The trip went by in a blur and I found it hard to believe we were in Portugal for two weeks. The cold and rain greeted us when we landed and Florence zipped up her coat, shivering. We miss the warm weather but were relieved to be home. After some time away, you miss being comfortable in your own home and sleeping in your own bed.
We took an Uber home and I helped carry Florence's suitcase up. My flat was cold when I opened the door and you could smell the age of the building. I walked over to crack open the window and increased the temperature on the thermostat. The thermostat clicked and warm air began blowing in to Florence's relief. Her teeth were chattering and she kept her coat on.
We spent the rest of the day unpacking, feeling like zombies from being awake more than 24 hours. We stayed up until exhaustion won.
.
.
The next day.
I woke up with a start when I heard banging in the kitchen. It sounded like something dropped so I sat up. My mind was still groggy from sleep but I forced myself to get out of bed and put some clothes on. Florence was in the kitchen and she immediately looked at me when I came out.
"I woke you up, didn't I?" she asked, looking guilty. "I'm sorry. I forgot to use oven mitts and dropped the pot in the sink. I forgot how hot the handle gets!"
"I don't mind," I told her. "It's actually a good thing you woke me up because it's almost noon."
I hadn't realized how much I slept. I didn't set an alarm because I wanted my body to wake up naturally but I felt slow from sleeping too much. Even Florence woke up early and prepared breakfast for the both of us. She boiled some eggs and made a fry up. All while I was asleep! She must've gone to the store to get some things because our fridge was empty. Feeling terrible, I went to put the kettle on and helped set the table. I caught a glimpse of Florence and could see the bags under her eyes. She looked tired but carried on regardless.
"Did you not sleep well?" I questioned. Florence shook her head.
"No, I'm still jet lagged. I woke up at 5 AM and couldn't go back to sleep. It was too early to go to the grocery store so I took care of other stuff instead. By the way, I've settled on an apartment and am going to meet with them today." I stopped what I was doing and looked at her wondering if I heard her correctly.
"You've settled on a place?" I repeated.
"Yeah, it's in Fremont so a longer commute but there's a bus line that runs regularly to downtown and it's in a nice neighborhood. It's an older unit and on the small side but definitely affordable."
She seemed excited about this new place and I tried to be happy for her but couldn't. All I could think about was how she was going to move out. I've gotten used to having her around and didn't want her to leave. But I understand where she's coming from. We initially agreed she'd stay for a month while she looked for a place and that extended to two months. She doesn't want to overstay her welcome so she's been actively looking for a place and found one, just like we agreed. However, I've changed my mind and want her to stay.
"Oh," was all I managed. I brought the tea over to the table and joined her, taking a seat. If I don't stop her, she'll leave. Unfortunately, my brain wasn't working from sleeping too much. "Can I talk to you about something?"
"What is it?" She looked at me and all the confidence I had escaped me.
"I—I thought I had more time," I said, tripping over my own words. She waited for me to continue as I wasn't making any sense and I blushed. I had it all planned out. I was going to take her out on a proper date and ask her to be my girlfriend. But all of that went out the door when she told me she found a place.
"I've been thinking about some things..." I trailed off. "If I'm being honest with you, I didn't think I'd fall in love again after Clara. It's been years and I'd not moved on, but ever since meeting you, things changed. You've taught me a lot whether you know it or not. We're different enough to keep things interesting and we push each other which sounds awful but it's actually what I need and it was something Clara couldn't do for me.
"This trip to Portugal opened my eyes to a lot of things. Some of it good, some of it bad but I've never had someone who truly understood me. Having you by my side every step of the way made me realize I've been dealing with this by myself the whole time and I will tell you, it feels so much better having someone else around and that person is you. I guess what I'm saying is—will you be my girlfriend?"
I've never been this certain about someone and knowing Florence could break my heart with one word didn't ease my nerves at all. Florence was shocked—that was clear. But she quickly recovered once the weight of my words sunk in and she smiled.
"I thought you'd never ask. The answer is yes."
It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders because I was certain I had fucked it up somehow. She knew this trip was about Clara yet she came along and helped me through it. It wasn't until the trip that I realized I wanted her to be my girlfriend but it didn't feel right to ask while we were on the trip so I waited until we got back.
"Well I'm glad you didn't turn me down. Honestly thought you were gonna give me shit for it."
"Oh, of course I'll give you shit but I figured you've been through enough, what with Clara and everything."
"Well thank you. I appreciate it. Everything that you've done for me, really. And I've got one more thing to ask of you. Please don't move out," I begged. Florence was confused.
"What d'you mean?" she asked and I took a deep breath before speaking.
"I know you said you'd find a place and move out as soon as you could but I've grown to enjoy your company and don't want you to move out anymore. We've spent the past month living together and haven't had any major issues. I mean—it's up to you really but I want you to know I changed my mind."
It was strange to think that when I first let her to stay with me, I wasn't thrilled and now so much has changed. My flat isn't the biggest. It's built for one person to live comfortably and having two people is pushing it but we've made it work...er...sort of. We still struggled with the bed situation and it would be unfair of me to have her sleep on that bed forever. I'm sure she's itching for a more comfortable living situation rather than living out of a suitcase and having most of her stuff in public storage.
"This place is too small for the both of us. You've only got one bed," she tried to reason with me.
"We can look for a bigger and better place," I tried. I actually like my apartment building. It's a reasonable distance from work and it's in a quiet area. They might have a bigger unit for rent or we could move somewhere else.
"I suppose. We can talk about it. In the meantime, I'll cancel my appointment." Florence took out her phone and began calling the person. "I feel so bad for cancelling on them." She opened the door to the balcony, stepped outside, and closed the door behind her. I'd love to listen to her conversation but I ate breakfast instead.
For the most part, we were unpacked but there was a lot of laundry to do. And I was glad I cleaned the flat before leaving because I sure as hell don't feel like cleaning right now. I wasn't sure what Florence bought at the grocery store but I'm sure she bought all the essentials. All I wanted to do was sit and process the trip.
I felt a lot better having gone to Portugal and getting confirmation that Clara was really dead, even though it wasn't what I wanted to hear. There was something sweet about going to the house she lived in and seeing where she spent most of her time. Experiencing it is different than reading about it, and I understand why now. I was able to pay my respects and hopefully I can put the past behind me and move on but there was only one thing left to do.
I put the phone number Matilde gave me in my phone and I brought it out wondering if now was a good time to try calling them. In the corner of my eye, I could see Florence concentrating on her conversation, her eyebrows furrowed and a frown on her face which only made me feel more guilty. If I don't call them now, when will I?
My finger pressed the call button before I could change my mind and I held my breath. I could feel the anxiety and anticipation building but all of it dissipated when I heard the tone that the number was disconnected and all I could feel was disappointment. I shouldn't be surprised but I was. Did I really think they'd keep their Portuguese number? Maybe it's good that I couldn't reach them. They probably won't remember me anyway but then my mind wandered back to the dream where I hid under her bedroom window.
"Are you still writing to Van? How is he doing?"
"Tell him I said hello."
Her parents are lovely people even though her dad still terrifies me. I could probably find them if I tried hard enough but something told me to leave it. Are they better now? Time does heal but it doesn't get rid of the pain entirely. They only had one daughter. Florence stepped back into the flat, snapping me from my thoughts.
"I feel so bad," she said, putting her phone down on the table. She took note of my somber face. "Are you okay?" As much as I'd like to say yes, I couldn't bring myself to lie to her.
"I just tried to call her parents but the number was disconnected." My voice was hollow and I didn't realize how much I wanted them to answer. Florence's eyes softened and she came around to hug me from behind. She leant her head against mine.
"I'm so sorry," she said, kissing the top of my head. "I'm sure we can find them. I'll help you." Having her hold me like that was very comforting and I instantly felt better because I knew she was right. I knew their names and could try to find them on social media.
"Thanks. How'd your conversation go?" I asked, feeling guilty for stealing the attention from her.
"They were upset but ugh...what can you do? What's done is done but I'm glad you're not sick of me."
She gave me a quick peck on the cheek. There was a lot we still had to figure out like our living situation but for now, I just wanted to enjoy this moment with Florence.