After my day spent in hospital, it was hard to think that life wasn't giving me every sign, guiding me to believe that maybe Leah and I were closer to marriage than my insecure mind wanted to believe. After all, Leah did constantly remind me that she would love me for the rest of her life. That's the same as marriage, right? Well, that's what I told myself anyway—anything to help me sleep at night.
The time had come again for a Williamson party, an event that I felt privileged to attend. Disbelief filled my mind as I sat in the middle of this close-knit family, exchanging stories and feeling like they had been a part of me for my entire life. Leah ensured she mingled at these parties, but her eyes didn't leave me for too long. I would often glance in her direction, trying to secretly admire her as she spoke, my eyes being met with hers already firmly fixated on me.
As the party began to draw to a close, we played one last game. This one, however, only included myself, Leah, Jacob, Holly, and Ben. Leah pulled me onto her knee as the game began, her arms locked tightly around my waist and frequent kisses landing on my shoulder through the material of the hoodie she had selflessly given me to keep me warm despite her own shivering frame. In those moments, I felt like Leah was proud of me—proud to have me, proud to let others know that she got to hold me in a way that no one else did.
Holly explained the rules of the game to me directly, knowing I hadn't been a part of this tradition before. She told me that we would go around the group; each person would spin the rotating arrow, and whoever it landed on would be asked a question. This question should be the first thing that comes to mind. The person being asked the question then has to answer the question honestly and give one reason why their answer is true. It was harmless fun that seemed like a good idea to five intoxicated adults.
Jacob went first, his arrow landing on Leah, and his question sent us all into a loud round of laughter.
"Do you secretly want to play for Spurs?" He asked with his face straight.
"Absolutely not, my reason being that they're shit." Leah giggled.
Multiple rounds of the game were played, and various types of questions were asked, from secret crushes to Ben asking if I had been secretly gutted that Amanda and Leah had intruded on our Christmas that year. Of course, my answer was no, my reason being that it had been the best Christmas of my life. As I gave my answer, Leah's hand gently stroked my stomach, her lips once again finding my shoulder.
As we entered the final round, Jacob spun the arrow and let out a loud "ha" as it landed on me.
"Would you marry my sister, like right now?" Jacob smirked at me.
Fuck. I can't say yes. My mind spun into the next century as I struggled to think of the appropriate answer. This game was about truth, my truth being that I would marry Leah in a heartbeat, but I couldn't say that. It was far too soon; she would run a mile. I composed myself as Jacob tapped at his imaginary watch, letting me know that he wasn't willing to wait for a thoroughly thought-through answer.
"Jesus Jacob. No, not right now, but one day, I hope." I smiled, expecting to feel Leah's grip tighten or at least a peck on my shoulder.
"Your reason?" He pried.
"Well, we have only been together a short time. Yeah. That's my reason. Just time, really."
Leah didn't flinch; there was no supportive affection from her at all. I wondered if she was freaked out by my admission that I was hoping for marriage one day. The game continued as Ben and Holly took their turns, ending with a question regarding some teenage girlfriend that Jacob had been obsessed with when he was younger.
With the ending of the game, Leah announced she needed the toilet and basically threw me off her lap. I tried not to overthink it, convincing my mind that she had just broken the seal and was desperate to pee, but my heart knew that she was taken aback by my answer, not the reason why.
Leah appeared at the patio doors, calling my name and telling me that our taxi was two minutes away. Her demeanour had changed significantly, so much so that Holly briefly mentioned it to me as I hugged her goodbye.
"What's up with Leah?" She whispered.
"I have no idea. I'll sort it." I whispered back as I released her from the hug.
The taxi ride home was awkward. I tried to take Leah's hand, but she pretended not to notice and reached for her phone instead. My heart sank as the realisation that tonight wouldn't end as I thought it would hit me. I stared out the window, trying to remember funny videos I had watched before to prevent the tears that I could feel at the back of my eyes from escaping.
Leah entered the house and went straight to bed, not even announcing her departure from the kitchen once she had finished her glass of water. I thought of giving her space, knowing that might help the situation, but my heart seemed to always gravitate towards her. I pulled back the covers gently, watching as she pretended to be asleep already but knowing that she wasn't. I turned off the lights, remembering that this made it easier for her to talk. I climbed in beside her and placed my arm around her, immediately feeling her turn her body to face away from me.
"Le." I whispered, but there was no response.
"Le, I know you aren't asleep. What happened?" I spoke again, still pressed against her back with my arm around her waist.
"You know what happened." She sighed.
"Was it the marriage thing?"
"It doesn't matter."
"It matters to me."
Leah gently removed my arm from around her, causing me to shift backward. I sighed gently and turned to face the other way too. I knew I wouldn't sleep, but I hoped that Leah would, not wanting to let my tears fall as she lay awake beside me. We lay back to back, in painful silence, for the next half hour before Leah spoke again.
"You don't think that's something we should talk about before you tell my family members?" Leah grunted.
"It was a game!" I scoffed back.
"You could've refused to answer it."
"I can't hide how I feel, Leah."
"Well, you should have. You should have at least respected me. I'm such a fucking idiot."
"They aren't going to think anything of it! They'll just think that I gave an honest answer."
"Yeah, and now I look like a complete dick after the things I've been saying to them." Leah pulled herself into a ball on her own side of the bed.
My heart sank at her comment. I began to discover that Leah had been telling her family that she didn't see me as the person she would marry. What had this been about: the support, the love, and moving in together? Why do that if she doesn't see a future in marriage with me? I thought of the times I had told Rhys that Leah was my final love, feeling embarrassed that she had been telling her family that I was nothing but a stepping stone in her life.
"I'm going downstairs. Night, Leah."
I eased out of bed, holding my breath for fear of the sobs escaping before I was out of her earshot. As I closed the door, I decided to give Leah an I love you, hoping that I could remind her that I'm a human with feelings too—those feelings that had been severally hurt by her revelation that she was more worried about looking bad to her family for the things she had been saying than what hearing that had done to me.
"Just go, Sophie." Go. Fuck off!" Leah raised her voice slightly.
Once I was out of the room, I felt tears roll down my cheeks, and my heart completely shattered. A simple I'm not ready to think about that yet would've been enough. She didn't need to be so cruel.
So much for happy ever after.