowed himself to be vulnerable. He's only young. He has nobody else.
"Azure-"
"You resent this manor, you resent our mother and you have spent your life unconditionally loving. Just so you aren't her." He says harshly, eyes burning with angry tears, "And yet you'll leave me here."
"I'm not leaving you. I would never leave you to fend for yourself-"
"Leaving me is just as bad as this fucking manor that I'll now be enclosed in. You're just as bad as mother." He's crying, trying so desperately to be angry and mean. This is his own hurt, that he doesn't know what to do with, where to direct it.
"Please don't say that. I can't stay here." I stare at him, pain such a whirlwind between us, "I can't. I can't because I've been slowly dying here for years, Azure."
She hurts me, Az. When you were asleep, on the other side of the manor, I let her hurt me so she wouldn't find you. A part of me wants to tell him. I have scars. Bruises. I can't live in this fear any longer and the only reason I have the will to leave, for now, is because he won't have to fear her. She doesn't hurt my brothers physically. It's me.
I'm not a cruel person. I'm not openly broken and you wouldn't be able to look at me, my prim clothes and classy lifestyle and the kindness I try to convey, and think I could be so broken. Violet Amory has been shattering in this manor for a long, long time.
I don't want to keep breaking. I want love and life, for the first time in my life.
I would never disclose all that to him. I'm going to get Azure out of here but I can't for now. I'm incapable yet. He has Sage, who won't let her lift a finger near him. He's protected by our older brother, even if he doesn't see it.
"You have been the only thing to ever give me life here so I will never abandon you. I'd steal you away, if I could. I'll visit. Every single day, every weekend if it means you aren't fighting for yourself in this house."
"You'll forget me. Move on." He bites back, "To forget everything that's caused you pain, you'll forget me."
"You've never caused me pain." I say earnestly, "You're never a source of pain."
He shakes his head, shutting his eyes from me. I can't take it anymore so I throw my arms around him and he's incredibly tense for just a moment. Until his arms slide around me and he hides his face in my shoulder.
I would give up every single person in my life for Azure. He's as connected to me as a mother would a child. I was his protector, his nurturer. I always will be.
"I love you, Az." I hold him tighter.
Vulnerability is becoming something Azure doesn't do at all. It's hard to accept that I can't completely stop him from becoming who he is. Hurt and trauma will shape him regardless of how much I try to help now. All I care about, is that he knows my love.
He doesn't say it back. He only holds me tighter.
***
Sage had hugged me, Grayson had offered me this small smile through his tiredness as my things were loaded into the back of the Bentley. He has a doctor's appointment with Charlotte today.
We hadn't said much but uncertainty had lingered. I'd probably see them soon, but every day that passes, the due date nears. I smiled and I held his hand and I hope he felt it, the faith I have in him.
One last hug with Azure, a bigger one from Sage who almost crushed me.
And I'd driven away from Amory Manor.
Mother had only spared one glance as my things were being loaded and turned around. I had no desire to say goodbye to her either.
On my drive, I'd stopped briefly at Aurelie's house. When she opened the door, she was dressed in her pyjamas with her wild curly hair. Shock passed over her features but I didn't let her digest, before I hugged her.
"I'm leaving for New York today." I said into her shoulder.
"Oh," She hugged me tighter, "Oh, god, I'm happy for you. I'm- fuck, I'm going to miss you. I wish things didn't turn out the way they did, Vy."
"I'll miss you, too." I pulled back to see her teary eyes, "I just wanted to say goodbye. I know everything's changed but you were the person I dreamed of college with. I didn't want to leave without seeing you."
She shakily smiles.
I'll always hold love for Aurelie Blanc. And hopefully, over time, we can return to how we once were. I'm willing to try.
We'd talked for a while, promised to meet up and text each other life updates often. She'll be going to Columbia, which isn't too far from me. I'll see her. She pulled me in for a tight hug once more before I returned to the Bentley.
Now, Kilned passes by through the tinted windows and I languidly rest my head against the window. Change. It's inevitable, but really terrifying. I'm on my way to New York.
I already miss Azure. And Sage. Even Grayson.
I've never not lived without my brothers. Without their constant fights, and their hurt and their complications. We're fucked up but we're a unit. Through it all, it's been us against the world.
Dad had always said he had a feeling I'd be the first one to truly fly from the nest. That 'his bluebird would soar.' That I was made for it. I only hope that this change is going to be for the better.
I think I deserve that. I wish I could tell him. I'll soar, dad. I'll fly for the both of us.
Everest.
Chaos. Party lights and clouds of weed and noise. The lights flash red as the night goes on and I sit here, so fucking bored. But I need the alcohol in my system and I don't want quiet so I stay.
The couch besides me sinks and I turn to look at Ria, head tilting back as she smokes a joint. Her hair's up in a messy bun, her hazel eyes tired and god, we're a mess. At the very least though, we're a mess together.
She doesn't look at me when she holds out the joint for me to take. I do, hollowing my cheeks and letting the heavy smoke escape above me.
It's been our routine as of recent. Drowning out any sort of pain with these parties. I upkeep my bubbly facade, I get a smile out of her every so often and I drink myself away.
Fun.
I spot Hudson within the thick crowd of people, half of them standing around and the other half all over each other. Dancing or making out or minutes away from fucking. It's a wild party tonight and even within all the people, Hudson's sharp face and dark aura stands out.
Especially because I think him and the ball of sunshine that is Valencia Emerson are arguing over the phone. So nothing new. I almost snort. They're so fucking entertaining to just watch sometimes.
But my attention instead turns to those ugly fuckers leaning against the wall. Jameson and Aiden, both with their eyes on Ria. I'm not oblivious. Most dudes here have their eyes on Ria but she's drinking tonight so as soon as they lift their eyes, I make sure they see how dark my fucking glare is.
Touch her. I dare them. I'm not in the mood to be nice tonight.
My knuckles fist the alcohol bottle, so badly wanting to smash their faces in. I'm not a natural born fighter like Luca but I'm not as angelic as people start to think I am either. They're disgusting motherfuckers.
They avert their gazes from me quickly.
Ria smokes a little more before she stands up. I look at her, "Stay near."
"I know, fucktard." She snips. I don't take offence. Ria's natural tone kinda sounds like she hates your guts, regardless of how beloved you are to her.
She leaves and I lift the bottle to my lips, throwing back the bitter liquid. I pull out my phone and routinely, I go to my camera roll.
My lips lift as I look down to my phone. To Violet's smile in the picture I took in the auditorium that night. Her head's tilted back, mid laugh when she turns back to look at me. I don't know what stupid joke I made but I'm glad, if it got that smile out of her.
I only have a few more. She'd snatched my phone one time and smushed my cheeks together, smacking a kiss on one of them. We look like idiots but fuck, we look happy.
She looks happy. I love her happy.
If I could wish for any power, it'd be the ability to make her smile, for every fucking day of her life. Violet Amory's eyes, her face, they're suited to happiness. She's suited to a smile, like the sun compliments the sky. Like snow compliments winter. The world feels off balance when she's upset.
"Pussy whipped." Hudson's voice drawls and I snap my gaze up to him.
I click my phone off and glare, "Fuck off. Just because women have a tendency to unlove you."
"Will you ever shut up about that?" He glares back.
"Once I have material to bully you, the material never goes away." I smirk.
"If you were spontaneously stabbed to death, then the material would definitely disappear." He smiles bitterly. Psycho.
"You'd pussy out. Probably kiss my wounds better. My big blue eyes would weaken those defences." I taunt, lips turning up into a grin and he shoves my head.
"I'm going home. Want a ride?" He asks.
I look behind me, to where Ria's just gotten off the phone with somebody and slugs back several gulps of alcohol with a lot more urgency, walking into the crowds of people.
"I'm probably gonna be occupied." I tell him and he nods, looking to her for a moment too. I assure him, "I've got her."
He nods, "I know."
He playfully shoves my shoulder before he makes his way out and I return to nursing this cheap bottle of alcohol. It tastes like absolute shit. I can't stop and I almost want to call Violet but I don't want to wake her up. It's her last night before I get to see her tomorrow. She doesn't need my moping.
The night goes on. I have to fend off girls and their catty friends who aren't subtle with the way they sit a little too close to me, or drape their legs over my own. I know I'm practically an open invitation because of how I look, alone. But I don't give a fuck for anyone here. Anyone but—
Ria. Shit. I shoot up, looking around now that I've lost sight of her. Fuck, how could I be so blind? It's been a while. I don't have my sights on Jameson or Aiden either, both of them known for fucking around with girls at parties.
My heart races as I scour every part of the house I can see. I shove past people, uncaring of being polite. If something's happened to her because of me. Or if one of them have touched her, I'm going to lose my shit.
I always knew Ria couldn't withstand being touched. The rumours at Kilned High always ran ablaze because of the way she never let guys kiss her when she hooked up with them. Even regular physical touch would make her tense up.
I only found out the true reason recently. I've always been protective over her, but since then, I want to gouge out eyeballs whenever they land on her in a weird way. Nobody's going to hurt her like that again. Not so long as I fucking breathe.
Cheers abruptly sound out so I turn over my shoulder.
"Well, fuck." I sigh when I spot her, topless, atop a table. A crowd of guys gather under her, raking their gazes over her and it takes me immense effort not to knock them all out as I walk over.
Especially when I see Aiden standing behind her, running her hands over her fucking body. She can barely open her eyes, too drunk to know what she's doing and he doesn't give a single fuck. I'll kill him later. How dare he?
She hates unfamiliar touch. If she was sober, she'd panic.
When she reaches down for another bottle, I swoop in and catch her, throwing her over my shoulder. One of them call out, "Everest, man! You're taking away all the fun..."
He trails off when I look at him once. Yeah. He should keep his fucking mouth shut. They all silence and I take her far away from them until I can gently sit her atop a counter. She's laughing deliriously and as soon as I see her bloodshot eyes, and the way she can barely hold up her own body weight, my stomach sinks.
That's not the Ria I know. Always tough, and always dark but never so broken.
I tip her chin up, trying to gauge if she's been drugged. I don't see any symptoms, her pupils aren't dilated. She's just drunk as fuck. I let her drink too much.
"God, Ria. I shouldn't have let you- are you okay?"
"Phenomenal." She hums, smiling. She's still shirtless, goosebumps starting to crawl up her shoulders. Something's wrong. It can't just be Luca. This is something else, ever since she got off that phone call.
I hold her face because she can't lift her head, "Did something happen?"
She shakes her head. A bad liar.
Her body slumps against me and I don't hesitate in holding her. When I insist we go home, she argues. I can see it in her eyes, the chaos she wants to seek here instead of the quiet at home. Because there, she can truly feel Luca's absence.
"I don't want to go home yet." She pleads, hazel eyes glassy, "I promise I won't drink. But let's not go home yet. I hate home."
"Why not?" I ask, though I know.
"There's no Lu at home. So it's not home." She yawns and my stomach feels like it's been sucker punched, "I'd have probably married that kid. Marrying always seemed weird but I'd marry Lu. And I'd have a home. We'd have kids. Stupid, huh?"
Not stupid. God, not stupid at all because to an outsider, one look at Luca would make you believe he's cruel or cold. Not a family man but of us all, I think he'd be the best father, the fiercest protector. He had Miguel to raise ever since he was nine. It's an instinct built within him.
Beneath it, he's kind. Under his layers of stone, there's a heart that loves us all. That only wanted to protect us from pain.
I talk to Ria for a while, give her my t-shirt and she urges me to enjoy the party. I let her believe that I do but I shadow her for most of it. She stays on the countertop and nobody dares to bother her whilst I remain around, shooting glares if they try.
Eventually though, I drink and keep drinking. When I can feel it taking its toll as the party starts to die down, I slump onto a couch near Ria. I can still see her.
I just need to shut my eyes. Just a minute.
***
It takes immense effort to try and get my eyes to open. My body feels heavy, my mind tired and my throat so fucking dry from all the drinking. The party's a lot calmer when I do force myself up.
I don't know how long I slept and Ria's not around here anymore. For fuck's sake. I groan as I force myself to get up. I distinctly remember her talking about wanting to smoke a cig but I can't decipher whether that was real or not. I'm so fucking dazed.
I look around and when I don't spot her, I follow my instinct and walk towards the front door. Rubbing at my eyes, I step out onto the porch and feel the bitter cold bite at my skin. I spot her immediately, stood on the pavement and I'm about to call out to her.
Until I see she's speaking to somebody.
I flit my gaze over. It's dark. I can't see their face. Still, my heart drops so quick I feel nauseous.
That height and that build. The way they stand. The way Ria looks as if she's seen a ghost.
I take one step forwards, my breathing uneven and hitching when Ria turns her back to him. She's crying, hugging her arms around herself and there'd only be one reason why she looks as if she's in that much pain.
I'm trying to figure out whether I'm hallucinating. Whether I've drunk myself to the point of imagining things and then, I'm pissed at myself. For making myself lose control like this again. I hate the way alcohol steals my inhibitions because I want to know. I want to know this is true.
I can't fucking breathe. My chest tight and my feet moving on their own accord towards them. Pain takes over my body when I get closer. I can see the side of his face.
Luca. Her Luca. Our Luca.
It's a fucking apparition. A ghost. A hallucination. I squeeze my eyes shut and pray to god that he's not torturing me. That he's not showing me this just to rip it away from me because if he's here, if this isn't him and he's taken away from me again, I'll lose it. I'll lose it.
Come back home, Luca. Come back to us. Be okay, Luca. I've spent weeks screaming it in my head. Pleading silently and searching desperately so seeing him, standing tall with a hood over his head, his skin so ghostly pale and body so much thinner than I remember - it's ripping me apart from the inside out.
"Luca?" My voice trembles.
And fuck, I am nothing but torn to shreds when he turns to look at me. Tears slide down my cheeks and I absorb every single one of his features.
Weeks. I have spent every living moment since he left, slowly withering away. Dying in my own skin and the only reason I'm still breathing is because of Violet. He's here.
He's real because Ria sees him too.
They speak for just a few moments and then she's closing the distance, running and running until they collide. His arms close around her in the most devastatingly beautiful embrace I've ever been witness to. Nothing could tear their arms apart from each other. He falls to his knees for her, their bodies shaking and caving against each other as they cry and my mind can't fathom. He's alive.
I searched because I knew. There was a deep, underlying part inside me that knew he wasn't gone. So whilst everyone tried to move on, I ruined myself and looked for him like a madman.
This, him leaving, it's ruined me. More than he possibly ever thought it would have. I've never drunk so much in my life.
I can't breathe anymore. A panic attack so brutal that it brings back memories of childhood. When they stole my sanity and were my biggest weakness. I learned to calm them as I got older but this one, it brings me right back to when I was defenceless and vulnerable, not knowing how to breathe right again.
I stumble back into the party. I grab any bottle I can find and can barely down them between my harsh breathing. I force myself to keeping drinking anyways.
He left. He fucking left me. I was getting better. I had stopped drinking for the first time since I was fourteen. Falling in love and thinking things could change and then he fucking left me again. He left like he did when Amelia and Micah took him in, away from the orphanage. And I was left behind then too.
I need to- to get this out. This thing crawling at my insides. I always chased it away with sex but Violet's so far away. I wouldn't do that to her anyways. I just, I need out. Of my body, of my head, of this pain.
I keep drinking. Focusing my attention elsewhere. This girl's looking at me like she wants to fuck me, talking about something I'm not listening to. I just want Violet. Vy.
Why does everyone fucking leave me?
I need to start breathing properly again. I'm gonna fucking pass out-
"Ev." Ria's tone is gentle.
"Are you okay?" I ask, not looking because I don't want to see. I can't see if he's besides her.
The girl leans up like she's going to kiss me but I cringe and pull back. She's talking and I'm not listening, though I'm trying to make it look as if she's got my attention. I can't look at him. I can't comprehend anything other than this betrayal, and this pain, when I should be relieved.
"Everest, can you..." Ria trails off.
The girl beneath me fires at her, "What do you want?"
"Sorry." Ria snaps right back, "I need to talk to Ev."
"For god's sake, Victoria's right. You really are a fucking whore."
Her presence immediately irks me and I step away from her. She tries to touch me again and I ward her off, uncaring of trying to be polite. I want to hurt something, or I just want to be hurt. Anything to distract from the turmoil in my mind.
She gets angry and as soon as she reaches out a hand towards Ria, instinct kicks in. I push her away whilst a tattooed hand had grabbed her wrist. He's standing besides me. Right there. I'm burning inside, trying hard not to disclose how badly it hurts to breathe.
I hate him for being my best friend. I hate myself for giving him the capability to ruin me like this.
I lift my eyes to his.
Brown, pained eyes stare back at me. A million words hide behind them and fuck, god, I missed him so much. He didn't let me fight for him. He's protected me since we were children and whilst he was fucking dying, he didn't let me in. What did I do wrong for you to not let me in?
I shove the alcohol bottle in his hands. I walk. I run from him and remember what it felt like. Chasing a phantom that everyone had believed was fucking dead. I'd give my life for him, I drank myself into unconsciousness until Violet found me, I let Dean beat me bloody and he couldn't even stay.
I hear him calling for me but I slip into separate rooms, wanting the chaos and wanting away from him. Loving always hurts. I'm always vulnerable. I can't breathe.
I feel his hands on me and before I can think, I let the anger consume me. My hands curl around his t-shirt, slamming him back against the nearest wall. Our faces are close and he's right here.
Luca stares at me flatly, "Really?"
"Not fucking ideal, is it? When I walk away from you?" My eyes start to well up, chest to chest with him. I slam his stupid body against the stupid wall again.
"Are you gonna let go of me?" He chokes out. So pale, so weak. How is he even alive? What even happened? "Or are you gonna stay pressed up against me like this because I'm pretty sure I can feel your crotch-"
"You couldn't handle me walking away from you for five minutes, you dick." I can't breathe, "Not being able to find me." I step away, trying to calm. Nothing's working.
Luca's eyes turn soft, looking me over, "Everest-"
"I looked everywhere." I drop my head between my shoulders because looking at him hurts, "There wasn't a fucking moment I felt like I could breathe because you were somewhere and it wasn't here."
Because you left me behind and you're my brother. I need you. I always do.
"I even went back to that shitty orphanage when I knew you weren't gonna be there." I yell and my body tenses up remembering the kicks, the punches, the blood and the pain, "And you- you fucking left. You walked away from me."
I'm barely breathing. I yell, and I let it out but nothing's working. I back myself against the wall, needing calm. Needing Violet's arms so I try to shut my eyes and envision her. I can't breathe.
Luca's suddenly in front of me and I manage to look up at him through how faint I feel. My face crumples when we meet eyes. Don't leave me again.
"Do you see me?" He asks sternly.
I feel the tear slide down my cheek. Our routine when we were kids. I hid my panic attacks from everyone. I never knew why they happened, or what they were so I believed myself to be a fucking freak. When Luca found me on the library floor, hyperventilating, he ruffled his hand through my hair and reminded me that I'm here. Alive. Breathing.
When he does it now, I sob, unable to restrain it anymore. When my body sinks, I'm that same little kid who had nobody. Who just didn't want anybody to leave me again but Luca's here this time. And he throws his arms around me, locking me in tight and not letting go. I fist his t-shirt and I breathe.
He's here. I breathe easier.
I hide my face against him, his strong arms locked around the back of my neck like protection from the rest of the world. It's now that I realise I don't think I ever would have breathed easier if he had died. I wouldn't have given up, even if it meant spending the remaining years of my life in misery. Luca is as much a part of me as my blood. Take him away and I'm nothing but a shell.
When Ria comes over, there's a light to her eyes. A life that's returned and that had been lost when Luca had left. This fucking prick has way too much of a hold on both of us. I hate him. I should hate him forever but even if he stabbed me through the heart, I wouldn't be able to resent him.
Luca Hernandez is loved. Strongly, unfailingly loved by me and Ria. He'll never know the true extent but when me and Ria meet eyes, I know we feel it. This dumbass has us in a chokehold.
And now, home will feel like home. Our family will feel like family. A life where one of us isn't there, will never be one where I can breathe easy.
He's home.
<3
finally.
everything from now on is following on after insomniacs (not the epilogue though, that's set in the further future). im so excited. love you all