This was really it, wasn't it?
My lashes fluttered closed, taking a moment to bask in the silence that filled the room. Shizu-chan had fallen asleep long ago and now soon it would be morning.
The edge of my lip caught between my teeth as I opened my eyes to stare down at my body. I was breaking in layers, little sections of mist placed delicately to fade before I'd even noticed.
My hand grazed against the fabric of my shirt, pinching at the hem before I peeked under it for what felt like the hundredth time that night. Nothing had changed, my torso had still vastly faded.
My clothing had gotten a few tones thinner too, blending with the air just a smidge more, I can only hope Shizuo won't notice too soon.
I can only hope I'll have enough time.
I huffed a smile as I looked back at Shizu-chan's sleep-frowned face. It was nice to be in here at night, of course ignoring the creep factor of watching someone sleep for so long- But besides that it was peaceful. Comforting.
Less lonely.
I slid myself to the side of his bed, leaning just far enough that I could get a better look at his sleeping expression.
My lips pinched together to hold back a snicker.
Shizuo had sluggishly moved around in the night to where he was now only half covered in his blankets with a cheek smashed into the comfort of his pillow.
I watched carefully, quiet as if even breathing too loud could wake the blond up. I took every little detail into the seams of my memory, storing it with care as I smiled at the blond disarray casting across his pillow and the light rise and fall of his uncovered chest.
Peeking at the barely functioning alarm clock resting on his bedside table, I hummed, it would be seven soon, which meant sunrise.
I took a deep breath, debating between going back to the window or staying by Shizu-chan's side a little longer.
Languidly, I sat on the ground with my back against the bed, tucking one knee up to rest my chin on. I can see out the window just fine from here.
I bit back a smile, a childish thrill thrumming my mind as I peeked back up at Shizuo again. All night I've been thinking about two polar opposites that have muddled my thoughts into a mess.
I was excited for today- And utterly terrified.
I would have never thought I'd be able to experience something so pure, so uplifting, and welcoming in a way that I could throw myself into without being afraid of being shattered.
Today I was going to spend as much time as I can with Shizu-chan. I'd make the most of it. I'd make up for all that time I'd sat alone at a desk staring at a massive pane of glass, all those times I stared down at the crowd from the high above, all those times I fell asleep alone without knowing what it was I was missing.
Today would be simple. Today would be Shizu-chan and I, and that would be it. And honestly, after everything that's happened as of late, I'm more than happy with spending my final day like that.
A glow clipped off the window, casting the room in a faint light as the sun began to rise.
I grasped my hands together to stop them from shaking.
My final day. I'd be spending my final day today.
I forced a swallow and took a deep breath, taking careful attention as the room grew lighter and lighter from the sun.
The sound of shuffling sheets met my ear as Shizuo grumbled, still asleep as he moved to stretch his limbs even further out.
My eyes rolled and I felt a smile dipped with something so foreign, so fond, curl on my lips.
I don't have much time left, Shizuo. I'm not sure if time or your words will be my undoing but I know there's nothing I can do to avoid this. I've cheated death for far too long and even though I'm scared- I know there's nothing I can do but enjoy today together with you to make sure we both remember it as something good. Maybe even great.
I want to be able to tell you.
I want to forget my worries, stress, and fear and just hear you say those words. I want to hear you say what I could only hope to hear from anybody, to hear with your own voice something I've never thought possible. And I want to be able to tell you that I feel the same.
I don't even know when it started. Maybe when you tried washing my grave? Or when we'd watch ridiculous shows together and bicker over home renovation choices? Perhaps way back when he dragged me through town just to find my sisters and prove that people did care?
That you were one of those few who cared?
A laugh of defeat tumbled out and my forehead thumped to rest on my knee.
You want to know a secret Shizu-chan? I've always been frightened by the thought of dying. I know it sounds silly, redundant even, but it's always been something that unnerved me. Something that would leave me staring at my ceiling in the night thinking of the possibility of my death, questioning what comes after, and trying to brush it off with a lying promise of my own invincibility.
Of being a god.
It feels stupid looking back on it but one thing still stays the same. I'm still terrified of death but I don't think I could ever tell you that.
Did you know that I've gained a new fear though?
My eyes fluttered as the sun fully cast light across the room, adding a glow that left specks of dust in the air visible.
I'm afraid of leaving you alone. I'm afraid that all I'll do is make your turmoil worse by saying I feel the same, by opening up bit by bit to you, by giving you hope, right as I leave you. Right as you realize I've lied to you, kept secrets from you because I'm selfish.
My finger twitched as it carefully rose, fading amongst the air as I reached towards Shizuo's limp hand hanging half off his mattress. I felt nothing when our fingers grazed.
I sighed, sagging my shoulders as I smiled up at his sleeping face, whispering, "I'm sorry Shizuo."
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"Shi-zu-chan," Every syllable was purred out by the shell of my ear. I groaned and shoved my face further into the plush oh-so-welcoming warmth of my pillow.
"Shizu-chan, wake up, it's already four in the afternoon!" A voice whined.
I blinked a few times, cringing at the sun that was so bright I clenched my eyes back shut with a cringe. I groaned, couldn't I sleep a little longer? After all, it was only-
Wait.
Four in the afternoon?
I shot up from my bed, chucking the covers off my body as I whipped around to look at the clock.
8:59.
That little shit.
I hung my head and sighed as Izaya snickered.
"Was that really necessary Flea?" I grumbled, fumbling to grab my bedding off the floor so that I could make a half-effort of being clean.
"Of course," The flea tilted his head, tone entirely innocent as he bounded to stand at the side of me.
Satisfied with a lazy attempt that looked something similar to a made bed, I stretched my arms into the air until I felt a satisfying pop and sighed.
Lazily I lowered my arms and paused when I noticed the marks imprinted on my skin from the folds in the blankets. Damn, I must have slept like the dead.
Certainly felt like it.
I made a half-intelligent grunt as I pet my hair, trying to tame the unruly locks as my mind swayed between the idea of going back to sleep and forcing myself to get ready.
"So Shizu-chan, is there anything specific you want to do today?" Izaya hummed.
Today?
I blinked slowly at him for a moment, piecing the words together as my mind caught up to here and now. It clicked.
Holy shit- Today!
My eyes widened and I froze. Plans poured into my mind as I thought of anything and everything. What should I wear? Where should we go? Does he have somewhere specific he wants to go? I had some ideas last night but maybe Izaya wants to go somewhere different-
Red eyes popped into view as Izaya slid to stand in front of me, "Shizu-chan?" He tilted his head.
"Uh, we could go to that one bookstore..?" I cringed at the awkward sound of my voice. But any thought of my horribly un-suave tone was thrown out the window when I caught the glimmer in Izaya's eye.
"You want to go to a bookstore?"
"Mhm, you like them don't you? You liked going the last two times so I figured..." I rubbed at my neck.
Izaya took a quick step back and nodded, eyes flickering around the room for a moment, "Yea, I'd like that. Is there anywhere you'd like to go as well?"
I watched as Izaya fidgeted from inside his pockets and hummed, half-dazed. I wasn't sure what to even say, stuck in a trance of watching Izaya stare back as I blanked on what to say, how to act.
"Uh," I croaked, "Anywhere you want to go is fine."
Izaya didn't seem impressed, "So you don't care at all where we go?" His brow raised.
"No, I just don't care where as long as..." The words died out into a whisper.
"As long as?" His jacket swayed as he slanted his hip.
I cleared my throat, "As long as I'm with you."
Silence settled in the air as Izaya gazed up at me. In a wave of puffed-out smoke, Izaya spun on his heel to face away from me and shook his head, "Shizu-chan, that was so cheesy."
I grumbled, embarrassment eating my blood, "I was just being honest..." Fuck, I need to shut up before I embarrass myself more than I already have.
"Well there are a few different places we could visit, maybe we could stop by a bakery?" Izaya was still turned away as he spoke, but I could hear the hint of nerves straining his voice.
I wasn't fairing much better myself, "A bakery?"
"Yea, so you could get a dessert?" He raised his brow and peeked over his shoulder. I opened my mouth to agree but stopped short as I zeroed in on a certain color that caught my eye.
"Izaya..." I grinned.
"What?" His voice sounded like it always did, but he was still faced away, head lolling around as if he was absently looking at the bedroom's decor.
"Are you blushing?" I leaned to the side to get a better look, my grin only grew bigger when I saw Izaya's shoulders raise.
Izaya stayed silent and tilted his head away, "Y'know you snore in your sleep, Shizu-chan."
"Don't change the subject, Flea."
"Just saying, It's very loud."
My shoulders shook as I kept locked on the light red dusting Izaya's ear. It was safe to say Izaya was being adorable and I couldn't get enough of it. If embarrassing myself by saying lame high school pick-up lines made Izaya react like this then I was ready to throw my pride away.
I stifled a laugh, forcing it into a mangled cough to try and hide the sound.
"Wah- Shizu-chan, are you laughing?" Izaya squawked and whirled around, small curls of black smoke pricking off his jacket as he turned. His cheeks and nose had bloomed completely red.
I slapped a hand over my mouth and turned away to catch my breath. That is so fucking adorable.
"You are! Stop!" Izaya whined and leaned over with his hands covering his face, "This is the stupidest thing- We are grown adults!"
I batted at the air, "It's just- It's so damn adorable!"
Izaya groaned into his hands and I couldn't help but snort when I realized I could still faintly see his red face through his hands, "Stop!" He hissed, "This is ridiculous, it's so dumb!"
"Who fucking cares? I never imagined I'd see you blush like this so I'm soaking this in," Seeing Izaya so completely open and embarrassed was something I'd never imagined, but now that I've seen it, I think I might be addicted.
Izaya's shoulders rose and fell with a deep breath before he slowly lowered his hands to glare at me. I only grinned back. I had to admit it felt good to be on this side of our little spiel, I think I could see a little of what Izaya found so entertaining about riling someone up.
The flea straightened his shoulders and collected himself for a moment, self-assurance pouring into his posture as he pinched the bridge of his nose, "Just get dressed Shizu-chan, I'll be in the living room waiting."
I watched as he shuffled quickly through the still-closed door and couldn't help a fond smile from showing, not that I really cared.
Damn, I'm really looking forward to today, aren't I?
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The roads were huddled with people of all sorts, each minding their business a far distance away from me as I cut a path through the sidewalk. I tilted my head, lazily taking a breath of smoke as I looked down at Izaya walking at my side.
If anybody were to see the two of us like this, they might scream, probably duck for cover and wait for chaos. Maybe even start questioning their sanity, Ikebukuro's two most feared men clad in their signature black and white outfits were walking side by side.
On a date.
I rubbed at the back of my neck and smiled at my shoes.
The morning had been slow and comfortable. I had showered and dressed and just as Izaya had said, he'd been waiting in the living room for me. Then I made a small breakfast along with a milk-filled coffee, like every morning.
We bantered, talked, and teased.
Izaya even flipped the channel to one of those luxury home renovation shows that tumbled into an onslaught of bickering between our different interior styles and much to my horror, realizing just how much money Izaya used to make. We barely caught on to how much time had passed.
Honestly, I wouldn't have wanted to spend my morning any other way.
We decided to leave a bit before noon, setting out into the streets of Ikebukuro. One foot stretching in front of the other as we wandered through different roads aimlessly. Throughout the whole morning, we'd gotten so distracted that we hardly discussed plans.
"So Shizu-chan, where to first?" Izaya said, tilting his head to the side to peer up at me.
"Why not that bookstore? Since it's close by?"
"Alright," He hummed, "What type of books do you like anyway?"
"I don't really read much."
"Can't say I'm surprised," Izaya grinned. I glared.
The roads were pretty busy, feet shuffling over each other to push their way past the crowds. Some were in a hurry, others were tourists taking their sweet time to stall the flow. Some of the said tourists were staring straight at me with their phones raised high and eyes were blown wide, dead on their feet.
I frowned.
Carefully, I plucked my cigarette from between my lips and looked down to focus on the flea.
"I always liked fiction books better when I was in school."
"That's a pretty broad subject, Shizu-chan," Izaya's eyes pinched, shaking his head with a lopsided smirk.
"Well I dunno, what's your favorite?"
"Hmm, well there's thrillers, horror, psychology, dramas, folktales are certainly interesting," Izaya counted on his fingers, "Oh! Poetry is good too."
I perked up, "Wait- Poetry?"
"Yup," He grinned, "In all its flowery, dramatic glory, I find it interesting to nitpick at what they mean every once in a while."
"Huh, I don't think I could imagine you sitting in your big fancy apartment reading about poetry."
"I won an award in school for writing a piece y'know," He shrugged and his jacket jumped with his shoulders.
"No fucking way."
His lips stretched wider and he raised his chin, "Yup." He practically purred.
"Do you still remember what you wrote?"
Our steps moved a little out of sync, my stride longer than his as he kept his feet light, almost skipping from foot to foot, like a bird. I snorted at the image.
Izaya stuffed his hands into his pockets, "It was a while ago, but I'm pretty sure, yeah."
"Tell me it!" Curiosity sparked my mind, wondering what a young Izaya had been thinking about, what words he'd poured over that had gripped the teacher's hearts so fully that he'd won an award for it.
"Absolutely not."
Completely shut down. My shoulders slumped.
We turned a corner, filling out into streets that managed to hold even more people. Faintly I could hear their whispers, clicks of 'strongest man' on their tongues with the black of their cameras aimed at my face. I ignored them all.
"Why not? It can't be that bad- You were just bragging about the fact you won an award for it!" I chomped down on my cigarette, teeth gnawing at the paper as I nodded to myself.
"Nope!" He laughed, eyes casting over the crowd in what looked like an absent brush but I knew was so much more. "Ne, Shizu-chan?"
"Hm?"
"Let's go in there first," He stretched his finger toward a small convenience store, at the corner of the block.
"Uh, sure? But why do you-"
"People are beginning to think you're crazy."
I frowned, my cigarette drooping along with my lips as I looked around. There were more stares than usual, more whispered voices, and nervous glances as people tried to video without gaining attention.
Each and every one squeaked when my eyes glazed over their faces.
"So? They stare all the time, Izaya."
The whispers only got louder when I said his name.
"I don't think adding, 'talking to yourself,' to your list of abnormalities for people to gossip about is a good idea, Shizu-chan," His tone got quieter, almost as if the onlookers could hear him too if he spoke too loud, "C'mon, I have an idea."
My brows furrowed, I followed after Izaya's heels towards the corner store and snuffed out my cigarette. The door opened with a chipper chime, followed by the dead stare of a tired employee that managed to rot any happiness the door's welcoming bell could have brought.
Izaya weaved through the isles as if he knew the layout like the back of his hand. Humming a random tune as he scanned the shelves.
"Ah, here we go," He stepped to the side to reveal his genius plan.
"Earphones?"
"Mhm."
I blinked at him, taking note of the proud twitch of his face as he blinked back.
"What am I supposed to do with a cheap pair of earphones?"
"Wear them of course," He paused, looking expectantly, "Only in one ear though." Izaya crouched to look closely at one of the packaged items. "People will think you're on your phone and you can continue to talk aloud without a care in the world."
"I was talking to you without a care in the world just fine before," I scoffed.
Red eyes peeked over a fur-covered shoulder, "Sure, sure, go on ahead. And then people will post videos claiming you've lost your sanity, which then leads to people you know seeing it, which then leads to you getting a gentle phone call from your brother who thinks you should go stay with him for little awhile-"
"Fine, fine! I'll get the damn earphones!"
"Great!"
I shuffled through the selection, searching for the cheapest-priced ones as I grumbled to myself. Snatching up a pair of cheap-looking black ones, I marched my way over to the cashier, paid, and was out the door in a flurry.
Izaya snickered as he watched me click the earphones into my half-broken phone before shoving one of the uncomfortable buds into the ear facing away from the flea.
"There, happy now?"
He gripped at his heart, "Hey, I was only trying to help you y'know!"
Fiddling with the annoying little thing shoved in my ear, I could only scrunch my nose because the flea wasn't wrong. "Whatever, Flea. Let's go to that bookstore."
Izaya whooped and skipped to follow the pace of my stride again as we marched our way through the crowd toward that calm little bookstore.
I much preferred the chime of the bookstore's door opening compared to the convenience store, I decided. The quiet lady that always cared over the store gave me a small nod before huddling up at a bookshelf to continue organizing.
I took a deep breath, feeling a rush of calm overcome me as I was engulfed by the mellow feel of the place. Every time we come here I find myself agreeing more and more with Izaya's opinion of this place.
The deep warmth of dark woods and lighting that swayed from antique fixtures, the dusted smell of paper and leather book covers, it was all really soothing.
"I'm making it my personal quest to find a book that you'll like Shizu-chan."
I shook my head and smiled, "Alright."
"Good, because there's no stopping me, now, what were your favorite parts of the stories your poor younger self was forced to endure in school?"
We shuffled our way through the aisles, keeping a bit of distance from the old woman so that I could whisper back to Izaya without feeling too guilty for disrupting the quiet atmosphere.
"Um, they were all sort of depressing as hell."
"Literature at its finest," He nodded sagely, "So I'm guessing you'd like the more leisurely reads? Romance, self-discovery, adventure, y'know, feel-good stories?"
"I guess..?"
"Wonderful, off to the young adult section we go!"
We scoured bookshelves, flicking through pages and descriptions with a critical eye and I very quickly realized how serious Izaya was about finding me the 'perfect book' to read.
Hands seeped through the hard spines of novels, pointing at titles that Izaya wanted me to pull out so that he could get a closer look. He'd tilt his head, scanning over the title and cover for a moment before carefully reading the prologue.
Questions like, 'What romance troupe would you enjoy best? Do you prefer fantasy or urban settings? How long?' Lilted off his tongue at random as he zeroed through the shelves.
I found myself watching his every move as I held a sparse stack of books in my arms. How his lips would perk open slightly when his interest was piqued or how his jacket swayed along with his child-like steps.
"Shizu-chan, let's go to a different aisle for a second, I think I might have an idea."
Faintly I could hear a few other customers shuffle their way in to purchase a book before fading back out into the real world.
He crouched low, squinting at a title for a moment before smiling, "That one for sure."
"Really? You didn't even look at the description like the others."
He brushed the air with his hand, "Oh don't worry Shizu-chan, I can just tell."
I watched his hand for a moment, something itching at the back of my brain as I stared at the digits of his fingers as they twitched.
Had they always been that translucent?
"Chop chop Shizu-chan, I want you to grab this book and go sit down and read a bit of each of them and tell me honestly what you think!"
I shook my head and grabbed the book, not bothering to look at the title as I added it to the bottom stack. Carefully settling at an old oak bench, I placed the books on the ground next to me as Izaya peered over my shoulder to read the pages along with me.
I flicked through absently, going at random as I read a chapter in the middle of the story before flipping to the end, "This one seems kind of boring."
"Shizu-chan, do you even understand how reading a book works?"
I looked over my shoulder, affronted, "The writing style was boring!"
He rolled his eyes, "Fine, go to the next one."
I glared at the cover, looking at all the flowery petals and cursive font claiming to be a 'heart-swooning top-star' review about a teenage love story, and sighed, "Izaya, seriously?"
"Shizu-chan. My options are slim here, I'm experimenting to see what you like alright?" He raised his hands in surrender, snickering as I plopped the book in the 'no' pile.
The list went on as I sat against my will and was forced to read the first page of every story after Izaya whined about me 'hardly giving the poor author a chance'.
I'd say the author's chance was in that first sentence but Izaya's stare would beg to differ.
"They're just boring!" I could feel Izaya's judging look at the back of my head.
"I would argue that you hardly read them but I wasn't that interested either..."
"Hah! See?"
"It's not my fault that you're not a fan of the gripping genres."
"Just because I don't want to read a true story about a woman hunting down her husband to murder him doesn't mean I don't want a good story to keep my interest!"
"I'm telling you it's a good book," Izaya grumbled under his breath, looking over the remaining titles. A spark lit in his eye, "Ah! This one should be interesting!"
I squinted in suspicion, slowly sliding the bottom book out from the stack as I watched the gleam in Izaya's eye carefully.
The book had a simple cover, what I could only think of as rumpled fabric covering the entire front as a mysterious one-worded title stretched across it. "Okay..."
Izaya leaned closer over my shoulder, "You can flip to the middle of the book with this one."
There was a standstill between us, a scowl meeting smirk as I weighed my odds before flipping the book open to a random page.
"... Fingers frantically grabbing at his shoulders as firm hands wrapped around her hips to continuously-" The book slammed closed.
Izaya snorted.
"Izaya!"
The flea grinned and tilted his head, "You said you wanted something interesting," He shrugged, "So I gave you something interesting, erotica to be exact!"
The book went straight into the 'no' pile, "You are seriously a child."
"Says the one blushing about a sex book," Izaya practically sang.
I rolled my eyes and picked up the last book left, looking it over with a scowl as Izaya continued to snicker.
I tried to put effort into reading the last book but the long ass descriptions made me sink further and further into my chair the longer each paragraph went on.
"Izaya, this isn't working."
"Trial and error, Shizu-chan. Trial and error."
"Why don't you pick out a book instead?" I grumbled, half-hazardly picking up the books to place them on the 'return' rack.
Izaya paused for a moment to look at me and shook his head, "Nah, I don't need any. I'm still re-reading that one you bought last time."
My brows furrowed as he turned his attention towards the shelves of books, something whispering in the back of my thoughts as 'wrong' as I watched small black tendrils prick off white fur to dissipate.
The flea stopped to look at the title of a book, a leisurely, real smile flickering his lips. I shook the worry from my mind and followed after him to pull the book out from the shelf.
"I've read this one before, back in high school for a literature project," Izaya grinned, looking at the back of the book, "I thought the writing was pretty good, the genre wasn't really my forte though. A little too flowery for my tastes but for you..."
I frowned. Why did that sound a bit like an insult?
Izaya gave the book one more look over and nodded, "Try this one, it's a romance drama about a married couple falling back in love with each other."
My brows rose, admittedly a little intrigued as I scowled down at the simple cover. I flipped through the first few pages, following the flow of the story for a moment.
"So?" Izaya leaned on his toes.
I carefully closed the book and tucked it under my arm, "It's not bad..."
"Haha! Yes-!"
Izaya's victory was cut off by the sound of my stomach. We both paused.
"Why don't you buy that book and we'll go get lunch, ne?"
I gave a curt nod, holding the book carefully as I ignored the onslaught of sudden complaints from my stomach in favor of thinking about where to go next as I headed toward the check-out counter.
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"Thank you! Please come again!" A young employee smiled from behind the counter as we left the cafe, food in hand. But most importantly, the dessert.
"So you mentioned you had somewhere in mind, Shizu-chan?"
I grinned down at him, basking in the obvious curiosity in his gaze as I nodded. At first, we'd decided to sit inside the cafe to eat and I'd wear that damn uncomfortable earphone in my ear so I'd get less weird looks but I had a different idea in mind.
"Yea, It's just a simple little place. Peaceful."
"Alright," His head lolled to watch bypassers as we made our way through streets and backroads.
A comfortable silence blanketed us as I nestled into my own thoughts with Izaya walking by my side. Mulling over the idea of my food, which was now more of an early than lunch after we realized how late it had gotten when we left the bookstore.
It was weird just how much we'd lose track of time.
Every once in a while one of us would mention something and we'd tumble into a short conversation before sliding comfortably back into silence.
Izaya would watch people and I'd watch him.
Izaya would catch me and I'd adamantly deny it while he laughed.
I'd point out a group of people and Izaya's eyes would gleam.
We saw a dog at one point, I thought it was cute, but Izaya looked utterly offended and horrified. Especially when the canine clicked into a sixth sense and started to growl at thin air. That thin air happened to be Izaya.
Safe to say I learned that Izaya and dogs don't get along well.
At all.
Time rolled on and we stayed in our own little world. Taking turns blabbering about anything that was at the forefront of our minds as we cut between rustling students and antsy office workers. We kept this up until I caught a hint of greenery at the edge of the road.
I smiled, looking down to watch Izaya as his eyes flicked over the terrain. His brow arched, calculative gaze scanning every detail before looking up at me and tilting his head.
It was a bit of a secret spot Celty had shown me a while ago. On the outskirts of the city there was a park, a bit run down and simple in the way that attracted old folks to visit instead of rowdy kids.
When I'd first discovered the small stream that led to a pond in the middle of the field, I'd been confused. Confused about how the park managed to hide within a never sleeping city.
Ever since then, I'd put in the effort to visit this place when I could or when I needed to just calm down and think. Honestly, it's been a while since I'd last been here so I was happy to see it was still in good shape.
"When did you even find a place like this?" Izaya pranced up to the small stream and crouched down like a child to watch the rippling water.
"I know, a bit weird isn't it?" I chuckled, holding back the idea of how weird it was to even see Izaya in this sort of setting. Whenever the name 'Orihara Izaya,' rang through the air, images of nightly city life and penthouse apartments looking over flashy roads are the go-to, never a lush green park with clear water.
I hovered over him and watched as a flicker of color rushed upstream, "There's a fish in the water."
"Yes Shizu-chan, that's where fish live."
"Oh fuck off."
Izaya huffed a laugh as I plopped down to sit beside him, prying open my container of food so that I could finally quell my hunger. I had to forcibly remind myself that I had a sandwich to eat first, then I could have the dessert.
"Alright Shizu-chan, favorite animal- go."
I choked on a bite, "What? Uh," Stuttering over my thoughts for a moment as I forgot what animals there were, "Cat or dog?"
"Really? That's it?"
"If you don't like the answer, don't ask," I shoved a bite into my mouth.
"Touche," He cackled, hanging his head back to look up for a moment.
"Fine, my turn, what's your favorite animal?" Izaya made an exaggerated thinking nose, stretching languidly out to lay on the grass, "And you're not allowed to be a smart ass and say humans."
"Wah- Why not? You're absolutely no fun!"
"Yeah, yeah, answer the question. I've never really seen you interact with animals much, besides that dog- So I'm curious."
"If humans aren't on the table, then I'd have to say either cats or snakes."
"Okay, first of all, you're a hypocrite," Izaya squawked, "Second of all, snakes? Really?"
Izaya tutted, "If you don't like the answer, don't ask."
I rolled my eyes before taking another large bite of my food, watching as Izaya stretched his arms out even wider across the grass, or rather, hovered just above it. I couldn't help but compare him to the animals, a languid and precise threat. They suit him well.
"Have any other questions?" Finishing off the last of my late lunch, I reached immediately for the alluring dessert.
"Since you asked, yes. What is your favorite genre of music?" His eyes followed an older couple across the grass, slowly meandering through and towards the streets.
"Mm, I don't listen to music a lot but I enjoy jazz." I shrugged.
"Jazz? I don't know why I didn't expect that." He hummed to himself, "I suppose we're both more instrumental fans then, I'm fond of classical music myself."
I grunted and looked up at the sky, chewing on a bite that tasted of chocolate and cream. It was easy to imagine Izaya in his giant apartment laughing like a maniac about some devious plan as piano music played in the background. "Yea, I can see it."
Izaya gave a weird look that screamed, 'I know what you're thinking,' And I huffed a laugh.
The conversations continued, going back and forth as it became a game of simple questions. Learning little things only managed to make my curiosity grow. I wanted to hold on par with the information broker, to compete with the folders of knowledge lodged in his never-ending mind, and say that I knew just as much about him as he did about everyone.
And I did, I learned through the flicker in his eyes, the twitch of his lip when he feigned nonchalance that he cares for his sisters far more than he lets on. Of how he's fond of the look of winter but 'Only from the warm comfort of behind a giant window'.
Or how he'd heard the nickname 'Shizu-chan' through the gossip chain and figured I was a girl before he met me.
I took a moment to silently curse whatever group of giggly school girls caused part of my never-ending ire.
He asked a multitude of questions himself, staying true to his famous title as he strung information together in a sewn-out path only his mind could stitch. He'd guess things at random that would end up true and I'd hiss at him to, 'Get the fuck out of my head'.
There were a few things I'd mention that would catch him as random though, which I found satisfaction in, especially when he mumbled about unpredictability.
At some point, a keyword had clipped our conversation somewhere new, of memories of high school and running feet. Where Izaya would bark out a laugh when I growled out something he'd done that managed to piss me off even more than usual back then.
Each memory boiled down to a run. Chasing the edge of a heel through back alleyways and honking roads as I screamed after him. Harshed out breath coming between gritted teeth and a vicious snarl and Izaya would purr out confidence on a silver tongue.
I'd roll my eyes when Izaya would smirk about vending machines and uniquely shaped stopped signs.
He sighed softly, "I always thought the chases were so exciting."
"Maybe for one of us," I grumbled, poking a finger into the stream to feel the temperature.
"Oh come on, I'm pretty sure I remember a cute little admission where you said you missed our chases!" The words tumbled out past giggles, as my nose curled down at the water.
He wasn't wrong, past all the fucking debt and nerve-wracking rage, a part of me enjoyed the chases. It came as a quiet relief when I was having an extra difficult day and Izaya would appear. It was always a thrill, a rush of adrenalin to know that a chase was going to start and I could bleed out all of the building frustration I'd bottled.
"Ne, why don't we do one?"
"What?" My brows furrowed.
"A chase! Like good old times, you can chase me around Ikebukuro," He hopped to his feet with a graceful sway.
"How would that even work?"
In a moment his grin turned jagged, pinching his eyes sharp, familiar in a way that made my fingers twitch. "I suppose I'll just have to slow down so we don't get too far apart."
I rolled my eyes and hefted to a stand, "You really want me to run around Ikebukuro like a maniac?"
"You seemed more than fine with talking with thin air earlier, so why not?" With a single catch of our eyes, adrenalin spiked and Izaya twisted on his heel ready to run-
"Hold on, hold on, let me throw this away first," I shook my head, gathering up the leftover packaging to make my way toward a nearby bin, all while completely ignoring Izaya's whine in the background.
The trash tumbled in, "Shizu-chan you completely ruined the mo-" I whipped around with a feral grin that had Izaya clamping his mouth shut and whipping around to scramble away.
Kicked-up dirt flew under my feet as I ran after him, the stretch of black smoke almost pulled taut as he leaped ahead of me.
I caught myself before I could scream out his name as we tumbled through the park and into the streets, people shrieking as I weaved around and in between with a single goal running out in front of me.
Izaya's jacket flew out behind him black tendrils clipping off the ends as we dashed through alleyways, swaying across asphalt and concrete with every nimble swerve of his body. I could hardly tell where we were going, only zeroing in on Izaya's laughing shoulders as he jumped over railings and bent around crowds instead of through them.
At least he was playing fair, I scoffed.
And so we ran, ran without knowing where we were going, through stumped traffic and bumbling drunks, Izaya trailed through the city as I stretched my stride out as far as I could manage to catch up to his side.
I'd gain a few bounds and Izaya would tilt forward, keen to gain distance as he made a sharp turn. Any bit of normalcy the public had thought from me talking into headphones instead of air was thrown out and released by videos of racing through streets in manic directions all while I was smiling.
But I didn't give a damn.
The evening air felt crisp on my skin as Izaya's cackles jumped on quick legs. It felt as if my eyes played tricks on me, Izaya's limbs rushing through the air so quickly they faded with the wind as we turned corners.
Running felt light, a rush of breath too quick to breathe in as we tumbled up and down, pinched through alleys, and latched onto ledges. It was somewhere in our flurry of legs and hectic adrenalin that we'd made our way up across a fire escape until we stumbled atop a building's rooftop.
I grinned and slowed to a stop, my feet still thrumming from thrashing against the concrete as I leaned over to take a greedy gulp of air. Izaya kept moving to the end of the 'leash' before yelping out with an abrupt stop.
"Hey! Shizu-chan, that's not fair!"
"Never knew there were any rules," I slumped to sit, smirking at Izaya's insulted expression.
He rolled his eyes, moving over to sit at the side of me towards the edge of the building, and scoffed. "Well, there is now."
Something in the air settled as Izaya turned to look down at the humans below before twisting to face me. His hands were nestled deep in his pockets, an easy smile weighing on his lips that was much different from the playful wicked smirk he always wore.
"Y'know I still won right?"
"What?" I grunted.
"The chase. I was never technically caught, so I won."
I rolled my eyes, "Yea, sure."
He huffed a laugh, lolling his head to peek back at the life below. I watched him carefully, a feeling wriggling at the back of my throat as I trailed the path of a tiny tuft of smoke that flecked off his jacket and didn't survive long into the air.
"Hey, Izaya?" Red eyes flitted back to catch mine, "I know you've said it before, but why do you like humans so much?"
He huffed a smile, "I just find them interesting."
I frowned at the lack of flair, the lack of growing excitement in his eyes as he'd tumble into rants about his love for humanity.
The evening was getting late, lingering on the edge of night as a sun blocked by city smog cast weak to sweep across asphalt and metal. That still feeling in the air felt as if a layer of silence had been dropped, a tingling that curled my fingers and left a buzz in my ears.
The day was coming to an end soon wasn't it?
Something felt dawning in the air as if it had frozen just short of feeling stale. As if it had been left dangling, toes shuffling at the edge of a cliff as it took a deep breath.
I took a deep breath with it.
Peeking over Izaya's black and fur-covered shoulder, I watched as a lousy sunset cast across the sky, flickering into neighboring windows. Before I'd even realized, I'd slid my attention to Izaya's back, watching as he sat comfortably looking down at the crowd.
A feeling, a word lodged in my throat when I felt the wind brush across my clothes, moving along with the gust as Izaya kept perfectly still.
I swallowed, sucking in a breath as I remembered what Izaya had requested last night. The sun was slowly lowering, fighting amongst mountains made of steel and smoke as I was reminded of the last time I'd watched a sunset so thoroughly.
Of red-sheened clouds that reflected deep in Izaya's lifeless eyes.
My hands pulled at my sleeves, digging deep into the fabric as I glued my eyes to the floor. Guilt pooled into my blood, a loneliness, and shame heating it as I wondered if I should truly say it.
Izaya whipped around within a second, I could feel his eyes bore into me as he spoke, "Shizu-chan?"
My shoulders jolted, feeling caught and nailed to the ground by a pair of red eyes that both unnerved and comforted me. It was as if he'd known exactly what I was feeling.
"Yeah?" I croaked.
"You had something you wanted to say?" The words were soft.
I was forced within two halves of myself. Writhing with a yes and no as my eyes drew across concrete cracks and specks of dust on the floor. Something felt wrong, something felt off, itching under my skin till it burned raw as some part of me told me not to do it. Not to say it.
The words were at the tip of my tongue, clinging to my lip as they opened and closed without a sound.
My breath stuttered at the catch of white fur, peeking just at the edge of my sight as he sat patiently. Waiting.
I forced my eyes to latch onto the comforting sight, remembering each fold of his resting jacket draped around his body as I dragged my eyes further and further upward.
Until I saw his face.
Soft. Open on all edges as he blinked slow on heavy lashes. Completely still as he met my eyes with a calm balance, patiently waiting. I looked into the creases of his face, the fond quirk of his lips, and the soft touch of his expression.
A breath heaved from my chest.
"I love you, Izaya."
The air halted on its side, curving around us to avoid the moment of stillness as we stared at each other.
Izaya's breath shuttered, shoulders shaking as he looked down at the ground to hide his growing smile.
I sat silent, watching every flicker of movement as I waited, a thrum waking through my ribs as I forced a swallow.
"You know Shizu-chan, I really enjoyed today," He bit down on his lip to try and tuck back his smile. "So thank you."
A tender laugh brushed from his chest.
"Back then, at that cafe when you told me not to worry about exorcisms, you don't know how happy that made me." I didn't dare utter a sound, listening carefully to every word as my breath continued to catch in my throat.
"But I have something I have to admit, Shizu-chan. That wasn't the only thing I learned about poltergeists." He shuttered.
Fear drenched my skin, eyes diluting as I tripped over every word.
"I-" His lips pursed, "I'm not going to be here for much longer, Shizu-chan."
Ah, so that was it? That itch that rubbed my skin raw from the inside out. That worry that I couldn't quite place, couldn't quite catch at the back of my mind. A ring echoed in my ear, blood seeping cold as the realization flowed in waves.
"Wha-" The word died on my lips as Izaya's head slowly shook.
"I was never meant to stay forever but I'm happy I was able to last this long." A sheen caught in his eye. "Because I feel the same," He choked on a laugh.
"I love you too, Shizuo."
I couldn't breathe, lungs gripping in tiny gulps as I watched Izaya blink back the gloss from his eyes and laugh with a bit-back smile. Every effort of a word fizzled into a croaked sound as I stared, lost.
I wanted to hold him, craved to feel the slightest touch, to be able to tell him it would be alright, that we would be fine.
"There has to be something-" I heaved.
Izaya shook his head, knees knocking together as he stumbled closer, "No, no, but it's okay. Alright? It'll be okay."
My tongue felt awkward in my mouth, panic pumping my veins as Izaya tried to reach out, fingers twitching with the same urge to reach out as I had. Shouldn't I be the one comforting you? After all, you're going to-
"How will it- Izaya I-" I gasped ragged on air, reaching out as Izaya staggered closer.
He was leaving? Right when things felt right? Right when things had taken a turn for the better it was going to be ripped out from under us?
My teeth clenched as my fingers gripped at the air, isolation- terror drawing my skin colder as I continued to swipe at air.
"How do you know? There has to be something, right? Anything?"
Izaya leaned back in the slightest and a weight much too heavy in my lungs heaved at the distance. He took a deep breath, dragging vague fingers to roll up his sleeves.
I choked on a sob.
"Please, there has to be something Izaya! You always know what to do-!" I bit down hard on the word, staring down at his much too faded arms and waning fabric.
How could I have been so stupid? So blind?
Izaya's skin seemed to flicker between opaque and translucent as I choked on my tongue, heaving on tears and fear.
Shaking pale hands carefully pulled down the sleeves and I watched as tiny flickers of black dissipated into the air.
When had they gotten so small? Why didn't I realize anything? Everything had been fine, perfect! So why-
I jolted at the feeling of sheer cold, a cautious finger grazing at my arm as it flickered between air and color. I sucked in a breath, a shiver tensing my arm as the hand slowly snaked around to hold softly against my skin.
"I don't understand," My hand fell to rest atop his, "I don't understand any of this. Why now? How can you still touch-?" I hissed in a breath when I realized how badly Izaya's hand was shaking.
We looked at each other, breath shuttering as lips twitched between smiles and fear. Ever so slowly, Izaya's hand let go of my arm and I watched helpless as it left.
Sitting on his knees, he leaned forward, arms out-stretched as he gripped my shoulders closer. I swayed with the movement, putty in his flickering hands as he dragged me until we were sitting face to face.
My finger curled as it rose to rest against the side of his face, a weak huff slipping out when I was able to touch him. A thumb brushed back a damp lock of hair on his cheekbone as he leaned closer.
Foreheads touched, a strange feeling of cold skin not quite human but oh-so comforting as I closed my eyes to soak in the feeling. Something cracked within me, something yearning, pleading to touch, to carry him when I still had the chance-
Our lips met with a cautious peck as if neither of us expected to feel the touch of the other even as our hands gripped each other.
I pulled Izaya close by the cup of my hand, shoving our lips together in a frantic plea as he meant them with the same need.
We moved in tandem, holding back gasps of pain whenever the feeling of contact would flicker out for a moment before returning as we urged closer and closer together.
Izaya's hand weaved to grip my scalp and I vowed to burn the feeling into my memory. Of how his lips burned in the way cold nipped at bare skin and how his knees knocked against the concrete as we shuffled together.
Slow, stuttering between touch and numb the kiss moved in waves, nipping and cautious licks between our mouths, too afraid to pull away as we savored every touch of it.
It was when I realized that I could no longer feel the touch of one of Izaya's hands that I had to pull back to hold in a sob. Within seconds Izaya's forehead hit my collarbone as he bent to curl into my side I welcomed him with open arms.
I could feel Izaya's fading handshake as it gripped against my shirt, his shoulders shuttering as he took quiet gasps of air.
"It'll be alright, Izaya." I could barely keep my voice steady enough to whisper.
"Thank you, Shizuo," He stuttered on a breath, "I think being with you was the most fun I've had in a long time."
I could only hold him tighter, trying my best to keep my eyes closed as I could no longer feel the contact of his legs curled up in my lap.
"Watch over my sisters, will you? Shinra too." He huffed a laugh, the phantom of a touch hovering at the back of my neck as I nodded.
"Okay," I choked on the word.
"You too okay," He nudged off my chest, "Look after yourself alright?"
I forced myself to nod, watching as tendrils of black hazed into the air around him as he looked up at me. Black ash pricked off the edges of his jacket and I tore my eyes away to focus on his eyes before I could think too much of the faded hue.
My breath caught when I noticed his eyes. They weren't red. Not red like they were when the sun's haze caught through open rubble against his irises. They were brown, mixed with a deep wine tint, the color they were supposed to be.
"I'm sorry for not telling you anything sooner, Shizuo."
I shook my head, hands lingering at the edge of a barely-there touch, "I'm going to miss you." I held my tongue on a beg, a plea that he wouldn't leave.
"Yeah, me too."
We held watery smiles, huffing on tiny clips of laughter as we forced ourselves to look at each other instead of the swarming black that peeled off Izaya in waves.
I couldn't feel his touch anymore, tears bundled at the corners of my eyes, falling in streams the same as Izaya's.
The air felt colder, blown by the night chill illuminated by city lights.
I bit my lip to hold back a cracked breath as Izaya's body began to fade so light it wisped with the night air, blending with the scenery as he continued to hold a fond smile on his face.
"Goodbye, Shizuo. I love you."
"I love you too, Izaya."
A breeze whistled against the dark as black smoke trickled out into nothing across the air. Black-heavy lashes fluttered across burgundy eyes for a moment, before they were gone.
"Goodbye."