Despite success at work, the lingering feeling of emptiness in my heart was the most prominent memory of my day. The idea that Leah had just been able to say those things to me without a second thought was hard to stomach. I found myself withdrawing from people. I had a mesmerising ability to act like life was perfect around my professional acquaintances, but around those I shared a personal bond with, not so much. As I left the courtroom, I turned my phone back on to see three messages from Leah.
Leah
Morning, I'm guessing you'll already be in court (I hope your phone is off or on silent), but I just wanted to say good luck for today. I know it's a big day for you. I'm sorry, and I'm proud of you.
Leah
Can we talk when you're done?
Leah
I'm not sure what time court is over, I really want to talk. I miss you.
I replied to let her know that I was out of court, thanked her for the good luck message, and told her I would call her that evening. In that moment, I didn't care what Leah had to say. She had been the person I had allowed my heart to open up to again, and I knew that now I would go back to the person I was before I met her. The person who didn't want to be loved.
Hannah had hurt me in a way I never imagined she could. She made me feel worthless, as much as I tried to say it was for the best. I think what hurt me most was that she still wanted to have that hold over me. The flowers, the belongings that she had left behind—I couldn't comprehend how someone could be so cruel. The idea that Leah could do that to me if I allowed myself to be vulnerable is the main thing on my mind right now.
I wanted to hate Leah. I wanted to tell her that I wouldn't be willing to talk, but I had never been a person to allow conflict to linger. So as much as I tried not to call Leah immediately, wanting to seem less pathetic, my brain forced my body to dial her number. The phone picked up almost right away; she didn't try to hide that she had been eager to talk to me for the first time in a while.
"Hi." She spoke softly, showing obvious signs that she had been crying.
"Hi."
"How did today go?"
"Good, thanks. How are you feeling now?"
"A little less painful. I'm sorry." Leah sighed slightly.
"I just don't get it. I don't know what I have done wrong."
"Nothing. This injury really showed me the distance between us. I wanted you; I was hurting and upset, and I wanted you there, but you couldn't be there, and I tried to distance myself before I got hurt."
"Did you mean it?" I asked.
"Mean what?"
"That there was no future to this? That I'm married to my fucking job?"
"I want there to be. I really like you, Soph. We're so far apart, though, and it's not like either of us can move. That's not your fault or my fault; it's just life. I'm sorry for the job thing; you being so passionate about your job is one of the things I admire most about you."
"We aren't even together yet, Leah. Why do we have to move? It was fine; it was building. We could've crossed that bridge when we came to it."
"How does it build into a relationship in separate countries?"
"Effort." I said firmly.
"Why didn't you say that it bothered you that people didn't know about you?"
"I knew I had no right. I knew you would say that you would tell them when we knew better what was happening."
"Isn't that true?"
"Have you been seeing other people?"
"What?!" She said, raising her voice slightly.
"Well, no one knows about us, and we aren't together." I said, closing my eyes as I waited for the answer.
"Why would you even think that? Of course not!" Her voice was still raised.
"I thought you had." I sighed.
"Okay."
"Okay?" I questioned.
"I don't really know what to say. I don't know how to fix this." Leah's voice broke.
"Should I go?"
"Yeah. I guess. Night Soph."
"Night Le."
The second the call ended, the tears fell freely from my eyes, not taking a second to roll down my flushed cheeks before they landed on my lap. I thought of the nights I'd spent with Leah—the times she'd pulled me closer to her in bed and made baby noises when I tried to move away in my sleep, the times that she had surprised me on a Friday evening with an unplanned visit. My thoughts were interrupted by her name on my phone. I knew my friends would tell me to ignore it, but I couldn't; I had to know what she wanted to say.
"Soph, are you there?" Leah quizzed me as my silence occupied the line.
"Yeah." I replied, trying to hide my crying voice.
"Please don't cry. I can't hear you cry."
"Well, I'm obviously going to; I'll be fine, though."
"You were right." Leah said, sighing.
"About?"
"Effort. We were fine until I stopped making it. I stopped because I was afraid that I was wasting my time on something that couldn't go anywhere, but how will I know if I don't make an effort?"
"I'm scared." I said through my tears.
"Me too. Being scared doesn't mean giving up though, not for me anyway."
"I think I'm falling in love with you, Leah. I can't let myself do that if you're going to be this way." I internally slapped myself for letting this leave my mouth.
"I think I'm falling in love with you too, Soph. I think that's why I tried to run away."
"I miss you. So much." Was all I could manage.
"I miss you. Can you come over this weekend? I'm still not allowed to travel, but I really want to see you."
"I'd like that." I smiled to myself, my heart beginning to warm.
Leah and I talked for another two hours, discussing what we'd missed in each other's lives while we had been distant. She apologised more times than I can even remember, eventually forcing me to tell her I was going to kill her if she said sorry once more. Leah had managed to break my heart and mend it all in one night.
As we said goodbye, Leah promised that if she was scared again, she would talk to me. My previous sleepless night was a distant memory as I pulled the covers over me and hoped to dream of Leah.
I overslept by 15 minutes the following morning; being a stickler for routine, this had stressed me in ways I cannot even explain. Everything seemed to take longer when I was in a rush; the kettle took longer to boil, I couldn't find my shoes despite them being on the shoe rack, and my breakfast ended up landing on my freshly ironed top, forcing me to change for a second time.
As I ran to the car, still zipping up my laptop bag and chewing on the last of my toast, my phone binged. I had a quick check before I drove off, smiling like an eejit at the sight of Leah's name on my phone.
Leah
I can't stop thinking about you. 3 days. Have a good day at work, but don't work too late, FaceTime me later. X
Suddenly, my world stopped being so stressful. It felt like time stood still and I was no longer late; just one text from Leah managed to make me feel like I was safe.
Just 3 days. I repeated to myself as I drove, thinking of falling asleep in the arms of the girl that I was falling for. The girl I had fallen for. The girl I loved.
This word, love. The word I hadn't used for such a long time had to stay in my brain for now. It was too early to tell Leah that I felt that way, but when the time was right, I knew exactly how to say it.