Harry's POV:
Laid out on the couch in the living room, I stared at a few of my twitter mentions.
I was flicking through and following a few fans who had sent out nice tweets to me, asking how I was, if I was okay and if I was looking forward to enjoying the impending hiatus that was literally around the corner.
But what they didn't know, was that I wasn't okay, and I wasn't remotely looking forward to the hiatus now either- in fact, that was the last thing on my mind.
I had just endured a 17 hour hell, so my exhaustion didn't cut it- in fact, I was pretty much delirious as I scrolled through twitter absent-mindedly.
I hadn't slept at all, and after being up all night laying next to Izzy, it was safe to say that everything was catching up with me- and my temper, along with my heartbreak was close to breaking point.
I stared at my phone again, exhaling loudly and slowly, my thumb rubbing across the surface of the screen that displayed a scan picture of my baby.
Our baby.
I hadn't told Izzy yet, but along with the medication that was handed to me, Jessica had also given me a few copies of the scan pictures that she had managed to take.
At the time I didn't really take it in, but as the last few hours went by, I couldn't stop myself from looking at it... and feeling my heart to break all over again.
I would never get the chance to feel my baby kick her, I would never get the chance to sing to her bump and whisper sweet nothings to him or her, whilst Izzy slept peacefully beside me.
I felt so guilt ridden, so devastated and utterly useless that I couldn't do anything to take Izzy's pain away, because I would have in a heart beat.
I would swap places with her right now and go through that pain for her, because she didn't deserve this... she didn't deserve any of it.
It wasn't right and it wasn't fair, she had been through too much already and now that her one last chance at motherhood was cruelly taken away from her, it was as if she had finally given up.
We were still in the dark regarding her actual period cycle, so we didn't know if we could conceive again, but that wasn't the point.
Seeing the screenshot of our baby disappear, I shut my eyes as mum's picture flashed up on the screen instead.
I sighed, hard.
I hadn't called or text to let her know about anything, and I knew that she was worried.
But I also knew that she was incredibly excited and was looking forward to this pregnancy as much as we were.
My baby was her first grandchild and although I didn't want to break her heart as well, I knew I was going to either way.
Pulling myself together, I pinched the corners of my eyes and coughed loudly, willing myself to hold it together.
I answered the phone and lifted it towards my ear.
"Harry! Thank God! You never called me yesterday, and I discreetly left messages on your machine and-"
I was wavering at the sound of her voice.
"Mum-"
"I just wanted to know what was going on babe and if everything was okay, I don't mean to be overbearing if that's what you think-"
"Mum."
She stopped, at the croak of my voice.
"Harry, baby what's wrong?"
I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't hide it and I couldn't hold this in for much longer.
I needed her.
"I need you here, please."
"Harry, what is it? What's wrong? Is Izzy okay?"
I paused, hiding my face with the palm of my hand, rubbing it excessively as I tried to control the tears- but I couldn't.
"Just please come," I croaked, "I need you here because I don't know what to do-"
"Oh no.... please." she cracked, "Please tell me you're not saying what I think you're saying?"
"We've lost the baby, mum."
Saying the words out loud broke me, and I sobbed harder than I'd ever sobbed in my life.
"I'm coming down, okay? I'll be right there Harry, don't you worry. I'll pack a bag and I'll be right down baby."
I nodded, even though she couldn't see me.
"Please hurry."
"I'm on my way darling. I love you, Harry."
"Love you too." I cracked, hanging up the phone quickly and chucking it on the other end of the couch.
I wrapped my hands around my face as I sobbed quietly into them, my heart shattering all over again.
Nobody knew of my pain, nobody other than Izzy; and while I was expected as a man to be strong and supportive, the last 17 hours I had put aside my own grief for her- but that just made me feel isolated and lonely.
I was able to be strong, supportive and caring at first, and when we got home last night, I made sure I did everything that she wanted to do.
I turned both our mobiles off, the answer machine took care of the incoming calls into the house and I tried to do everything in my power to protect Izzy from more pain.
I was doing okay until just now, but speaking to my own mum who was my saviour and made everything better for me (along with Iz), I couldn't imagine the pain she felt for me hearing those words fall from my mouth.
It was a strange feeling, because men are supposed to be tough and be able to handle emotions apparently, but right now all I want to do is cry and hold Izzy for as long as I could.
But Izzy wanted to be left alone and although I accepted her wish, I couldn't help but feel all alone out here while she was locked in our room.
I needed someone, and if I couldn't have my love, then that someone else was my mum.
I needed help, advice and comfort and support, and I needed to know how to handle this and help Izzy through this heartache in any way that I possibly could.
I had tried with all of my might to be supportive, but it was hard for me to talk to anyone other than Izzy and mum about what was about to happen to us.
It was hard for me to let my guard down to anyone other than the two main women in my life.
I knew I could lean on my mum for anything, and I knew she would help and ensure that Izzy and I got through this together.
I just hoped that I had done the right thing in calling her.
***
"Harry?"
I turned on the couch, brushing my hair back messily as I caught the sight of my mum entering the front room, dropping her bag to the floor.
Fuck, was I sleeping?
Had I actually managed to shut off?
"Where is she?"
"In bed." I replied solemnly, "She doesn't want to be disturbed."
Mum sighed, brushing her own hair back with her fingers before she took one step forward and actually came to sit down beside me.
I felt awkward, like my insides were being ripped out from me when she suddenly took my hand and clenched her fingers around mine.
Her other hand wrapped itself around my upper back and brushed at the split ends of my hair.
"And how are you, baby?"
Her question surprised me, even though I shouldn't have been surprised because she was my mum and this is what mum did best.
"Harry?"
"I don't really know how to answer that question, if I'm honest mum."
"Try." she encouraged, "Don't keep it all in sweetheart, that's the worst thing you can do."
I laughed, twitching nervously.
"I'm really worried about you, Harry."
"You don't have to be." I said quietly.
"I'll always worry about you, you're my baby. I'll never stop worrying about you, H." She whispered, her breath lingering against my cheek as she kissed me; "You don't have to be so tough y'know, you're going through this too."
I nodded, the palms of my hands rubbing together repeatedly.
"I'm trying to be supportive... but she's been locked up in our bedroom since we got back. I feel... I can't talk to anyone about this other than her or you. I don't want to let my guard down, but I need to be strong for Izzy."
"No, you need to be strong for each other." mum whispered, taking my hand gently as her other hand rubbed my back comfortably; "Grief is very individual, and most couples often find that their feelings and reactions do not coincide with each other's."
"Like right now?" I asked, "I want to talk and be there for her, but she doesn't... and I don't know how to handle that."
"Exactly like right now," mum answered, "Darling, some people may deal with something like this differently... maybe Izzy doesn't want to talk about her sadness just yet and her way of dealing with this is to just keep herself to herself, and hope for the best, which understandably, she's hiding her true feelings. Your way maybe the exact opposite- you want to talk about it and find a solution to work everything out, but that will cause a great strain in your relationship- the two of you just need to figure out where you stand on this. Together. Give her the space she wants, but just be there when she's ready, Harry."
"I don't want to show her my grief for fear of making it worse for her, mum." I admitted slowly, "And I know holding it in will only make it worse for me and Izzy too, but... I just don't know how to go about this. I honestly don't know what to do."
Mum's grip tightened around me.
"I know this is difficult for you Harry, but the most important thing that you and Izzy can do is just talk to one another. You both need to be aware of your needs and feelings, as they won't be the same as your own. Each of you have your own individual way of expressing and dealing with feelings, but these differences don't mean that one of you feels the loss more intensely than the other."
"But she was the one carrying our baby, my baby..."
"It really doesn't matter, Harry. It was your baby too, and just because you're a man doesn't mean you can't feel or show your feelings about this, you don't have to mend things or fix the garden shed to deal with your feelings like a stereotypical guy. Mending things is generally the way forward for men, but I brought you up to be honest with your feelings and to face them head on, mending a broken heart is much more difficult baby... it takes time and patience, and hopefully it will pull you through together as a couple. Together. What you're going through, what you're both going through, is truly awful and you'll both come out of this stronger."
"I hope so."
"How is she doing, truthfully?"
Her question caught me off guard, as I stood up and stared at her, not really knowing what to say.
"Not good." I said tearfully.
The two words slipped from my mouth before I could even control it.
I wasn't sure if telling her was a good thing, but I was already beginning to lose my mind.
I figured if I couldn't call anyone other than my own mother and tell her about all of this, then she was surely the next best thing for her and me, right?
"Not good how?"
"She won't eat..." I mumbled, "She won't drink... she hasn't gotten out of bed since we came home yesterday." I admitted, as I felt my voice crack; "I just don't know what to do... I don't know how to help her mum."
"Oh, Harry." she whispered, as she got up and hugged me harder.
"I'm okay."
"Harry, you're not."
"I'm okay," I insisted tearfully, "Honestly, I am. Just... go to her. Help her first, please help me help her mum. Please."
"I can... try, but I can only do as much as she'll let me."
"She adores you, and thinks the world of you... she loves you, and I know you told her that you'd be there for her, like a mum should... and I really think she needs that now."
"Okay." mum croaked, "Okay, I'll try Harry. Will you be okay down here by yourself?"
I nodded, giving her a short smile as she too nodded in response and did what I asked her too.
"What's going on?"
I stalled.
She was here, out of bed, in the living room, standing in front of myself and mum.
"I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were coming round, I would've tidied up and-" Izzy stammered, her eyes flicking and focusing on mum's bag in the corner; "You're staying?"
I watched nervously as mum made her way over to her after letting go of me, gently wrapping her arms around her and cocooning her with a cuddle as if to keep her safe from harm.
"Of course I'm staying," Mum whispered, "That's if you'd like me too? I won't stay if you don't want me here, Izzy. All in your own time, sweetheart."
"You... know?"
Mum nodded, as I slowly watched Izzy's eyes flicker over to me and met mine, yet she remained unreadable once again.
"You don't have to stay long, I'm fine. We're fine." she whispered, to which Mum gently stroked her arms up and down, shaking her head.
"You're not fine, love." Mum said slowly, "I haven't got a magic wand, I'm not your fairy godmother and I can't take away the pain that you're in right now Izzy... but I can do something. Let me in. I can help you, I can help take your mind of things and help around the house to make your life a little bit easier. That's what mum in laws are for, right?"
I watched, waiting impatiently as I tried to catch Izzy's face.
"I know, why don't you and I have a girlie night in the bedroom... you haven't done your hair, you've worn the same clothes since you got back from the hospital and those bags under your eyes need vacating sweetie... it'll make you feel better. Let me help you, yeah?"
I watched, slowly, as to my utter surprise and astonishment, Izzy nodded and agreed.
"Good. We're gonna need a few hours, Harry."
"Hours?" I questioned, "A few hours for what?"
"Robin's on his way, with your father." Mum said, before the fear in Izzy's eyes literally exploded; "Oh don't worry, they don't know a thing. I just mentioned that we're going to have some girl time, with Gemma... and your dad and Robin are taking you out Harry."
"Gemma's coming?" I asked, "What for? And out? I'm not going anywhere-"
"I told you," Mum smiled, "Girls night. We're a family now, and even though Gemma doesn't know anything, I said it would be nice for her to come over... rally the troops around, y'know? We'll take care of you both, we will." Mum shifted awkwardly and nervously as she stared at us both; "As long as you both want us too. Harry, you called me... I just want to make this easier for you both, and if I can do my bit and make the pain a little more less, then I'll do it. I promise."
There was utter silence in the front room.
"I've done the wrong thing, haven't I? I'm sorry, I just wanted to help... to do what's best for you, the both of you. Please just let me, let us help."
"I'm not going anywhere." I confirmed, "I'm staying here."
"Harry..." Izzy whispered, her voice scratchy after not using it for so long; "You should go."
"I'm not going anywhere." I faithfully promised her, shaking my head; "I'm staying here."
"You should go," She whispered again, "You've been cooped up in here too... go, I'll be fine."
I was conflicted, I wanted to be with her and yet I also wanted to respect her wish... but I knew if I was out and the miscarriage happened without me there, I'd never forgive myself.
"No, I'm staying. Dad and Robin can come here. If you want to carry on with your girl's night, fine go ahead. But I'm not leaving you Izzy, no way." I answered firmly, flashing my eyes towards the girl who meant more to me than anyone else in the entire world.
"Okay." was all that she said, and I exhaled slowly, grateful she wasn't fighting me on this.
"So..." Mum smiled, "I guess that's sorted then, the girls will take upstairs and the boys will take the downstairs... Shall we go and raid your DVD cupboard until Gem arrives with the pizza?"
I tried to smile appreciatively, but it was forceful and I wondered if I had done the right thing by calling her over.
Even though I wanted to help her, I wasn't so sure if this was the right medicine that Izzy needed to get over this nightmare.
All I wanted to do was curl up beside her and be with her while she went through the worst thing imaginable- losing our baby; and not one of us being able to stop it.
Izzy's POV:
The light outside was growing dimmer, my room darkening slowly as the sun fell behind the buildings to the west.
There was a light speck of rain falling from the sky, fluttering past my window and inside the warmth of my room, it was perfectly silent.
Almost eerily so.
You could faintly hear the sounds of the busy London city outside, but inside, there was nothing but the sound of my breathing.
I lay on my bed, hands folded over my stomach, staring at the ceiling.
I had been in this position for the last few hours, not really sure exactly how long, but I knew it had been quite a while... and the two women were sleeping soundly in mine and Harry's bedroom.
I turned my head, noticing the two bodies heaped into the corner of the room.
Anne was taking up most of the room, hunching over the number of spare pillows that Harry had put together previously, while Gemma hogged most of the quilt and left her mother freezing... and it made me smile, just slightly.
I had to give it to them, they tried their damned hardest to keep me occupied last night; but it was only a matter of time when I'd feel a slight twinge or cramp, and I'd panic thinking that this was it... that it was finally going to happen to me.
But it never did.
After the Anne and Gemma had finally gone to sleep, I collapsed onto my bed and cried until my eyes were dry, before eventually falling asleep myself.
I couldn't cry in front of anyone, not even Harry, I wasn't sure why, but it was like some sort of defence mechanism.
I only cried when I was alone.
I couldn't remember actually falling to sleep, so I must have exhausted myself by crying so much.
When I woke up again, I looked around confused as the TV light was angled into my room, indicating it was really late at night because one of those shit TV adverts was playing.
Then it hit me.
Yesterday's earlier events came back at me like a crashing wave, and suddenly I felt nauseous and scared, uncertain and definitely lonely.
Nobody knew what I was feeling... nobody could possibly understand the pain I was facing or going to go through, nobody but Harry.
I was dying to go to the toilet, but in all honestly, I was too scared to go.
I was too terrified, thinking I'd start the miscarriage off by going to the toilet... I just wanted to cocoon myself in bed, and hide away from the world forever.
Rolling onto my back, I turned back into the position I was currently in when I realised I hadn't eaten or drank anything.
My mind raced over whether or not to go downstairs, knowing Harry was there with his father and Robin, because for the first time since I had locked myself away in the bedroom, I actually missed Harry.
I was missing him terribly so.
I decided to get up, make my way downstairs and head into the kitchen for something to eat.
I hadn't eaten properly for what seemed like days on end, so I figured that eating something would fill the void that I was feeling within my stomach.
Then, I planned to return to the bedroom and simply lay in bed for a couple of more hours, until it was time to "wake up" and do the same thing with Anne and Gemma all over again.
I quickly changed into leggings and one of Harry's shirts, before pulling my messy hair up into a ponytail.
I wasn't bothered usually with walking half naked around the house, but seeing as we had guests here, I didn't fancy just walking around in Harry's shirt.
Entering the kitchen, I quietly made my way towards the fridge and stared at the contents before making a decision.
I wanted something quick and easy, something that would fill the hungry void enough until tomorrow... if I could stomach eating more that is.
Grabbing the bread, butter and some chicken, I walked to the counter and gently placed down my ingredients before turning around to take a plate from the cupboard and a knife from the drawer.
I took my time preparing the chicken, cutting it into small pieces, all the while my mind elsewhere.
I tried to concentrate on the task to distract myself, but repeatedly all my thoughts were brought back to Harry... and I wondered what he was doing right there and then.
Was he sleeping?
Was he wide awake like I was right now?
Had he spoken to the boys about this whole situation?
What was he even feeling right now?
"Baby?"
I jumped, almost slicing my finger as I looked over my shoulder and stared at the curly haired, green eyed beauty standing before me.
"What are you doing?" he asked, his voice full of gravel and sleep, scratching his head slowly; "It's almost 4am, babe."
"I couldn't sleep." I mumbled in response, "I'm making a sandwich. You hungry? Do you want one?"
"You're eating?" Harry asked, sounding almost surprised, "That's great... sure, I'll have one."
I smiled slightly, knowing that he could never turn down food, it just wasn't in his nature.
"Babe?" he whispered, as he creeped over the counter, his arms folded as he stared sleepily at me cutting the pieces of chicken.
I murmured in response, my eye catching the glimpse of his swaying cross chain and the other half of the best friend necklace that adorned his bare chest.
I smiled at the memory, wishing I still had mine around my neck, but I was comforted by the fact that it was in my jewellery box.
"Are you okay?"
I stopped cutting the chicken immediately, and Harry flinched.
"I just... I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say to you."
"I'm okay, Harry." I replied, as Harry smiled awkwardly, yet I knew deep down that he didn't believe me.
Of course, I was vastly aware of what was happening between us right now and that our whole entire world was about to be torn in two, but Anne was right.
We had to do this, somehow together.
"What's wrong?" I asked outright, as Harry simply sighed in response and ran his hand through his hair in annoyance.
"I just wish there was more I could do... I wish I could take this away from you."
"I know you do. But you can't." I replied softly, throwing the knife in the sink before passing him his sandwich; "I'm fine, Harry. You can't always protect me, even though you want too."
I sighed, watching as he took the plate from my grip.
I sat opposite him across the kitchen breakfast bar just as Harry nodded, holding his arm out to me and dropping his head in defeat.
"Now, eat your sandwich and get yourself back off to bed."
"What are you going to do?"
I shrugged, taking a small bite out of my own sandwich.
"Iz?" He asked, after a while, causing me to look up at him; "Please talk to me. I need to know what's going through your mind."
"You don't want to know, Harry." I whispered, "Because if you did, you'd have me sectioned."
He really, really didn't want to know what was going through my mind, seriously.
"Izzy," he murmured, "Please just talk to me, don't shut me out."
"I'm not." I quietly replied, as I stirred the spoon around in my cup of tea; "I just... I don't know, H."
"Did I do the right thing?" he asked quietly back, "Asking mum over, I mean?"
"I appreciate your way of thinking and that you were trying to help."
I could tell Harry was surprised.
"You do?"
"In every way," I answered, "Thank you for thinking of me like that. Guess she was the next best thing after my mother."
"I didn't know what else to do, I'm sorry." Harry whispered, "I just figured-"
"It's fine," I brushed off, "Honestly, it's fine."
Harry smiled slightly; "Okay."
"Are you doing anything tomorrow with your dad and Robin?"
"Not really," he shrugged, as he finished his sandwich completely; "I told you, I'm not going anywhere... for the time being."
"You have responsibilities though," I quietly said, pushing my plate away from myself; "Don't you have a conference or something tomorrow?"
"I'm not going."
"Harry-"
"Don't." he cut across, before he sat back and reformed his body language because the tension was unbearable between us; "I told you, I'm staying put."
I bit my bottom lip, chewing and nibbling softly as I tried to stop myself from crying because I was already beginning to well up.
"I'm not leaving you, Izzy." Harry spoke gently, "I'm going to be here, regardless, every step of the way. The boys are covering me. They don't know, but I've said that you're sick."
"What about-"
"Don't worry about management, Iz, I've got this. It's all covered."
"All the lies." I whispered, as Harry's hand literally gripped a little tighter around mine from across the breakfast bar.
"Baby, please don't worry about a thing."
"I can't take the lying, Harry."
"We're not lying... we're just prolonging the shit storm that'll hit us soon. People will be speculating, and I don't care what they say about me... but I give a shit because it's you. I'm doing this to protect you."
"I know you are," I whispered, "And I'm grateful Harry, I just wish none of this was happening."
"Me too."
"It's not fair," I croaked, pulling my hand away from his as I tried to console myself, yet all I managed to do was sob directly into the palm of my hands.
"Hey, hey, hey-" he rushed over, dragging himself across the bar as his hip narrowly missed the out deck of the unit.
Immediately, I felt his arms wrap themselves around me and I fully let go in front of him for the first time since we first found out at the hospital.
I still wasn't ready to admit it myself or say it out loud.
"I don't want to p-p-pressure you, Harry." I cried, "B-b-but I need you, I need you here with me."
"You got me," Harry promised faithfully, his lips peppering against my temple as he cradled me; "You got me, babe. I swear to God, you have." he added, his hands holding my face as he cupped me gently, his forehead pressing against mine, "I'm not going anywhere, Izzy."
There was something so calming about crying, I found.
With me, however, it would start with a wobbling lip and I'd try my hardest to hold the tears back but there was always one rebel who would break the barrier.
That single bit of tear that would roll down my cheek, giving the signal for more to join the cascade that would eventually run down my cheeks.
It sometimes felt cleansing, almost like an internal shower but in true form to myself, I wracked out sobs until my breathing came in broken gasps and I was literally gripping onto Harry for dear life.
"Baby, you're breaking my heart." Harry croaked, his fingers running through my hair as he consoled me in the only way he knew how- holding me.
My chest felt constricted, a tightness that hindered me from breathing as I felt Harry's own breath heave in and out, his mind analysing everything that had happened earlier and right now.
"We need to get out of here," he murmured, as he continued to cradle my head and kiss me; "Let's go into the front room, it's more comfortable there. I can stick the fire on and we can cuddle all night. Just let me take care of you, alright?"
I didn't say anything, I just listened and understood what he was saying, agreeing with him only by moving alongside him as he took my hand and escorted me from the kitchen.
"I need to clean up, I-"
"Leave it." Harry instructed, referring to the dishes that were left on the side; "I'll do it in the morning. It's fine. Let me take care of you, please."
I looked up and caught his pleading, begging green eyes and I gave in.
I was normally a head strong, argumentative son of a bitch, but I literally just had no energy and I didn't want to cause a fight with Harry over something so petty and stupid.
So I quickly made the conscious decision that the dishes could wait until tomorrow... and right now, my boyfriend needed me just as much as I needed him.