Aleksi's PoV
The air between me and Iiris had changed and I felt guilty because of it. We were drunk that night and I don't even know what I was thinking when I took her back to the hotel and kissed her which led us to have sex. The only thing I know is the fact that I loved the feeling of her lips and body against mine. She was a gorgeous woman and I would lie if I was not tempted to touch her, but not like that.. Not while being drunk and not that soon after everything that has happened to her. I felt like a monster.. No matter how she tried to convenience me to believe that it was all her fault, that she was the one who led the conversation to that point where she mentioned sex, but I made the move. I should have known better but I still led my desires to drive us into this point, where we were pretending that everything was ok when I clearly saw that nothing was right anymore.
"So... We have.. Tampere on Friday, Pori on Saturday and... And... What was the next one?" Niko asked, biting the pen he was holding in his hand. It was Wednesday and the weekend ahead was going to be full of shows around the country. This time Iiris chose to stay at home even though I asked if she wanted to join us. Of course the long drives between the cities would not be too good for her back as she was not a fan of long rides anyway. That could of course be an excuse to stay away from me or there could be something else and by that I think that Rauli could have damaged her back somehow that she is not able to sit for long periods of time without being able to switch the position. But that was just my assumption.
"Turku on Sunday." Joonas answered and continued tuning his guitar. Joel was glued on his phone, he was probably scrolling all the messages in Instagram. Olli and Tommi were silently sitting around the table, drinking coffee and going through some emails. I was just staring out of the window and trying to figure out how to fix things with Iiris. We were still talking and spending time together but I could sense we were both alarmed by what happened and that just made me hate myself even more.
"Right.. Okay. So.. Looks like a busy weekend." Niko stated happily. He of course sounded like he was ready to jump on the stage right now and sure I was waiting for the gigs as well. And maybe being a few days away from home would help me and Iiris to get things back to normal. She probably needs some time to clear her mind about the night, I know I need it even though I am still a little scared to leave her home alone. But at the same time, being at home with her is another challenge for me because each time I see her, I want to feel her again and I know how wrong it is to even think like that. She is broken, she needs time to get over all the things that happened to her in the past and I should be smart enough to keep my hands away from her and not be the one creating more issues for her.
"Did you work with the new song, little man?" Joel suddenly asked, making me jump a little on my chair. I spun around to face the screen and went to the folder where I kept all the demos for the new songs.
"Yeah.. Here.. " I opened the one Joel was asking for and handed him the headphones. He took them but before putting them on, he looked at me and frowned a little like he was trying to read all the emotions in my face.
"What is it?" He then asked and leaned closer to me, supporting himself against the table with his hands. I bit my lip, not knowing what I should say but I knew that my distant behavior will create questions among the guys if I keep going on like this.
"Nothing.. "I tried to dodge the question but Joel seemed to have the ability to go through me and instead of putting the headphones on and focusing on the song, he put them down and looked at me.
"Let's get some coffee." He almost pulled me up from the chair and I had no other option than to follow his order because creating a scene here would only mean that I have to share the problem to everyone so maybe having a chat with him alone would not be that bad idea as it sounded in my mind. I took my jacket and followed Joel, who was already waiting for me by the door.
"Okay, what is it, Aleksi? You've been acting weird since Sunday morning and yes, I did notice it even though I was dying inside." He even sounded like a dad. Probably the family life had changed him so much that he was now actually paying attention to surroundings and on other people too and was able to see when things were not okay. Of course with Robyn he was always like that. She could just speak with a different tone and Joel already knew that she was not ok. And sure, he noticed when some of us were feeling down but he never dragged them out to talk about the problems or feelings in general. It was always Niko or Porko who did that.
"I tell you if you promise to keep your mouth shut... I don't want the others to know anything about it.." I kept my eyes on the coffee Joel bought me. He looked at me a little worried, giving me some flashbacks from the talk we had after he and Robyn got engaged. That was the last time I remember Joel caring about someone else's feelings.
"You have my word."
I sighed and tried to find a way how to tell him that the reason why me and Iiris left the bar earlier was the fact that we actually slept together. From the day I told them about Iiris they were all teasing me about having a crush on her and this would only prove it to them and all the denying would be for nothing.
"I slept with her.. "
"And you're so sad about it? I thought you liked her." Joel looked surprised, maybe a little shocked even.
"Well yeah..I mean.. She is great but.. It just.. It was not supposed to happen.. Not like that.. Not this soon.. She is acting like everything is fine but I can sense that it is bugging her just as much as it is bugging me.. No matter how much we talk about it and keep on ensuring each other that we're fine and let's just move on.. I can't.. I keep thinking back to the night but at the same time I keep blaming myself for what I did.. "
I have never, never in my life poured my heart out on Joel so once I let it all out, it felt so fucking weird that I did not even want the coffee anymore. Joel for sure was not expecting to hear what I just told him, at least not according to his expression. I had no idea what he was thinking.
"What has she said about it?"
"She blames herself.. She is sure she led the conversation somehow to that point but.. I had my role in it.. I feel like I used her.. " My heart was aching because of this. Knowing that she was just healing from a terrible relationship and now I sort of used her vulnerability or something like that. Not on purpose tho. But at that moment it just felt like I had to kiss her. That I had to feel her closer to me than I had felt her before and at that moment I know we both enjoyed it. I don't want to justify myself or my doings by thinking that she was loving the night because it sounds so wrong in my mind. I don't even know what she felt that night, we never talked about it because we were so busy pretending that nothing had changed between us. Maybe she hated it.. I know I enjoyed it but the more I think about what she might think about it, kind of erases all the pleasure of the memory.
"But did she push you away? Did she tell you to stop?" Joel asked while bringing his coffee mug closer to his lips. I shook my head as a no and looked out from the window. It was snowing again and the spring just seemed to be postponed this year. My mood was just as awful as the weather outside.
"So.. Neither of you stopped the action but now you're both feeling shit about it?" Joel asked to make sure he understood what I tried to tell him. I was so used to Porko being the one asking all these kinds of questions and not Joel, so having a therapy session with him felt so weird. Not in a bad way. I was happy that he noticed that I was not okay but I did not expect him to actually care this much.
"Something like that... I'm just clueless.. Maybe the weekend can fix something, we both have a little bit of time to think about what happened and what we should do next if there is anything to do at all.. I'm just afraid that I scare her away.. My house was supposed to be her safe place and now I crossed the line and she probably thinks that all men are the same.. I feel like I'm just like the others... " I didn't even know how to make things go back to normal. These few days have been okay but I saw how tense she was when I was around. Yes, we were talking and still living under the same roof but what if I took away the only place she felt safe.. What if she is thinking that I might kiss her again and cross the boundaries? What if I just ruined everything?
"Do you have feelings towards her?" Joel then dropped the bomb I was not expecting. Feelings? Did I have feelings towards Iiris? Not that I had asked that from myself like a million times during the past days. I feel like I'm going crazy with all these thoughts about feelings and Iiris..
"I guess.. I'm not sure.."
"How do you not know if you have feelings towards her or not?"
"Okay, I fucking have feelings towards her. I did not plan to have them but... She is constantly in my mind, I enjoy when she is around.. But it is all too soon.. I don't even know her that well yet but at the same time she is so open about her life which kind of means that I do know her but.. I don't know.. I don't know what to do.." I finally said it out loud, shocking myself too because this was the first time I made it clear to myself that I actually was having feelings towards her and now I was sure I had fucked up all my chances to even have her because of what happened. I don't want her to think that it was just a one night stand caused by some alcohol and emotional talks. She told me she was missing the feeling of being loved and I guess I wanted to show her that it is something I could give her. Just that it all happened on such bad timing. That is not the way to tell someone you actually care about them more than just as a friend and I know she is not ready to let anyone in yet...
"You know.." Joel started and emptied his coffee.
"Go home. Tell her how you feel.. And if she is not ready to answer your feelings, she will say it to you. But that, whatever thing that is going on between you guys right now, is going to kill you both.. " I have never heard any kind of relationship advice coming out from that man's mouth but I can be sure he knows what he is talking about. Robyn was the perfect example. Whatever happened at his place the night Robyn went to his and cheated on me with him, worked, because they were married now and another kid was on the way. Some could think it is weird how me and Joel still get along after everything, especially on a moment like this, but this is life.. And some people are part of your life and they mean something to you.
Half an hour later I stopped my car in my driveway, turned down the motor and took a deep breath. This was not the ideal moment of confessing my feelings to Iiris but if it was going to solve the case then I was ready to do so. I was nervous but it had to be done if I wanted to know what was going to happen between us. After a few minutes I got out of the car and made my way to the door. I opened it and stepped in but I did not see Iiris' shoes anywhere.
"Iiris?" I called her but the only one who reacted was Rilla. She walked to me so I crouched down and pet her, at the same time I was wondering where Iiris could be. She would have told me if she was about to go somewhere because she was still afraid that Rauli would find her, so she wanted to make sure I knew where she was. But this was weird. Few moments later I stood up and walked to the living room but she was not there either.
"Iiris?" I called her again, just in case but I got no answer. I did not even hear the shower running which would mean that she could not even hear me calling her name. Could she be brave enough to go out alone without telling me? Sighing I sat on the sofa and took out my phone. I chose her number but it did not connect.
"Weird..." Okay, maybe she was somewhere where the connection was just bad so I decided to call Robyn, maybe she knew where Iiris was.
"Aleksi, hey!" Robyn answered and I could hear Sophia speaking something in the background.
"Hey, umh. Is Iiris with you?"
"No.. Why?" Robyn's answer made me nervous. She was not with her, her phone is out of range and I have no idea where she is.
"She is not here... And she did not tell me either that she is going somewhere so.. " My legs started to tremble and all the worst scenarios came into my mind. What if she went out to the city and Rauli or Susanne saw her? What if he is beating the life out of her somewhere and I cannot do anything to help her.
"Okay.. Have you called the other girls yet?"
"Nope... But I will.. "
"Keep me updated, okay?" Robyn sounded worried and now I felt bad because I knew stress was not good for her.
"Sure." I ended the call and chose Miryam's number but she did not know anything about Iiris, neither did Pauline or Yasmin. I was getting more and more nervous and I did not know what to do. After staring at the wall for a minute I stood up and went to her room, to see if there was anything that would give me some hint of where she would be and when she would come back. But to my surprise the room was empty.
"What... ?" I switched on the lights to really see that there was nothing left of her. Not a single piece of clothing. Nothing. The only thing I finally noticed was on the bed and at the same moment Rilla walked to the room, a gray shirt between her teeth. I did not pay too much attention to the clothing right away, but I took the envelope which had my name written on it. I sat on the bed and opened it.
"Dear Aleksi..
First of all, this has nothing to do with the thing that happened between us on the weekend.. I had planned this for some time already and I just did not know how to tell it to you... But when you're reading this, I'm on a plane, on my way to France and then to Saint-Jean-Pied-de-Port from where I will start the walk towards Santiago de Compostela, which I've wanted to do for so long.. I need to clear my mind.. I need to find the person I was before things happened with Rauli.. I feel that I need to do it in a place where I know no one and no one knows me, and the walk is probably the best way to do it. And the most important, I need to figure out what I want from life.. Where I wanna be and with who I wanna be.. God, I'm crying while writing this because this hurts... You helped me a lot.. Without you I'd probably be dead already.. You're the first one who took the risk to help me out of that shit hole and I own my biggest thank you to you.. I wish I could say it to you in person but.. I'm sorry I did it this way... I'm sorry I left without telling you or the others anything.. But I just felt so terrible for leaving that it was easier for me to do it like this.. And also because I don't want this to be the last goodbye... The fact that I left for now doesn't mean that I won't come back.. I will.. I just don't know when.. And when I come, I hope to see you again and tell whether I managed to clear my mind or not.. And most important.. If I am ready to feel all the feelings you created that night.. They confused me at first. I was not sure if I was able to really feel anything this fast but you prove me wrong. But before I'm able to even think about any kind of feelings, I need to be sure that I'm completely free from the past.. Please don't blame yourself for it.. Also, Rilla stole my Nirvana shirt... Again, I'm sorry I left like this but please understand that this is something I need to do in order to continue my life..
With love,
Iiris
Ps. I left the key under the doormat.. "
A/N: Uh oh... Poor Aleksi.. Just when he was about to make his move,...