Disclaimer: plz be mindful that there is (primarily verbal) bullying this chapter, so i just wanna make yall aware in advance. kids are mean
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"...and, with that, class is over for the day. I'll see you all at practice in the morning."
Katsuki let his notebook fall shut, then shoved it back in his bag alongside his pencils and other crap from the earlier classes. With exams approaching again, his classwork had only been growing more and more stressful—but, such was the nature of school.
"Did you want to study in the library for a bit, Katsuki?" Yaoyorozu asked, packing up her own things only a few seats away. "These past couple lessons in history have been giving me some trouble, and I know you wanted some help with this week's science material, too."
"Mhm. Works for me."
"Ooh! Ooh, will you guys tutor me in math if I order a pizza?" Camie bounced towards them. "I might fail the next exam if I don't get some extra lessons in, so..."
"Yeah, yeah. S'fine." Katsuki rolled his eyes. "Make sure you order it with extra sausage, though."
"Midoriya's not even here! C'mon, Kacchan. Get your head out of the gutter."
"Oh my god, I wasn't—"
A light hand patted his shoulder, followed only by Todoroki's familiar form. "There's nothing wrong with wanting dick, but right now may not be the time. Weren't you at Midoriya's a couple days ago anyways?"
Katsuki groaned, shrugging off his friend's hand. "Yeah, maybe I was at his place, but—"
"Came back with a nice new limp, too!" Camie interrupted, bursting with glee. "I'm so proud of you, like, so proud of you, and—"
"Why the hell are we talking about this to begin with!?" He spun around, a sharp scowl carved into his face. "For fuck's sake, I..."
But someone—two, three, four someones—were all staring at him, whispering among themselves and giving him a too-curious, too-suspicious look.
Shit, not again...
"Let's—let's just go." Katsuki grit his teeth, trying to hold back the small explosions threatening to spark in his palms. "Don't have time to be standing around."
He'd been getting the stares, the looks, the side-comments and the hints of gossip all week. No one had had the balls to talk directly to his face, but it wasn't like he was so stupid as to miss it.
Nobody knows about me 'n Deku... s'all just rumors, just gossip, but that doesn't mean that it's... that it makes it better.
Yaoyorozu and Camie crowded in closer to him, and Todoroki reached for his shoulder again—this time, Katsuki didn't shake it off.
"...would you feel more comfortable in the dorms, Katsuki?" Yaoyorozu asked, too soft for his liking. "There's probably a lot of other students in the library right now, and we can use my dorm if you want."
"I'll go grab some ice cream, too—or, um, you were into that one orange sorbet, right?" Camie continued, and while he knew his friend's efforts were put out to make him feel better, they only served to mask his bone-deep discomfort. Katsuki hated letting other people's words get to him, but since the fight when they'd accidentally run into Deku the week before, he'd been hearing whisper upon whisper of Bakugou and Valiant and ...together? Is that who's been doing him?
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
"Your room's fine." Katsuki bit out, hands shoved deep in his pockets. "And thanks, Camie."
Anywhere but here is fine. Anywhere away from the gossip is fine.
He hadn't mentioned the rumors to Deku—not yet, at least. Katsuki was well aware that his boyfriend was already dealing with his fair share of press issues, and even though the interview footage that'd been broadcasted from last week's fight had been censored on the big networks, bits and pieces of the rest of that unsolicited interrogation had appeared on gossip networks, and everyone—everyone—was narrowing in on that new name.
Bakugou Katsuki. Close contact with Bakugou Katsuki.
He'd ran to the bathroom upon learning about it. He'd hardly slept after the first murmurs of gossip had hit his ears. This week had been the worst test of his self-restraint that he'd ever had to endure—despite every small bit of slander whispered around him, even if the things he heard about Deku were nasty and downright wrong, Katsuki couldn't afford to say a damn word.
I can't let them know for sure. I can't... can't make it worse than it already is, for the good of both of us.
His bitten tongue grazed broken, bloody lips, and for as much as he tried to convince himself that everything was okay, the physical signs told him otherwise.
"At least we'll have the chance to brush up on studying tonight," Todoroki said, breaking him from his trance. "You said you needed help with scie—"
"Bakugou."
That's not a student talking.
"I need you to come with me for a bit," came the voice again, not scary or threatening, but firm nonetheless.
Fuck.
Katsuki would've rather died on the spot than face Aizawa, but this was the one situation that he figured he didn't have much of a choice in. He broke away from his friends on his own, waved them off, and managed to turn towards his teacher.
Still, he couldn't meet his eyes.
"We shouldn't be too long." Aizawa said to his friends, right over Katsuki's head. "Hopefully."
Katsuki told his friends to go on without him. That he'd meet back up with them afterwards. Then, he followed Aizawa, knowing they were off to the teacher's office without having to be told.
Don't be about Deku. Don't be about Deku. God, please, don't... don't ask me about Deku.
Aizawa had him sit on a small couch, offered him water, and sat across from him after dropping a small stack of papers in front of him alongside a small laptop. For as much as he wanted to believe everything was alright, though, Deku's name lay printed on several of the scattered papers, and nothing else had happened to warrant a private meeting with his teacher.
"Bakugou," Aizawa sighed, rubbing a hand over weary eyes. "This will be a lot easier if you're honest with me."
"Mm. Probably." Dry, empty. As if he'd given up before the question was even popped. But Aizawa only shook his head, let out a long, slow, tired sigh, like he wanted this conversation over as much as Katsuki didn't want it to start.
"If it's any consolation, nothing will be held against either of you by the school staff or his agency."
Either of you. Of us.
His teacher shuffled through the papers, then pulled a couple out with a nearly unnoticeable grimace. "You're dating Midoriya Izuku, better known as Pro Hero Valiant."
Katsuki stared at the tap water in his glass. Blinked. Nodded.
Guess it's easier to admit when someone else says it first.
The papers were set back down in the pile, Valiant's—Deku's—face bright against the stark reports. He knew there were people looking at his boyfriend's every move, but he hadn't considered, or hadn't wanted to consider, the idea that people were taking note of his actions too.
"I appreciate you making this easy." Aizawa rubbed his eyes again, irritation dull on worn features. "They told me I wasn't allowed to talk to you about this until we had enough evidence to keep you from running out on me, but I'd always taken you for an honest one. Told the higher ups they were ridiculous for hunting down every damn scrap of gossip they could find when you'd tell me right out what was going on."
Oh.
"Can I leave now." He asked, blunt and far-too-far from the present. "Got homework."
Don't wanna think about this anymore. Don't wanna think about people sticking their noses where they don't belong.
"Believe me, I..." Aizawa turned towards another, smaller stack of papers on the desk. "I'd much rather send you back to your friends than have to prepare you for dealing with the press, and other complications that will likely come out of your relationship."
...oh.
"I'm leaving," he said, mechanically rising from the couch before even processing those two simple words. "The press can fuck themselves."
"Midoriya thought that same thing, you know."
Shut up.
"And I'm sure you're well aware of what they've said about him in the past, and what they're saying about him now. Midoriya..." Aizawa rolled a pen between his fingers, staring down at the files. "Midoriya was a student of mine. One of my best."
"Yeah," Katsuki mumbled, reluctantly falling back to his seat. "He's.... he's amazing."
"He's an amazing target for the media, too. I know you're smart, Bakugou," Aizawa paused, "so tell me. Why do you think that he has reporters stalking him at every angle?"
Stop. Stop. Stop. "Don't wanna talk about this."
"That would make two of us, then." His teacher shook his head. "Midoriya is a good hero, if not a little reckless. But despite issues with his mentality and other things, and despite his insistence in the past couple years on avoiding the press, I would never doubt his fidelity towards being a hero."
If nothing else, that declaration was a good sign.
"'Course he's a good hero. What's your point." Why the hell does this matter?
"My point is that not everyone sees that. The media swarms in on failures like a moth to a flame—it's ridiculous. You make one misstep like Midoriya did two years ago, and they'll keep finding ways to dig in deeper and deeper." Aizawa droned, dark eyebags somehow even darker than before. "You'd be appalled by the amount of money they make off of him—I've done my research. A pro hero who's desperate to stay out of the limelight, but insistent on executing flashy rescues and overperforming on duty, and brands himself on being 'a hero before anything else?' Bakugou, you have to understa—"
"He's more than a fucking hero!" Katsuki half-screamed, voice cracking at the end. "They—they don't know jack shit about him."
"I know he is. Trust me." Aizawa nodded. "But when people hear rumors of the country's most prominent, and most objectively attractive pro hero bachelor having someone else after he's declared time and time again that he wants nothing to do with relationships? That sends their ratings to levels more absurd than you could ever imagine."
Ratings... you're telling me...
"You—y-you're telling me that he's being put through this shit because people want to fucking profit off of his life!?" Bile rose in the back of his mouth, each acid breath burning holes in his throat. "His damn job is to save people, not deal with this shit! All he wants is to be left alone!"
"It's a shame his quirk isn't suited to stealth," Aizawa said, lips turned to a slight frown. "I went underground as a hero because I can't stand the media's filth either. While Midoriya and I have had our differences, this is never a situation that I would wish on him. And as his boyfriend, I'm sure it hurts you to see him deal with this, but as his former teacher?"
...shit.
Katsuki fumbled with his fingers. "Bet it's not easy."
"It's not. Not at all."
Hunched over the table with calloused hands folded in his lap, Aizawa looked far, far more like a peer than Katsuki had ever seen him before.
"Midoriya is so, so incredibly young," he continued. "And the burden of perfection that the media has put on his shoulders is far greater than anyone his age should have to endure. In their eyes, he's barely human. So when those more human things come into his life, like you, their perception of him is ruined."
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it so much.
"That's—that's stupid." His arms went stiff, shoulders bunched together at his back. "Fucking stupid."
"I'd agree with you, but unfortunately, that's how most people see heroes. And because Midoriya has hardly shared anything about his personal life, it makes him even more interesting." Aizawa snorted. "One might even see it as some twisted version of playing hard-to-get."
I guess I understand where that would come from, but it's... god, this is so fucked up.
"In addition to that, I hope I don't have to explain why the headline 'Pro Hero Valiant discovered to be dating U.A. student' could cause problems."
Katsuki stared at his lap.
Oh.
"What... what am I even supposed to do, then?" he mumbled, hands clenched against his legs. "Not gonna break up with him. We haven't done anything wrong. All we're trying to do is live our fucking lives, and I—shit, I don't want our damn relationship just used as a way for other people to make money!"
"There's that point, and there's also the risk of agencies not wanting to take you on because of this situation. And, if I may ask... were you and Midoriya thinking about becoming hero partners at any point in the future?"
Kinda. Just a little. Only for the past three damn years...!
But he nodded, nodded, and waited.
"Personally, I think you two would make an excellent team," came the approval, far more than he expected. "When I watched the both of you work together in the second year final exams—that matchup was a complete fluke, by the way—the means in which you moved and worked together was incredible, and I know that if given the chance, your teamwork will only improve."
Awesome, awesome, so—
"Which is why I'd be irritated if the media were to try and frame your relationship in a negative light before you have the chance to prove that the both of you make a legitimately good team."
...there's the catch.
Katsuki's shoulders slumped forward, another wave of anxiety crashing over him once again.
All I've wanted... all I've wanted for so long...
"I'm gonna be his goddamn partner," he said, barely audible through clenched teeth. "Don't care what anyone else says. S'what I'm gonna do."
I'm gonna... I will, I wanna, I...
Katsuki would deny the quiver in his voice and the uncertainty gnawing at his chest for years to come.
I... I'm...
"I can't promise you it'll be easy to do this," Aizawa's gaze flicked back up to meet his. "But if nothing else, I wanted to say that in regards to you as a U.A. student, and to Midoriya as U.A. alumni, the school will support you both as much as we can."
...holy shit.
"Are you serious?"
Aizawa dipped his head. "I've discussed this with the school board, and while they were hesitant on the idea at first, the truth of the matter is that you two are both young, growing heroes with an incredible amount of potential, and as a school for heroes, it'd be a disappointment on our front if we were to let two people so promising be shot down before they could get their feet off the ground."
While it disgusted him that this conversation even had to happen in the first place, hearing that his school would be willing to do that much for him and Deku...
"Thanks." I hate it, I hate this situation. "It means... means a lot. Really."
Even if this is the preparation for a worst-case scenario.
Aizawa smiled some sort of sad, tired smile, then glanced up at the clock. "I'll leave you to study. I'm sure your friends are wanting to see you, but just know that if there's anything you need help with in regards to all this, you can always come to me."
Katsuki got to his feet, still so far out of it, but nodded. "I... I will."
He couldn't find the strength to say anything else.
The walk back wouldn't—shouldn't—have taken more than ten minutes, but Katsuki's legs had turned to lead and refused to carry him any faster than his sluggish brain could process everything that had happened.
I... I just...
Even with all the support U.A. was offering him, the thought of going over to Deku's place again brought with it both aching need and chilling fear.
Is it safe to do this? Can we really keep this relationship up?
Katsuki pushed open the school exit, bag heavy over his shoulders. Long, overcast clouds crowded the summer sun, and the usual bright greens that accompanied him were so dull, so washed out, so—
"Oh man, did you see that guy get dragged to the teacher's office after class?"
Katsuki ducked his head, started walking faster, hoping, hoping that the idiots meandering around the sidewalk wouldn't notice him.
"Who, Bakugou? Yeah dude, he looked like he was about to shit himself!"
Fuck, fuck...!
"Serves him right. Hope he's finally getting called out for what a fake he is so the rest of us don't gotta be associated with his ass anymore!"
"Whoah, whoah. A fake? This the stuff about him cheating at the sports fest again?"
Keep walking. Keep walking.
"Yeah! I mean, come on. Everyone knows he got his pro hero fuckbuddy to rig that win for him. No one just walks out of the ring on the last round of their third year sports fest, and that illusion wasn't a coincidence either. And you heard what happened at his final exam last year too, right?"
It took every ounce of self restraint to keep from crying, from screaming, from running up to the idiot students on the side of the walkway and prove that his skills were anything but fake.
"Ohh, when he and Valiant got paired up in the exam and he fuckin' destroyed everyone?"
Shut up.
"I heard Bakugou was acting so damn cocky before the match started. Makes sense if he was just planning on throwing his boyfriend at everyone to win...! "
Shut up.
"Hah, shoulda known he was just Valiant's bitch! Big-talking Bakugou didn't start winning 'till his daddy got involved!"
Katsuki nearly threw up on the spot.
I gotta keep walking. Please, please, I just gotta keep walking.
"Oh—wait, dude, over there! Bakugou's—"
"Hah, perfect!"
Looking back, he should've sucked it up and ran the rest of the way instead. But one of those shitty kids, followed by one, two, three of his fucking buddies, decided it'd be a great idea to stop him in his tracks, hardly a hundred feet from the dormitory door.
Go. Away.
"The hell do you want?" He hissed, moving to push past the group of students. They must've been from the business department or the still-bitter part of general studies, because he didn't recognize a single one as they grabbed his arm and refused to let him move any further. "Oi, get the fuck off of me!"
"Why, something wrong?" One of the taller kids teased, jabbing at Katsuki's chest with a sharp finger. "You gonna call your little boyfriend to come save you?"
I can't give them the reaction they want. I can't. I can't.
"I've got shit to do. It's almost exam week," he grit out, trying to tug his arm from their grip. "Fuck off."
"Oh, gonna call up Valiant for a little study session, aren't you?" One of the other kids cackled. "He went to U.A. too. Bet he's gonna pound all those answers into you, isn't he?"
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
Deku would be able to play it cool until he was safe. Deku would be able to get out of situations like this without causing a scene. Deku—Deku would be his example right now.
Anything I say or do will be used against me, so I have to...
"Didn't realize that sleeping your way to the top was such an easy way of getting noticed."
I have to...
"Man, bet all you had to do rise in the ranks was shake your ass a little for him!"
God, I have to—
"Must be fun," the first person said, tilting Katsuki's head up to face him, "whoring yourself out for a little bit of success. Hah, too bad you can't seem to earn it on your own!"
Stay quiet.
A hoarse, raucous, mocking series of laughs followed as the other students knocked him in the shoulder, in the chest, even daring to slap his ass before walking off with that horrible, horrible howling in their wake.
Breathe. Breathe. I need to breathe.
Katsuki stayed frozen for ten, twenty seconds after they left, but when his legs finally decided they were going to move, it was in the clunkiest, most stilted fashion he'd felt in years. His friends were probably waiting for him at this point, but a good part of him just wanted to go curl up in his bed and stay there for another hundred years.
I don't wanna hear this shit anymore. Everyone's just wrong. I know everyone's wrong.
But the nausea in his stomach just kept growing, growing, and a big part of him nearly ran to the bathroom to shower three times over right then and there.
That said, Yaoyorozu's door was a haven.
"Katsuki! You made—" came Yaoyorozu's voice, fading as she took in his pitiful form. "Oh, no... everything okay?"
Fine wasn't the right answer. But nothing else was either.
"Just wanna sit down," he said instead, thankful to his friend for stepping aside and letting him in without another word. Camie and Todoroki were staring at him, but they didn't bother him as he got comfortable as he could, settling back onto a plush pillow on the floor to lay down for a minute or ten. His friends knew what the past week had been like for him, but...
No one's ever said that garbage to my face when my friends are around... as soon as I was alone, though, those assholes thought it'd be okay to do that to me.
Katsuki's stomach twisted.
What the hell is my life coming to?
Even just the thought of that was enough to send another wave of nausea rolling through him, and Katsuki hoped the sight of him curling up on the floor wouldn't alarm his friends too much. Camie pat his shoulder, ran a hand through his hair, didn't push for answers. Todoroki carried on with what studying they'd started before he'd arrived, and the stable, constant stream of familiar voices was enough to help him calm down a little. They ate a little—him, not too much—but the casual atmosphere certainly helped.
Don't think about what they said. Don't believe them when they say I'm just a fucktoy. Don't let them tell me how I feel. How Deku feels.
His phone buzzed in his pocket, but Katsuki, for the first time in so long, hesitated to pull it out.
It's... it's probably...
[Deku] hi kacchan!!!!
[Deku] i got off work early today!! They got someone else to cover the evening shift so i could get a break
[Deku] but uh tomorrows sunday and im not working till noon, so if you want you could come over and spend the night again?
[Deku] maybe go another few rounds if youre up for it;)
[Deku] (1 image attached)
And oh no, the stupid picture Deku had sent was a hot one. He'd zipped down his hero suit to his crotch, one hand slipped in the crease of the zipper low enough to tease him with that gorgeous, gorgeous v-line. Scratch marks from their last bout of sex still sung over his chest, and just in the shadow of his hero suit was a small, perky nipple, just waiting for someone to get their mouth on it. Best of all, though, he'd stuck his tongue out far enough to show off the small, glistening silver ball inside, the hunger in his eyes enough to tell Katsuki everything his boyfriend wanted to do to him.
Hah, shoulda known he was just Valiant's bitch!
Katsuki closed out of the message as fast as he could, trying to pretend that his hands weren't shaking, shaking.
Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head, dammit...!
"Hey, Baku...?" Camie's voice came, more than a little concerned. "You, uh... you look kinda sick. Need anything, babe? Water? Food? Meds?"
A break.
"I-I..." his voice trailed off, and acting like he was actually okay was a failing effort now. "I dunno. Don't feel great."
The small group fell quiet, and Katsuki almost regretted saying anything when Todoroki asked if his meeting with Aizawa had gone badly.
That part wasn't awful. Could've been worse. Just kinda overwhelmed, and then with those students, and Deku...
He wasn't sure he'd be able to text back in the next hour, much less that same night.
"Wanna talk about it?" Camie asked again, meaning only well. But knowing his friends, they'd just get angry and upset over what had happened to him on that short walk back—rightfully so, though right now, hearing more loud voices and accusative words was all he didn't want.
"Later," he finally managed, pulling his phone back towards his chest and shutting it off. "Nothing important. Promise."
It wasn't important. What they said was just words. Just words. Just lies, and I know it...!
His friends didn't push, and while he was happy to go the evening without talking about it, those stupid comments wouldn't stop bothering him at every waking moment.
I'm not Deku's bitch. I don't call him to come save me. I wouldn't... I'd never whore myself out for success.
Katsuki didn't reply to his boyfriend's messages throughout the evening, and he couldn't even look at his phone before taking three separate showers in a futile attempt to scrub the insults from his skin.
Not some helpless asshole. Not someone's bitch. Not anyone's whore.
He spent longer than he would've liked in the confines of those bathroom stalls, doing things he'd refuse to speak about come morning.
They're wrong. They're wrong. They're wrong. I'm not...
Katsuki came back from the bathroom to four new, glowing notifications from only ten minutes ago.
[Deku] aha, sorry... forgot it was close to exams for you. im gonna head to sleep
[Deku] ill let you know when I'm free again!!
[Deku] i miss you and i love you, baby<3
[Deku] hope youre doing okay
If another fifteen-minute crying fit and pleading for the insults to leave, leave fit the bill for okay, then Katsuki supposed he was doing alright.
[Katsuki] sorry I missed this
[Katsuki] got a little sick when I was studying w friends earlier. I'm fine dw
[Katsuki] sleep well
[Katsuki] love u
In the confines of his lonely, midnight room, it was almost too easy to dwell on those lies.
He didn't tell any of his friends outright what had happened that day, but made an effort to stick close to them, to not venture out into the halls without someone he trusted nearby, and to never, never walk to his dorm alone for the next week. Studying was hard, but talking was harder—and hopefully, Deku would take his sparse replies as a result of his schoolwork rather than any other reason.
I don't wanna talk about this. Can't really talk about this. It's not even a media problem right now, it's just... just people being mean. I'll survive.
But that kernel of truth in the heart of their messages, the fact that Deku really had been there at his biggest wins in some form or another left him feeling more repulsed by his victories than he would've liked.
Ground Zero, he almost scoffed. What a fake. Can't even come up with a hero name on my own.
Katsuki ran himself into the ground during practice. Worked until he couldn't physically move anymore. Trained more than he should've, more than his body could handle for the amount of stress he was carrying on top of everything else.
And for the fifth time that week, he found himself staring at the greenish glow of his alarm clock at 3 A.M., wondering how he'd be able to haul his body to class through the maze of stares and not-so-subtle comments again. His friends were starting to catch on—Camie had been aware of the gossip from the start, as per usual, but now it was them refusing to leave him be rather than the other way around.
"Hey, Katsuki?" Yaoyorozu asked, just after their last exam. "Ah, I was wondering if you were planning on going to Midoriya's tonight? I know it's been some time, and with the weekend here, I was thinking that you might want to spend it with him..."
"Why are you asking me?" Katsuki said, slinging his bag over his shoulder. "Maybe. If he's not too busy."
It's been over a week since I've seen him. Could be longer, but...
"I think you should go over for a bit!" Camie joined them with a pat to Katsuki's shoulder. "Relax, have some fun, maybe have dinner or something...you know, do something away from here!"
Dinner... dinner doesn't sound bad.
"Like I said—maybe." Katsuki repeated, trying to suppress the nausea welling up in his stomach. "If he's not too busy. I'll—I'll text him when we get back to the dorms."
He refused to admit the real reason that going over to Deku's place right now was making him anxious.
I'm not his bitch. I'm not his whore. I'm not weak. I'm not weak.
"I hope it works out, babe!" Camie smiled wide, but Katsuki could've sworn there was something more in those lips. "You've earned some time off. I've seen how hard you've been working out there!"
"No joke." Yaoyorozu nodded. "It's crazy. I'm sure you got one of the top spots on the exams, though!"
"One of the top spots?" Katsuki rolled his eyes. "Sure. You know I beat you in the written portion this semester, that first place is mine."
"And the physical portion?" Todoroki approached from behind. "I seem to remember doing better than you in that part?"
"Pfft, sure," he groaned. "We'll see when the results come out."
I know what I'm doing. I know what I'm doing. I'm not some—some fake...!
"But seriously, you and Midoriya should go spend some time together." Yaoyorozu pressed again, looking around the classroom to make sure no one was listening in. "Didn't you say he was going to have this weekend off, anyways?"
"Well, he was trying to." He pulled his phone from his pocket—no new notifications. "Don't know for sure. You know his job's unpredictable, so everything's subject to move around 'n shit."
"I'm sure he'd be excited to hear that you're free!" Camie nudged him again, a little stronger this time. "Especially 'cause you've barely talked to him this week! Or even about him..."
Oh. That's what this is about.
"I'll text him," he promised, turning towards the door. "I'll go over tonight if he's free. Maybe stick around for a bit over there. Dunno."
Half an hour later, Katsuki received an enthusiastic reply from his boyfriend—yes, he had the next day-and-a-half off, and yes, he was dying to see him.
I wanna see him too. Want to hear him again, talk to him again, kiss him...
Katsuki swallowed.
Kiss... kiss him again.
The last time he'd been this nervous to go to Deku's place was after he'd been attacked, just before they'd gotten in the argument that nearly tore them apart. This time, though...
This is a different kind of feeling. Of fear.
But he got his stuff together, said a quiet goodbye to his friends, and forced himself out the dorm door on his own. He'd have to run to the station, or at least out U.A.'s gates. After all, the last thing he wanted was more voices, more talking, more lies, lies, lies.
Maybe I really will feel better after I see Deku again. Maybe I should've talked to him more this week instead of ignoring him like a dumbass.
The gate was close—no more than one hundred, two hundred feet away.
Maybe I really am a coward for avoiding him because of those fucking words.
There was no one between him and the street, right? No one there?
But maybe this counts as running to my boyfriend. Maybe this counts as needing him for help.
Katsuki stopped right in front of the gate, took one last wild, frenzied glance around, and only pushed the door open when he was sure those kids weren't there. Realistically, the possibility had been next to none to begin with, but...
I don't know. I don't know anymore. I thought... well, I didn't think it'd be this hard. Just 'cause Deku's a pro, and just 'cause he's a little older than me doesn't mean our relationship is wrong or weird, or that I'm any less than him.
Right?
He got on the train, making his form as small as possible in an attempt to stay hidden. Getting in a confrontation like he had with those kids in a space as cramped as this was the last thing he wanted.
Now, though, even thinking back to how he'd accused Deku of only seeing him for his body made him sick. They'd been through this—it wasn't as if these feelings were new, not in the slightest. The last time these feelings had crept up on him, the worries had carved out a home in his own head, spurred on only by his own misgivings and fears.
But when someone else says it...
"...hey, over there? Is that the kid from the sports fest? Did you hear those rumors, they said that he's..."
When someone else...
"...with Valiant? Yeah, I heard...! Poor kid, putting up with his bullshit. Remember how he butchered the end of that capture the other day?"
When someone...
"Such a shame... I used to like Valiant, but I don't even know if I want my kids seeing him on TV now. Screwing up left and right on missions, screwing a U.A. student... so, so disappointing."
When someone else says it, it feels like it might be true.
It might've been the middle of a burning, sweltering summer, but as soon as Katsuki ran off the train, he pulled the hood of his jacket as far over his head as he could.
Leave me alone. Leave him alone. Leave us alone.
Running into the shadow of the alleyway towards Deku's apartment and out of the bright, blazing light had never been such a relief before. He'd poked fun at his boyfriend for living in such a dingy area before, but at times like these, Katsuki could begin to understand the appeal of being so disconnected from the rest of the city and its constant commentary.
Maybe when I move out, I should look for someplace like this too... at least, something away from people.
Though the thought of moving out and graduating was so far in the distance, anything was a welcome distraction from the lingering words plaguing his every move. He climbed up the stairs, tried to keep himself busy thinking about anything else, but the closer he came to his boyfriend's door, the more his chest hurt with each thump of his still-beating heart.
I'm not coming here because I need help. I'm here because I want to be here, because he's my boyfriend, and because we've been together for almost a year and I want him for so much more than his body.
One knock. Two. Three. All quick taps, right against the creaky wood of Deku's shoddy door.
I hope he's not expecting sex was the last thing that passed through his mind before that door opened and Katsuki was let inside, pulled into an immeadiate hug as soon as he crossed the threshhold.
"Kacchan," Deku murmured, pulling him close to his chest. "Missed you. You feeling any better?"
Oh. Right. I told him I was sick recently.
"Yeah, I'm..." His own arms wound themselves around Deku's waist, looser than he would've liked. "I'm fine. You?"
His boyfriend fell quiet, only to break the momentary silence with a small, short laugh. "I'm, ah... I'm alright. It's been a long week."
Duh, I'm sure he's been struggling too. I'm glad I didn't dump all my problems on him after all.
"But," his boyfriend continued, one hand trailing down Katsuki's back. "There's definitely something I've been looking forward to."
"Something?"
"Mm. Er, well..." that hand squeezed his ass—one cheek, then the other. "Maybe two somethings."
...oh.
Usually, he'd be excited. Today, though...
"You... you were wanting to have sex?"
Fuck.
"If that's okay with you," Deku said, kissing up on Katsuki's semi-covered neck. "I wanna feel you, baby. Wanna touch you. Wanna hold you. Wanna—" his boyfriend's crotch pushed forward against his own, the friction so good and so horrible all the same. "Mm... I wanna fuck you, baby."
Dammit. Dammit.
Katsuki didn't want to say no. Really, really didn't wanna say no.
I don't wanna make him sad. He's clearly been having a hard time, and I...
His boyfriend gave his ass another small squeeze, and all Katsuki could think of was the taunting, the laughing, the hands on his arm and the slap where Deku's hands were as they'd walked away.
Bet all you had to do to get to the top was shake your ass a little for him!
Katsuki swallowed back the words, doing everything in his power to not let it get to him—not now, not tonight, not ever.
This isn't them. It's Deku. Just breathe. Just breathe. I know he sees me for so much more than that.
So he stayed still, didn't object to the small touches and kisses and sweet nothings murmured against his neck as his boyfriend felt him up in the apartment's entrance.
"You want this, Kacchan?"
He'd said yes.
"Mm, want me?"
I do. I do. I know I do, I swear.
They made it to Deku's bedroom, kissing and feeling and shedding clothes all the way there. Katsuki managed a laugh as his boyfriend let him fall back against the familiar bedsheets, that pillow tucked beneath his head as a mouth teased against his chest, tugging his shirt up enough to press butterfly kisses to his stomach and have his teeth graze smooth, sensitive skin.
It feels good. Really, it feels good. I do want this, I want him, I...
"Don't know how you're always so cute," Deku murmured, hands trailing over every bit of exposed upper body and fondling his nipples in the way that Katsuki usually liked. "God, I missed you. Know it's only been a little more than a week, but..."
Those gorgeous, scarred fingers tugged at his waistband, and it was all Katsuki could do to keep from screaming.
I don't need to tell him to stop. I won't tell him to stop. I'm fine, I'm just fine, I'm not letting those stupid words get to me, and I... I-I...
"...Kacchan?"
Bet he's gonna pound all those answers into you, isn't he?
"Keep—keep going," Katsuki begged, trembling hands cold around Deku's own as he pushed them down towards his crotch. "Don't want you to—"
Shoulda known he was just Valiant's bitch!
Deku let go.
No, no, don't do that, don't stop now, I'm fine, I promise, I—
"No. We're not doing this," Katsuki heard, flooding him with some horrid mix of relief and utter fear. "You're shaking."
He might've croaked up an I'm not, but Deku didn't resume what he'd been doing. Instead, his boyfriend offered him a hand up, another pillow to hold between his arms, and from somewhere, a half-full bottle of water.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
"Are you sick, Kacchan...?" Deku asked, apparently still unsure of what the real problem was. "You, uh... god, you're pale. Kinda sweaty, too. It's not a fever, is it? Do you need to go to the bathroom?"
"I-I pissed before I came over."
"That's, um... not what I meant."
Oh.
But Katsuki shook his head, let the nausea die down a little bit again, and tried to breathe, breathe.
Everything's fine. Everything's fine.
That pillow was a good source of comfort, if nothing else. He was glad he hadn't taken his shirt all the way off; just feeling it slide back over his chest was enough to calm his rapid heartbeat to some degree. Katsuki hadn't felt this way when they'd first gotten intimate with each other—hadn't gotten so scared, so nervous, so downright terrified—but now, it was as if even the thought of the one person he trusted above all else touching him like that was a nightmare.
"So, you don't feel sick? Like, illness-sick?" Deku asked him again, and he shook his head.
"No, I'm..."
"Don't tell me you're fine."
What?
Deku didn't reach for him, but there was a visible crease in his forehead and worry welling up in those too-knowing eyes. "I've been there. Don't tell me you're fine, because I know you better than that."
Oh... oh.
Katsuki coughed.
"I've, uh... been better."
"No shit." Deku cursed. "Kacchan, I backed off because you suddenly looked like you were either violently sick or on the verge of panicking. I don't know why, and I won't know why unless you tell me."
He'll worry if I tell him. He'll worry if I tell him.
"You weren't like this last time you came over—yeah, you were a little nervous, but it wasn't anything like this." Deku frowned, almost as if he was trying to analyze his behavior. "When I started touching you, you started tensing up. Last time, you got more relaxed when I did it. Did someone hurt you? Did you get injured in practice? Are you dehydrated? Do you have a headache? Do you—"
"Can I hug you?"
Deku's mouth fell open.
"O-Of course, Kacchan."
Katsuki let his boyfriend pull him into his arms, let himself bury his head against Deku's shoulder, let his arms wrap around that waist tight, tight, tight in futile search of even the barest comfort.
Deku, he... he feels nice.
And for the first time that week, Katsuki's soul managed to find a bit of peace. This room was an oasis, and the last thing he wanted to do was track mud and filth into its comforting fold.
He wasn't sure how long that they stayed there. Eventually, Deku's hand came up to rub at his back, head tucked just over Katsuki's own. It was nice, like this. A little peace, a little quiet, and a little space for them to just relax in a silence filled only with the occasional murmur and the rhythm of steady heartbeats. If he was a sword, Deku was his shield—knocking back the unfair blows thrown his way, keeping him safe until it was okay to strike back.
I'm not a coward. I'm not a wimp. I know what I'm doing, and I...
Deku hugged him closer.
I love him. He loves me. Doubting that would be a mistake.
But he'd known that from the start, and even so—those idiots' words had hit him hard.
Why, why...?
"...will you tell me what happened, Kacchan?" Deku ran a hand through his hair, only caring, only ever caring. "Please. Don't leave me in the dark about whatever this is."
He wants to help.
"Just... promise me you won't get angry," he mumbled, fingers curling into the thin fabric of Deku's shirt. "Promise me."
Please. Please.
"Angry...? Kacchan, did you do—"
"I didn't do anything. Wasn't me," he stumbled, the words coming out in a rush. "Haven't—haven't even told my friends. Don't want them to get angry either. Everything's fine, I really shouldn't let this shit get to me, it's just..."
I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm so fucking afraid.
"I-I..."
Deku didn't interrupt, let him take his time.
Get it out. We're always better off when we talk to each other, and I can't... I can't let this come between us. Not again.
"...I-I mean, people... people stare." Katsuki started, each word thick in his throat. "Been staring. Since that interview, people have been giving me weird looks 'cause of all the rumors. They talk. I hear it sometimes. S'fine, really, it just happens."
Deku didn't respond then either, but somehow, his silence was growing colder and colder.
"The... well, the other day, I was just walking back to my dorm alone, and..." Katsuki bit his lip. "Group of shitty students, probably gen ed or somethin', came up... c-came up, and said s-some shit to my face..."
The drop of a pin could've been heard in that frigid bedroom.
"What did they say."
Don't wanna think about it. Don't wanna think about it.
"Was—was just a bunch of bullshit, s'fine, everything's—"
"Kacchan."
Something inside him broke.
"I-I just," Katsuki said, each trembling word breaking to a choked mess. "I-I didn't wanna cause a scene, 'n they grabbed my arm, wouldn't let go, said some garbage about—a-about..."
There'd been a hand pressed flat to his back, but now, those tough fingers had contorted to gnarled claws, frozen against Katsuki's shirt.
"I... I'm not..."
Get it out.
"I-I know I'm not, I do, I..."
Salty tears streamed down his cheeks, soaking into the cheap fabric of Deku's flimsy shirt.
"M'not... n-not sleeping with you to get ahead, d-dammit...!"
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
"N-Not a fake," he sobbed, voice cracking at every interval. "Not... n-not weak. Don't need you for everything, d-don't need to—to whore myself out for success, don't... m'not, really, m'not just your f-fucking bitch...!"
I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.
"S'just words, just words, I know they're just w-words..."
Katsuki's entire body was convulsing under his boyfriend's grip, each desperate grasp at speech no more than a frenzied attempt to say something, something. Garbled nonsense, flurries of m'not, m'not, m'not, gross spit mixing with tears consumed every inch of him as finally, finally, he let himself fall apart.
In some sort of miracle, Deku's hand went flat to his back again, massaging it in constant, slightly-stiffer circles. His boyfriend had stayed deathly silent through the whole process, but now, with the other coming up to weave itself in Katsuki's hair and press his head closer to his chest—
"Hey, Kacchan," he started, and in the midst of everything rushing through him, Deku's anger-rimmed voice was the most soothing thing he'd ever heard. "Do you—" he pushed him firm against himself, Katsuki's head tucked perfectly to Izuku's chest. "Do you feel that?"
...feel? Feel...
Katsuki's breath hitched.
Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum.
"Back... back before we got together, at the beach, do you remember what you told me?" Deku asked, and all of a sudden, he remembered.
Your... yeah, your...!
"I can feel your heartbeat," he whispered. "Y-Yeah, it's... it's so fast..."
"Is it nice?"
Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum.
"Yeah. Yeah, s'nice."
If he had a say in it, they'd never move.
He wasn't totally sure why Deku had decided to do this now, but...
I won't complain. Not at all.
They stayed like that for a minute, maybe five, maybe ten. Katsuki didn't care, only ever focusing on that steady beat, on that thump, thump, thump, on Deku's arms around him, on not letting go.
I love you so, so much. Fuck.
"You... you told me to not get angry." Deku finally said, popping the bubble of quiet and warmth they'd formed. "I—I can't even begin to describe how pissed off I am about what you've told me, but I know... I know that my anger isn't what's important right now. I'm gonna try to stay logical."
...Deku?
"I hate the fact that you're even being put in this situation, and I wish I had anything better to tell you, but... well, people..."
Fingers dug into Katsuki's back again. "People can be mean. People can be so, so awful. I wish I could tell you some secret for getting them to shut up. I—fuck, I wish I had all the answers. And I'm glad that at least, you're not letting them convince you that they're right. 'Cause they're not. But this sort of thing... shit, Kacchan." His boyfriend sucked in a long, sharp breath. "This is one battle you're gonna have to fight without me."
Right. Deku being involved too close would only make things worse, so much worse.
If they already think I can't handle shit on my own, I can't prove them right.
"I hope you have your friends helping you out with this." Deku murmured. "They'll be your best asset right now, I think."
Right, right... I guess I should actually mention this to them. Not just dodge the question.
He nodded, teeth digging into his lip.
"Have you told U.A.'s administration about this?" came the next question. "I know it's probably not what you want to do, but something like this would definitely fall under bullying and harassment. I don't know how much they'd be able to do, but... it may be worth checking out."
Katsuki grimaced. "You're right, I don't like the idea, but I'll do it when I go back. Aizawa... he talked to me last week about the media and the rumors and stuff. Said he'd—he'd try to help me out."
Didn't think I'd need to ask so soon.
"Ah, that's... that's good," Deku said, though there was some element of discomfort in his voice. "Aizawa, he... yeah. He told me he talked to you. That—that U.A. knows about us."
"There's worse people who could know."
"Ugh, no shit."
Katsuki shifted, letting out a long, slow sigh as he got comfortable against Deku's chest again. "I just—god. Pisses me off when people start making assumptions when they start thinking we're together. Ain't like I'm some desperate student only after your dick." Not your bitch. "Ain't like I need you to protect me 'cause you're mister bigshot-pro-hero." Not a coward. "Ain't... ain't like I'm trying to use you to get ahead." Not useless. Not powerless. Not pathetic.
He sucked in a long, slow breath, trying to calm the rising tides of his own barely-suppressed anger. "I hate it. I hate it so much. And, just..."
How do you deal with this, Deku? How do you live with everyone looking at you like you're a failure? How...
"How—how the fuck do you stay strong when people do this kind of thing?"
Deku laughed. Laughed.
"Strong?" Hollow, just like that sad, sad laugh. "Kacchan, I... I'm not strong. Not like that. It's more just..." he sighed. "When people talk shit about you for so long, you either start believing them or stop caring. There's... there's nothing harder to change than someone's mind."
...oh.
"All you can really do—er, well, I can do—is my job. I'll keep being a hero for these people, and I'll keep smiling when they need it, and I'll keep caring. What the news says I am doesn't matter, because as long as I stay true to what I believe, then eventually, people might see."
"Nobody tells you how fucking depressing the life of a hero can be."
"Aha, nope... not at all." A failing smile fell over Deku's face. "But on the bright side, I guess it brings you closer to the people that really matter, right?"
The people that matter... of course Deku cares. I can't doubt that.
Not only that, but his friends cared about him. His teachers saw his strength. His parents approved (enough), and—
Wait. Parents.
"You, uh... if we're talking about 'people that matter'," Katsuki said, "then would that include your mom?"
Silence.
"...oh."
Huh?
"You're right, you're right..." Deku tensed. "Probably need to tell my mom about this at some point. Probably soon. Fuck."
Did I just mention something I shouldn't have?
"Better to do it sooner rather than later, with all this shit hitting the media fan. Don't know how much time we have left anymore," Katsuki said, only for his boyfriend to make some noise of disgruntled agreement in response. "And come on, I'm sure your mom's great."
"She is, she is... I just haven't, um, talked to her in awhile."
"Why?"
Deku pursed his lips. "She's, ah, never been too into the idea of me being a hero. Doesn't like the fact that I get put in danger so much, and I'll be perfectly honest, I really don't know how she'll feel about me dating... you."
"Ah." Katsuki swallowed. "Gotcha."
But Deku just shrugged, nodded, hugged him again. "My birthday's coming up in a couple weeks. Maybe we could go visit then? I think I've mentioned that she lives a few hours out before, so that could be a good excuse to bring you with me," he said, a hint of a nervous laugh at the end of those words. "Aha, if nothing else, the chance of it going worse than me talking to your parents is practically zero!"
And for the first time that night—no, week—Katsuki let out an honest, ugly, highly-amused snort. "Gee, no shit. Just let me do the talking and it'll be okay, 'kay?"
"...we'll see."
They spent more time going over plans, making casual conversation about everything that wasn't all the shit happening outside, and sharing a kiss or two, so much of the guilt and dread and bad feelings from before fading away.
He's here. It's okay. We've got each other.
"You're staying the night, right?"
They made dinner together, traded teasing jabs for shoveling food down their throats.
"I'd rather stay the week, but yeah."
After dinner was a movie, and Deku's dramatic commentary proved to be far, far better than whatever shitty story was going on in the background.
"A week...? Ah, staying with you for that long sounds really, really nice..."
They'd showered together once before, but this time, the mood fell more towards soothing kisses and comforting touches and a few "accidental" instances of shampoo in the eyes.
"One day we gotta take a bigass trip. Just us. Go to some island, or the mountains, or wherever."
Deku had set out a bottle of lube and a box of condoms on his nightstand, but the two wound up ignoring them in exchange for spooning and secret whispers that no one else would ever be privy to.
"A trip? Not bad, but I was thinking of something a little different," Deku pondered, voice muffled against Katsuki's back as he held him close. "I think I'm going to go apartment hunting soon."
"Oh, good. Can you move somewhere closer to the grocery store so you don't have an excuse to eat frozen meals half the time?"
"Shut it, I've been cooking! Those pizzas are for my cheat days and you know it."
More kissing, more cuddling, more simple comfort. Deku's bed was his favorite place in the world.
And I'm not gonna let those fuckheads convince me otherwise, Katsuki reminded himself, just as his eyes began to fall shut. I'm gonna survive this. I have to—no.
I will.