I hadn't felt so conflicted in a long time. On one hand, I had Mitchell whom I'd neglected without realizing. Our relationship was hanging by a loose string and every move I made felt crucial for us. On the other hand, I had Leo who was terribly ill and in hospital critical. I needed to be there for him but also couldn't let Mitchell down when I promised to be with him.
'The doctors are running tests right now. I don't know what happened Mila, he was fine one second, and the next he collapsed.'
Lorenzo's words rang in my ears and I grew more worried and tense. I had no idea what happened to Leo and each second away had me on edge. My heart raced and my skin prickled from anxiety and despair.
What if Leo doesn't make it? What if while having a great time with Mitchell and his family, I lose one of the most important people in my life, again?
Leo needed me more at that moment and I hoped Mitchell would've understood my predicament. I told the driver to take me to the hospital and each second on the road felt like a lifetime. If I went to Mitchell's place, I would've only been physically present but my mind and heart would've been with Leo.
Me: Leo's in the hospital and not doing so great. I'm making a quick detour to check on him and might be late. I'm sorry, love you.
I sent a brief text to Mitchell and informed him why I'd be late. I hoped he'd understand and not get mad. He hadn't read my text right up until I reached the hospital. I stopped checking the minute I got out of the car and rushed inside. My main focus was to see Leo and make sure he was alright.
I froze when I saw Lorenzo and Leo's parents. Leo's mom had tears in her eyes while his dad comforted her and Lorenzo paced back and forth. Their reaction scared me even more and I didn't know what to make of the scene.
Unable to move, I went back to the time I walked into a hospital and saw Abuela and Papa in a similar state as Leo's parents. I was terrified and couldn't stop my mind from assuming the worst.
What if I'm already too late?
"Lorenzo." I shook away my absurd thoughts and rushed down the hall. "Where is he? What happened?"
Lorenzo stopped pacing and I saw the worry on his face. His hair was disheveled and there were dark circles under his eyes. "Hi, Mila, I'm sorry if I caused panic. I didn't know what else to do. The doctors are taking forever with the tests and aren't giving us any answers."
It seemed I needed to be calm because Leo's family was on the verge of hysteria. His mom got up from her seat as soon as she saw me and immediately asked questions about Leo's condition.
"Calm down, Cara mia," Lorenzo's dad softly spoke. "Mila just got here, she doesn't know any more than we do."
I placed a comforting hand on Leo's mom's shoulder. "I'll see what I can find out."
Unfortunately, until Leo's test results were in, I couldn't find anything out. I tried to see his doctor but she was busy examining him so I was at much in the dark and anxious as Leo's family. Seconds felt like hours and minutes felt like lifetimes while we waited. I got Leo's parents to calm down but I was anything but.
Lorenzo informed me about what happened. Leo was fine all day or at least he pretended to be until he suddenly got chest pains and couldn't breathe. They called 911 but Leo passed out before they arrived.
After what felt like eons, Leo's doctor finally spoke to us. I was glad to hear that Leo was stable. The doctor informed us that Leo had pneumonia and they found a couple of clots in his lungs as well. My years of medical study and training went down the drain as each word left the doctor's mouth and my mind went blank. All I heard was that if Leo was brought in later, we could've lost him.
Mom died of pneumonia. What if this is a cruel way of history repeating itself?
"There is no need to panic. We are treating him promptly. His life isn't in danger at this moment," The doctor's voice cut my thoughts brief. "I'll allow visitors, one at a time in another fifteen minutes. However, please take care and don't get the patient worked up in any way."
Lorenzo turned to me. "Could you summarize what she just said in simpler terms?"
I opened my mouth, shut it, and opened it again but was left at a loss for words. "I don't know..." I took in a shaky breath and ran my hands through my hair. "I need a minute, I'll be right back."
I ran out for some air. My body felt frozen but frantic at the same time. I needed more than a minute to comprehend everything I just heard. I shut my eyes, took in many deep breaths, and tried to calm down. Once I felt a little better, I calmly recalled the doctor's words and understood what she said a lot better.
Leo was sick and he also underwent chemotherapy which weakened his immune system substantially. He was prone to viruses and bacterial infections and feeling it a lot worse than a healthy person. I hadn't dealt with many cancer patients in my limited medical experience but pneumonia and even getting clots weren't uncommon. Of course, everyone reacted differently but we were fortunate to live in a time where medication was available to treat the patient successfully most of the time.
I composed myself and went back to meet Leo's family. Leo's mom was with him and I apologized to Lorenzo for acting the way I did. Lorenzo understood and appeared to sympathize with me. I felt undeserving because we were all worried for Leo and in the same boat.
I explained what I knew and assured Lorenzo and his dad that Leo was okay and could make it through this. I managed to convince them but I was still pretty much a mess on the inside and scared out of my wits.
Rightfully, Leo's family visited him first while I tried to get as much information as I could about his condition. Deep down, I knew it wasn't the only information that I wanted but also reassurance that he was going to be alright.
I was at the hospital for well over ninety minutes and when I checked, Mitchell still hadn't even read my text. My thumb danced over his contact and I contemplated calling him. I was a little afraid of his reaction and my gut told me that he wasn't going to be pleased but another part of me knew he'd have understood my predicament.
I eventually pressed call and my stomach was in knots as his phone rang. I anxiously waited for him to answer but his phone went straight to voicemail. I sighed and assumed he was busy so decided to call back later.
Please don't be mad.
I finished two cups of coffee before it was my turn to see Leo. Consuming caffeine didn't help my anxiety but it distracted me while I waited. Lorenzo informed me that he was headed home with his parents for a while to check on Nina and Gemma.
"Will you still be here when I'm back?" Lorenzo asked. "I can't ask you to wait but I feel uneasy leaving Leo alone."
"I'll be here," I promised.
I made sure my surgical mask was on properly and took slow steps toward the private room Leo was shifted into. I opened the door and shut it as quietly as I could when I saw Leo's eyes closed. My heart felt heavy and a lump grew in my throat when I looked at him. He wore an oxygen mask and had an IV attached to his arm. He appeared weak and ill. Leo often wore a beanie ever since her shaved off his hair but he didn't have it on and seeing him like that shattered my heart – it reminded me of his awful state.
He must've been exhausted. I turned around and thought I'd visit later. However, Leo somehow knew I was there and called out to me.
"Leaving without as much as a hi?"
Hearing his voice and him teasing me felt like a huge weight was lifted off my chest. I spun around and ran toward him. Leo coughed and my first instinct was to help but there was nothing I could've done at that moment.
"How are you feeling?"
Leo was about to remove the oxygen mask to respond but I gripped his hand and shook my head. "You can answer with gestures."
Leo sighed and showed me a thumbs-up. I shook my head and caressed his hand. "You don't have to lie to me."
Leo gulped and stared at me for a long moment. I could tell he was scared and unsure but put on a brave face for his loved ones. "You can lie to your family but I understand what's written on your medical files."
Leo took in a deep breath and shut his eyes for a long while. I had the urge to make him feel better and assure him he was going to be alright but I couldn't - not when I didn't know for sure either.
Leo removed his mask and I was ready to protest but he insisted. "Let me speak, please."
"Leo, you need oxygen."
"I can take intervals, just let me talk... please," Leo spoke, breathlessly.
"You said no lies, right?" Leo's voice was soft and hoarse. "Honestly, I don't know how much longer I can fight."
"Leo..."
Leo put on the oxygen mask, took in a few deep breaths, and removed it. "I need someone to hear this. Fighting this thing is killing me quicker than cancer itself."
"The treatment, in and out of hospitals, constantly battling with other health complications, and worst of all," Leo paused for oxygen. "Seeing the people I care about hurt because of me."
"I know it's hard but it'll get better, I promise."
"Are you saying that as my friend or as a doctor?"
I hesitated and Leo understood I comforted him as a friend because as a doctor, I wasn't sure if he was going to get better or not.
I looked away and nervously cleared my throat. "I'm not an oncologist, I can't give you professional answers."
Leo rolled his eyes. "Don't give me that. I know you can't look at me when you lie."
I met his warm gaze. "Leo..."
"Mila," Leo spoke in the same tone as I. "You're stronger than you let yourself believe and that's why I can express how I really feel."
"You have a high fever and are under some intense medication right now, you don't know how you really feel."
Leo took a small break for oxygen. "I know that I don't feel good. I haven't for a long time now. It feels like my body is slowly giving up every day."
I wasn't sure if I was able to hear him give up but I needed to be strong for him. Leo always came off as happy and without trouble in the world. He never expressed any kind of disappointment or negative feelings he might've had. I always confided in him but he gave off that he had nothing to share with me. For the first time, Leo looked... broken and I owed it to him and our friendship to hear him out.
"The tougher the fight, the bigger the urge of giving up will be. But you're stronger than you believe," I softly said. "A very wise, smartass told me that."
Leo half grinned. "You forgot handsome."
"Very handsome and," I inched a little closer and spoke even softer, "don't tell anyone but he's an amazing chef."
"That's no secret, everyone knows that."
I softly laughed but the lump in my throat grew and my heart got heavier. I caressed his hand and stared into his eyes. "You have to make it, Leo. We need you."
"I want to but..." Leo breathed in oxygen. "I need you to prepare yourself if I don't."
His words stabbed me in the chest and it felt like my heart was slowly breaking. "Don't say that."
"It's a fact that you and my family might have to accept." Leo took in a shaky breath. "I don't know how much more of a fight I have left in me. Something feels different this time, Amore... I can't explain it."
My eyes pooled with tears and I squeezed his hand as if my life depended on it. "Shh, this isn't you speaking, it's the medication."
Lea remained quiet for a long time with the oxygen mask. I could tell all our talking exhausted him. I adjusted his blanket and caressed his cheek with my knuckles. "That's enough for now. You need to rest. I'll be back later."
I got up but Leo grabbed my wrist and stopped me. I glanced at him and it hurt so much to see his eyes pool with unshed tears. With a shaky hand, he removed the mask. "I don't want to die – I want to be healthy again but..." He gulped and for the very first time, I saw Leo so helpless. "This is out of my control which is why I need you to promise me that if I don't make it, you'll be strong."
"I..." I did my best not to cry. "Don't go there. Let's be positive."
"Mila," Leo spoke firmly. "Please."
I half shrugged and blinked the tears out of my eyes. "I can't promise something I'm not sure of." I took a seat beside him again and took his hand in mine. "You're my best friend...my first friend. The first person I fully trusted and opened up to. I don't know what would've become of me if I didn't have you in my life."
My voice cracked and I couldn't keep the tears away anymore. To hide them, I rested my cheek on his hand and shut my eyes. "I can't lose you, Leo. Not now, not ever."
"You'll always have our memories and I've come to realize how priceless those are," Leo softly said. "It's memories of you and everyone I love that's made me fight. I might be gone but no one can ever take away every moment we spent together. Always remember that and move on with that thought."
Tears rolled down my cheeks and the pain I felt in my chest was almost unbearable. "Why are you saying this? You promised you'd fight until the end."
"What if this is the end and I lost the battle?"
I sat up and stared at him through blurry eyes. "No..."
Leo took my hand and brought it to his chest. He breathed in deeply and shut his eyes for a moment. "Can you feel that?" He opened his eyes and a small smile played on his lips. "It's still beating and I'll do my best to keep it that way. For my parents, for my family, for my friends, and you."
"But," he added before I spoke. "If it stops, just know that I did my best to beat this bastard disease."
"You will beat it."
Leo nodded. "And if I don't, you will be alright. It will hurt but you'll get through it. You have so many people who love you and I know they'll support you."
I shook my head. "I won't."
"You will, Mila," Leo said with conviction. "You don't need me anymore. You're not the scared teenager who went through many things you shouldn't have. You're a strong woman who can handle anything. Including losing me."
"You don't know that!" I cried. "The mere thought of a world without you scares the shit out of me! I can't lose another person... not you!"
"I've left and gone MIA before, think of it the same. Just assume I'm out touring the world and having the time of my life."
"Stop," I pleaded. "It isn't the same and you know it."
I lifted his hand and brought it to my cheek. I intertwined our fingers and closed my eyes. "You're going to be fine, just fine. All of this will be over like a bad dream very soon."
A single tear escaped each of his eyes and he faintly smiled. I put on the oxygen mask. "You need to rest."
Leo removed it once more and I was ready to scold him but stopped when he spoke. "I will but stay with me for a while, please?"
He sounded so vulnerable and almost broken that I couldn't turn him down. I wiped away my tears, composed myself, and nodded. I warned him not to remove the mask and instructed him to sleep.
Leo sighed contently and shut his eyes. I checked his vitals and his heartbeat steadied as he relaxed. He didn't let go of my hand and I didn't want him to either as we sat in silence for what felt like a long time.
When I was sure he was asleep, I gently removed his hand and got up. I needed a moment to gather my emotions and he needed all the rest he could've gotten. Just as I turned my back, I heard Leo's voice.
"Mila," he hoarsely said. I glanced over my shoulder and he had his hand out for me to take and I did so.
"You need to rest, Leonardo." I was ready to put on his oxygen mask but he stopped me.
"You weren't just my first friend." Leo's eyes glistened. "You were and still are my first love."
I froze and felt like a wave of emotions just hit me in full force. I didn't know what to say or how to react at that moment - I was stunned.
"I know you don't feel the same way and it's okay, I accept it. But I want you to know that I've always loved you."
Leo's words played in my mind on a loop. "Leo, I don..."
"You don't have to say anything. I know you think I'm high on medication and maybe that's how I got the balls to say it but I needed you to know this... just in case I don't make it."
I was an emotional mess and cried again. Every little moment we shared ever since I met him flashed in my mind, like a kaleidoscope of memories.
"All those years ago," Leo breathed. "I left because I fell in love with you. You weren't in a place for a relationship and my feelings for you overwhelmed me. It came to a point that I didn't know how to act around you and felt selfish for feeling more. You needed a friend more than anything else and I wanted more."
"I realize now it was selfish to leave and not make any contact for years. I guess I was young and stupid and a part of me was also afraid of losing you. I knew if I told you how I felt, you'd run and given what you were going through, I couldn't blame you."
Leo took a small break for oxygen while I stood frozen. I stared at him as tears profusely rolled down my cheeks.
"You were afraid of commitment and I couldn't burden you with a romantic relationship. You weren't ready for that. I couldn't do that to you so I ran."
Leo took my hand and placed it on his chest. "Not a day has gone by that I didn't love you, Mila. Even when you fell in love with someone else, it hurt like hell but I still loved you. It killed me to pull away and hurt your feelings but I guess I was just protecting myself."
"I'm sorry," Leo whispered. "For the pain I caused you."
I shook my head and inched closer. "I should be sorry. I never knew but I feel I should've."
"You're smart but also so naïve sometimes." Leo grinned. "You never saw me as more than just a friend and I've learned to accept that. I'm just happy that you're in my life."
"Maybe," Leo gasped for air. "Maybe if I didn't leave, I could've stood a chance, eh?"
I thought over his words for a long moment and remembered how Leo was the only person I had when I felt the loneliest. He was there for me during my worst and darkest times and never asked for anything in return. I cared deeply for him and perhaps I was too young, naïve, and closed-off to understand love back then. Could I have loved him back then and not known it?
"Most likely," I said honestly. "Thank you for always thinking of me first."
Leo caressed my hand. "You needed a friend more than anything else and that's what I swore to always be."
I broke down and cried my heart out. "You can't leave, Leo. Not just for me or your family but you. You've barely lived. You have so much more to do, like fall in love with someone deserving who'd love as deeply, purely, and selflessly as you."
Leo extended his other hand and wiped away my tears. He shook his head even though he had tears pooled in his eyes. "You look terrible when you cry."
I laughed through the sobs and he laughed with me. There was a brief moment between us and it felt... peaceful.
"I hated Clarke, envied him for getting the one person I always wanted," Leo softly said. "But now, I respect him. He's the right one for you and seeing you so happy with him, makes me happy. You can live for both of us. That'll be enough for me."
"Leo, no," I cried.
"Make sure you tell him how lucky he is." Leo gulped. "He has my world in his hands. He better take care of you and never hurt you. Or I'd haunt his ass for as long as he lives."
"Stop saying that," I helplessly sobbed. "You're going to make it, okay! Or I'll kill you!"
I rested my cheek on his chest and his heartbeat somehow calmed me down a smidge. Leo caressed my hair. "I'll try my best, Amore." Leo brought my hand to his lips and gently kissed my knuckles. "I promise."
"I'd like to sleep for some time," Leo muttered. "Is that okay?"
I sat up, wiped my eyes, and nodded. "Of course."
"See you later?"
I stood, lowered my mask, and kissed his forehead. "Promise."
I ran to the private bathroom for hospital staff and locked myself in. I was overwhelmed and felt nearly broken. Everything happened all at once and I didn't know how to feel or react. Mitchell's insistence on how Leo was in love with me kept playing back in my mind mixed with Leo's confession.
How did I never notice? It was always obvious but I was too stupid and self-absorbed to see it.
I couldn't do anything but cry. I cried until my mascara ran out and my eyes and throat burned. I didn't know anything except that I couldn't lose Leo. I knew he was very sick but I wanted to believe in miracles. I already lost Mom – life couldn't have been so cruel to take Leo away too.
I didn't know how long I was in the bathroom but eventually had to control myself. I washed my face and made myself look as presentable as possible. I almost forgot about Thanksgiving with the Clarke's and when I checked my phone, Mitchell still hadn't responded or opened my text.
I knew him. He was pissed and most likely ignored the text when it showed up on his notifications. I deserved it but there was no way I could've gone and pretended everything was okay. I needed to inform Mitchell that I wasn't going to make it at all. I was in no shape or form to mingle and celebrate.
I sent Mitchell another text and apologized. The text was vague but I promised to fill him in on everything later or the next day. When I left the bathroom, Leo's family was back and wanted to celebrate what was left of Thanksgiving with Leo. They weren't allowed to see him in groups or feed him home food but everyone gathered in the waiting room and made the best of their time together.
Leo's mom asked me not to leave and I wasn't ready to leave Leo's side yet either. While he rested, I tried to occupy my mind with his family even though my heart ached.
***
It was pretty late by the time I left the hospital. I was exhausted and felt worn out. Mitchell hadn't responded to me all day and a part of me didn't blame him. I hoped that once I explained the situation he'd understand. I wanted to try and call him again but I didn't have the will or energy to get into an argument with him.
I figured I'd get home, freshen up and once I was in bed, I'd tried to call him again. My body was tired but my mind was wide awake. It was a long day and every event played back in the back of my mind while I sat in the cab. A headache approached so I tried to stop thinking.
It was dark and cold in my apartment. I yawned as I opened the front door and flicked on the lights. I tossed the keys in their place and removed my coat and shoes. I unwound my shoulders and contemplated making a cup of cocoa before bed.
I turned on the kitchen light and almost got a heart attack when I turned and saw a figure from the living room. The tall figure stood and took slow strides toward me. I knew him well enough to recognize his silhouette.
"Joder." I held onto my chest. "You scared me."
Mitchell's handsome face became visible in the light and I felt a sense of relief to see him. All the thoughts I had from earlier disappeared the minute I saw him. I wanted to throw myself in his arms but something stopped me.
"If I knew giving you a key to my place meant giving me a heart attack, I'd have reconsidered," I teased.
"Don't worry, the problem will fix itself," Mitchell vaguely muttered.
I frowned and wondered what he meant but shook away my thoughts. "How long have you been sitting in the dark?"
"Not long, I got here a few minutes before you."
I huffed and ran my fingers through my hair. "Mitch, I texted and tried calling –"
"I know. I saw your texts and missed calls," Mitchell spoke in an eerily calm and collected tone.
I didn't want to overthink and didn't have the energy to do so either. I took a step closer and reached for his hands but they were in his pockets and he didn't have any intention to remove them. "I'm so sorry I didn't make it. I was on my way when Lorenzo called and said Leo wasn't doing so well and rushed to the hospital. He said Leo needed me and –"
"I understand," Mitchell cut me off. "How is he?"
I shrugged and Leo's frail condition and words of giving up flashed in my mind. "He's stable. He has pneumonia and they found clots in his lungs. He's being treated and the doctor said he should be alright."
Mitchell stiffly nodded. "Good."
He's mad.
"I wanted to leave as soon as saw him but Leo and his family asked me to stay. Leo was also saying weird, upsetting things and I couldn't pretend to be in a good mood and surround myself with anyone," I ranted. "Saying it out loud sounds so selfish but at that moment, I couldn't think clearly and –"
"It's fine, you don't have to explain," Mitchell coolly interrupted me. "I understand."
"You do?"
Mitchell nodded. "I do."
I let out a breath of relief and even though his words somewhat comforted me, something about his demeanor and calmness scared me and made me anxious.
I peeked up at him from beneath my lashes and nervously twiddled my thumbs. "You're not mad?"
Mitchell shook his head. "I'm not mad."
I took a step closer to get a much-needed hug but he took a step back and pinched the bridge of his nose. "But I can't do this anymore."
My heart felt as if it stopped. His words hit me like a storm after the eerie silence. "What?"
Mitchell shut his eyes for a moment and took in a deep breath. "I can't fight over this again and I don't want to. You have priorities Mila and I understand that I'm not at the top of that list anymore."
"That's not tr-"
Mitchell put up a hand and appeared exhausted. "Don't," he spoke softly. "Don't deny it. Actions speak louder than words and you've done nothing but contradict your words lately."
A lump grew in my throat and something was very different with Mitchell. We had many fights, a lot recently but he was never this calm and... hopeless. "I'm trying to accommodate everything in my life but it's so damn hard."
"It's okay, Mila. You're human and there are only twenty-four hours in a day. Leo's sick and clearly, it's affected you more than I thought. I get it."
"But?" I muttered.
"But nothing," Mitchell stated. "I came over because I couldn't sit and wait any longer to tell you that you don't need to try anymore."
"Mitchell, you're scaring me with your riddles. What are you trying to say?"
Mitchell gulped and clenched his jaw. "I told you," he whispered. "I can't do this anymore."
I stepped closer and gripped the collar of his shirt. "What the hell does that mean?" I yelled and heard my voice crack at the end.
Mitchell looked conflicted and almost... broken. "I told you I can't be in a one-sided relationship. I've reached my limit. You could've still made it tonight but you made a choice not to. You decided what, or rather who was more important, and stayed with them."
I shook my head. "No, it wasn't like that. Leo's given up and gave me some shitty pre-goodbye speech. I didn't know what to think or how to ac-"
Mitchell held my face and stared into my eyes. "It's okay, Mila. As I said, I understand."
My sight blurred with threatening tears. "Then why are you saying this?"
"Because it's the right thing to do right now," he said softly. "We've drifted apart and I tried my best to make it work but I couldn't do it on my own. I needed you but you..."
"I've been trying too."
"For a few days and then you're back into your old routine. I've never felt more alone than I have in the last couple of months with you. That's not how a relationship should be," Mitchell spoke slowly and softly. "I'm not happy anymore, Mila."
His words stabbed me in the chest and I didn't know how to make the pain go away. My lips trembled and tears escaped my eyes. "Mitch..."
Mitchell had pain in his eyes too. "I'm sorry, Baby but I can't go on like this."
He stared into my eyes for a long moment and slowly peeled his hands away. I grabbed his hand before he was able to step away. "Don't," I pleaded. "Please."
Mitchell took in a breath and pulled his hand away. "Don't make this harder than it already is."
"Make what harder?" I desperately asked. "Are you implying what I think?"
Mitchell pursed his lips and took in another shaky breath. "It's over, Mila."
It's over. It's over. It's over. It's over. It's over.
Those two words played on a loop in my head. My heart raced but felt dead at the same time. My skin prickled and my chest physically hurt just from those two words.
"No, it can't be." I choked on a sob and shook my head. "I can't live without you."
Mitchell shut his eyes and composed himself. I knew it was hard for him but also wondered how he was unable to shed a single tear when it felt like my heart was ripped from my chest in front of my eyes.
Mitchell opened his eyes and I watched in horror as he slowly slipped the promise ring off his middle finger. "You should never base your existence on anyone – no matter how much you love them."
Mitchell removed the ring, took my hand, and placed it on my palm. "You might not see it at this moment but I'm not what you need right now. If we continue this relationship and I keep fighting for you, you might grow to resent me and that's the last thing I want."
I was left speechless and my heart felt as if it crumbled to shreds. I didn't know what to say or how to stop him. All I could've done was cry and watch myself lose the person I loved the most in the world.
Mitchell pressed his lips against my temple. "Please take care of yourself, Milo." His eyes glistened as he swiped the pad of his thumb against my cheekbone. "I love you, never doubt that."
"M-mitch..."
Mitchell lowered his head, turned, and walked away while I watched, unable to stop him.
A/N please don't hate me. This is NOT the end. There's still more so stick with me and M&M until then, please.
This was a hard chapter to write and so emotional. I hope you still liked it.
Let me know your thoughts,
Until then,
Tina