I went back on the road the day after the launch, goodbye seemed to be harder every time I visited home. As we approached the last leg of the tour, we were finally back in the UK. Aoife talked about how she had just two more scratches on her map before I would be back, Leah constantly working out how many miles separated us as I got closer and closer to home.
Belfast was the last flight I would catch before we ended the tour, finishing with a final night in London. I wanted my last two shows to be in the two places I called home. Gigs in Belfast were always emotional; they reminded me of the days when I had almost given up on music, days when I would perform to my original fans, and of my Mum and Dad being in the crowd to watch me perform. Those days were a reminder that I was lucky. Lucky to have received unconditional love and support from both my parents, lucky to have had parents that allowed me to follow my dreams, and lucky that my Mum had lived long enough to know that I would make it one day.
We travelled to Belfast early, allowing me to spend time with my family for a few hours before the show. The drive back to Dad's was one that filled me with a different kind of butterflies than the ones I got from Leah, these were butterflies of feeling connected to my first home. The first place I felt safe, the first place I found my passion for music, and the first place that I truly found out what love was. Being a parent now, I discovered all of the reasons why my parents were so selfless, why they gave me everything they had, the days they would sacrifice their own wishes to make mine come true.
Nothing had changed in Dad's house, despite his marriage to Janice. He still had pictures of Mum hung proudly in the hall, my awards still occupied most of the conservatory and the smell of home cooked food still lingered throughout. The moment the door closed, my Dad appeared in the hallway, his smile lighting up the darkness that was caused by typical Irish weather. His arms immediately opened as I hurled towards him, his grip tightening like it did when I was a child.
"I missed you, Dad." I whispered, nuzzling my head into his chest.
"We missed you too." He smiled, nodding towards the picture of my Mum.
The afternoon was spent in the living room, catching up with Dad whilst Janice worked from the office. Janice was exactly the type of person I imagined my Dad to end up with, once I accepted that Mum wasn't coming back. She was just as attentive, just as kind, and just as reassuring. Aoife and Theo would get confused, calling her Nanny sometimes; she would quickly remind them that their Nanny was in the sky, never wanting to take my Mum's place. It wasn't a rejection, it was a simple level of respect that she had for the woman she had never known. She treated them like her grandchildren; buying them clothes, sending them gifts, and she even taught Theo to ride his bike on their recent visit to England.
Time passed quickly, as is often the case in life, meaning that I had to make the journey back to the venue for tonight. Whilst rehearsals wouldn't be needed, having performed the previous night, vocal exercises were needed to ensure my voice was at the best it could be. Dad and Janice went to get ready, Dad panicking already about the traffic he hadn't even hit yet.
I had given myself enough time to stop for a while at Mum's grave, a place I didn't go to as often as I would like due to my move to England. Stepping out of my car in the car park attached to the graveyard, I was reminded of that day. The day when I stepped out of the back of the funeral car, clutching my Dad's hand as we walked towards Mum's final resting place. Neither of us knew in that moment, that the pain would get so much worse, and then slowly better, but never erased.
Grief had taken away my inner most beliefs; the belief that life gave back what you put in, belief that life was kind if you were kind, and the belief that good people are dealt good deals. My Mum was a good person; she was the best person. I didn't understand why life had given her such a raw deal, but having my own children now and a wife that I loved eternally, had shown me that she didn't get a raw deal. Just a perfect journey, that came to an end as they all do.
In her youngest years she was a daughter, a devoted daughter until the death of her parents. At 6 years old her family extended, and she became the protective big sister, defending her siblings as if she were the one that would feel their pain. As she moved through life, she became a loyal friend to anyone that spoke to her; always there when they called, whether she was working or getting her hair done. My parents met when they were teenagers, Mum thought my Dad was a right piece of work; deciding to steer clear of him so teachers wouldn't associate her with Peter Ryan, the class clown. Dad had been besotted with Mum, eventually asking her to their final year dance. Of course, Mum rejected his offer, but they always spoke of a pact they had made.
If you can stop being such a class clown, I'll go with you to the dance.
Dad was set to leave school with no qualifications behind him, but Mum's pact with him was too important. He began to be respectful towards teachers in return for their help, he made a name for himself (all for my Mum) on the debating society, and even finished the year with 6 O Levels, something the school had thought impossible. Mum went to the dance with him, keeping her side of the pact. She talked about how different he was when it was just them, how that devilish side that he had was a front for the fact he was insecure about his poverty ridden home. She used to tell me, your Dad fell first, but I fell harder.
Over time, they allowed that love to grow. They both found things they were good at; for Mum it was working with children, and for Dad it was selling things. Dad had an incredible ability to sell just about anything; starting with VHS tapes, and moving into dial up internet, then to internet security packages for businesses. Finding this passion had given Dad a way to support both my Mum and his own parents, rewarding them for allowing him to be whatever he wanted to be. I guess that's why he allowed me to do that.
Standing by Mum's grave, looking at the freshly laid flowers that Dad still changed every week, I was reminded that death doesn't have to mean the end of everything. It ends the hugs, the new advice and that person being on your journey; the memories, however, they never end; nor does the love. Dad doesn't love Mum any less now just because she isn't here, nor do I. Just like I wouldn't love Leah any less if anything were to happen to her.
"The kids are getting big now, Mum. I tell them about you every single day. They know that yellow was your favourite colour, that you were really good at salsa, and that you used to say if it is to be, it is up to me. I don't know why I'm telling you this, I know you know. Well - I hope you know. Do you know? I miss you, Mum. Dad misses you. Please look down on me tonight, I'm on a comeback tour - I'm performing in the arena. I think you'd be proud. I hope you are."
I rambled on for a while, my mouth saying all the things my head was thinking. I often did this at Mum's grave, it helped. It helped to know that I had said it, even if I wasn't always sure that I believed she could hear me. I placed a kiss on my fingertips, placing them onto the headstone and feeling like I had just felt her arms tighten around me; I knew I hadn't, but it hurt a little less to convince myself.
As I drove out of the graveyard car park, Leah's name flashed up on the screen in the car. I smiled, my heartbroken heart mending again as it always did when Leah was near.
"Hi Le."
"Al, how are you getting on?"
"Just on my way back to Belfast now, won't be long until I'm there. Kids okay?"
"They are. I can't believe there's only two more days until you're back." I could almost hear her smiling through the phone.
"Two days too long, Le."
"She'd be proud of you, you know that? I know you've been to see her. She can't tell you, but I know how proud she would be."
My stomach became filled with butterflies.
"I love you, Le. Thank you. You always know what to say." I smiled.
"I love you. Drive safe, Al."
I travelled back to Belfast, a smile plastered across my face as I thought of Leah knowing where I had been without me even having to tell her. Lydia and Gavin were at the doors to greet me, alongside Ellie who had once again travelled home for the occasion. The four of us spoke of old times, of days when we would be kicked out of bars because they were bored of my hopeless romantic love songs. My parents had often told me that those three would be my lifelong friends, that they would be there through the good times and the bad, and that they were.
My alarm rang out, letting me know it was bedtime story time. I excused myself from the room, heading to a quieter place to drown out the sound of the support act. I unlocked my phone, seeing a message from my Dad that simply read we're here and very excited! with a picture of him and Janice attached. I sent a quick reply telling them I loved them both, before calling Leah.
"Bang on time." She laughed, turning the phone to let me see Aoife and Theo in their pyjamas.
"You three look cosy, move over and give me some room." I smiled.
"Aoife drank some of my drink." Theo huffed.
"I didn't!" I heard Aoife shout in the background.
"Are you telling tales, Theo?"
"Yes." He said proudly.
"Good man." I laughed.
"Aoifs, tell mummy what story you wanted tonight?" Leah placed her palm over her face.
"I found it in your room, it's called - em - what was it called Mummy?"
"Fifty shades of grey!" Leah groaned.
"Did Mummy say no?" I joked.
"Yep." The kids said in unison.
"She's boring." I winked.
Eventually, we settled on a more appropriate choice of children's reading, I used an iPad to pull up the book and as I got towards the last chapter, I noticed that the three were sound asleep on the sofa. I wanted more than anything to reach through the screen, to bring them into my arms and cuddle them into me. I took a quick screenshot, giggling to myself as I ended the FaceTime, and sending it to my Dad.
Before I knew it, I was back on stage in Belfast. I sang, as I had promised her, with my Mum in the forefront of my mind. From the stage I could locate the box that Dad and Janice occupied, watching as he jumped up and cheered during my final song; it really is the littlest things that make you feel proud.
— — — —
Four months on, the tour was over and life was getting back to normal. Leah and I were trying for baby number 3, but it had been a tough run. We had several setbacks, and a few false positives; refusing to give up unless we were told it was impossible. Life continued, our worlds intertwining again as the distance became a memory. Aoife was now beginning to favour football over music, something I had expected to struggle with but instead I was just happy that she was happy.
Leah and I had developed a new plan for family time, once a month we would take the kids to some kind of activity. On that day, we had decided that mini golf was the best idea. We packed up the car and made the 25 minute journey to the venue. Aoife was competitive, really competitive. She kept taking ages to take her shot, closing one eye and getting onto the ground to measure out exactly how much power she would need. Theo on the other hand, simply swung his club back and hoped for the best. Leah had a worried look on her face as we headed back to the car, she placed Theo into his car seat pulling me back before we got into the front.
"Al, you don't look too good. What's wrong?" She whispered.
"I'm fine, I promise. I just feel a bit weird. Just getting over the tiredness of tour probably."
"I'm worried. You've been tired, but you really aren't a good colour." She frowned.
"Extra cuddles for me tonight then." I smiled, placing a kiss on her nose before getting into the car.
Leah was right, I hadn't been feeling myself recently; in fact, I had felt awful. I was exhausted after doing the smallest of activities, my legs often felt like they couldn't carry me any longer, and my head had been sore more than it hadn't. I kept meaning to make a doctors appointment, but something always came up. I'll give it until the middle of the week to get better I thought to myself as we drove home. Realistically, it could be some kind of bug. It had only been a week.
— — — —
Three days later, I felt no better. I made a GP appointment, and explained to Leah that I wouldn't be able to collect the kids from school. I don't know why I expected that Leah would just collect them, of course she called her Mum and organised that she would get them as Leah was coming with me to the doctors.
As we drove there I noticed that Leah was shifting around in her seat, glancing across at me and looking away when I caught her. I knew something was on her mind, but I decided to wait until after the appointment to ask her about it, not wanting to start the conversation and have to end it abruptly for the doctors. Leah gripped onto my hand as we entered the doctors office, as I joked with her about getting stage fright for my urine sample and how I had made awkward conversation with the nurse taking my bloods.
"Alex, take a seat. Hi Leah." The doctor smiled at us both.
"Hi Dr." We responded at the exact same time.
"What's been going on then, Alex?"
"I've just been feeling under the weather. Headaches, really tired, lightheaded. I googled the symptoms - wouldn't advise anyone to do that in future." I nervously laughed.
"Mhmm I see. So I've been looking over your notes, Alex. Obviously, we get any medical notes that any place holds on you, private or NHS." She smiled.
"Yeah course." I said, confused.
"Mhmm. So we have taken some bloods, those results should be back within a few days, and the urine sample was tested in here whilst you were waiting." She was really dragging this out.
The doctor reached to the side of her computer for tissues, moving them in front of me. Leah's grip immediately tightened on my hand as we shot each other a worried glance.
"Pregnancy does weird things to our body, every preg -"
"Sorry - what? Pregnancy? Am I? LEAH! Doctor, it's worked? I'm -" I stuttered, Leah's grip now practically cutting off my circulation.
"Indeed. You are most definitely pregnant." The doctor smiled.
I practically jumped onto Leah, forgetting that we weren't on our own. I felt her breath hit my neck, her wet cheeks pressed against mine. I think we had both gotten to the point of accepting that our family wouldn't be growing, we were okay with it but it had been disappointing. We had still been trying, but had become a little disheartened at the constant negative tests, so we didn't take them as often anymore.
We thanked the doctor before heading back to the car, Leah immediately pulling me into her arms, reaching across the car to hug me more tightly.
"I was so scared. I thought you were really sick, Alex." She sobbed.
"Hey, hey, hey. I'm never leaving you. Do you hear me? I promise I won't leave it so long next time. I love you, Le. Baby number three." I smiled as I rested my forehead against hers.
"Baby number three." She whispered back.
We decided not to tell the kids until we had our first scan, wanting to make sure everything was normal first. It wouldn't change anything if it wasn't, but it would mean we would have to explain things differently to the children. Leah practically begged me to let her tell her Mum, so I made a deal that she could tell her Mum if I could tell my Dad. Leah left me home to rest whilst she collected the kids from her Mum's house, knowing I had a documentary of the tour to narrate tonight in the studio. I called my Dad to give him the good news, but he didn't pick up. Dad often worked from different parts of the country, forgetting to connect his phone to the Bluetooth, so I knew he would ring me back when he could.
The drive to the studio was filled with inner smiles, I knew I had to play it cool with my colleagues, they couldn't know yet. But I really wanted to scream it from the rooftops. We began the narration recordings, laughing hysterically as I messed up sentences, or my voice cracked randomly. I love this team of people. Shortly after the break, during which we ate pizza and pretended we hadn't all enjoyed dinner with our families just a few hours ago, I was midway through a recording when the door to the soundproof room flung open.
"Alex." Leah shouted loud enough for me to hear her through my headphones.
"Le, what's -" I began, panicking at her sudden arrival.
Leah came towards me slowly, kneeling down beside me and taking my hands into hers. She had tears forming in her eyes, sniffing to try to prevent them from showing.
"Alex baby, it's your Dad. He's not very well. We need to go." She said softly, placing her hand onto my cheek as she spoke.
"What do you mean? Not very well? How? I spoke to him this morning, he's fine." I questioned, in complete denial.
"Come on, Al. We have to go babe. There's a plane waiting."
I don't remember much else, just Leah holding me into her as she walked me to her car and put my seatbelt on. I do remember the multiple hands that stroked my back on the way out, I still don't know which hand was which, but I am almost certain that every person in that room gave me support through physical touch. I faintly remember clutching Leah on the plane, her fingers stroking through my hair as my eyes soaked her sweatshirt. The next thing I remember is Janice's swollen eyes, that look of pity that she had for me as I walked towards the door of the hospital room.
"I tried to call you, it kept going to voicemail." She said apologetically.
"I was in the studio. Can I see him?" I hugged her.
"Of course, it just got a bit too much for me. Had to take five." She smiled, a small smile that we all knew was false.
Walking into the hospital room and seeing my Dad attached to so many machines, reminded me of my Mum. I could almost see her there beside him, the same tubes that had been in her were now in him. I knew. Right then, I knew.
"You must be Alex?" A man's voice spoke from the doorway.
"Yeah, I'm his daughter. This is my wife, Leah." I spoke through my tears.
"My name is Dr Pine, I'm one of the ICU doctors."
"He's going to die, isn't he?" I felt my bottom lip quiver.
"Unfortunately, Alex, by the time we were able to restart his heart only machines were able to keep him alive for you to get here. Janice insisted we try."
"So now I'm here?" I sobbed.
"Al, come here babe." Leah cuddled me into her chest.
"With your permission, we will remove the machine."
"You're sure? You're really sure that he won't ever wake up? You've checked, right? Because I think I saw him move. I think he moved his finger, did you see that? He moved. Look!"
Leah's arms were now surrounding me, her lips pressing against the top of my head in tiny pecks.
"I know this must be so difficult for you, Alex. I really do wish we had better news." He glanced at my Dad.
"I'm sorry. It's just - I just always wondered if we hadn't switched Mum's off would she have gotten better. But she wouldn't, would she?"
"I'm afraid not, Alex. We wouldn't turn a machine off if we believed there was a chance of recovery."
"Can I have some time?" I was now blinded by tears.
"Of course, is there a particular time you would like the machine to be switched off? We can do that."
"Mum's was turned off at 11.24pm, would that be disrespectful to Janice though?" I looked at Leah for guidance.
"No, it would be exactly what he wanted." Janice's voice sounded from the corner, I hadn't even heard her reenter the room.
Leah and I gave Janice time with my Dad, leaving her to say her own goodbye without us stood over her. We sat in silence in the corridor, Leah's arms wrapped around my shoulders as I tried to control my breathing. She sent a message to Amanda, who replied with a picture of the kids sleeping soundly, with no idea what was going on. I think that was the only thing that could possibly have made me smile in that moment.
Janice returned to the corridor, her eyes filled with tears that her body no longer had the energy to cry, gesturing that Leah and I could now go in.
"Will I give you some space, Al?" Leah asked, kissing the top of my head.
"No I want you with me, both of you."
There was a time in my life when I had wondered how I would feel if Dad were to love someone else. I wondered if I would ever be able to look at someone that wasn't my Mum and consider them family. I knew Dad worried about that too. Janice had always made it clear that she wasn't trying to replace Mum, she was a part of Dad's life after Mum, and she had never tried to erase that memory of the life I had shared with my parents. I think that's why I felt so comfortable around her, and why I wanted her sat around the bed with Leah and I as I said my final goodbye to my hero. The three of us entered the room, knowing that the next time we left it Dad wouldn't be here. We sat beside the bed, connected by the arms we had wrapped around each other.
"I'm not going to say too much Dad, because I don't know how to ever say enough, and I know you'd only shout at me if I cried too much. I want you to know that you gave me everything, you are the reason that I am the person I am today, the reason that I could ever have had someone like Leah fall in love with me, the reason I was able to tour the world, and the reason that I continued to breathe after Mum left us. I know that you'll be happy to be back with Mum, but I know you'll be worried about Janice. I want you to know that she will be okay, because she has us here with her. She has her family, our family. I want you to know that I love you, that I'm proud to be your daughter, and that I won't ever forget you.
There's something else I want you to know, Dad."
I paused to collect myself, before lifting my Dad's hand from the bed and standing up to place it on my stomach.
"I want you to know that Leah and I are having another baby. We only just found out today, I tried to call but - but - but - you must've been - been - sick. They'll know you too, just like Aoife and Theo know Mum, I promise - I'll make sure this one knows you. I love you, Dad."
My Dad passed away that night, his machine turned off at 11.24pm. Of course, I felt sadness in an unimaginable quantity, but the fact I was able to tell him about the pregnancy whilst he was still technically here made the pain a little easier. Leah and I stayed with Janice that night, opting to not get a hotel as we didn't want to leave her on her own. Tomorrow, we would plan a funeral that I had thought wouldn't come for years, but for tonight my comfort came from Janice's cups of tea, Leah's comforting arms, and baby number three in my stomach.
This was just another perfect journey, that came to an end as they all do.