I sit on the roof. Y/n had followed me.
"What are you doing!?" He shouts. "Going yo kill myself? And why do you care!? You just hurt me!" I shout looking over the edge and he grabs me. "Well I don't want you to do that" he shouts. "What, so you can keep hurting me!?" I shout. He drags me down. "No." He says.
Once we get back inside I sit on the couch numbly. No emotion.
Just nothingness.
"GUYS, he got onto the roof again. He's a walking suicide bomb!" I overhear Y/n say. I just scoff and stare at the floor.
Y/n's pov
Im trying so hard to make sure copia knows I care for him. I had alot going on I was sorting jobs out around the ministry we never did as we went out earlier.
I'm trying! I really am! But he still thinks I want to keep hurting him. Oh fuck.
Have I..
Traumatised him..?
Mountain notices me spacing out. I regret everything, coming out, drinking anything. everything.
"You good?" He asks. "It dosent matter." I say. "It does matter" he says. "No, it's not about me I ALWAYS make it about myself. Papa told me so. He went off at me for 10 minutes earlier and that's one of the things he said so.." I say making sure I don't cry. Because it's how I make it about myself.
"If you excuse me ill be going into my room" I say as it hasn't been made into a practice room yet. Still my room. It's 5:30pm. We haven't eaten yet, I can't be bothered to be honest. I just lay on my floor and think to myself numbly.
"Im making it about myself again" "people are coming to worry about me" "Papa is right." "Im nothing but selfish".
I just dissociate so I can stop thinking. Intrusive thoughts end up taking over my mind.
Thoughts of him being dead, thoughts of killing myself, thoughts of killing EVERYONE and leaving. Why.
WHATS WRONG WITH ME..
I sob. Why did I need to be made like this? Why! I'm fucked up in the brain. I honestly can't anymore. I'm so guilty. Even if it's not really Mt fault I'll beleive it is. I'm the problem. I always am. I'll probably kill myself and papa will still say "making it about him again?"
My mother was like that. "Oh I don't matter I'd be better off dead and you wouldn't care!" Making me feel as if it's my fault. I feel like everything needs to be sorted by me
[relateable lol]
I get up and slap myself. "This isn't about me! Why can't I get that through my thick fucking skull! I hate it, i hate myself omfg-!" I shout angrily. I calmed down. I look at my hands and sigh. I look in the cracked mirror next to my wardrobe. I have a huge mark from where I slapped myself. Fuck. It's fine. I'll cover it with my mask.
I walk out stumbling slightly.
"Y/n you're back.." copia says. "Hm." I hum. "I know you might be upset with me-" I interrupt him "yes. You did. I was busy earlier. I had alot on as NOBODY did the ministry work before going out. I had to clean, I had to sort clothes, I had to take out the trash, I had to do everything! I couldn't physically visit you, my mother when I was FUCKING 10 upset to tell me how she hated me, how she made me feel like everything was "my fault" and deadnaming me obviously and saying shit like "Oh if I were to kill myself nobody would care" and you saying shit like that is reawakening childhood trauma. That's why I can't fucking say or do anything!" I shout starting to sob. "Im sorry but-" I interrupt again. "Haven't I given enough? My productivity battery is at an all time ZERO." I can't really say anything anymore. I'm just crying.
Copia's pov
I had no idea I had hurt him this bad. fuck.
I've reminded him of his childhood trauma.
I just stay silent for a bit.
"Im..im sorry. I didnt-" I sigh.
"I didn't know, it was foolish of me..I shouldn't have went of on you like that. I guess I was a bit dramatic." I say.
He sighs. The glow on his tail changed. Its so much duller. That means just numb.
"I'll be sleeping on my own tonight if that's okay." He managed to sputter. "Yeah..of course." I say.
It got to 8pm and nobody got dinner, they just made themself something.
For the past few days I lock myself in my room. Unsure of what y/n is doing. In my mini fridge I have energy drinks and only a small amount of food, I don't really plan on eating much so,..
I sit in my room laying there doing fuck all. I keep scrolling on twitter, I see cool art, sad art, fanfics, incest...ew.. and hating about me. Just in general. Why. I didn't do ANYTHING TO THEM. I cry.
I look at a blade. I'll do it again. Just one more.
I dissociate for about 5 minutes before deciding.
I go into the drawers a d grab a sharpener and I open it. Shouldn't let me have screwdrivers..
I relapse after a few hours being clean. Its way deeper than last time.
It went white. My heart drops.
Shit. I fucked up. After a few seconds a stream of blood pours out. Shit. There's so much blood. Covered I'm fading. And I pass out.
Cumulus' pov
*thud*
I hear walking past y/n's room. I knock, "Hey everything okay in there?" I ask.
No reply
I knock harder and rattling the door knob. "Hello??" I shout. Banging on the door and still no response. I panicked ohhh fuck. I couldn't move and I sob quietly. "Papa-?" I shout. "..hm..-?" I hear. "UNLOCK THE DOOR" I shout. "I..can't move.." he says. "Im bleeding out" he says faintly. Okay ohh fuck OH FUCK. I repeatedly swear until I shout some of the others.
"GUYS PAPA IS..HES HURT AGAIN." I shout
"I also eh..took some pills.." he mumbles. "HELP" I scream.
Finally Rain, aether and swiss head over. They all at once barge the door open to see papa covered in blood.
"I feel sick.." he says and passes out again. Y/n must've heard me shouting and was staring in absolute horror.
He couldn't move, breathe, speak. Nothing. I was frozen.
Y/n's pov
I sit and hold him In my arms
"No..no no! Papa no! Don't do this PLEASE be joking!" He wakes up and I grab a bucket for him to throw up in.
Fuck.
He'd overdosed again.
He coughs."I.. uh-.I'm sorry." He choked.."no..no no don't be papa i... don't die..please!" I shout starting to sob hard."Uh.. " he says spacing out again before passing out. "Someone call an ambulance! " I shout. "I have" Cumulus shouts.
I check for a pulse. No pulse.
OH FUCK. NO NO NO NO NO THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING.
"NO NO NO NO" I scream. "What is it-?" Sodo shouts half naked as he was in the shower. His long blonde hair still damp. "No, NO PULSE." I sputter. "Oh shit I, AETHER DO CPR ON HIM" Sodo screams. That's the first time I properly seen him cry. I sit holding him.
"It's all my fault..Its all because of me. I uh.." I stammer. "How come." Rain says. "Because, uh..i" I didn't really have a reason..I just knew it had to be my fault.
"It's not working someone please!" I shout.
The ambiance arrives.
"How long has he had no pulse?" The paramedics ask. "Uh fi..five minutes!" I sob. At this pint I was shaking.
On our way to the hospital he gasps for air. "Stay awake for use please sir, how old are you?" He was unresponsive. He passes out again and his heart stops again..
"No!..omg.." I shout.
We get to the hospital and I wait in the waiting room covered in blood. "You okay?" Someone asks. "...my boyfriend might be dead.." I say crying. "Oh..what happened? If you don't mind me asking." Xe says "I.. dont want to talk about it.." I stammer. "Oh that's understandable. I'm theo! You are..?" He says. "Im y/n.." I sob into my hands as xe put his hand over me into a hug."I know what loss feels like, I won't make it about me though. I'm sure he'll be okay" xe comforts.
"Y/n may we see you please." A doctor says. I get up nervously.
"Im so sorry.." she says.
"What-?" I say shaking.
I walk In and he was sleeping, so I thought..
"Time of death, 9:32pm
Cause of death, suicidal overdose"
I walk over. "Copia.." I sob and hold his hand.
"No..no..no" I sob. "He can't be..right? You're kidding.." I say under my hyperventilating. "Unfortunately not.." they say.
I fall to my knees and sob at the side of his bed. "I couldn't say I love you..im so sorry..its all my fault I made you feel this way..im so fucking sorry.." I shout.
The other ghouls walk in.
"Papa.." sodo says shakily.
"What's wrong with you!?" He shouts at me. "Im sorry! I'm so fucking sorry!" I shout. "Calm down." Theo shouts. "Theo? What sre you doing here??" I say. "He was my uncle." He says. "Oh..Well that'd make me your uncle also." I say hugging him. He started crying. I hold him tight and cry too.
I can still hear his laugh, his voice, his compliments, his names He gave me. The fun times we had together. His smile.
I can't process this.
Time came that we had to go, I really didn't want to. But we head back. I take a long walk.
I keep thinking I'm seeing him from the corner of my eye.
Mabye it was his ghost. Idk.
I get inside the ministry.amd walk into his room. The sisters and brothers of sin cleaned it from blood and puke. I sob at the sight. I completely broke down.
I was screaming.
I cried so hard my head and heart ached. I just want him back. I feel a hand on me and a fain voice that sounds like papa. Its his spirit.
"Im with you always~"
He didn't lie.
I see a pile of letters. One for each of the band members theo his nephew and sister imperator.
I give them out still crying.
I couldn't open mine. I couldn't.
A few days later I gained the courage to open it.
"Mio caro, y/n.
I'm so sorry if you are reading this, that means I'm dead.
But, I've left the deal in your hands. You were my right hand man. I've decided, that you should be the next papa. I've given my letter to sister imperitor.
Just know, I've always loved you. I have till the end. It wasn't your fault. I'm so sorry for hurting you in the past, reminding you of your past a d childhood. We've both had our problems, but please, live your life as papa. Live long. Live the life couldn't.
I love you. Please, I'm passing the torch to you. Take over my role as papa. I know it isn't really up to me to decide, but you can do it. I know you aren't related to me in the slightest but this is now your job.
Until we meet again, caro.
- Copia ♡"
I finish reading it. I sob.
He wanted ME to be papa. I was his right hand man. Sure I wasn't a cardinal, but he wanted me to be PAPA.
"May I see y/n please, thankyou" sister says over the speakers.
I walk to his old office. Where sister was.
"I have some big news for you." She says.
"What is it?" I ask. My face is gross from crying.
"I've read the letter from my son, he wants you to be papa, as he is dead now and there's nobody else behind him, I've decided to make you papa." She says.
"That's.. wonderful. I'll make sure to keep the torch bright." I say tearing up. She looks down. "You know..I've never really seen him as a papa, because he's my son..I didn't want him to die. But here we are discussing funeral plans. You knew him the most. What would he have wanted?" She asks tearing up. "Well, he'd want a public funeral, open casket over to his grave, but nobody that just wants to get famous there." I say. I see his spirit nodding in approvement. "What are you smiling at?" She questions. "His spirit. I.. can still see him." I say. "Oh..papa." she says. It feels so weird. "You'll need papa facepaint for the funeral, that's when you'll announce being the new papa." She says.
"Okay." I nod.
Days pass a d its the day before the funeral.
"Who will be the new papa-?" Swiss asks aether."papas right hand man I think." He says. "Did he even have one?" Sodo asks "I don't think so, the only person I can think of is y/n but they aren't related so.." swiss says. I sigh. I go and sit with them. "how're you holding up?" Sodo asks. "Shit" i say.
"Same, I'm really fucking sorry for shouting at you in the hospital. I read my letter and it cleared everything for me.
I nod.
Everything is so quiet.
It's not the same without papa.
It will never be the same.