Ireland was a place I had never forgotten, it was the final resting place of my parents and had been the beginning of my life; a life that led me to where I was today, a place I will forever be grateful for.
Despite my love for Ireland, I have always been ashamed to say that it was not a place I would be comfortable starting a family in, nor a place that always made me proud to talk about my roots. It was a country that had been torn apart by hatred, especially in the North. A place that had been forever divided by politics, one half wanting to be governed by the republic, the other wanting to be governed by the United Kingdom. Brexit had greatly impacted this, escalating things further than we had ever anticipated when we stood by the ballot boxes all those years ago; false promises and a lack of clarity from our political leaders had led many people to believe they were voting, whichever way they decided, for something that would benefit both them and the generations that would come after them.
As the years went on, it had only become more divided. The revenue that was brought in by Qatar during the men's World Cup in 2022 had shifted the minds of those that had been beginning to become more open-minded in terms of human rights, showing them that you could be that way and still be respected. Politicians became more comfortable speaking negatively of women, and those of 'alternative' sexualities. Of course, it broke my heart to read on the news just how torn apart the country I had spent the earliest years of my life in had become, but I couldn't do anything to help it. I could speak out, which I did multiple times, but what difference did my voice make? Every night I would scroll the news, often welling up as I witnessed the catastrophic events that were taking place back home.
Belfast shook by another paramilitary attack just three days after the last.
Can the divide in Northern Ireland politics ever be fixed?
Thousands to go cold and hungry this winter as Stormont executive is brought down again.
The DUP have vowed that the law passed to allow same sex couples to marry will be abolished by 'as early as spring'.
Sinn Fein have vowed 'the only way forward is to Unite Ireland. Those who don't want it can leave'.
"How can they do this?" I said as I turned my phone towards Gavin.
"It's sickening, I'm just thankful none of our kids aren't growing up there."
"They need to fix it."
"How do they do that though? With the people so divided, how do they do it? No matter what happens, Protestants will always hate Catholics and Catholics will always hate Protestants." Gavin shrugged.
"That's the problem though. What were you taught in school? About all this?"
"Not very much. Mostly just like oh we bombed each other and we still are." He chuckled, a common theme with people from home.
"Same. If it hadn't been for me enjoying the music from other cultures, I could so easily have been one of those people that hates someone because of their religion." I sighed.
"You're too nice to be that way." Gavin smiled.
"Not all of the people who think like that are bad people though. That's my point, some of them just don't know any better."
— — — —
After my conversation with Gavin, the bad news from home just kept rolling in. I thought of the children, if we had this life but in Ireland, what would it be like for them? London was somewhere that celebrated people for being individuals, very few two people were dressed the same, no one asked what your religion was, Theo was free to have his own interests, and Aoife was able to play football for a proper team, with proper investment.
Finn's 1st birthday party was a day filled with laughter and celebration, a day that Leah and I had both wondered during his birth if it would ever come. He had spent the first few months of his life at constant physio appointments, and even had a small surgery to fix the nerves that had been damaged. As the last of the guests left, with Finn already sound asleep and Aoife and Theo now in bed too, I flopped onto the sofa, waiting patiently for Leah to join me. The smell of red wine brushed across my nose as Leah passed, a smile as she handed it to me with a finally slipping through her lips. I took a sip from the glass, clutching it to my chest as my head found Leah's shoulder. We discussed the party, recalling the year that Finn had experienced, and how we hoped that every year would be as happy for him as this one had. The conversation moved on to Aoife's upcoming match, then to Theo's space camp that he was due to attend for an overnight stay, and then onto Leah's new plans for her business; I could listen to her talk all night long about the things she's passionate about.
Just as we poured a second glass of wine, my phone rang zapping us both out of the deep conversation we were engaged in.
"Hey Lyds."
"Hey Alex, got a proposition for you. Tough one though."
"Hit me."
"Concert on Friday, in Belfast. It's a load of artists coming together to try promote peace."
"What's tough about that? It's an obvious yes?" I asked, confused.
"You don't know how many of your fans are for and against it. Could lose you a lot of support."
"There's no question in it. Tell them it's a yes."
"You're sure, Alex?"
"I'm sure."
I informed Leah of my decision, who was immediately in agreement that this could potentially be the biggest performance of my career. We talked of song choices, but nothing that I had seemed right, nothing seemed to convey the message that I wanted to send to the people who deserved to live in the safe environment that I had grown up in.
"I'm going to just write something new." I told Leah.
"Okay." Leah smiled at me.
"What? You're not going to say it's two days away, Alex just pick something you have?"
"No." She smiled again.
"Lydia will say that." I laughed.
"Probably. Lydia doesn't know you like I do though."
"No?"
"Nope." Leah said with a cheeky smile on her face.
"What do you know that she doesn't?"
"That you can totally write a song in two days."
"What else?"
"That you really like it when I sit like this." Leah smirked as she moved onto my lap, legs each side of mine and her lips touching mine.
"What else?" I whispered.
"That there's this little part of your neck that distracts you every time." She whispered as she brushed her fingertips from my shoulder to just underneath my ear.
"Leah." I breathed out.
Leah finally placed her lips on mine, moving her hands from my neck to my waist and pulling me closer to her. Just as my fingers gripped her top to pull it over her head, a creak came from above us. Leah threw her head back and exhaled loudly.
"Mummyyyyyyyyyyyy." We heard Theo from the bedroom.
"Every fucking time." Leah chuckled.
"Mummy!" Theo shouted again.
"Coming now, mate." I shouted back.
"I'll lock up." Leah rolled her eyes as I pecked her lips and headed to sort Theo.
— — — —
By Thursday night, I was severely regretting my decision to write a new song for Friday's gig, nothing seemed fitting for the occasion, and nothing could summarise the troubles in a few lines.
"Fuck sake."
"Mummy!" Aoife scoffed.
"Sorry Aoifs, I'm struggling here."
"What's so hard about this one?"
"I don't know, I just want it to be perfect." I sighed.
"It will be, Mummy. You just need to remember how good you are at writing songs, like the one you wrote about Mum." She smiled.
"Yeah. You're right. Thank you."
Aoife gave me a hug before disappearing to plague Leah about some handbag Leah had promised to donate to her after her time with Gucci. I thought of her words, the one you wrote about Mum, remembering how I had done that. I pulled out a new piece of paper, deciding to write down five buzzwords; five words that had to be in the song.
Flags
Nationalities
Differences
Fight
Hate
Almost like I had heard the song a thousand times over, I suddenly began to piece together line after line, forming a full chorus first and then each verse. I picked up my guitar, playing around with a few different speeds and different approaches, finally settling on what I thought sounded like the best out of the three. I decided to go over it one last time, needing to now memorise the lines of a song that didn't exist an hour ago.
Throw fear aside regrowth can come along.
As I sang the final line, I heard multiple woo's and hands clapping, turning to see Leah and the kids standing at the door to my studio; Leah's smile reminding me of the first day she watched me perform.
"You did it, Mummy!" Aoife grinned, running towards me with her arms out with Theo following behind her.
"I don't really understand it but it sounds really good, Mummy." Theo chuckled.
"I hope you never have to, either of you." I said as I kissed their heads.
"Did you say a swear word earlier?" Theo asked.
"No, who said that?"
"You did! You big liar!" Aoife chuckled.
"I did not! You made that up." I tickled her.
"I heard you." Theo said, obviously wanting tickled too.
After five minutes of mummy please stop I can't breathe I eventually let them free and admitted to the accidental swear word from earlier. That left just Leah and I stood metres apart in my studio, the smile never leaving her face.
"You really are the best Mum in the world you know, Alex."
"So are you."
"That song is perfect."
"So are you." I said again.
"You're going to be my wife all over again."
"So are you." I said a final time.
— — — —
The lights dimmed, my guitar strapped across my shoulder and nothing but a miracle could help me to remember the words of a song that was less than 24 hours old. I felt the lights brighten slightly letting me know it was time to begin, they had brightened just enough that I could see Leah sat in the crowd with that proud grin on her face as always.
And I wonder why
We seem to be
More concerned with our flags
And nationalities
Oh, then we are
With unity or love
More concerned with our differences
In different Gods above
And out of all these books that I forgot
Drawn way too harsh in worries of what I'm not
Saying how this feels when it comes to
Comes to being close to you
And I will fight for this
Stand for right over wrong as
Our old trees are burning down
And I will write for this country I adore
And we can come together now
And I will stand beside you, won't let hate reside here
Lock hands together in the crowd
And we will fight for this country we adore
In hard times each of us know how
Throw fear aside, regrowth can come along
And I wonder why
We seem to be
More concerned with selling water to private companies
Oh, than we are
With the health of
The rivers where we're drinking from
The land that's free and young
And out of all that you are trying to stop
Free speech and thought protests
Against poor plots
Is how this feels when it comes to
That you are me and I am you
And I will fight for this
Stand for right over wrong as
Our old trees are burning down
And I will write for this country I adore
And we can come together now
And I will stand beside you, won't let hate reside here
Lock hands together in the crowd
And we will fight for this country we adore
In hard times each of us know how
Throw fear aside, regrowth can come along, come along
And I know where we belong
I know where, I
I know where we belong
I know where, I
I know where we belong
I know where, together
I know where we belong
I know where, together
I know where we belong
I know where, together
I know where we belong
I know where, together
I know where we belong
I know where, together
I know where we belong
I know where
And I will fight for this
Stand for right over wrong as
Our old trees are burning down
And I will write for this country I adore
And we can come together now
And I will stand beside you, I won't let hate reside here
Lock hands together in the crowd
And we will fight for this country we adore
In hard times each of us know how
Throw fear aside, regrowth can come along
Throw fear aside, regrowth can come along
Throw fear aside, regrowth can come along
"Alex Ryan-Williamson everyone! Come here you!" Yasmin Lynch, the presenter called out as I ended the song.
"Thanks everyone!" I smiled to the crowd, all of whom were on their feet.
"New track?"
"Yes. I thought for such a good cause I should give you all something new."
"What is it about this night that you think is so special?"
"I guess it's the message behind it. I grew up just outside of Belfast, all of my youngest memories are here and I want to be able to say that and hear people say oh, I love it there, rather than wow it's so dangerous there. I want to feel safe bringing my children here, showing them where their Nanny and Granda came from, where I came from."
"What do you think will help change, Alex?"
"Education. I've been saying this for so long, but I've done nothing about it. It's about time people like me stopped sitting back. I have a platform, and I'm going to use it. Let's educate our school children about the political divide in this country, let's allow them to make their own mind up as to who they vote for."
"Is that something you'd be willing to pledge your support to tonight, Alex?"
"Absolutely." I smiled.
"You just keep getting better and better." She chuckled.
— — — —
And that's what I did. The following morning, we reached out to anyone that we needed to in order to get the ball rolling. A petition was put online, eventually gaining enough signatures to be brought to debate. The benefits of education wouldn't be seen until those kids were old enough to vote, but it was a start. A start to knowing, no matter what the result, the outcome of an election was based on personal opinion, rather than postcodes.
— — — —
Six Months Later
"What do you think, Theo?" I asked.
"The purple one." He smiled.
"Are you scared?" Aoife asked.
"Of course I am, what if she says no?"
"She won't!" The two giggled.
"Right, you know what you have to do?"
"Yes! We know!" Aoife laughed harder.
"Okay... ring, music, children, football... let's go!" I exhaled.
"I'm so excited! C'mon Finn." Theo said as he followed behind me with his hand proudly linked with his younger brother.
I know Leah said she would ask me, but that didn't mean I couldn't get there first.