- joes Pov -
I've spent the last few hours doing endless homework. One would think that the only homework you have on music school is playing or writing music. But that would be a wrong assumption. There is a lot of music theory that goes into this bachelor's degree to make a well-rounded musician. Not only do they want us to play music well, but they want us to have good ear training, music history and even ethics classes. Then next semester there are even more classes that's not playing the piano. But I don't mind at all, I actually think what we are learning is interesting. It doesn't hurt that with the homework for the ear training class and ethics class I usually work with Taylor because we are both in those classes. We obviously do our own homework, but it's good to have someone to reflect on things with and compare notes taken in class.
Taylors note taking skills are amazing, she really has a system that works great for her. And she writes everything by hand on her iPad. Its impressive that she can have readable notes taken so fast, I could never do that by hand. That's why I take my notes on my computer, so I don't need to deal with trying to understand my handwriting that's written in a hurry. It's not like I have ugly handwriting, I was always good at that when I was a kid, but not if I have to take the notes quickly for class. We had to do that obviously in middle school and high school, but it made it hard to understand what I had written. Thankfully my last two years in high school we were able to use our computers in class, so that made everything easier on me. The School changed its policy, and we were allowed to use our computers but if you did something you weren't supposed to you lost that privilege.
I am on my way up to Taylors dorm so we can compare notes from class today, but before I step out the door on her floor I hear arguing in the hallway, Taylor and harry to be specific. I know it's wrong to eavesdrop, but I can't help myself. I'm not going to lie, I am a little jealous of what they used together, and part of me is worried she is going to dump me and go back to him. They have history together, years of it. For the most part they grew up together, and that's not something that's going away just because she is with me.
«Leave it alone harry, I mean it. Its none of your fucking business» she snaps at him. I can tell she is trying to keep her voice down so people don't hear her, but I can hear the sharp edges of her tone.
«You need help Taylor. It's getting out of hand, and you can't hide it anymore. I see what you're doing, and I'm not going to let you do this again. You remember how bad it's gotten, and every round it gets worse than the last. It's going to kill you eventually Taylor if you keep going, and I'm not going to stand by and watch it» he snaps back at her, and I furrow my eyebrows. What the fuck are they talking about? Kill her? Is she suicidal and I didn't know about it? I haven't seen any signs of that, we learned about the signs in a mental health seminar my senior year in high school and I haven't spotted any of them with Taylor. But I could be blind to all of it, I don't know.
«It's not up to you to judge any of that harry. I'm fine and I'm not killing myself. And I don't owe you an explanation, you're not my parent, my therapist, or my boyfriend for that matter. I've offered you friendship but that's it, that's all I can offer you. And since we aren't close anymore you don't get to bring any of this shit up to me. It's your choice to not take my offer of friendship, and you can't now bring this shit up to me» therapist? I didn't know that either.
«You're being unfair Taylor. It doesn't matter that I'm none of those things, I still know you better than anyone at this School, and I promised your parents before I left for New York that I would look out for you» he argues. «The fact that you're even talking to my parents is annoying»
«You know our parents are friends Taylor, and your parents have always liked me. I spent a lot of time with your family growing up, it's not a surprise they still talk to me and wanted to have me look out for you. You can be pissed at me all you want but that's not going to change. I love you and I won't watch you die. You have a problem, and you need help. You can call your parents yourself or I will» he snaps at her. I knew he still loved her, that much is obvious, but as her boyfriend it stings to hear it.
«Don't you fucking dare call my parents. I swear to god I will kick your ass if you do. I will fucking never talk to you again»
I can't stand here and eavesdrop anymore; it's getting more heated, and it feels wrong to just stand here and listen. This is Cleary something serious judging by what harry is saying, and I can't help but be curious about what's going on. If she is in danger, it thinks that's something I need to know about. So I walk out the door and over to them.
When I lock eyes with Taylor her puffy and red eyes widen. My girl has been crying, fuck that sting. «Are you okay Taylor?» I ask as I come closer to her. «I'm fine Joe. Harry is just being an ass» she says and break out eye contact.
«You know damn well I'm not. Joe, Taylor is anorexic and currently killing herself. She has had anorexia since she was—.» He can't say more because Taylor lunges for him and cover his mouth with his hand. Both of them almost tumble to the floor so I quickly grab them so they both don't fall.
Anorexic? Have I been that blind that I haven't seen it? Not that I know much about it other than that they lose a lot of weight and can die. I've never known anyone personally that has it, so it's not something I'm familiar with. But I know Taylor is thin, but she wears baggy clothes a lot recently, so I haven't seen if she has lost a lot of weight.
«That wasn't for you to tell harry. Get the hell out of my personal business. You're a pain in my ass» fresh tears are streaming down my girls face and I'm itching to bring her into my arms and comfort her. But we are trying to keep this to us selves for now. But I don't even get the chance because she storms off and run into her dorm leaving me with harry.
«Look, you two are good friends, maybe you can talk some sense into her to contact her therapist. Long story short she has had severe anorexia since she was 12. But she is right the details aren't for me to share. But now I have to go call her parents, she will be pissed at me but I'm not going to watch this kill her» he says and walk off to go down to our floor leaving me alone this time.
12 years old and severely anorexic? That must have been a nightmare for her and my heart hurts for her and her family. The fact that kids that young get such a deadly illness is for sure a product of the damaged body image for your girls created by diet culture and social media.
I head into their dorm hall and knock on the door to their dorm before I use the code to get in. She gave me the code a few days ago and I gave her ours. Neither of us told our roommates though, so it's sort of sketchy, but it was convenient for the other person to have it.
She is curled up in bed sobbing and I quietly slip off my shoes before climbing into bed behind her and bring her into my arms. I don't exactly know what to say in this situation, but I figure being there for her at all is a good start. I'm not a therapist, and I'm not her parent, but I am her boyfriend, and my job is to be there for her. The last thing I want is for this illness to take her life, so if there is anything I can do to help with that later I will.
Her sobs turn into sniffles after a while, but I have no idea how much time has passed, and she doesn't start conversation. Sometimes people just need someone to be there with them, to hold them, and not having to say anything. And I don't want to say anything wrong in this situation. What I do feel with my arms around her is how small she is. I have always known that but now it seems more obvious since I know she is anorexic.
Why she didn't tell me before I don't know, maybe she thought I would judge her? But I would never judge her for something like this. A mental illness isn't something you can control, it's not something to be ashamed off. But I do now that in our culture its sadly become a thing that people find themself ashamed off, and it shouldn't be that way. People on one hand preach about good mental health, but then get uncomfortable when it's brought up. That's the double standard we are in today. Be open, but don't actually be open. For someone dealing with something as serious at this it must be confusing.
We lay here for god knows how long before the door opens and Selena walks in. At first, she doesn't spot us, but she does after she closes the door. «Holly shit what's going on?» She says as her eyes widen. We haven't told anyone that we are together, so this is a compromising position to find us in.
«Hi Selena» I say with a light chuckle, I do that when I'm unsure about what to do in a situation. «I'm just going to straight up ask because I don't beat around the bush. Are you two together? Or is this a friendly cuddling session?» She asks.
I would wait for Taylor to take the lead since I want to do what makes her comfortable, but right now I don't think she is in a state to do that. «Yes, we are together, she is my girlfriend. But we would appreciate it if you kept it quiet for now. We will tell everyone eventually but not right now» I tell her honestly. Selena is a really good friend to Taylor, so I hope she will respect that.
«Your secret is safe with me. Just don't let me walk in on you two humping please. That's not something I could ever unsee. Give me a heads-up text or something so I can be anywhere else and avoid hearing any part of that» she says and scrunch her nose and I can't help but chuckle lightly again, and this time I even feel Taylor giggling.
Actually I haven't even thought much about sex yet. It probably will happen eventually, but I'm in no rush to push this relationship faster than she is comfortable with. I feel our connection is about more than that even though I'm strongly sexually attracted to her. If she wanted to get under the sheets naked with me I would do it in a heartbeat, but if she wants to wait, I will do. I'm not the most sexually experienced guy anyway, but who doesn't like a good orgasm?
Taylor turns around in my arms pushing me down on my back before snuggling herself into my chest, practically laying on top of me. «You comfortable babe?» I ask her and she nods against me. «Yes, holding me helps. I'm so mad at him. He can go fuck himself for all I care. But I don't want to talk, I just want to cuddle»
Selena leaves us alone and watch a show on her computer, Taylor fell asleep, and I got Selena to give me my phone and Air Pods from my jacket I took off so I can watch something too while I'm laying here holding my girl. If she needs me to hold her, I will hold her all night. I'm clueless as to what to do right now, and I don't want to push her, so I just hold her and give her the time she needs.
But her phone keeps vibrating on her desk, someone is trying to get a hold of her and they're not stopping. It could be something serious, so I gently nudge her «baby, your phone keeps going off. You might want to check it just in case» I say when her eyes flutter open.
Groaning she turns over and grab it, but I can see she is turning it completely off when she sees who it is. «It's my parents, my therapist and my brother all trying to get ahold of me. That little shit harry actually snitched on me. They call all go to hell for all I care. I don't want to deal with anyone of them right now. They are overreacting» she mumbles before snuggling up to me again.
There is so much I want to say, because I have a feeling they're not overreacting, but I don't know how to approach that topic without triggering her again. She needs someone to be there with her right now, and we can deal with this in the morning. I hope she calls her therapist, but I can't force her. Now that I know however, I will keep an eye on her. I can't ignore this when I know what's going on. Harry is right, we can't sit by and watch her kill herself. But I won't go behind her back like he did either. There has to be a better way to do this than breaking her trust.
***
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