Dad didn't yell at me for getting the intensity booster. He didn't say anything about it to me at all, although I heard my parents talking after I went to bed, and I could tell that emotions were high. I wasn't quite sure what had happened, and I figured I liked it better that way. I tried to distract myself from all the worries with a drink or three, and then after a couple of drinks it only seemed natural to call Josh, and to see what I could persuade him to show me on cam. We were both tipsy at that point, enough that neither of us saw anything wrong with getting off on cam, and a whole lot of words shared about what we were going to do to each other.
Of course, I regretted it in the morning. It had felt so good, but I must have sounded so desperate, and we both knew that it was only the drugs in my brain talking. It was too easy to get horny, and to get carried away with doing whatever felt easy at the time.
I didn't say anything to anyone else about that. But I wished more than ever that I would be able to regain control of my own mind. I needed to stop myself from acting like that. And perhaps more importantly, I needed to learn what I really wanted again. Was it really just doing everything I could to help my friends out, like I didn't care about myself at all? Didn't I have my own desires? In the last few weeks it had been so easy to remind myself that it was just Anti-Lorna speaking every time I thought about doing something fun, but could I really be sure? Could some of those interests actually be my own, and it was just getting too hard to see the difference?
I knew that I needed to find myself, but I really didn't know how to go about that, and thinking about it too much could easily have sent me down into a well of navel-gazing introspection from which I would never return.
One thing I was totally sure I would have been willing to do was be there for my friends. So when Serena and Mr Pine had an appointment at Becker's pharmacy, I was there waiting outside the store for her. To my surprise, Mrs Yuan was there was well, and she gave a little wave when she saw me approaching.
"Lorna!" she said. "It is a while since I've seen you. I still worry, you know."
"Yeah, I just... I'm not so good at being polite now," I said, wondering if I was just making excuses to myself. "I don't feel like I should be working around customers when this stuff in my head is trying to make me always say the wrong thing." It was kind of true; she had caught me a few times, acting inappropriately at the shop before I decided that it would be better for me to take a break until I knew what I was doing again. But there was an inner voice asking if it wouldn't have been better to keep on teaching myself to behave; maybe even ask my parents to let Mrs Yuan give me a booster, to train me out of the inappropriate behaviour. Was I just being lazy by avoiding work, as a way to avoid being lazy at work?
"I understand. And your help will be welcome when you feel you can return. But I heard your friend may have some conflict with Becker today, and I hoped I may be able to help a little."
"Serena's case is complicated," I said. "She... Well, I don't know if I could even explain it. She might have done something that justifies getting the Punishment Pill, but the way Becker is going about it... I don't think he'd listen to anything you have to say, anyway. It's not like my case, where you were the victim of my crimes.
"I have many friends, Lorna. Today, the help I can offer is that of my nephew. He is a regulatory compliance officer, performing randomised spot checks on pharmacies offering this crazy pill. I asked him if he could inspect Becker's shop today. I think that if there is anything improper to be found, it could bring additional scrutiny on all of Becker's victims."
"Thank you," I told her, and automatically gave a little bow, just like she did whenever she expressed gratitude. It wasn't my own gesture, but Mrs Yuan's presence often inspired me to pick up some of her mannerisms as well. She carried respect with her like a blanket, and it was like I found myself wanting to imitate her whenever I saw her speak. She didn't comment, but smiled. "I really hope that he can help us. And I'm so grateful that you've been trying so hard to help me, even when I have let you down."
"You do your best, Lorna. You always do, even when they try to break you. And I cannot forgive what this man has done. Besides, I only ask my nephew to do his job. If not here, he would be inspecting somewhere. I help him to find the truth, perhaps."
That was when Serena and Mr Pine arrived, walking along with visible nerves. I would have invited them to join us, but it was clear that Mr Pine didn't like the substitute parent role, and was eager to get the appointment over with as quickly as possible. I turned to say hi to Serena, offering the moral support that I had promised, and Mrs Yuan stepped back out of sight.
"Having second thoughts?" I asked her.
"I don't think so. I'm nervous, I guess, because this is all new to me. But I know Daddy will be able to sort it out when he gets back if it causes any real problems."
I nodded, and wished her good luck. I didn't want to say too much, because I wasn't sure if the teacher actually knew her intentions. He had agreed to this because Becker was blackmailing the school, and he might have no idea how hard Serena had tried to get herself punished before.
"Did you choose one of the cards?" I asked. "I think you had a preference, but you still weren't sure."
"It's between the pink and the orange," she said. "I'm not sure which of those would be worst. I'm going to let Becker choose in the end. The green one, I think you said that would be a problem, and I don't want to inconvenience the people around me. But the pharmacist must know more about any of them than we do, so I think he'll make the best choice."
"That's right," Pine nodded. "She might get the choice, but that doesn't mean she has to choose if she finds it difficult. Although I do think that Mr Becker expected me to be making the choice for her. It does seem a little... unusual. To be approaching it like this, I mean."
"Do you want me to wait with you?" I offered. "I know it can be a tough thing to go through with, so perhaps you could use a friend there with you."
"Is that okay?" Serena asked Mr Pine, who just nodded. He was confused as well, and wasn't sure what he was supposed to be saying. He was one of the quietest teachers I'd ever met, the kind who would give his lesson in a voice that was easily overpowered by some of the rowdier kids at our school, and would politely ask troublemakers to be quiet before continuing his lesson for the benefit of anyone who was actually listening. He wasn't the kind to administer discipline, so this would be entirely unfamiliar ground for him. I felt sorry for the man, a real fish out of water.
We all walked together into the pharmacy, and took seats to wait. I felt myself tensing up already; remembering the last time I had been in here, with my parents demanding that I sit quietly and wait for my punishment. That had been before I discovered all the lies that Becker had told them in order to ensure their compliance. And some of the lies that he had told me as well; offering incorrect legal advice in order to make me fear real legal action if I didn't go along with his plan.
Todd was in there as well, leering at us with a huge grin on his face. When we came in he stood up and lurched over, doing his best to loom. I promised myself that I wouldn't be intimidated. This guy might have convinced a legion of followers that he was some tough guy, but I knew already that he was all talk; and that he was too dumb to keep from hurting himself, if it came to a real fight. Besides which, I suspected that Serena was still carrying a can of pepper spray in case the wannabe thug got too close.
"Hey, pee pants!" he sneered. "I thought I could smell something. What, you're here to get another shot? Dad said he'll let me choose your next one. Won't that be fun?"
"I'm not getting the Punishment Pill again," I said. "I'm just here with my friend. You wouldn't know anything about sticking with your friends, would you?"
"Yeah, well?" he said, and tried another laugh. Maybe he thought it would scare me this time, after his first attempt had fallen flat. And in the circumstances, I wondered if the anti-Lorna in the back of my head was actually helping this time. She was certainly not inclined to take an insult lying down, and didn't have anything like my usual reluctance to upset someone. I thought for a few seconds, and then decided that if the opportunity to say something really hurtful presented itself, there was no reason for me to hold back. It wasn't what I would have done before, not unless I was defending someone else, but there was no real reason to be careful with this guy's feelings.
I saw a man who must have been Mrs Yuan's nephew, as well. He was tall and slim, slightly imposing, and was taking notes on a tablet in rapid shorthand. I was sure that he'd heard our brief exchange, and I was also sure that he would be asking Becker some very serious questions later. The dose chosen for the Punishment Pill was legally confidential information. The implication that Becker had told his son about someone else's dose was enough to have him in front of the court; and the merest hint that he could have influence over the decision would be a very serious matter. I hadn't expected Todd to be here, although when I remembered that this was his revenge on Serena, it only seemed natural that he would want to gloat. And he'd already said something that I was sure would land his father in a whole lot of hot water.
"Lorna Pee," he tried again. "Stupid girl wets the bed. I bet everybody will laugh at you when I tell them that. Lorna Pee smells like pee. I knew something smells bad in here."
I might have asked why he hadn't told everyone already. Of course, he already knew that nobody believed him. He wasn't respected like he used to be, and he was just clinging on to his memories of the days when it actually mattered if he wanted his gang to laugh at somebody. But whatever witty retort had been forming in my mind was rendered redundant when Todd let out a fart that would have been loud enough to drown out any words.
"I think that was you," Serena told him, and suddenly he was blushing too. But he still tried to defend himself.
"It's just the Punishment Pill!" He snapped back. "You can't say anything about that! It's not fair!"
"Like what you were just saying? I mean, everybody can hear your problem, you can't expect nobody to make a joke. But when you want to tease somebody, you went so far as asking the pharmacist which shot he gave her. Can't even think of your own insults without help from your dad. How pathetic is that?"
"So you–" Todd started again, the anger in his voice still building while the inspector tapped even faster at his tablet. He'd probably never seen a pharmacist shoot himself in the foot so enthusiastically before.
"Todd!" Becker yelled, stepping sharply out of the back room. "You don't need to be hanging around here while I'm at work. Go and spend some time with your friends."
"But Dad, I–"
"Go! You're creating an unprofessional atmosphere in the shop."
That was all the persuasion Todd needed, before he slunk off to wherever he could find the remains of his gang. I might have felt bad for him, if I hadn't seen what he'd done to Clint when he had the chance.
"Now," Becker turned to us with a grin like an alligator. "Miss Tong, I wouldn't like to leave you in here any longer than necessary. If you can come this way, we'll see what choices your designated adult has made."