On the way to the academy, I could see that Leah was nervous. She hadn't said much, opting to stare out the window as I drove. Aoife was in the back playing on her iPad, seeing her in the same kit I had been so proud to see Leah wear for all those years did something I can't even explain to my heart. I reached my hand to Leah's lap, finding her hand and interlocking our fingers together. I felt her release some of the breath she had been holding in as she squeezed my hand gently.
"Am I forcing her into this?" Leah sighed.
I opted to just ignore the fact that Leah's question was directed to me, instead bringing Aoife into the conversation.
"Aoifs, are you excited?" I shouted towards the back of the car.
"YEAH!" She grinned back.
"Does she seem forced to you?" I whispered towards Leah, her stern face now smiling back at me.
As we pulled into the car park, Leah helped Aoife out of her car seat. She jumped up and down on the spot, raising her arms above her head and practicing her celebration. I lifted Theo, who had slept for most of the journey, his head resting on my shoulder as he began to wake up slowly. Leah and Aoife headed inside to meet the others, Theo and I taking our place at the side of the training pitch. I had expected that Leah would return once Aoife had made her way onto the pitch, making me surprised when I felt her presence beside me.
"No interest in me, just ran off with the rest of the girls." Leah laughed.
"I told you she would be okay." I smiled as Leah stood with her arm around my shoulder stroking Theo's cheek lightly.
A few moments later, a very energetic Aoife made her way onto the pitch. She followed every instruction that was given to her, her game face making Leah and I chuckle. They started with some casual passing, Aoife bit her tongue as she concentrated, something I had done as a child myself. As they moved onto dribbling, Leah and I were both in amazement at the level of ball control she had for her age. Of course, a few times she lost it or tripped over it, but for the most part she was immaculate with her control. I watched as Leah's eyes lit up, her encouraging words towards our daughter echoing around the pitch.
By the time the end of training match came, Aoife had forgotten that Leah and I were even present. She was placed into a forward position, and stared intently at the ball as she waited for kick off. Leah shouted 'c'mon Aoife' proudly as we waited for the whistle to blow, gaining her a thumbs up from our tiny daughter. Theo was now fast asleep in his pram, meaning I could concentrate on the game in front of me for the duration of the five minutes per half that the youngsters would be playing.
Leah and I cheered and encouraged Aoife from the sidelines, Leah's hand snaking around my waist as we watched on. Just before half time, Aoife powerfully shot the ball into the back of the net. She ran towards her teammates, her hand proudly tapping her badge.
"She's her mummy's daughter alright." I smiled at Leah, referencing the celebration.
"She's perfect." Leah whispered, her eyes now filling with tears, causing me to pull her tightly towards me.
As the match came to a close, Aoife skipped off the pitch towards Leah and I, her little face beaming with pride and her nose bright red from the cold. Leah lifted her into the air, swinging her around, and telling her how brilliant she was. A coach took a picture of the four of us, a sleeping Theo completely unaware that anything had happened.
The car journey home was filled with Aoife discussing her new found passion for football; a sound that was music to Leah's ears. The nervous, worried Leah that was present in the car on the way there was now a distant memory. As we neared home, Aoife fell asleep with a smile plastered across her face.
Putting the kids to bed that night was easy, they didn't even slightly wake as we changed them into their jammies for bed. I watched as Leah ran her hand across the Arsenal badge of Aoife's shirt before she removed it, my heart warming at the pride she felt. I couldn't help but worry that Leah was getting her hopes up, just because Aoife enjoyed tonight didn't mean that she would always enjoy football; I worried that Aoife waking up tomorrow and deciding she didn't want to go back would break Leah.
I headed to the sofa, Leah to the bath. I flicked through the TV until I found something watchable, and began to read through my emails. I noticed that Gavin, Lydia and I had been copied into an email trail that appeared to have been going on for some time. The subject box very visibly telling me what this email was regarding.
Comeback Tour
From: PGRArtistsLtd
Cc: AlexRyanWilliamson, GavinGregg, LydiaGregg
Hi All,
As you will see from the email chain below, we are requesting a meeting with those included. This meeting will discuss the possibility of a comeback album and tour for Alex Ryan-Williamson.
The demand for such an event has been forecast, and we expect that we could sellout worldwide in a year-long tour.
As always, PGR would assist with the accounts side of things whilst your team would be free to proceed with media, management and promotion.
We hope to hear from you soon, please be aware that due to multiple offers currently being on the table with other artists, we would only be willing to extend this offer until next Friday.
Kind Regards
Simon Luney
PGR Artists Ltd
My mind froze, I hadn't thought about touring in such a long time. I hadn't even considered that anyone would still want me to tour, always being the one to believe I was unworthy of the support I had received throughout my career. Just as I was about to text Lydia, I heard Leah come back downstairs. I locked my phone and moved it to my side as she approached, her smiling face being enough to distract me from the earlier offer. She placed herself beside me, wrapping an arm around my shoulder to pull me closer.
My time with Leah, before and after our wedding, had shown me that withholding the truth was just as bad as telling a lie; even if it was only for a few hours. I could have decided to talk to Lydia first to find out more information, but my mind didn't consider that option. As Leah began to move off the chair for bed, I wrapped my arms around her stomach and pulled her back towards me.
"Le, can we talk?"
"Of course, what's up?" Leah smiled.
"I've had an email, one I think we should talk about."
"Mhmm?" Leah said, her face now becoming serious.
I showed her the email, carefully studying her face as I watched her eyes scan through the text in front of her. I noticed her forehead furrow, her eyes not looking in my direction. She let out a slight sigh, trying to hide it, as she passed the phone back to me.
"Do you want to do it?" Leah tried to sound positive.
"I've only just read it before you came downstairs, haven't had a chance to think yet. What do you think?"
"I think you should do whatever you want. You know I'll support you." Leah did her best attempt at a fake smile as she kissed my head and headed to bed.
I understood her being apprehensive about the idea, it had been a long time since I had last toured. Leah had never gotten over the hurt she had caused me over Harriet, I knew she hadn't. This was her reason for constantly wanting me to do whatever I wanted, thinking that she had no right to ask me to not do things. It was tiring, constantly trying to work out how she was feeling to broach the conversation with her, but love doesn't come easy, I knew that.
I climbed into bed beside Leah, the false smile still glowing across her face as I turned to face her, gently pushing her hair back from her face.
"I haven't forgotten, you know." I whispered.
"Forgotten what?"
"Our number three." I pecked her lips as I spoke.
"We don't have to, Al. We can wait until you've done the tour. You love being on stage, I know how much you love it."
Leah was probably the most selfless person I had ever met. No matter what we went through, my dreams always came before hers. She would give up anything to ensure I was happy.
"I love our family more, even the ones we haven't met yet." I whispered, pulling her towards me.
"And we love you, which is why I think we should put the idea on hold. You go do your tour, when you come back we'll try again for a third. I want you to do it." Leah said as she rested her head on my chest.
"So you don't want to try now?" I asked, confused.
"Not right now, no."
I felt my heart sink a little. I wanted nothing more than to extend our family, Leah and I had talked just 24 hours ago about booking another appointment with the clinic, but suddenly her mind had changed. There was so much I wanted to say, to ask, but nothing would come out. Her grip on me that night seemed looser than the grip she usually had on me. As she fell asleep, my mind began to spin, was the tour her get out card? Did being at the academy today make her resent me because my career was something I could pick up again, whilst she could never play again due to retirement? In that moment all I could do was hold onto her and wonder.
The following morning, I woke to an empty bed. The faint noise of music playing downstairs was all that filled the room. I had a quick shower and then made my way downstairs after noticing that it was now 9:30am.
"Kids get to school okay?" I asked as I entered the kitchen, trying to get a feel for the mood.
"Yeah. Didn't want to wake you." Leah smiled at me.
"Thanks. Le -" I began before her phone interrupted me.
Leah moved to the living room to take the call, I strained my ears to hear what was being said.
"Yeah, can we cancel? It's not the right time." I heard her say quietly, clearly trying to ensure I didn't hear. I knew it was the clinic, proving that Leah had been excited enough about the prospect of baby number three to book an appointment the very next day. So why did she suddenly change her mind?
As she made her way back to the kitchen her eyes told a different story to the one her smile was trying to mask. She kissed me on the cheek before returning to her laptop, banging on about the accounts. I felt myself getting irritated, her obsessive rambling over something so stupid to cover what she was actually feeling was beginning to leave me marginally pissed.
"Leah, fuck sake." I raised my voice slightly.
"What?" Leah made eye contact with me slightly before returning her gaze to her laptop.
"Can you talk to me? What is going on?" I huffed.
"I've just told you. There's a payment -"
"Le. Please." I whispered as I hunched down beside her, taking her hands in mine.
"I'm just sad, okay? Can't you just let me be a little bit sad?" Leah said quietly, obvious signs of tears making their way to the front of her eyes.
"No, I can't. Not on your own. Tell me why you're sad so I can either fix it, or be sad with you." I pulled her gently to her feet and led her to the sofa.
"I'm just being sensitive and insecure, that's all." Leah said, her tone still falsely happy despite the tears now rolling freely from her eyes.
"Insecure? What about?"
"The tour."
"What about the tour?"
"I can't. Not right now. Please, Al." She sobbed.
As much as I wanted to know her reasoning, I knew that she needed silent support right now. I bundled her into my arms and held her, feeling her find my heartbeat with her ear and follow my breathing. I stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head until she relaxed into my arms.
We spent the morning in the comfort of each other's arms, watching daytime TV until Leah headed to the shower before we had to pick the kids up from school. As I finished getting changed, Leah walked into the bedroom, steam still rising from her as she walked towards the wardrobe. She had the towel wrapped around her underneath her arms, falling just above her knees, her hair still wet. She began to untangle the lead of the hairdryer, sitting on the seat in front of the dressing table. I couldn't help but admire her, my mind still struggling to fathom how she was mine. I stepped towards her, leaning down to move her hair to one side as I placed a delicate kiss on her bare shoulder.
"You are so beautiful." I whispered into her skin.
"You're nose-blind" Leah laughed, her comment taking me by surprise.
"Huh? Nose-blind?" I questioned.
"When you see something every day, you don't notice the negative changes."
"Negative changes? What negative changes?" I said, slightly defensively as I struggled to think of one negative change about Leah.
"It was just a joke."
"It wasn't though. I can't help you if you don't let me in, Le."
"Just leave it, Alex." Leah spoke sternly.
I left the room after that, sensing that Leah would rather be alone right now, confused as to what had changed between us in such a short space of time. A few days later, Leah still hadn't spoken to me about what was going on. She began stressing about gym time, ordering clothes online, and booked herself in for treatments. If this had been anyone else, I probably would've suspected that something was going on; that she was cheating on me. The sudden change of heart about another baby, the dismissal of compliments, the sudden obsession with her looks.
Leah and always been fashionable, she has always taken great pride in her appearance, but after two children things get pushed aside. The nail appointments become less frequent, you gym when you can rather than as often as you used to, and your roots grow out a little longer than they ever did. That didn't mean she didn't still look perfect.
After 4 days of Leah pretending this wasn't happening, I couldn't bare it any longer. Whether purposely or not, her lack of care for my confusion was hurting me. I waited until the kids were at school, and Leah was in our room sorting out her wardrobe.
"Leah, we're talking today. Now actually, we're talking now." I said firmly.
"I'm busy." Leah shrugged.
"You're really hurting me, Le. I hope you know that." I sighed, turning to walk out again.
"Al, wait."
"What for? Another nothing is wrong. How can you honestly say that? How can you say that nothing has changed? One minute we want another baby, next you say we should leave it. The very next day you tell me that I'm nose-blind, whatever the fuck that means, and for three days you haven't even been able to get changed in front of me. How can you say it's fine?" I ranted.
"I'm scared." Leah's voice shook.
"What? Of what?" I said, my voice softening.
"It'll be different this time. You will see that when you aren't here everyday, looking at me." Leah said quietly.
"I'm not following, Le."
"When you have time away, you'll notice how much I've changed. I spend my days in tracksuits, my hair isn't even straightened half the time, sometimes I'm lucky if I even have time to change a top that Theo has covered in chocolate before you get home. My abs that you used to talk about are nonexistent, and have been since Aoife was born. It used to be risky pictures in lingerie when you were on tour, now it's pictures of a drawing the kids have done. It used to be late night FaceTimes with only one thing on our mind after weeks of being apart, now I'm in bed and asleep for 9pm most nights. It used to be slamming each other into walls as we tried to make our way to the bedroom, now you have to take off my fluffy pyjamas to touch me. You love me, now. You still fancy me, now. When you go on tour and all these women are showing up with their perfect bodies, perfect hair, perfect outfits, then you won't be nose-blind anymore. What if you fall out of love with me?"
In that moment, anyone could've knocked me down with a feather. Leah was failing to see that all of those things were just us growing older together. They were signs that we were content. I knew Leah was waiting for an answer, some kind of reassurance but my mind was blown at this revelation of feelings that had spouted from her. A few moments later, I finally found the words to respond to Leah, who was now sat with her head in her hands.
"That's what makes us us though, Le. The pictures of the kids, the drawings, the chocolate covered tops. That's what makes me look at you and think we made it. I don't need fancy lingerie, or banging into walls to make me want you. I would take you out of a fucking snowsuit to touch you in those moments if I had to. Those women with their perfect bodies, perfect hair, whatever else you said. You know what they don't have? They don't have the ability to make Aoife sleep when she is sure that the bedbugs are coming. They don't have the ability to convince our stubborn little boy that peas don't count as green vegetables. They don't have the experience of staying up until 3am to keep watch on our little girl because she has a temperature, or adapting to a whole new sleep routine because our little boy didn't get the memo that you sleep at night until he was six months old. I fell in love with you as the girl on the plane, but I have been lucky enough to now love you as the mother to our children, my wife, and the only person in the world that always manages to turn me on in fluffy pyjamas."
Leah didn't speak, she let out a slight giggle at my final comments as she made her way towards me. Her lips pressed against mine, her hand finding the back of my neck as she pulled me onto the bed on top of her.
"I shouldn't have doubted you." She said with her lips still pressed against mine.
"You shouldn't have doubted you, Le, your place in my life. You're beautiful, and perfect. I love you. Only you." I smiled.
"I'm so in love with you, Al. So in love." She smiled back, pulling me into her more tightly than I can ever remember.