Hex kissed me goodbye this morning as he was leaving for work. I woke up in time for work but found myself laying in bed until well past my alarm and eventually past the time I was due to be at work.
I texted Harley and said I wasn't feeling great. That was a lie, I feel fine, physically at least. But something was stirring in my gut. Something about the conversation with Hex last night had stirred up emotions that I'm not sure how to handle.
I had agreed in the moment partly because I believed that by the time we're ready for children I would have changed my mind but the clarity that came with waking up this morning had installed the fear that that may never happen. Would Hex be okay with that?
I also agreed because I didn't want to argue. We hadn't been arguing lately but the slow feeling of distance between us had been felt; on my end at least. I had wondered if Hex had felt the distance or noticed it but he never mentioned it. I wouldn't be surprised if he hadn't noticed, he has a lot going on at the moment with Wyonna and even though he won't admit it I know that the whole situation with Amos and Ace is bothering him. Whether he's worried or angry, I don't know but I can feel it in our bond. Its affecting him.
I don't want to be alone today but Harley and Hex were both at work. I even consider calling Josie but we had drifted over the last few months except for the occasional text. I don't want to come out of nowhere and dump a load of bullshit on her, especially now that she's a mother; she has enough on her plate.
And so I found myself at mums front door in the early morning hours of this chilly Thursday. I should've been at work half an hour ago but the frost that sticks to the grass and the fog that lines the streets, leaving my car windows frosted makes me glad I'm here instead.
I park in mums driveway and lock my car.
A ping from my phone stops me at the bottom of the steps leading up to her front door as I pull it out of my pocket.
My heart pounds when I see it's Hex.
Harley said you're not at work; everything okay?
I should be well past the point of feeling heart flutters when Hex texts me but even after all these years he still makes my heart beat faster.
Everything's fine, just not feeling work today. Don't tell Harley.
I put the phone back in my pocket and jog up the steps. I don't get the chance to raise my hand and knock on the door as mum pulls it open. She's still dressed in her dressing gown and pulls it tight around her as the cold air that blows inside her apartment.
"Honey! What are you doing here?" She asks as she opens her arms and embraces me, kissing my cheek in the process.
"Thought I'd come hang out for the day. Were you still in bed?" I question as I pull back. It may still be early but mum was never one to sleep in and always someone who woke at the crack of dawn.
Her unruly hair gave away the fact that she had just rolled out of bed; she must have seen me from her bedroom window.
I take a step to enter the apartment but pause abruptly when someone else comes into view.
"I had fun; I'll see you later" Brian presses a kiss to mums cheek. He's dressed in a suit with dress shoes and carry's a briefcase that reminds me of the one Charlie carry's. He had stayed the night and he still hadn't noticed me standing less than five feet from them.
He turns to head out the door but stops as he sees me blocking his way. I move out of the way and wave him through as he walks past.
"Morning Poppy" he says quietly he hides his eyes by tipping his head as a hello and also a goodbye. He scurries to his car that I hadn't noticed had been parked across the street.
"Mornin' Brian" I call but he's already half way across the yard, walking quickly towards his car.
I turn back to mum and see the red blush that takes over her cheeks.
I guess I now know why she had still been in bed.
"Can I come in?" I ask, trying my best to hold back my laughter to not embarrass her further.
Mum says nothing but holds the door open for me to enter.
"He just dropped by to say hello" mum mutters behind me as we walk into the kitchen. Her excuse nearly breaks the seal of my lips but I hold it back.
"Mum, its fine" I reassure her "you're a grown woman, you can do what you want" somehow her blush spreads further.
I watch as she fiddles with the kettle and turns it on before gathering everything she needs to make coffee.
"So, you're keeping him around?" I ask as she turns to face me, her blush much calmer now.
She shrugs "I don't know. Its nothing serious."
"I like Brian, he treats you well" I encourage her. I had only met him once. Well, twice now and both times he had been attentive to mum which is what she needs after all the years she spent being overlooked by dad.
She still seems uncertain and avoids my eyes as the kettle clicks off and the steam escapes from inside.
"I don't know if he's got what I want" I barely hear her over the sound of her pouring the hot water into a mug.
"What do you want?" I ask.
"I don't know" she shrugs again. I watch her move around the kitchen.
"You don't... you don't think you're subconsciously looking for someone like dad, do you?" I ask almost hesitantly. I already know the answer but I hope that she still says no.
She turns and faces me while taking a sip from the mug, her eyes speaking words that she won't say.
"Your relationship with dad wasn't healthy, mum" I say, my voice unintentionally turning harsh. She had just escaped dad, the last thing she needs is another relationship like her previous.
"I know, honey" she blows over the rim of her mug. "I hadn't realised I was looking for aspects of my relationship with your father until you said it" she seems disappointed in herself when she realises the truth. "But I was with your father for a long time honey, and I guess I took parts of it with me even if I didn't want to."
I ignore the disgust that crawls through me when she calls him my father. A father loves and respects his daughter and her decisions; he did the complete opposite. I can't help but feel sorry for her, she may have left the relationship but parts of it had followed her.
"I really think Brian could be good for you, mum" I break the silence that had filled the kitchen.
The corners of her mouth turn up in a little smile as she sips again. "We've got dinner reservations tonight."
"Have fun" I wiggle my eyebrows at her and instead of blushing she rolls her eyes back at me.
"Speaking of your father" mum starts up conversation again.
I blow out a breath "do we have to talk about him?" I complain, whining like a child.
Mum ignores me and leans back against the counter behind her.
"He got married over the weekend" she watches me closely for a reaction and I do the same to her. I had completely forgotten that he had invited mum and I to his wedding months ago. I don't even know the name if his fiancée –now wife – and I don't care to find out.
"I forgot about that" I confess.
"I figured you did" mum doesn't seem bothered by the news, if anything she seems relieved.
"Did you go?" I ask, not sure if I want to know the answer.
"Absolutely not" she looks at me like I'm crazy. "Besides, it wasn't an actually wedding" she smirks over the top of her mug once again.
My eyebrows pull together, what is she talking about?
"What?"
"Did you forget that Platonic's and Darling's can't divorce, honey?" She asks. I had forgotten. I guess everything between mum and dad had been along the lines of a divorce except legally; I hadn't even thought about it.
"How did he marry her then?" I ask. Its illegal to have two wives, unless he found someone to do it under the table somehow.
"It was just a ceremony" mum says. "They're not legally married" she dumps the last remaining bit of her coffee into the sink.
"Oh" I say quietly. A smile creeps onto my face "I know she hates that" I say as I remember the sour look on the face of dads new wife when she had arrived at my wedding. It was the only time I had ever seen her. I had no idea where she came from; she definitely wasn't the woman that Hex and I had seen at the gas station; she was older.
"Good luck to her" mum says with finality.
I spend the rest of the day with mum talking about anything that came to mind. I wanted to tell her about the conversion with Hex last night but at the same time I knew she would take Hex's side on the baby argument; and that realisation only makes me feel worst. If I never come around to wanting children then it's not only Hex I'm taking that away from; it's mum too.
I'm her only child and only chance at grandchildren. She had been patient even though she had been ready for grandbabies since I first got with West. I saw the hope in her eyes when I started dating Hex, she was hoping that finding my Darling would change my mind but so far that hadn't happened.