tw: conversations regarding sa
I stayed behind everyone as we walked the tracks toward Terminus, I didn't want to be around any of them right now. I missed the privacy of the prison. If I didn't want to speak to anyone I could just go to the showers or hid out in my cell. On the open road, I had to stay close.
That didn't mean I had to talk.
Silent, I watched as Michonne and Rick coddle Carl. I couldn't tell if I liked how they treated him after all of this. Then again, I haven't placed myself in Carl's shoes. Rick had taken Carl's gun at the prison, stopped him from killing the fence walkers, and didn't allow him to go out on runs. I didn't allow myself to become weak. Even Rick became weak in my eyes back at the prison.
Hershel tried to explain it to me, telling me I needed to take a step back but I didn't view it the same way. I needed to be able to survive and to survive in this world, means never becoming weak.
Maybe how they were so gentle with Carl was the right approach to it. If it was the right approach, why didn't they treat me the same way? Part of me hoped it was because they saw how strong I was. Carl and I were a year apart, and maybe they could just spot how I could take this world better than him. Or maybe they didn't care to.
Our pace slowed as Rick approached a piece of plywood, he kicked the leaves off of it and it revealed Terminus in black lettering. "We're gettin' close," Daryl announced, "be there before sundown."
"Now we head through the woods. We don't know who they are," Rick said, letting Carl and Daryl head towards the forest.
I followed behind, keeping a safe distance between everyone. I dodged some of the branches as we trekked through the woods.
Daryl was right, we were right at their boarder, a fence wasn't far from the tracks. Michonne, Rick, and Daryl approached it, having Carl and I stay behind as they scouted out the location.
"Are you okay?" Carl asked, he took a step closer to me and I flinched, "you know I'm not going to hurt you," he whispered.
I looked at him, concern was written all over his face. "You didn't see what my dad did to him back there, did you?" He asked, almost sensing that I wanted him to change the subject off of me.
I shook my head. All I knew was that Rick's face was covered in blood and that Carl was also keeping his distance. "He killed that guy by biting into his neck, I've never seen him..." Carl shivered, "I know he was protecting us. But it made me think, I'm just like him, I-" Carl was cut off by Rick's announcement.
"We all spread out, we stay close but we watch and be ready," Rick announced.
"Kid, let's check it out over here," Daryl said, nodding his head towards one side of the forest. I looked at Carl, he gave me a nod and that's all I needed to head over to Daryl.
Daryl and I walked close to the fence and I tried to look at the place. It looked large but it was quiet. I don't think the prison was as quiet as this place was. "You feelin' any better?" Daryl asked as he pushed aside a branch.
I shrugged, "I'm still alive," I answered, I could see my breath turn into white fog as I spoke. It was cold out, I still wore Daryl's large black button up under my jacket, it helped keep the cold away but my face stung as the wind hit against me.
"That's not what I asked," Daryl shook his head, he stopped and looked at me.
I am sure I looked horrible, I still had blood stained on my face, I hadn't been able to wash my hair in ages and the river was too cold for me to even attempt to wash myself. The only clean thing I wore was Daryl's shirt and that was hidden away.
"You- you understand what he was gunna do?" Daryl asked me, his eyes searched for any emotion to appear on my face.
I understood. I understood too well. I nodded, an adult man's dirty actions weren't new to me. My best friend's father used to do the same thing to her and I was the only person to know about it. The night I stayed over he did exactly what he had been doing to her to me, when I got away I locked myself in the bathroom and called my dad. Despite everything he did to her, my best friend and I cried when the police took him away.
They moved away and we never spoke to each other again.
"It's not the first time," I choked out, the memory is something I had suppressed and as it reentered my mind I pictured Billy's face.
Daryl looked away from me and let lean back into the tree. I had so many emotions running through my head that I knew I just had to shut out. When I could finally catch my breath, I looked over at Daryl, he was staring at the ground.
"Let's go," I mumbled, pushing myself off of the tree.
I couldn't allow these thoughts to eat at me, I had suppressed them once before, I could do it again.
I had to.
Rick had us climb the fence the fence, it was too risky to go through the front, we wanted to surprise them. As Daryl opened the door an lady's voice read, "Terminus, those who arrive, survive," she continued, she was making an announcement of some sort. We all had our guns drawn, ready to fire if Rick instructed us to.
There was a room full of people, a white haired lady read into a microphone while the others worked on maps and signs. I didn't get much time to take in the room because Rick walked forward, "hello," he announced our presents to them.
The people in the room seemed shocked but none of them tried to shoot at us, "well I bet Albert is on perimeter watch," a man said, he lightly threw down his marker. He walked towards us, "you here to rob us?" he asked, our way of entering didn't seem like the friendliest way to introduce ourselves.
"No," Rick answered, "we wanted to see you before you saw us," Rick explained as he walked towards the man. He stopped, still far from the man.
"Makes sense. Usually we do this were the tracks meet," the man said, he now walked towards us, he threw up arms in the air and cleared his throat, "welcome to Terminus," he grinned, "I'm Gareth." He took his time looking at all of us, "looks like you've been on the road for a good bit."
"We have. Rick, that's Carl, Daryl, Michonne, Lennox," Rick introduced us, we stood naked in front of the people of Terminus. I felt out of place, I had Billy's blood still caked on my hands and face, along with dirt and sweat. Meanwhile Gareth and his crew were washed up, fresh clothes, clean skin, almost like everyone did back at the prison. Gareth gave us a silent wave.
"You're nervous. I get it," Gareth started, he walked as he talked, he was trying to make us loosen up but I kept a tight grip on my gun. "We were all the same way," he said, raising his head to the people behind him, "we came here for sanctuary. That's what you're here for?" he asked, he was a lot closer to us.
Rick gave him a simple yes.
"Before we go farther, we got to check out your weapons. I am sure you understand," He said nodding towards Rick. There was a silent agreement between them that they were both in charge. Rick was our leader, Gareth was theirs.
"We do," Rick said, looking over at us, he nodded, telling us to place our weapons in front of us. I grabbed my gun other gun from my holster and eyed the people up. There weren't many here, we'd had the disadvantage if something went wrong. Before I put my weapons down, I watched Daryl lay his crossbow down. I was the last to drop my gun, staring at Gareth as I did it.
"Alex, want to help me," Gareth asked, a guy, probably mid twenties, came from behind one of the maps. He seemed too joyful to be living in this world. He came over, bouncing with a smile on his face.
Alex patted down Daryl, Gareth Rick, "I'd hate to see the other guy," Alex commented on Daryl's eye. My face went sour, what kind of comment was that?
"You would."
"Well did he deserve it?"
"Yes," Carl responded.
Alex walked in front of me and I stared at him. I didn't want him touching me. I think he sensed this, "the girls are fine," Alex said, taking a step back from me.
Alex tried to smile at me but I knew he didn't like looking at me. Rick and Daryl had washed most of the blood off of them, I wore mine. I wasn't awake when they were passing around a towel, wiping the blood off off of them. I was half asleep on Daryl's body and avoiding the rest of them like the plague. "Your name is Lennox? Cool name," Alex searched my face for any expression.
He got nothing. I stood there, staring back at him, blank. I had little energy to give him, I didn't want to make small talk or even get to know them. It took him a moment and he decided I wasn't going to respond so he reached down and handed me my two guns and handed Michonne her katana. Then he turned to lead the way out to the front, "follow me," he smiled and walked towards the door.
The place seemed too empty. There were gardens here and there but how was this place home to many of them? Random people they let in should be around every corner, just like at the prison, but it seemed too eerie.
I toned Alex's speak out, if there was one thing I missed about the prison was there was no tour guide. You came in and you figured it out, you were shown your bed and you were watched but you weren't lead like a college tour.
Maybe I wasn't ready to be able in a community setting, I should be relieved that we were in a fenced in area, a place that seemed to be heavily armed. I just felt unsettled and I think Rick felt the same, his eyes wondered to person to person, lingering on a few of them.
"I heard you guys came in through the back door, smart. You'll fit right in," a woman said, she stood in front of a grill.
"Hey Mary, would you fix each of these new folks a plate for me," Alex asked, a smirk on his face. He read as cocky yet clueless. He seemed to enjoy everyone's reaction to the sight of food but I made him feel uncomfortable so he wouldn't look my way.
I blinked and it happened so quickly, Rick took Alex in a chokehold, a gun pressed against his head. We all raised our weapons, aiming them at the people around us. My eyes wondered trying to find what triggered Rick's actions but I was clueless.
"Where the hell did you get this watch?" Rick asked, holding up the pocket watch from Alex's pocket. I didn't allow myself to look over but I tried to figure out the puzzle that Rick had already solved.
"I got it off of a dead one, didn't think he'd need it," Alex responded. Rick shoved his body forward turning him towards his people.
"What about the riot gear, the poncho?" Rick asked. I allowed my eyes to look at the articles he called out.
Glenn's pocket watch. Maggie's poncho. The prison's riot gear.
They were here. They had at least Maggie and Glenn.
Talia.
My eyes searched for anything that could belong to Tally.
"Got the riot gear off of a dead cop. Found the poncho on a clothesline," Gareth appeared.
Alex groaned as Rick pulled tighter against his neck, "Gareth, we can wait," he choked out.
"Shut up Alex," Gareth responded.
"You talk to me," Rick said, his gun still pressed against Alex's head.
Gareth shrugged his shoulders, "what's there left to say? You don't trust us anymore."
"Gareth," Alex pleaded again.
"Shut up," Gareth raised his voice. His arms were crossed over his body and he held his hands together. He was way too relaxed given that one of his buddies was in the arms of Rick. Then again, he didn't know who Rick was.
Rick was scary, I was first afraid of him changing up on me at the prison, but now that I've been with him for nearly a year it was easy for me to forget how intense he was. If I wasn't with him, I would be afraid to even approach him. Terminus didn't know him yet and I was just waiting for their downfall.
"Gareth please," Alex tried again.
"It's okay, it's okay," Gareth said, raising his hand trying to stop his friend from freaking out. He took two steps closer to Rick before stopping, he tilted his head, "Rick, what do you want?" he asked.
"Where are our people?" Rick asked.
"You didn't answer the question," with that Gareth turned his hand into a fist and Rick wiped back around just in time for the bullet to hit Alex. He dropped him and yelled for Carl, telling him to stay back.
I raised my gun and tried to shoot at the sniper. I missed but he jumped away, at least I was close. We ended up running around the building, completely lost on where to go as they showered us with bullets.
None of them hit us though, none of them were even close. Once we made our way out of the building we ran through an ally, there were boxes and cars littered with bullet holes. This wasn't new, they've done this before.
As we ran back into the building, we passed train cars, people banged on the side, "help! please help us!" people shouted. My eyes widened, that's where we'd end up if we don't get out of here.
My heart was racing. God, I hope Talia wasn't here, I hope she didn't have to go through this.
Inside we were met with a room full of candles and the names of people. "What the hell is this place?" I asked, spinning slowly to take the whole room in. I felt like I was in the room owned by a cult. I was careful not to knock over any of the candles, the last thing we needed to fight was a fire.
"These people, I don't think they're trying to kill us," Michonne spoke. My eyes read the walls, 'NEVER TRUST' was written in bold letter that was followed by 'WE FIRST ALWAYS'.
"No, they are aiming at our feet," Rick agreed, he pointed towards a door, "there," he said and we all went after it. There was someone outside it and they shut it right as we reached it. "There," Daryl hollered, pointing at another door.
This one lead us outside, as soon as we were back out they were shooting more bullets at our feet again. It created a crowd of dust as the bullets flew into the wooden boards. But finally we saw it, the fence. I knew our plan was to go and hop the fence. We needed to regroup and get our people out of there but before we could run to it people popped out of the bushes. They had guns in their arms, ready to fire at us.
We were trapped.
"Drop your weapons, now," Gareth's voice hollered, he stood on top of one of the roofs. As I looked around I noticed there were way more of them than us. We had no chance of fighting them. "Now!" Gareth hollered again.
With that we all dropped our guns, Daryl tossed his crossbow down gently and Michonne her katana. I wanted to keep my second gun but I heard, "all of them!" he knew what we had. I kept my mother's knife in my pocket, they didn't know I had it and I wasn't about to give that up.
"Ringerleader, go to your left. The train car, go," Gareth said, I spotted him now. He didn't have any concern written on his face because he knew that he won. "You do what we say and the two kids go with you," Gareth explained, he stared blankly at Rick, "anything else they die and you end up in there anyways."
That was enough for Rick, he looked at Carl and Carl gave him a slight nod. There was nothing we could do so I wasn't going to protest. My mind was running through possible escapes and all of them ended with at least one of us getting shot. It wasn't worth it.
"Now the archer," he said referring to Daryl, Daryl looked at me, he debated his next move but Gareth spoke again, "the girl will go first," I watched as one of the snipers found me in their scope. He must have thought I was his daughter, they had to have been watching us even before we were in Terminus.
Daryl walked over and stood behind Rick, he turned and watched us as Gareth called for Michonne to head over, "now the samurai," she followed without hesitation, she knew the outcome if she protested, her eyes stayed locked on Gareth as she headed towards the train car.
Those people calling for help were locked in the train cars, who knows how long they were trapped in there. Now it was our turn to be hoarded like sheep, we should soon share the same fate as them.
All that was left was Carl and I. I inched towards him, I wanted to let him know I was at his side. "Step away from the boy, do not move. I didn't tell you to move, so don't" Gareth shouted at me. I stopped and glared up at him. I hated him. I hated how snarky he was, I hated that he knew that he had us just where he wanted us.
I wanted to kill him.
I've never actively wanted to kill another living person before now. I hated the feelings but I could picture my mother's knife going into him, just like it had to Billy and his friend. I would finally feel relief knowing that we were safe after I drained the life out of him.
I would kill him if Talia was in the train car. I would make it painful too.
"Stand at the door, ringerleader, archer, samurai, in that order," Gareth said as he watched them line up by the stairs of the train car.
"Now the mute," Gareth hollered, he was referring to me. I sent daggers with my eyes his way but before I walked towards them, I looked at Carl. I gave him a nod, he would end up with us over there, if not I would have even more reasons to kill Gareth.
As I walked away from Carl I felt Daryl's eyes following me. It was nice knowing he worried about me but at this moment I wasn't the one to worry about. I disliked that he hadn't came up with a name for Carl and instructed him to walk over.
"My son!" Rick hollered as soon as I reached the line.
"Go kid," Gareth ordered and Carl quickly walked over to us.
When Carl was half way to us Gareth felt the need to speak again, "ringerleader open the door and go in." Rick didn't like this and neither did I. Carl wasn't to us yet and they could easily kill him or take him without us realizing if we were placed in the train car.
"I'll go in with him," Rick said, refusing the orders.
"Don't make us kill him now," Gareth shot back. And with that Rick walked up the stairs and slid open the door. It was dark, the sunlight lit up train car enough to see a small portion of it. Just enough for me to see what I was walking into.
I lingered on the stairs, enough time to make sure Carl made it so the sniper didn't have an easy shot on him. "I will kill you, mute, get in the damn car," Gareth's voice echoed through the air. I took a step up, carefully making my way up. I wanted to linger on the last step again to make sure Carl made it to the stairs but Daryl's hand reached out and grabbed me. He pulled me into the car right as a bullet hit the side of the car. He wasn't lying, he would kill me. I turned towards the sunlight, waiting for Carl to make him way into the car.
A few seconds pasted and he finally appeared, Rick reached out for him and pulled his son close to him. We were all in here, trapped, but we were together. The door to the car slid shut and it was so dark. It took a second for my eyes to adjust to the darkness but once they did I noticed we weren't alone.
A single person came walking towards us, "Rick?" Glenn's voice filled the car. I nearly started crying at the sight of him. He wasn't dead.
Glenn wasn't dead.
The guy who was there to witness my first human kill, the one who put himself in danger to keep me from being found, the one who taught me how to go on runs. Glenn was alive and I nearly dropped my silence act.
As Glenn stopped, Maggie and Sasha appeared behind him. "You're here," Rick said, he wanted to be happy to see them, I could tell in his voice but given our current problem it was hard to celebrate. "You're here, "Rick repeated, I noticed Bob walk towards us as well. There were four new faces to the group now.
"They're our friends," Maggie said as Rick took them in, "they helped save us."
"Yeah," Daryl's voice echoed, "now their friends of ours," his arm finally let go of mine and I shocked myself by running up to Glenn and throwing my arms around him.
I needed to make sure he was real, he could have easily been a figure of my imagination but as I pressed my face against his shirt I knew that he was very much alive and in front of me.
I heard one of the new people speak but I didn't listen. I had more of my people.
My head wiped up and I looked around as I took a step back from him, "Talia?" my voice cracked as I tried to squint in the dark. What if Glenn or Maggie saw her and saved her? She could be here.
"No, I'm sorry," Glenn said, he looked down at me and grabbed my arms, "we'll find her," he reassured me.
"If we make it out of here alive," the same new guy spoke again.
"No," Rick said, everyone looked at him, I even turned my neck to watch him, "we are getting out of this, all of us, alive."