My eyes wide, I take in everything in front of me. The night was bright with all that was shimmering light. Jewels and chandeliers and city lights. The world I knew was beneath my feet, buried in the dirt of the past. I was running into the abyss with no certainty nor reassurance of where it would lead me. It scared me at night. The only way I knew to navigate the abyss was the churning of my heart, constantly alive in all that was wild.
I didn't know apartments this size existed in New York. The mass of party goers didn't do anything to make the room feel crowded. There was even a large ice sculpture in the middle of the party, hopelessly reaching for the ceiling far above it. "What is this place?" I asked Amo. Still taking everything in. "This is where I grew up." He said it so casually I had to think over his words. "This is your family's place?" It looked so sterile and modern, I couldn't imagine a child growing up here. On second thought I suppose Amo's perfectionism and high standards would be satisfied here. "You know some people would say bringing a girl to your family's party would mean something. Do you make it a habit of bringing just friends?" I teased boldly. "Only when I need to piss off my father," he muttered. "Really." "One rule of the night, princess. Don't tell people where you are from." The pride of this guy! "Really am I your dirty secret here?" "Secrets are always held close to my heart." We held each others gaze for a second till my attention was called back to the party. I looked around again, so this was how Amo grew up. Surrounded by high society. Fear managed to sneak its way into my thoughts after the glamor wore off. What was I doing here? I suppose I was more comfortable in a dirt field than somewhere where I had to compare myself to others. Amo, seeming to sense my panicked undertone, took my hand, guiding me through the party. His reassurance and confidence, the way the others looked on, it felt like I knew the most important guest at the party. He turned to me when we reached the dance floor. I gave him a skeptical look but lit up when he held out his hand. I didn't particularly like parties, not that I'd been to many. I did like Amo though and I loved dancing, so in that sense I loved parties. Dancing, as always, seemed to soothe any worries I had. The DJ kept putting on songs that I loved but I forgot I loved. Amo pointed out my taste in music was two centuries outdated. My feet hurt from dancing but that was always a welcome pain that I revered. I was working up a sweat and my facial muscles strained from smiling and laughing at things that made no sense. Amo could surprisingly dance but it was the stiff monotone stuff they taught in etiquette schools. I wanted him to dip me to the floor and spin me till I was dizzy, I wished we were back in that alley behind the Chinese restaurant. Far from peering spectators. Amo knew so well how to fit into this place, too well. I remembered what he said, that he was more comfortable in the lonely alley but probably had his guard up with so many people here. We finally found a rhythm we both agreed on as a new song came on. Those two minutes I was so lost in that moment that the world as I knew it ceased to function. At the end of the song I was out of breath, from the physical exertion but also from being so close to Amo, having his full attention in a place we had never been together. The soft glow of the lights and whimsical dresses all around me. It was bringing unwelcome ideas into my head. Ideas of the future, of hope, of going further in whatever this relationship was. All the things that I used to have a million defenses for were gone. Things I swore I would never feel were flooding in. I forgot what the problem was with this. Maybe I just wanted the attention and maybe Amo was playing me, looking through me like all those people on the street, giving me what I wanted in a game of persuasion. I was a willing participant to whatever his games were. We found a sofa after the last dance, away from the dance floor. I crashed next to him, giggly from exhaustion and in love...
for the city of course.
If I thought the people watching was prime tonight on the busy corner street, it was another story up here in the sky. Characters straight out of novels you wouldn't see on the street. I doubted their expensive shoes ever took a step on the dirty New York concrete. Rather taking the city by air, from penthouse to penthouse. Older women with large green oval rings and heavy diamond necklaces that sparkled in the light. Men with stiff bow ties and freshly shaven faces. There were only a handful of kids running politely through the crowds. Refined, quiet kids who busied themselves with little innocent tricks of licking the ice sculpture. If this was a party me and Nevio were invited to when we were younger, Nevio would have already accidentally stabbed someone with the ice sculpture. But these were elegant kids with refrained parents who laughed delightfully at whatever the other person was saying. Out in the sea of people I was scanning, a woman with red pointy Louboutins, that I imagined could very well stab someone, was staring at...me. That was weird. Her eyes were like cat eyes in a piercing pursuit, it made me rethink the whole red design going on. "Amo, whose that?" I whispered. Amo looked out and then frowned, "Marcella, my sister. Come this way, if she catches you she'll ask you a thousand questions until she gets what she wants." "What does she want?" "To know every single thing about you, our relationship, and how it affects her." I followed Amo's lead as being asked a thousand questions sounded awful. We sneaked through the party to the other side, looking back we lost Marcella to the crowd of people. Walking up to the bar we came up to someone whose face I actually recognized. The guy from the race track! "If I'm required to attend another one of these awful functions I swear I'll become an alcoholic, I think Jerome has told me the same story seven times now." Amo chuckled at Andrea's situation while ordering two drinks for us. "Oh hello, tiny dancer, I didn't see you there." Andrea looked proud of his nickname for me, and I didn't think his tone indicated affection for it. "Nice to see you again. Still miserably drunk over being horrible at your job?" I returned, again surprising myself. "Have you stopped dancing and actually found a real job yet?" Ouch. "Of course I'd find you two here," someone interrupted. I recognized the man as Valerio, except now he actually looked formal and serious with his suit and tie. Pulling off the persona as well. "If you two would actually take your face out of the whiskey for two seconds you'd realize that-" he looked at me, frowned and continued, "-something has come up..." he said carefully, looking at me the whole time. I rolled my eyes. Amo frowned and put down his glass. "What is it now?" he asks. "Something happened with... the thing," still looking at me. Amo got up looking ready to get whatever Valerio was talking about over with but then looked at me. He didn't seem to know what to do with me. Looking at me like a lost puppy. "Will you be alright?" "I know how to be alone, Amo." I stated perhaps a bit too triumphantly because when he started walking off my predicament set in that I really didn't know who any of these people were or where I was. Maybe I wasn't so fine. I looked around for a bit then ordered another sparkling water, just to make myself look busy enough that people would leave me alone and hopefully I wouldn't look hopelessly lost as I felt. After more people came to the bar I walked to the side in an alcove by the large windows and a variety of plants, my favorite kind of company. They weren't the best conversationalists though. I sat there for a couple of minutes, searching the crowd to see if Amo had returned while sipping on the cold water. Hopefully Amo's sister wouldn't pounce on me now that I was alone, thinking about it I leaned back into the plants a little more. Behind me I heard a door slam and low argumentative voices coming from down the corridor I was sitting by. I looked between the leaves of the tree I was sitting by, just being able to spot two men. They were still arguing but now their voices were in a hushed tone to not draw attention. I leaned back again, this was awkward. If they saw me sitting here they'd think I was eavesdropping on them. I quietly drank my drink trying to look preoccupied, something hard to do when I didn't have my phone on me. The two rounded the corner finally. I was just letting out a sigh of relief when surprise washed over me. "Oh my! you're Aragov!" The man's angry face turned his full attention to me. A very clear sign to stay away, but what were the chances he was here! This was such a coincidence! A once in a lifetime opportunity! "You are?" he said in a thinly veiled threat of a way. I was too excited to care. "I'm Margaret Alessandra! I'm a huge admirer of your work at Endova, I actually trained with an instructor from the institute. I mean the work and dedication from the dancers is another level! I've always wanted to visit the theater but my parents won't let me but it's definitely something I will do one day!" He was from a small Slovenian village and now a billionaire by some means. I always forgot how he actually earned money due to the blasé way it was always explained. The important part was he donated extensively to the arts and especially in his home town where it now held one of the most prestigious ballet schools in the world. His wife was the woman who oversaw the whole project. He huffed listening to my words then turned a curious gaze to me. "Margaret Alessandra you said?" "Yes, I go to the ballet school of New York." "Ah! I think I know who you are." He knew me!? "Me and Rasha went to the Swan Lake production when we first arrived, something we do every year when we come to the city. We like to see where our competition is." He winked at me like we somehow had an inside joke. "Please tell, which swan you were?" "Odette." I gladly provided. "Great potentiality is always seen in this role." I nodded my head vigorously, smiling. "Now let me remember..." he had a peaceful look on his face as he thought. Then he looked me in the eyes, pronouncing each syllable as he said, "you did a marvelous job." My heart dropped. I smiled perhaps more than my face could handle. "Yes, yes, I remember you. I was surprised that place that calls themselves a school could produce any authentic talent but I thought you as delightful to watch. Tchaikovsky's music is brutal to separate the birds from the swans. You're not twaddling around, rushing from act to act like this is a New York coffee shop," he scoffs, "no you are embodying the story. Rasha thought you as talented as well. If you really want to learn real ballet you must come to Endova Theater." Was this an invitation?! I coughed a little and then said, "Thank you, it's an honor to have your praise," in the broken Slovenian that I could muster up. He lit up and I suppose he understood a part of it. He let out a hefty laugh that I didn't expect from a man like this, but I couldn't help blushing at the loud volume of his voice. I looked over at the other man, forgetting he was there all together, he had a glare as strong as death as he regarded me. Well ok then... "It was a pleasure to meet you," Aragov tipped his glass to me then turned to the other man. "Luca, you forget to mention you have such exquisitely cultured guests at your party," he regarded the grumpy man. "Mmhm. And you are?" the other man, I suppose was called Luca, asked me in irritation. "Alessandra." "And who invited you to this event?" "Oh, my, um...friend. He's just right..." I look around for Amo frantically to help me. Geesh, he leaves me for five minutes and I'm already in trouble. "Oh, I think I see him over there! I must go, but it was a pleasure to meet you...both." I said formally, walking away quickly. After I got a safe distance away I let out a little squeal. I couldn't even begin to fathom what had happened. I couldn't wait to tell the girls at school that the one and only Aragov was in the crowd for our performance! What were the chances I would meet him here?! Suddenly I was hauled to the side as Amo came into view. I couldn't be bothered by his pissy mood as I was still on a high. "What are you thinking?" Amo seethed out as we were in a quiet place. "Oh my gosh, he's so amazing! I mean I always thought he would be amazing but he was just so-" "He has an eyepatch and is over eighty years old." "So?" I was defensive of his judgmental tone. "So? You were flirting with him." "I was not! I'm a huge admirer of his work!" "His work? The killing or the drug dealings?" "That's not true! He is a charitable man, an honorable man." I crossed my arms. "You can throw thousands of dollars at various causes and still be a horrible human being." He pushed his hair back as if anxious about something. "You're not to talk to him Margaret." I narrowed my eyes at his demanding tone. It made me want to defy him when he spoke to me as such. "Ok?" He demanded. What was his problem? "Fine." I said bitterly. Realization seemed to wash over him as his features softened. "Whatever you've heard or read about him, you don't know him as I do Margaret, you can't just trust what people say about someone. It will get you killed. Stay away from him." "I'm a great judge of character Amo, I know how to keep myself safe." Which was true, I always had a good sense of other people's character. "I would argue with that," Amo said sardonically. I should have gotten an alcoholic drink if I knew I had to deal with this side of Amo. I let out a frustrated noise. "Why would you invite me to a party then ask me not to interact with the guest!" "Because I didn't know you were a moth to the flame when it came to sniffing out trouble. Don't talk to Aragov, talk to anyone else at this party but stay away from him." While I was intent on looking anywhere except Amo, I spotted another woman staring at us from the party. What a twist of a day, I was the one usually staring at others. Today I felt like I lived in a fish bowl though. "Who's she?" I asked, momentarily distracted. Amo looked over in the crowd, the woman in question was turning back to the conversation near her. "Allison Witcare, she was a potential wife back in the day." "She's totally into you, I mean still, what happened?" "Her father did some stupid shit." Looking around I questioned why Amo would even have trouble finding a wife. Every woman here of marriageable age was gracefully attentive. Fully knowing how to work the crowd and socialize, unlike me who hid in the shadows. "I think you should go for the utensil girl." What was I saying? I guess even if we couldn't be together I still wanted Amo to be happy. "I feel like our marriage would consist of one syllable answers and her hiding under the bed," Amo said. "At least I wouldn't be worried about being murdered in my own bed, I mean Allison is totally giving you death glares now." "I think those are meant for you, not me." "Why me? What have I done?" "You're the one next to her target and she will obliterate anything in the way of the conquest that she seeks." "I should go talk to her," I said solemnly. "Why are you perpetually attracted to trouble? That is the last thing you're doing." I opened my mouth in shock at his delusional power high he was on. "I'm getting a drink." I said, making it clear I wanted to be left alone. "Princess," he called after I took a few steps. I looked over my shoulder. "Try not to get yourself killed while you're at it." I forgot why I liked Amo. Why wonder he couldn't find a bride! The guy was such a- I stopped mid thought as a chilling glare hit me. I stopped and turned around, swallowing my pride and walking back to Amo because that earlier warning was never more clear. Luca was coming over. I walked back to Amo quickly, "don't look now, but I might have made an enemy with someone very tall and foreboding and that someone might be walking this way right now." Amo looked despite this. "Amo!" I seethed. "Really?" he said with amusement. I heard the menacing steps before I saw him. "Amo. Glad you could find the time to make it... with guests." He said the word with utter remorse. What was with this guy? "Dad, this is Margaret. Seems you guys have already met." Fuck me, what was my luck? I breathed in mustering up my sweetest smile to Luca. Of course it didn't do anything and I knew whatever I said would have no dent in the hatred this man had for me, for no apparent reason! How had I made two enemies in such a short night? I never made enemies, everyone loved me for heaven sakes. If I had more time to take the situation in I would probably find it funny how unlikely similar the two were. "There you are, Amo. I've been trying to find you all night, you won't believe what we have planned! Oh, hello." Marcella said, locking her gaze onto me. She walked so close to me that I stumbled backwards a bit. "Ahh," was all that came from my mouth. "This is where everyone is, a nice reunion of sorts." Another man walked over. Everyone was standing around us as we were in a corner. "Margaret, this is Matteo, my uncle." Amo introduced me. "You're the girl talking to Aragov. I've never seen the man smile, an accomplishment on your behalf," Matteo said. Luca was still staring at me, like a hated bug of sorts. "How do you know Slovenian? Have you lived there?" "No, only if you're really bad at geography." I bit my tongue. If I thought it was possible for this man to hate me more, I had just accomplished that. Matteo started chuckling. Marcella sensing the rising tension said, "Margaret! We must get to know each other! Come tell me everything!" I looked panicked over at Amo as Marcella dragged me away, already talking my ear off. If I thought the conversation was all light and fun I was naive because Marcella was an expert interrogator. I had to carefully think over every answer I gave to her. There wasn't a single quiet moment as Marcella filled the silence expertly, talking up a variety of things I never wished to know. After she realized I wasn't letting anything slip she introduced me to, it seemed, everyone. I choked when we came up to the first woman. Expecting the fake smiles and admiration from strangers, it took me a second to orient myself that nobody knew me here, they had no reason to suck up to me or pretend to be anything except themselves. It was nice. "Well, we should go get a drink before the celebrations start, it's going to be amazing trust me! You don't know the hell I went through to make this happen." "Oh, I have a drink already..." Where did I leave it? On the bench before I met Aragov, "I have to go get it. I'll be right back!" I said quickly, excusing myself. "Just get another one," Marcella was saying but I needed to get some space. Amo was totally throwing me to the wolves with no preparation whatsoever to meet his family! Who did that? My mind was going a thousand miles an hour. When I rounded the corner, I sank down to my familiar seat next to the greenery, feeling the cold wall on my back as I slid down. Resting my head back I instinctively took the glass of water that was still waiting for me. It was crazy how much could change in one night. The faint tremor of voices was heard behind me. I put my ear to the wall at my back as the voices grew louder. "If this deal goes through with Aragov, we will advance our arsenal two folds. This is the moment we've been waiting for. We need to go in for the kill, now. It's the perfect time and everyone knows that, if we stall we will regret it." "They've been sitting pretty too long." "Gustav, you are always jumping the gun, the fact your face is still here is nothing short of a miracle. We will take this step by step, the time is soon, not now." The doors rustled and I heard the same voices echo from the hallway. I was so in shock about what I heard I couldn't care to move. What did I just hear? I wasn't sure but one thing I knew was that it wasn't good. "You know why you never see the daughter? He probably killed her long ago." "The sincerest outcome she could've had," someone scoffed. "Would make sense, they don't tolerate weaknesses." "Barely above savages," someone else muttered with disgust. I peeked through the leaves, my curiosity killing me. The whole scene was eerily transcending into realization. Amo alone I could take tiny hints to brush off, but this convulsion of people in stoic stances... rulers of the underworld, Nevio had once said. Dressing like kings in high palaces, but rulers of the things that bubbled up from hell. "The Camorra will burn, a homage to their beginnings. Returning to the ashes of their betrayal. It's their only destiny." Out of the corner of my eye I see Amo appear with Aragov by his side. The two seemed like close acquaintances.... that's interesting. "Vitiello, it was an unexpected pleasure doing business with you." Aragov says to Amo. "I think we can agree on our standing for once." Another man says. "Common enemies unite unassuming players." Shaking hands caused bile to rise up my throat. I turned my head back quickly, everything was spinning. What had I done? My fantasy was slowly turning into a living nightmare.
The extent I knew about the political workings of the Camorra's relationship with the Famiglia was this: Las Vegas good, New York bad. But even I knew who Luca Vitiello was. The big bad wolf of any childhood story I was graced to hear. He had a son... Amo. What the hell was I doing? I had single handedly found myself in the home of the enemy. It all clicked into place, the things I always had an inkling about but never took seriously. I don't know how long I sat there behind the wall, my heart pounding, it felt like one of those nightmares where you wanted to run but your legs didn't work. Finally I calmed down enough to come to my common sense. I walked quietly down the corridor, I continued walking around the corner even when I heard my name being called. Someone caught my arm, I jerked back. Seeing it was Amo, for the first time I stepped away from him. For the first time I wanted to hide from him, my face morphed to grief of what had become. "What is wrong? Did something happen?" "I-no." Amo clearly caught the high pitch of my lie. His eyes thinning. God he looked so evil right now. Why was I so blind to what was right in front of me? "Everyone if I could have your attention!" I looked back at the party as someone was standing on a table, clinking a wine glass with an announcement. Nothing made sense while everything I ever knew was falling into place but I couldn't sort through the wreckage of it right now, I needed to get out. Now. Looking around myself, I frantically realized that everyone in this room was somehow connected to the Famiglia. That everyone for this reason had an intention to hurt me, to see me dead. No wonder my family didn't trust me! I had single handedly put myself in the worst possible situation! My breath was erratic and I couldn't handle it. I should have never left my room, I should have never snuck out that- "Margaret." Amo squeezed my arm, the sensation taking me out of my thoughts. "What?" "Are you ok?'' The music came back to my ears, the chatter of the guests returned. "-So if you would follow me outside for the show!" The lady on the table finished saying. Ok, I could figure this out. Breath. Look for an exit. I'll walk back to the hotel and never talk to Amo again. Easy. "I need to leave." I said as casually as I could muster. "You're flushed, there is obviously something wrong. You can talk to me Margaret.'' His sincerity took me off guard. Amo, sweet forlorn Amo. I looked with reverence and grief into his eyes. Enemy. I flinched from the thought. Unwelcome but true. Everything I thought I knew was falling apart, falling to dust. "I... I can't do this I'm-" sorry. I turned sharply, slipping out of his grasp. Walking as fast as I could through the throng of people. The only thing I saw was the door, inconveniently it was also in the path of Allison. She had a look in her eye, but I had half a thought to care. A choked gasp escaped me when the feeling of cold liquid dripped down the front of my dress, the feeling mingled with my emotional state of a broken heart sent a shock wave through me. It felt like there wasn't a single cell of my body that was warm. "Oops, looks like you should watch out where you're going. Don't worry though, mistakes happen, just have to remember to stay away from where you aren't meant to be," her eyes squinted but she smiled condescendingly, yet sweetly for any spectators. A sugary voice of fakeness, a toothache of artificial kindness that was hidden beneath a rotten demeanour. "A mistake?" I laughed sardonically and half psychotic, "just like that nose job was?" Her features contorted into a horrid gasp. I stood there shocked, did I just say that? I had seen her earlier when she thought no one was watching, she was unconsciously touching her nose as someone being self conscious of it would. I knew clearly what it was, a weakness. Dad had always told us to search for others weaknesses, to always keep them on hand so you could deliver the final blow when needed. Of course I never used that advice but I guess I unconsciously saved that information in the back of my mind. My face contorted to fear as I continued to the door. I didn't walk toward the elevator anymore. I couldn't handle being in a closed box right now, I needed fresh air. Unraveled, I felt like a long thread was unwinding and I didn't know what was beneath it. Never had I been the bitchy girl who preyed on insecurities. No matter how much I tried to resist it though, I was part of my family more than I thought, no matter how much I tried to deny it. That meant Amo was as much of his family as I was of mine. We were bound to fight, bound to hate one another on the outskirts of our territory. Drawing lines of rules that were not to be crossed. Ruined. Like a beautiful mirage falling to a marble floor. But it isn't broken yet, it was inches away from the relenting floor but still put together. It wouldn't last, I knew that with complete certainty now. I maneuvered through the crowd as quickly as I could. I pushed open the patio door and didn't stop walking till I was away from the crowd. I grabbed the railing looking straight down to a thousand foot drop. Finally I felt as if I could fill my lungs fully. I closed my eyes, the cool breeze calming me. I opened my eyes again looking straight down, seeing the small specks of people and cars through the fog. Hazy realization came that I was stuck, that I would need to go back inside to get down from this building and I had half a thought to just jump. What was Amo doing to me? As if summoned, I heard his steps coming toward me as I was still trying to calm myself down. Still supporting myself on the railing I spit out, "stay away." I feel like a caged animal, lashing out at anyone who tries to come near. I had become feral in the revelation. "Tell me what is wrong," he says in an annoyingly calm voice, like a parent would use to an overreactive child. I was falling apart, couldn't he see that! "What's wrong?!-" I screamed at him, turning around to him angrily. I had so much to tell him, to scream at him, but when I saw his face the words vanished. Nothing left in its absence to say. Because instead of words the truth came in. There was nothing wrong in this moment. Nothing grotesque, nor horrid. When I really looked at Amo all I felt was warmth and beauty. I turned back to the scenery but I couldn't appreciate any of it. I didn't look on to the city with wide-eyed innocence anymore. A loud boom stopped my heart. I look above me to see a scarlet red explosion. Fireworks. The crowd that was huddled outside in the opposing corner of the wide balcony, awed at the scene. I was still numb to all of it. "What's wrong is... you bring out the worst in me. I don't recognize myself anymore Amo and that scares me more than anything. I don't want to become this person and... I need to leave." I didn't realize I was crying till the last part. I needed to blame someone for this torturous feeling that was constraining my body. I wanted it to stop. "For the both of us, I need to leave, and please, please don't come after me," I said gentler, pleadingly. But he listened. In my state I didn't see that the whole time he was inching closer to me. Without me noticing, so that when he was so close to me that I could feel the heat of his body, I leaned in a fraction without freaking out. He held me close, the feeling of tension in my body was soothed and through watery eyes, looking over his shoulder, I watched the explosions of colors in the night sky. Falling down to the cold city below.
I kept staring into the mirror, my eyes were red but only held sadness now. The beauty counter was a glossy black marble with gold fixtures. Little trinkets adorned the top of it. Little glass perfume bottles in elaborate designs, little bowls with golden necklaces hanging out of them. Pearl earrings resting in velvet boxes. Silk cloth and tiny frames that I couldn't see what they held in the dim light, but looked like family pictures. Signs of a life well lived. The only light was from the mirror's soft glow. It altered my appearance into someone I didn't recognize. I kept staring into my eyes. I came to the realization that I didn't know myself anymore, I kept searching for something that felt familiar. What was wrong with me? The stark reality was that there was no going back. I couldn't fit myself into the person I used to be, I'd grown so much and I couldn't squeeze myself back into my old life. The feeling was like the first frost of fall, a howling wind that shook me to the core... and then it was gone. There was no reason to hold onto the past anymore. I had to come out of denial and accept where I was. "Amo seems happy." It was said almost in a whisper, the space was so ambient that anything else would feel too harsh. We were hiding above the party, the room was dark. She had long blond hair and a calm demeanour, nothing like Amo despite being his mother. I could see the landscape of the city lights in the reflection of the mirror. I wouldn't call Amo happy. He was in a constant pessimistic and disappointed state anytime I saw him. "I wouldn't know, I haven't known Amo long enough to judge his character." "He relates to you. He normally does not show himself to people he doesn't trust with his life, even then he's cautious. Always working within the lines of what he wants." My hair pulled as she put it back. "He has plans. Always has since he was little," she continued. "I suppose that is what happiness is to Amo, being devoted to something he wants. To achieve what he is determined to do." Anything in the way of what he wanted was misery. I couldn't be that person to stop him from getting what he relentlessly worked towards. I couldn't live with myself knowing I was the reason his dreams wouldn't come true. "Hardly anything works out the way we plan it to. He's changed his plans before." She pursed her lips as if hesitating to say something. "He thinks he wants what Luca wants, he's modified his wishes to please his father. I don't think they're all his own." "I don't know how this relates to me," I said softly but sadly. I was an outsider here, an enemy. She shouldn't be telling me these things. These things hurtfully reaffirmed that I had no privilege to be in Amo's life. "I know you have your own plans but no matter how things happen, just be open to how they might change. That's my experience and you don't have to take that advice if you don't want to but if things don't go as planned, just know it's always for the better." "I really hope that's true... nothing seems that way right now." Someone was calling for her downstairs. She swallowed, patting my shoulder, "there, you look beautiful." She said in a formal voice, as if everything else was a secret. She caught my gaze in the mirror before she left. I heard her steps on the stairs. I breathed in a deep sigh. Pulling my gaze away from the reflection in the mirror. Standing up was the first time I saw the dress. Something that looked like you couldn't buy it in any store. It felt like it was stitched to every inch of my body. The fabric was shimmery and long, a distinguished green color. I looked grown up, to say the least. I walked to the stairs recognizing I had unintentionally become more intertwined with the very thing I was trying to run away from. I had her dress. Something of hers I now held and would remind me of all of this. It had been her dress when she was younger, she said her daughter didn't want it so she gave it to me. All of this was too much, too much kindness from someone I wasn't allowed to have kindness from. It left my brain in a whirlwind of contradictions. When I walked down the stairs, Amo took my hand and guided me through the party. I didn't notice the others as we walked through a faceless crowd. The elevator doors closed and I leaned my head on Amo's shoulder as we descended down. My panic was over and all that was left was a calm sea, so still I could see everything so clearly. The storm changed everything in the ways I least expected it. The weirdest part was that I felt safer with Amo, which denied everything I knew. Maybe this whole thing was bound to break into a thousand heartbreaking pieces, but it wasn't ruined yet, hanging by a thread perhaps. But I would try anything to prolong the inevitable,
the crash.
Song - Would've, Could've, Should've, Taylor Swift