Life moves fast. Before we knew it, our vow renewals were a distant memory and a return to normal life had hit us like a sack of bricks. Leah's business was now in the best place it had been in since the beginning, her latest launch had sold out within sixteen minutes of going live, something she desperately needed to rebuild her confidence after a shambolic transport holdup had caused multiple negative reviews. Of course, none of that was the fault of Leah, but it was her business and therefore, she felt responsible.
Leah was due home at 5pm, but recently her arrivals ranged from 5pm-9pm. I didn't mind though, once she retired from football I continued to tour, leaving her for months on end without me; I owed this to her. I would be lying though if I said it wasn't difficult, not from the perspective of the children but trying to find things to do with my time, being used to having Leah there. She would often come home to find me cleaning something that didn't need cleaned, or restringing a guitar for no reason at all. Some nights, it would get too much for me and I wouldn't mean to, but I wouldn't be able to stop my body from resenting her. This was one of those nights.
"Will Mummy be home to read us a story?" Theo asked as he loaded his plate into the dishwasher.
"I'll ask her, mate. Hopefully." I smiled.
Alex
Kids are wanting to know if you'll be home for a story?
Leah
Yes, I told them I would last night. All okay?
Alex
Yeah, see you soon x
"Mummy will be home for a story."
I was met with the loud sound of cheers, their smiles contagious as they danced around the house. Leah didn't arrive home, though. I tried to distract them by playing games, making hot chocolate, and even having a dance off, but their faces told a story I had never wanted them to. This was something Leah and I had spoken about extensively, not letting our children ever have to wonder why we didn't come home, why we weren't there; we had always said that they would never go to bed thinking they were unimportant, that night they felt unimportant and I could do nothing to make it better.
By the time Leah arrived home, the kids were already asleep. She looked stressed, wittering on about some material issue that meant a batch was unusable and trading laws in another country preventing the shipment, I couldn't have cared less in that moment. I let her continue, still caring enough about her to know she needed to rant, but caring enough about the kids to know that Leah had wronged them.
"Yeah the kids are fine, don't worry, Leah." I said, a sarky tone to my voice.
"I was just about to ask, I'll be home for them going to bed tomorrow night." Leah sighed.
"Will you though? Or will it be another night when something goes wrong? Another night that they'll wait for you, only to go to bed with tears in their eyes because they were less important than your business again?"
"That's not fair, Alex."
"What's not fair is them going to bed without you there to tuck them in -"
"Oh yeah because you've always been there. You weren't half way around the world while I scrubbed football boots, plaited hair, cleaned up sick, did all the things your career was too important for you to do!" Leah shouted over the top of me.
"Wow."
"Alex, I didn't -"
"No, Leah. You did."
Fighting with Leah wasn't what I was trying to achieve, but both of us were clearly emotional at that point. I decided to take myself to bed and leave Leah to clear her head before we spoke again, but I must've fallen asleep. I was woken by the bed moving with Leah's body climbing into it, my eyes opened slightly as I looked up at her, her eyes were heavy, redness giving away that she had been upset. I opened my arms out to her, her body climbing into them and head resting on my chest.
"Aren't you going to say anything, Alex?"
"Not tonight, but I will always hold you when you're upset, Le."
— — — —
Leah made more of an effort to be home on time for the next week or two, despite the fact we had never discussed what had been said that night. She would put the children to bed and then open her laptop, or her phone and work tirelessly, leaving me to go to bed most nights on my own. Was this how she felt? I knew it would've been best to communicate with her, but I worried that she might pack it all in if she thought I was suffering, and I was mindful that I felt empty because I had now been left with nothing better to do. I began to become paranoid, noticing her phone chiming at 11pm, her little smiles as she read the messages, and how she put so much effort into getting ready for work.
November 12th, after weeks of feeling sick when Leah left for work, or calling her for stupid reasons and feeling an intense jealousy when she didn't answer, Leah had finally gotten into bed beside me just after midnight. She fell asleep almost instantly, leaving me staring at the ceiling wondering if I was being ridiculous. Ping. Without my brain having time to divert them, my eyes fell to the phone screen.
Eleanor
I'm thinking of you x
Surely not?
On November 28th, we went to the launch of her latest range, to say I felt horrific was an understatement. I felt like a washed up musician, clinging to the success of their wife for some kind of gratification. Every item of clothing I had put on had felt uncomfortable, despite Leah's protests that I looked 'fine'. Fine. By the time we arrived, my head was thumping and my eyes felt like they could fill with tears at any moment. Leah took my hand to walk through the swarms of paparazzi, leading me into the venue that was occupied with everyone she worked with, including Eleanor.
"Hi, you must be Alex. It's so lovely to meet you, I'm Eleanor. Leah's right arm as she calls me." She laughed.
Without meaning to I let out an overly sarcastic ha, earning me a glare from Leah.
"Yeah, nice to meet you. Leah has told me so much about you." I quipped, making an obvious dig at Leah about the person I had never heard of.
"We don't talk much about work." Leah smiled, grabbing my hand tighter and pulling me through the crowd.
"Leah - let go!" I whispered.
"What the fuck are you doing?" Leah whispered, anger in her voice but a smile on her face.
"I'm not doing anything." I shrugged.
"Whatever it is - stop it."
I raised my hands in the arm by way of I'm out and walked towards the crowd to mingle with the guests I knew. I could feel Leah's eyes piercing holes in the side of my head, but not in the usual way. Usually, it was affectionate, loving even, but tonight it was to keep an eye on me; make sure I didn't out her second affair perhaps?
I watched as Leah and Eleanor let their hair down on the dance floor, as Eleanor followed her to the bar to top up their drinks, and as Leah just pretended I didn't exist. I slipped outside, no one even noticing I had left as I flagged down a taxi and headed for home. I smiled as I walked inside, seeing the house lined with the children's belongings and hoping that the night would go quickly so I could have them back in my arms in the morning. I opened the patio doors and sat out the back staring up to the sky, wondering if my parents had watched Leah fall in love with someone else, again. I was in a world of my own until a hand on my back and a gentle whisper brought me back to reality.
"You missing them, Al?" Leah whispered, her hand now running circles on my back.
"Yep."
"Why didn't you tell me you were leaving? I would've come with you."
"You looked like you were fine on your own - with Eleanor or whatever her name is." I spat out.
"Having fun with other people will never stop me coming home to you, Alex."
In the heat of the moment, I interpreted this in a totally different way than Leah had meant it. Immediately standing to my feet and swatting her hand away from me, I felt tears forming in my eyes.
"Is that what you think I am? Just sitting here waiting for your return? You can do what you want with other people but as long as you come home here then it's fine? Fucking hell. FUCK!" I shouted, unable to control my emotions.
"Alex, what are you on about?" She questioned, trying to step towards me.
"Don't come near me."
"Alex, babe. What is going on?"
"You. Thinking you can do this to me all over again." I began to cry before going inside and burying myself into the sofa, pulling the throw around me.
"Alex, do what to you again?"
"What is it? Because I forgave you for Harriet, you think I'll forgive you again? I will though, won't I? I will forgive you because I don't know how to be without you."
"What has Harriet got to do with any of this? Why are you even bringing her up?" Leah's voice became raised.
In that moment I thought Leah was just playing stupid, trying to throw me off the scent. I turned into the back of the sofa, not even attempting to answer her. I let my tears fall, silently. After Leah's rise in volume, I had expected her to storm off to bed, instead I felt her shuffle onto the sofa behind me, her right arm squeezed under my neck to wrap around me, her left wrapping around my stomach. It was a few minutes before Leah spoke again.
"I didn't realise what you were trying to say before, Alex. I would never, ever cheat on you. I would never jeopardise what we have."
I still didn't speak, I'm not sure I believed her.
"You and the kids are everything to me, I know I've been busy recently. I know I haven't been around a lot, but it's just been one thing after another. I'm trying to give you all something to be proud of."
Proud of? What's the point in us being proud if she isn't around to see our pride? Just stay quiet, Alex.
"I would give it all up tomorrow, for you. For them. Eleanor has been trying to convince me to not sell the business off. She's been working night and day to help me find ways of making it easier."
"What? Sell it? Why?" I turned to face her, eyes wide.
"Because I'm not good at it, Alex. I can't manage my time, I can't be a mum and run a business and I'm okay with that. I'm okay with just being a Mum - and a wife."
"Why didn't you speak to me? I could've helped?"
"And say what? That you believed in me and now I've let you down?"
"You could never let me down, Le. Well, unless you have been sleeping with Eleanor." I chuckled.
"I have not been sleeping with Eleanor, Al." Leah chuckled back.
"I'm sorry. Why was she thinking of you in the middle of the night?"
"What - when? How do you know what she was thinking? Are you sleeping with her?"
"Very funny. She text you. I'm thinking of you. Why was she thinking of you in the middle of the night, she's not allowed." I puffed.
"She had her own business, gave it up to look after her Mum. She knows how it feels. She knew how I felt about letting you down, about the kids seeing me fail. That's all she will have meant, I don't even remember that text though, if I'm being honest."
"They won't see you fail, because you aren't failing. You aren't selling."
"I don't see any other way, Al."
"Okay." I smiled.
"Okay?"
"Okay. You can sell. In two weeks." I placed my head on her chest.
"Why in two weeks?" Leah chuckled.
"If I haven't convinced you in two weeks, then you can sell. Okay?"
"Okay, Mrs Surprise." Leah pulled me closer, her body relaxing.
I still needed to tell Leah how empty I felt, but I had to stop her selling the business before I could do that. She would always come first.