TW : Eating-Disorder (very detailed), Throwing up
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Hazel's POV :
We waited our dinner and my moms didn't say anything about my hesitation on what I was eating. And I was grateful for that because I absolutely didn't want to justify my choice. The waitress Alice came back with our plates and when she set mine in front of me, I took a deep breathe to calm myself but the smell of the burger, all the grease and the calories nearly made me sick. I couldn't even smell it, it felt like the calories were entering my body through my nose and I already felt full even though I hadn't even touched my cutlery.
"Bon appetit." Said mom Mina with a very bad french accent. I smiled back but didn't look at her in the eyes. I tried to calm myself down because I needed to appear okay and eat, otherwise my moms would immediately know that my relationship with food was at its worse.
I was pinching my thighs for some times now to try and think at something else when I heard on of my mom clearing her throat so I raised my eyes.
"Your burger is getting cold sweetie." Mom Delia said softly with an encouraging smile. I weakly smiled back at her and took my fork. I started cutting small pieces of the bread, then the meat and finally the vegetables. I decided I needed to eat at least half of the burger, but I was determined not to touch at the french fries.
When I brought the first bite to my mouth, I swear I could smell the calories on the fragment of food. I closed my eyes and put the piece of burger in my mouth before chewing and swallowing with tears growing in my eyes. When I finished the first mouthful, I knew all my efforts just fell apart. I was so mad at myself, I felt like crap, I felt so weak. And I especially felt like I needed to get rid of it. So I made up my mind, when I was half through my plate, I would be excusing myself to go to the bathroom. And that's exactly what I did.
I reached for the napkin and wiped my mouth, then I stood up and both my moms turned their eyes on me. "I'm going t- to the bathroom. I have to p- pee." I stuttered. I was so bad at lying, but in this situation I had to do it, I couldn't help myself so I made my way to the bathroom. But nearly there, I bumped to Alice, the waitress.
"Are you looking for something ?" She nicely asked me.
"Uuuuh, yes, the bathroom. But I know where it is." I said, as it wasn't the first time we were eating in the restaurant.
Alice nodded and smiled at me then walked away as she was carrying some drinks to another table.
I entered the bathroom and made sure there was no one else. When I saw nobody, I got in a stall and sat on my knees. I made sure my hair were tied and behind my back and I shoved two fingers down my throat. At first it didn't work. It was the first time I was making myself throwing up and I knew you had to go deep with your fingers but I was a bit scared. I took a shaky breathe and tried it again. This time, it worked. But I thought I didn't puked enough. So I did it again, and again, and again, until it was only bile coming out of my stomach. It burned my throat and my eyes were tearing up.
I stood up, but maybe too fast again since I had to hold myself on the wall to prevent falling. Once my vision was less blur, I stepped out of the cubicle, washed my hand, put on my fake-happy-face and walked out of the bathroom.
When I got back to our table, my moms looked at me and the seemed a bit concerned.
"Are you okay ? You were there a long time honey." Mom Delia asked suspiciously.