HI EVERYONE!!!! ITS BEEN SO LONG AAA!!! I'm finally back! Sorry for being a ghost for so long, a lot happened and i'll go into more detail when i feel I'm ready to talk about it, but here I am! I missed you all so much!! Also, i've decided to go by a new name: Raven, or Rav. My old name has a lot of negativity attached to it, and hearing it just makes me wana scream. Anyways, I'll stop rambling now. Hope you enjoy!
-Rav
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{{Title inspo- Ease My Mind by The Faim}}
Andy hasn't been himself these last few days. I can tell something is wrong but whenever I ask him about it, he just says he's fine and not to worry about it. I decide I'll try to ask him again when he comes home from the studio.
While he's out, I decide to clean up the house a bit. We've both been busy as hell lately and not had time to tidy up, so our place could use a cleaning. While I'm cleaning the bathroom, I notice a few small drops of what seems to be dried blood in the floor. That's concerning. I originally assume that Andy had cut himself while shaving and didn't see it on the floor (I shave in the shower, so I know it wasn't me), however, when I open the cabinet to get cleaning supplies, I notice a razor with dried blood on it as well, making me more worried. Considering how Andy's been acting lately, it wouldn't surprise me if he'd hurt himself instead of talking to me. Andy's always been the type of person to keep everything to himself and take his emotions out on himself, which makes me even more concerned for him. After finishing the bathroom, Andy should be getting home soon so I go and sit on the couch to wait for him. Not even 5 minutes later, Andy comes in, clearly tired and upset about something. I can see in his eyes that something is upsetting him.
"Hey Andy" I say as he comes in. He doesn't even look at me, which is also something he does when he's upset.
"Hey" he whispers and walks straight past me to go upstairs to our room.
"Andy, baby, can you come here please?" I ask before he leaves the room fully.
He turns around, looking at me anxiously before nodding slightly and coming to sit next to me, keeping his head down and avoiding eye contact. After he sits down, I gently hold his hands and try to get him to at least look at me.
"Baby can you look at me please?" I ask softly, trying not to scare him.
He looks up at me slightly and I see that his eyes aren't even blue anymore, but a faded grey color.
"Baby you know I love you, right?" I ask as I try to keep eye contact with him.
"Oh god where is this going? What did I do? Are you leaving? Is that what this is? Oh god please don't leave. I'll do better I promise. Please don't go anywhere." Andy says, starting to panic.
"Baby...baby...no...shhh...I'm not leaving you. You haven't done anything wrong, my love. I just wanna talk to you." I say as I move closer to him and wrap my arm around his shoulders to calm him down, still holding his hand with my other hand.
"Okay then...yes, I know you love me. I love you too. Where's this coming from?" Andy asks, starting to get confused. I hold his hand tighter.
"And you know you can talk to me about anything, right?" I ask softly. Andy nods.
"Baby what's wrong? And don't say you're fine because I can tell you're not. You barely speak anymore, you don't look at me, you isolate yourself any time you're not with the band, and you just seem so down lately. Please talk to me, baby. I love you, and I'm so worried." I say as he looks away and starts biting his lip, which he does when he's anxious.
"Nothing's wrong babe, I swear...I've just been stressed with the band, that's it." Andy says, looking away from me and pulling away.
"Baby why won't you talk to me? I know it's not just stress, love. It's not good for you to keep everything inside you like this." I say, trying to stay calm and not upset him.
"I already told you its stress, okay?! God! Just drop it already! I'm fucking fine, okay?!" Andy yells, standing up and walking away.
"Baby, I know you're not fine. You never yell at me like that." I say, staring to get a little scared. Andy never yells at me, so whatever it is that's wrong must be bad.
"Fucking drop it Raven! I'm. Fine. Just fucking stop it! Leave me alone!" Andy yells again and goes up the stairs.
I decide to give him some time to cool down before going to check on him, so I stay on the couch and scroll through my phone. About 30 minutes later, I hear Andy come back downstairs but I don't say anything in fear of pissing him off.
"Rave...?" Andy whispers, his voice a lot quieter and softer than usual.
"Yea baby?" I say as I turn around and face him. I can see that he's shaking a little and his eyes are slightly red as if he'd been crying.
"I'm sorry...for how I acted...you didn't deserve that...you were only trying to help...I'm sorry.." he whispers, keeping his head down and wrapping his arms around himself as if he's trying to hold himself together.
"It's okay, honey. I'm not mad at you, okay? I'm just worried about you." I say.
Andy doesn't say anything, but he comes over to me and sits next to me on the couch. I put my phone down so I can give him all my attention.
"I don't know what's wrong...I'm just...really really sad...all the time...and I don't know why..." Andy says quietly, still not looking at me.
I carefully move closer to him and hold my hand out for him. He holds my hand tight and finally looks up at me. His eyes are watery and he looks so scared, and it breaks my heart.
"Every time I try to be happy, there's this voice in my head that keeps telling me I don't deserve it..and that I don't deserve you...and it makes me hate myself and everything about me, and I don't know how to make it go away. Anything I do to get it to stop just makes it worse and I'm so sick of it. I just want it all to stop. I- I can't- I can't keep doing this....it hurts so bad." Andy tells me, starting to cry. He lets go of my hand and covers his face with his hands, not wanting me to see him cry.
My heart breaks even more and I move even closer to him, wrapping my arms around him tightly and holding him against me. Andy cries harder and hugs me back, hiding his face in my shoulder.
"Baby...I'm sorry you're so sad, love. Just know that you never have to deal with any of this on your own. I'm right here sweetheart, and I always will be. We'll find ways to help you together, darling. We'll even find you a therapist if that's what you need. Whatever I can do to help you, I will do. I'll do anything for you, baby. I love you so so much." I whisper as I hold him tighter and rub his back, feeling him shaking in my arms as he cries.
"Can I ask you something, honey?" I ask quietly, still hugging him. Andy nods.
"Baby have you been hurting yourself? I'm not gonna be mad if you have, i just need to know so I can help you." I ask carefully, not wanting to upset him more.
Andy doesn't answer, but instead cries even harder and hugs me tighter, hiding himself in my arms. I hug him as tight as I can and lay down with him in my arms, holding him tight and playing with his hair.
"Oh baby...it's okay... I've got you...I'm gonna help you, okay love? You're not on your own anymore. You're gonna get through this baby, I promise." I say as I kiss his head, still holding him tight.
Andy hugs me tighter, hiding his face in my chest and still crying into me, finally letting out everything he'd been keeping inside him. I just keep holding him and switching between rubbing his back and playing with his hair, trying to comfort him in any way I can.
"I love you so much, baby. You're gonna get through this." I whisper.
Andy just cries and cries until he eventually can't anymore and ends up falling asleep in my arms. After he's asleep, I carefully lay down on the couch with Andy laying on top of me, pull a blanket over us, and drift off to sleep as well, holding Andy protectively. I will protect this beautiful human with my life, and I'll do anything to ease his mind and help him smile again.