"You got your clothes?"
"Check."
"Food?"
"Check."
"Sleeping bag?"
"Check."
"And please, tell me you have the tent."
Izuku nodded, phone propped up between his shoulder and ear. "Check, check, check. Just cause I haven't done this much before doesn't mean I can't read a list!"
"Yeah, well... I'm gonna be the one to make sure you're not making any stupid beginner mistakes." Katsuki mumbled from the other end of the phone. "I've got all my stuff together, so you better not screw this up before we start, Deku."
Not gonna screw up the short time we have together. Not gonna screw up the camping trip we've had planned for weeks now.
"Give me a break, Kacchan. I read over the list you sent like, ten times!" Izuku protested, but cursed when he realized that he'd forgotten to throw in his water bottle even after looking through his new, basic camping gear more than he'd have liked to admit.
"...someone's a little quiet, huh?"
"Shove it."
"Forgot something?"
"I said shove it."
There was a small, short chuckle from the other end, and for as much of a little shit his boyfriend was being, it was still kinda cute.
And it's... it's nice to hear his voice again. This week has been so long, too many patrols and incidents, and god. It's been like, a month since we've gotten to spend any extended amount of time together. I'm ready to see him again.
"You... you are just about done packing though, right?" Katsuki asked, more hesitant this time. "I'm not too far from your place right now, and I was just gonna go wait for you once I got off of the stop, and—"
"I'll be down there in a few minutes, don't worry." He assured him, looking over his stuff once more before zipping up his bag, slinging it over his shoulder, and grabbing his keys. "Is the weather still alright? I haven't gone outside this morning, but the forecast said it would be sunny and relatively warm for February, so I just grabbed a coat and—"
"It's good. Shouldn't be any issues. Just get down here, 'kay? I don't wanna be standing around waiting for you for too long." Katsuki huffed, and somewhere in the background, Izuku could hear the familiar sound of the train coming to a halt. "I miss you. S'been too long. Don't wanna waste this time while we've got it."
"Ah, me neither. And I'm—" He stepped out the door, pulled it closed, and locked it behind him. "I'm leaving now! Be right over."
"Alright, alright. See you in a minute."
His boyfriend hung up as Izuku raced down the stairs of his apartment building, camping gear strapped to his backpack and anticipation quickening his every move. There wouldn't be much skin-to-skin contact like the onsen had allowed them, but even through the barrier of thick jackets and warm hats, he was excited. It'd been too long, too long since they'd been able to see each other again for real, and until they met up and got to the hiking trails, Izuku wasn't sure the feeling of being away from work for a whole two days would sink in. They'd been trying to text regularly, yeah, but most every conversation had ended with a bitter aftertaste. Izuku couldn't put words to just why it felt so off, so strange, but in more than one way, this small trip felt like it could be their make-or-break for good.
Something... something has to give. I don't know what's going on, not really, but I just...
Izuku's breath hitched when he saw Katsuki standing at the end of the street, his own backpack secure on his shoulders over a dark, warm-looking coat. It really wasn't bad outside– while January had been ripe with scathing winter chills, February had graced them with pockets of relief, days where the cold would lighten up enough to let them consider doing something like this. It'd taken too much deliberation between them to even figure out when, where, and what to do for the weekend, but finally, finally—
We're going out for the next thirty-six hours, and no one else is gonna get in our way this time. It'll just be me, him, and the trees.
Katsuki raised his hand up in a small half-wave, a thin smile over his face. "You really did make it, huh? Well, points for effort. If nothing else, you look ready for a camping trip."
"I am ready! More than ready!"
"Yeah, yeah. We'll see if you're still saying that tonight." Katsuki murmured, but there was no hiding the small hint of humor in his weary voice. "We've got a train to catch, and I don't wanna be late to this one. You sure there's nothing else you need?"
"I'm sure." Izuku nodded, and with a small step forward, he reached out to pull Katsuki into a hug– only for his boyfriend to shake him off not a moment later.
"We're still in public." He mumbled, and for as true as that was, it still didn't explain the awkward hesitation in his every move. "Let's, uh, just get going."
Does... does he not want me to touch him...?
"I– yeah, okay. You're right."
Just go along with it for now. It's fine.
Katsuki turned, motioned for him to follow, and for as much as he was looking forward to what was to come, it was as if just another small part of him had cracked.
Off to a great start, huh?
But there was a chance that his boyfriend wasn't just saying that to push him away. Maybe it really was just because they were sorta-kinda in public, maybe once they got on the hiking trail it'd be better, maybe—
"This way, Deku." Katsuki pulled him out of his thoughts, and Izuku could only stumble towards him and follow. There was a good chance he was overthinking everything, yeah, but still– unlike how titillating the onsen trip had been, dwelling on this one only served to nurture the worst of his fears.
It'll be better once we get on the trail. Once we get out of the city. It's about an hour-and-a-half ride out there, and we'll both probably sleep on the train, so... maybe I'm just tired. That might be it.
Thankfully, they dodged the 'are-you-gonna-talk-first' game when the train pulled up upon their arrival. They found a seat and sat down with their gear, Katsuki by the window while Izuku sat in the aisle seat. The shuffle of other passengers filled the train, but for as loud as it was, Izuku still felt as if the deafening silence between him and Katsuki was threatening to drown him. His boyfriend had turned towards the window, one elbow propped up on the sill as his other arm lay limp in his lap. It would be easy enough to just watch him, to just wait and wait for something to happen, but that...
Then we'd still be stuck, right? Stuck in whatever this place is? Stuck, unable to escape?
The other passengers had begun to settle around them, and fell quiet as the train rumbled to a gentle start.
"Are you, uh, gonna try to sleep...?" Izuku started, eyes still fixed on his boyfriend. "The hiking spot's a little ways out there, so..."
"I might." Katsuki shrugged, jacket riding up and over his neck. "Dunno yet. Sometimes it's fun to watch the scenery and stuff."
"Aha, yeah... I can see that." His tongue lay heavy in his throat. "Weather's nice, huh?"
"We talked about that earlier."
"Right, right..."
Why is this so hard?
"Was, um, training fine this week?"
"Told you about that already, too. But being back at school's been fine. It's still barely the middle of the semester, so not much has happened." Katsuki sighed. "Saw my friends for a bit a few days ago. Todoroki's been dragging this asshole along with him wherever we go– or, well, the asshole has been dragging himself along with us. But, uh yeah. We went and saw a movie."
"O-Oh, yeah! The, um, that new rom-com that came out, right? I think I remember you mentioning it."
"Mhm. It was cheesy as all hell, but I guess it could've been worse."
And again, silence.
Izuku forced a small laugh, unsure of what else to do. "A-Ah, well, that's good. Maybe that's something we could do too, if you wanted...?"
"Going to a theater isn't too public for you, then?"
"I mean, it's in the dark, and—"
Something poked his shoulder– nothing hard, nothing weird, just—
"H-Hey, um... P-Pro Hero Valiant?"
Ah, shit.
Katsuki fell quiet as Izuku plastered a smile on his face, and turned to face the person who'd poked him. "Hi there. Something going on?"
The guy– who looked to be no more than some middle-aged, run-of-the-mill man– sat in some sort of shock upon Izuku actually responding.
"O-Oh, oh my god. It's really you!?" He was nervous, yes, but more excited than anything else. "I– would you mind if I got a picture? Or an autograph?" The man rubbed a hand across his forehead, and a part of Izuku could've sworn he was sweating. "My, my daughter is a huge fan of yours, she talks about you all the time, a-and—"
"W-Well, aha, I don't mind an autograph if you've got a pen I can borrow." Izuku replied, slightly wary about the fan but sensing that the enthusiasm honestly was perfectly innocent. "You, um– you said it was your daughter who was a fan?"
"Yes! She loves you, watches all your fights, your interviews, and reads all the articles about you...!" The man continued, barely able to contain his elation. "She– she always tells me about how she wants to be just like you. A-A strong, amazing, kind hero like you!"
Like... like me, huh...?
Realistically, he knew the things people saw on the news were the incredible parts– the inhuman, plastic, one-sided parts. They'd see his strength, his success, and his failures all in the same vein, and while Izuku hadn't been much better at looking behind the screen growing up, it always felt odd to see people want to be like those parts of him.
If they saw everything that was wrong with me... if they really saw in, saw all the nights I've spent crying my eyes out or all the nightmares I've had because of this damn job, then would they really...?
No. That wasn't it.
They wanted to be the hero on the screen, the unfailing, unwavering, unfaltering hero Valiant. Nobody wanted to be like Izuku, someone kept hidden so far from the public eye, buried deep, so deep, deep enough that only a chosen few would ever really come to know him.
"U-Um, is this okay?" The man asked, handing a small pen and pad of paper to Izuku across the aisle. "I don't have anything else, but—"
"This is good!" He managed, shedding the spiralling thoughts away. "So did you just want an autograph, or— wait. Actually, um, what's your daughter's name...?"
"O-Oh! It's..." The man continued, and told Izuku not just her name, but also showed him a few pictures of her. She was just in middle school– young, just like he'd been, but confident and determined to become a hero like him. And yeah, for as much as he disliked hearing the just like you phrase, he couldn't say all of those qualities were awful.
Maybe not all of me is a hero, but... the parts that are aren't so bad for someone to aim for, right?
He signed the note with the girl's name and small smiley face, followed by his own name and a a 'you can do it!!' in big letters. The man was more than grateful, and kept showing Izuku picture upon picture of his daughter, told him stories about her on the rest of the ride there, and thankfully, didn't ask about the person sitting right next to him. Katsuki might've fallen asleep, but Izuku wasn't about to draw attention to him to check. Right now, they had to be strangers, no question about it.
Because for as kind as some fans might be, there's some risks we can't take. Not when we're still in semi-public like this.
But the remainder of the ride was easy enough, and Izuku found himself enjoying the quiet conversation he'd struck up with the man more than he'd expected. That said, saying goodbye wasn't hard, and he did wind up turning to nudge Katsuki awake when they arrived at their stop. They might've gotten a stare or two as they hauled themselves off the train together, but with so many of the passengers asleep, the risk was really next to none.
Now we've just gotta find the trail, get hiking, and—
"Hey, Deku." Katsuki said, not wary, not nervous. "Back there, when you were talking to that guy, uh..."
Izuku's gut clenched just at hearing him, partly afraid of what he had to say.
"...that was. Pretty sweet." He kicked the ground in front of him, not meeting Izuku's eyes. "Asking for that kid's name and all. I saw what you wrote."
Oh...?
"A-Ah, I mean, it wasn't much—"
"You took the time to have a whole-ass conversation with a fan, and you wrote something special for his daughter. Maybe I'm not as familiar with that shit, but it's more than I've seen most heroes do." Katsuki shrugged, and started walking out towards the edge of the trees. "Maybe I wanna be like you in that way. Y'know. How you're always kind to people and all that."
...how I'm always kind?
He couldn't see it super clearly from where he stood, but Izuku could've sworn Katsuki was blushing.
Maybe... maybe this will go well after all.
"Agh, no more waiting around!" Katsuki huffed, and marched off towards the trail. "Let's get going. If we can set up camp in a couple hours, we'll be good to go. Gotta get there before it gets dark."
"I'm coming, coming!"
It was a clear day aside from the thin wisps of clouds in the sky, the sun's rays trickling through the thin, winter-struck canopy of leaves above them as the two disappeared under the cover of the forest. Katsuki had been up on this trail a number of times before– though it was a fairly popular spot in the warmer seasons, winter months usually found it abandoned but for a select few. Conversely, Izuku hadn't ever been much for hiking. For as athletic as he was now, so much of his childhood had been spent pouring over videos and comics and wandering in the footsteps of pro heroes. But these were the trails Katsuki had grown up wandering in– always outdoors, often alone, but never afraid.
And now, walking behind him as his boyfriend led the way with a confident step, Izuku couldn't help but fall in love a little more.
He looks at home right now.
"There's a stream up ahead." Katsuki called out with a toss of his head. "Don't be stupid, watch your step."
Warm rays of afternoon sun streaked through his hair, and Deku could've sworn he'd laid eyes on an angel.
He looks... happy.
Under the trees like this, and among dust, dirt, and vegetation, it was comfortable. Quiet. As if the nature around them had taken their voices up in a gentle hold, only allowing the occasional sound of birds or the shuffle of scurrying squirrels through. Their silence didn't always have to be awkward, and even with only the rare comment on the terrain from Katsuki or a glance back to make sure Izuku was okay, something felt right about this.
Even so, I'd love to be laughing with him right now... just talking with him, holding his hand, maybe giving him a kiss or two every once in a while...
But this moment, as it was, was still good.
"Think we've got another half-hour or so." Katsuki murmured, eyes fixed on the spidery, spindly tree branches. "Then we can set up camp, get a fire going, and– o-oh, shit—!"
His boyfriend stumbled over a rock right at his feet, and before he could work to balance himself with the added weight of the backpack, tripped into the small, trickling creek in front of them. Katsuki cursed, thick mud mucking up his pants and cold water dripping from icy fingers. It wasn't a deep ditch by any means, but that didn't stop Izuku from running up and stretching a panicked hand out to him.
"You okay?" Izuku blurted out, only for Katsuki to stare at his hand with some sort of wary, uncertain look.
"I'm fine. S'happens." He muttered, and hauled himself out of the shallow creek bed, completely ignoring Izuku's offering. "Don't worry, none of the gear got wet."
"That's– Kacchan, that's not what I was worried about, I just..."
Wanted to know if you were okay.
"N-Nevermind."
Izuku could've sworn he saw a slight, nearly imperceptible shake of Katsuki's head, but didn't move to confront him again. He was right, it was just one little thing, and he was fine, but...
I... I wish reaching out to you didn't make me feel sick. I wish it didn't hurt you.
They continued on along the trail in a different kind of silence. Stark, empty, and far more frigid than before.
I wish I didn't worry this bad about him. This tension is probably my fault. 'Cause if I... if I didn't care so much, this would all be easier. Right?
Izuku sighed, tried not to think about how close they had to be to their breaking point, and kept walking.
He'd told himself over and over that now wasn't the time for that question, that they could just deal with it later, but as time went on, whatever bond they had left had only been growing more and more brittle. Izuku was anything but an expert on relationships, and while the main response he'd received to his worries with friends was just talk it out, you'll be fine, he had no idea where to even start.
After spending so long living in a pyramid of lies, finding even the most meager scaffolding of truth among the cobwebs and dust stood to be one of the most difficult trials he'd ever faced.
How much longer can I fool myself into thinking I'm okay with this situation?
Combat came naturally after years of practice. Sex was a familiar escape. Words, though... words were barely-charted territory, despite all of his time spent in therapy trying to clear the fog bit by bit.
What do you want, Izuku?
I want him to be happy.
Branches crunched below his feet, the soft yellows of the sun melting to an orangish glow above him.
I asked you what you want, Izuku. Not what he wants.
Katsuki's halo had shifted to orange, spikey, soft, and dappled just like the flower he'd held onto for so long now.
I... I want...
"Campsite's just up ahead." His boyfriend reminded, the life in his voice having been washed away with the slow trickle of the creek. "We'll make it there on time."
I want us both to be happy. Together.
"R-Right, yeah. Got it."
I'm not going to let this slip away from us so easily. Not now, not when there's still so much we could be...!
The tensions were high as the temperature was low, but Izuku fixed himself with a new determination. If this was their shot at reconciliation, their last real shot, then...
I'm going to take it. I won't let this– t-this thing we have together– go without a fight.
There had to be something he could do, something to get the words going and feelings running, something that wouldn't result in screaming and burning anger and frustrations beyond belief. Couples got through fights all the time. There couldn't be some sort of secret to it, not really, so just what was he missing?
What's our key? What do we need to do?
"Alright, here it is." Katsuki said once more, stepping into a small clearing off to the side of the forest. "Not too big, not too small. I've camped up here a few times, and it's usually pretty quiet. Haven't run into anyone else at night here before."
"Ah, that's good to hear."
The area really was nice– a small fire pit sat near the center of the clearing, ringed with stones and littered with fallen wood at the perimeter. It probably hadn't been used in a while either, if the untouched branches and small pebbles scattered around the area were anything to go by.
Katsuki was right, of course. This was a good spot.
A good spot for making out, and maybe a good spot for making u—
"You wanna set up the tent?" His boyfriend said, interrupting his thoughts for what had to be the tenth time that day. "I'll go find some decent firewood if you can go ahead and do that."
"Oh, um, sure!" Izuku nodded, dropping his bag to the ground and pulling the compact tent out of it. He'd wound up investing in a new one made for two– all Katsuki owned was a one-person tent, and as nice as the prospect of curling up tight with his boyfriend was, Izuku felt as if being that close might just make things worse.
Plus, I'm not exactly small. Kacchan's like six or seven inches shorter than me, and, uh... muscle mass is a thing, too.
In short, the two-person tent had definitely been a good idea. However, when Izuku began to open it up in search of directions of how to set it up, some sort of slight panic began to set in. He didn't expect that putting the tent up would be super easy, but the mess of rods and fabric and stakes he was faced with only served to confuse him more and more the longer he looked at it. The instructions that had come with it had gone missing (a part of him vaguely recalled leaving them at home) and so, after several minutes spent on his knees trying (and failing) to pitch the tent, Izuku nearly gave in and called for help.
"Um, h-hey, Ka—"
"You've never set up a damn tent before, have you?"
...shit.
"W-Well, um, I've set up some similar stuff out on rescue operations, but..." He paused, realizing that that was probably the worst thing he could've said when considering his poor history of having to find help from other heroes when it came to arranging the medical tents. Even those, though, had been a different (and to some degree, simpler) structure than this one.
But ever-capable Katsuki simply crouched beside him and shooed him away. "I'll take care of it. Grab some firewood, 'kay? Make sure it's dry." He jerked his head off to the side. "There's some bigger logs off to the edge of the trees that someone must've left behind, so take those next to the fire pit and throw some thinner branches for kindling in there. I already got some tinder, so don't worry about that, alright?"
"A-Ah, right! Sounds good."
Truth be told, he didn't know what most of those words meant, but it seemed easy enough.
Easier than the damn tent, anyway.
A few minutes into juggling branches in his arms and hauling logs over, though, he looked over to see Katsuki getting to his feet in front of the perfectly erected tent. No weird bends, no awkward poles sticking out, and no fabric poorly stretched over the frame.
Izuku had never been so turned on in his life.
"You just gonna stare at me, or are you gonna get that in the fire pit?" Katsuki complained, but Izuku could hear the bit of pride hiding beneath the rough words. "Come on, that's the easy job."
"I'm getting it! Aha, sorry, sorry..."
"S'okay. Actually, you can just dump those over here and I'll get it set up." His boyfriend instructed with simple confidence, pointing to the side of the pit. "I know you're strong, so bring those logs over here, yeah?"
Yeah! I'm strong!
"You got it, boss!"
Something I can do!
He could've sworn Katsuki cracked a small smile at that, red sun making it almost seem as if he'd flushed at the small declaration of boss.
I'd let you boss me around any day, Kacchan.
Izuku ran off to collect more sticks before he could think on that further, though, the implications of Katsuki ordering him around far more potent and arousing than he'd expected. Now was the time for wood, yes, but not that kind of wood.
We've gotta make up before we can go do that stuff again, after all.
It was like magic, watching Katsuki work. All Izuku did to contribute was dump the sticks and logs at his side, but it was his boyfriend who arranged it all in a structured, efficient, and nearly artful manner.
"Can you go grab the matches? They're in my bag, lower left pocket."
"On it!"
Katsuki lit a match, tossed it into the kindling, and watched as the first flames of a small fire began to crackle to life before them. It was certainly pretty, seeing those small bits of red and orange flare up into gentle yellows and whites, but so much more so was the earnest smile on his boyfriend's face, fire dancing through his eyes and tickling his cheeks.
"I... I've never done this sort of thing, but it's kinda, uh—" He started, but just as the words left his mouth, Katsuki turned to face him instead of the tiny fire. "...kinda beautiful."
"Beautiful, huh?" Katsuki whispered, and in the evening light, looked like something out of a fairytale. "You're a sap, Deku."
A scarred hand came up to cup at Katsuki's face, thumb running along sun-kissed cheeks. "Do you really mind?"
"No, I..." This time, it was his boyfriend who leaned in close, chapped lips brushing his own for only the briefest of moments. "I don't mind. Not with you."
Not with me, huh...?
Katsuki didn't go much further than that, though, hesitating as soon as he met Izuku's eyes. "We should probably get the rest of our gear unpacked. And I gotta go piss. You get the food out, and I... I'll be right back."
"Alright, alright."
Because of course, things couldn't be fixed that quickly.
He got up to dig through his bags for what food they'd brought– nothing much, just some trail mix for snacking, sliced turkey, cheese, and bread for dinner, as well as ingredients to make s'mores for dessert. Katsuki had objected at first to those, but gave in to Izuku's pleading eyes despite his boyfriend's groaning that s'mores 'weren't all that' and were 'too unhealthy for his school diet'. Izuku had pulled his pro hero card and objected those claims in their entirety, and convinced him to treat himself a bit. It didn't take long to pull out the food, and as he was rolling out his sleeping bag, Katsuki returned from his bathroom break.
"I'm kinda hungry. Might go ahead and eat." He said, pushing past Izuku and into the small tent. "You want anything? I was thinking about making a grilled cheese."
"Just cheese? Here I thought you were the one talking about how unhealthy this was to begin with."
Katsuki's faced burned, and an awkward hand came up to rub at the back of his neck. "Well, uh... I could add some meat. Make it a melt. That'd be fine too, I guess."
"I suppose that means that having a s'more or two shouldn't be a problem either then, yeah?"
"Fine, fine! I get it, asshole." He grumbled, but the resistance in his voice was little to none. "I... haven't had s'mores in a while anyways. But, uh... yeah. Gonna go make that melt. Did you want one, too?"
"Oh, sure! Extra cheese, please."
"Hmph, no surprise there."
"You said you didn't mind me being cheesy."
"Sappy." Katsuki grinned. "There's a difference, you know."
"Sure, Kacchan. If you say so."
Izuku brought a couple bottles of water out to the fire pit, watching the flames flicker and grow as he settled down at Katsuki's side. With each and every swift, natural movement, it was easy to see that his boyfriend knew what he was doing. It was fun to watch too, if nothing else. Dextrous hands folded simple sandwiches together, then moved to cook them over the fire in the midst of the dropping temperatures. The sun was falling fast, fast, but...
If nothing else, we have a good view of the night sky.
"Here. Eat it while it's hot." Katsuki said, and handed him a sandwich. "Tell me how it is, alright? S'been a while. There's enough left if you want a second one, too."
"Ah, thanks. This should be plenty for now, but maybe later?"
"Hm. Suit yourself."
Minutes later, Katsuki joined him with his his own sandwich(es) and set to chowing down. Conversation wasn't needed here either, not with food filling mouths and trapping anything they would've said behind flimsy grilled-cheese barriers. At least it wasn't uncomfortable, wasn't too awkward, just...
Uncertain.
Izuku might not know how to push for a conversation, but Katsuki obviously wasn't any better off. Instead of talking, his boyfriend moved to scoot closer and rest his head on his shoulder as they finished eating, some semblance of intimacy in the absence of real words.
"You... don't mind the weather, do you?" His boyfriend asked, hand running up to intertwine itself with Izuku's. "I know it's kinda cold, but..."
"You're like a space heater, Kacchan. Even if it's cold, it's not so bad when you're here, right?"
Katsuki managed a short laugh, only leaning in closer against him. "Thank my quirk for that one. But you've got all that muscle, too... can't imagine you get cold all that easily, either."
"Not that easily, no. Comes in handy sometimes."
"Like when you get your suit torn off in the middle of fights?"
"H-Hey, it doesn't happen that often!"
"Oh, really now?" Katsuki chuckled, squeezing his hand tight as his other moved towards the inside of Izuku's thighs. "I dunno... those gossip rags sure do seem to have a hayday time every time you start losing clothes."
"Oh my god, Kacchan." He groaned. "That's why I leave that garbage to my PR manager. I don't think I've had the pleasure of setting eyes on those trashy things since I started working." But then he stopped, some sudden realization crossing through his mind. "W-Wait, you don't look at that stuff... do you?"
Katsuki's silence was more telling than anything.
...you've gotta be kidding me.
"Kacchan, you– holy shit, you really—!"
"There's a few decent pictures of you in those, alright?!" Katsuki exclaimed, burying his head in his hands. "M-Maybe I check it out every once in a while, 'cause if you ignore all the headlines and the articles then there's, y'know, some nice shots!"
"If by nice shots, you mean unwarranted pictures of me taken in as lewd a manner as possible, sure." Izuku said, unable to tear his eyes away from his boyfriend's embarrassed face. "If you want something better to get off to, you can just ask, yeah?"
"Ain't like I get off that often to those!"
...oh... oh my god. I was joking.
Some sort of mortified look came over Katsuki's face as he realized what he'd just said, and all of a sudden, he was scooting away from Izuku's side and trying to pretend he hadn't just let that all slip out.
"H-Hey, hey, it's okay!" Izuku started, not sure how to remedy this situation. "I, uh... well..."
"You what, Deku?"
Yeah, what? What were you gonna say, Izuku?
A part of him was frozen, but another small part– a small, dangerous, part, had an idea.
Maybe... just maybe...
"How about we play a game, Kacchan?" He started, a slight tingle running from his hands to his feet. "A secret for a secret."
When a bit of confusion passed over Katsuki's face, he continued. "I mean, we're alone up here. It's about as quiet as it gets, yeah? So... I dunno, if you want, maybe we could just... share a little?"
"...oh."
He wasn't sure what response he really expected, but—
"I... I guess what's said up here, stays up here. Right?"
Here goes nothing.
"Right. Yeah. Of course." Izuku lay back on the dirt, then patted the ground beside him in an invitation for Katsuki to join. This was all new, so new, but some small voice in the back of his head was convinced that maybe this was what they needed after all.
"'Course you'd wanna lay in the dirt." Katsuki mumbled, decidedly less embarrassed than before. But nonetheless, he joined Izuku on the ground and stared up at the dimming night sky. The stars were barely visible right now, but the moon had risen up over the horizon, just barely peeking above the trees.
"Were you gonna start?" His boyfriend eventually asked, not avoiding the confrontation like he'd been half-expecting. "Come on, I wanna know whatever it is the great Valiant has been hiding."
"Fine, I'll start, even though you did a pretty good job of kicking things off yourself." Izuku grinned, only to earn a light elbow to the ribs in response. "Alright, alright. Well, um..."
What to say, what to say...? Nothing super dramatic, but...
"So, um, you know how I had my ears pierced?" He finally said. "I know they're not right now, I haven't gotten it redone yet since the earthquake, but... ah, well, I got it done to begin with 'cause I failed a dare in my third year of high school."
"Oh? You failed?" Katsuki probed. "Please, continue."
"It wasn't anything bad! Just, y'know, stupid high school things... Kirishima and Ochako– a-ah, Red Riot and Uravity—"
"I know who they are, dumbass."
"Right, right... well, they dared me to sneak into our homeroom after hours and, uh, draw a giant dick on the blackboard." Izuku sighed. "But with my incredible luck, Aizawa caught me halfway through doing it– I didn't get away fast enough, didn't finish, and wound up getting my ears pierced as the price for failing. Not that I really regret it, but, aha... it was kinda fun. Aside from the whole getting-chewed-out part."
"Hmph. Sounds like something you'd do."
"W-What's that supposed to mean!?"
"Accept a stupid dare. Then fail." He paused. "You're pretty impulsive, Deku. S'not always a bad thing, but it's definitely a thing."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Izuku pouted. "Your turn."
Katsuki fell quiet for a moment, but didn't take too long to come up with something. "I might've said it before, but, uh... I have a lot of your merch. I mean, not that much, 'cause there's not much out yet, but... ever since that day you rescued me, I kinda, y'know, wanted to see your face near me. Might be a little stupid, but..." Katsuki let out a small laugh. "It made me feel safe, y'know? And it always helped remind me that you– you, more than anyone else, was who I was gonna work beside one day."
"What the hell, Kacchan." Izuku murmured, glancing over to see his boyfriend looking right back. "How dare you go calling me a sap when you're, you know, doing all that?"
"You don't think it's weird?"
"No, I think it's cute as fuck. Oh my god, let me kiss you."
"H-Hey!"
"Do you mind?"
"A-Ah, well... no."
Izuku fell back onto the grass with a smile, just the smallest taste of Katsuki's lips having sent a fresh wave of heat coursing through his veins.
"That was a lot tamer than I expected, Kacchan. You're gonna make me look like a perv at this rate. But ah, okay, I've got another one." Izuku's teeth tugged at his lip. "So, going along with the first thing I said about the piercings..."
"I know you don't have a dick piercing. I've seen your dick."
"I wasn't gonna say I have a dick piercing!"
"Fine, fine. Keep talking." Katsuki relented, and fell quiet.
"Well, uh..." Heat rushed to his cheeks, a stark contrast to the cool air surrounding them. "I really liked having my ears pierced, yeah? I always kinda wanted to get another piercing or two, and while most external piercings aren't super great to have in the field, ah... I've always wanted to get a tongue piercing. Thought it'd be interesting. I've been told I'm a good kisser, and I've always been curious how it'd feel with a little something more."
He'd honestly expected a response, even if it was just something small. But Katsuki had gone silent, dead-eyed, and it took a you okay? from Izuku before he managed to reply.
"Deku, that's... uh. Y-Yeah. Wow."
The stutter in Katsuki's voice was horribly noticeable, and it took all of Izuku's self control to not point it out right then and there. He wasn't given a chance to speak next, though, because his boyfriend somehow found his words and decided to do his part.
"I-I guess, if we're going on that sort of tangent, uh... I-I kinda, um, didn't tell you the full truth earlier. I might have a big folder on my computer that I've compiled over the past two years. Of those shitty gossip rag pics of you, and—" Katsuki gulped. "Y-Yeah, I use it. Sometimes. Once or twice a week at least. Sometimes five or six. Oh, god."
For as much as he disliked those shitty magazines with their shitty articles and their shitty headlines, the thought of Katsuki getting off on a regular basis to semi-lewd pictures of Izuku was...
That's hot. Holy shit.
His mind was immediately flush with scenarios– if Katsuki ever played with his ass, stuck his fingers in his mouth, cried out Izuku's name with his hand wrapped around his dick when he came all over his bedsheets. How many times had he been responsible for Katsuki pleasuring himself, for getting him hard and hot, for driving that teenage arousal further, further, further till he was moaning and writhing in his bedsheets like it was the best thing he'd ever felt.
"You gonna say anything, Deku?" Katsuki asked, snapping him from his fantasies. "Don't leave me hanging. I-If I'm gonna say that, you better match me, 'kay?"
Match... that. Oh boy.
"R-Right, right. That's hot. Yeah. Okay." He stumbled, trying to focus again for at least a little bit. "Well. I guess, if we're just expanding on stuff, then... I don't just want that piercing for kissing, you know. In high school, I learned that apparently, I... suck dick pretty good, too."
If Katsuki had malfunctioned before, he'd fully short-circuited now.
"O-Oh. Y-You, uh... you suck dick good. That's, um. That's nice to know. A-And with a tongue piercing! Yeah, y-you should, uh, do that. I'll pay."
I love seeing you all flustered.
"I've been considering it a lot more recently." Izuku chuckled, relishing in the way his boyfriend's face only grew more and more strained with every word. "Now I have a reason to think about it again, anyways."
"O-Oh, right...! A reason to think about it! Because—" Katsuki's voice cracked. "'C-Cause you. Wanna. Suck my dick."
"Yeah. I do." Izuku said, amazed at himself for managing to stay so casual about it. "I like making you feel good, Kacchan. That's not to say I don't get anything out of it either, but... well. The way you look when we're making out is really, really nice. I wanna see it more."
That said, the way Katsuki looked right now, so flushed and so utterly vulnerable– was almost just as good.
"...there's, uh, one more thing I have to share. If we're going this far." Katsuki mumbled, trying to compose himself a little more. "I– well, um. Do you remember Yaoyorozu Momo? Er, u-uh, Creati?"
"Your friend, right? Isn't she also interning under Kirishima and Ochako?"
"That's, uh... that's right. Her quirk is making stuff from her body, and she's dating Camie, and after the first year sports fest, she was kinda... convinced... to make a sort of gag gift for me. By Camie. Which explains most of this, but, um. They realized that I had some sort of a crush on you before I did, a-and, well..." Katsuki sucked in a breath, as if trying to calm down. "She thought it'd be funny to get Momo to make me a– a V-Valiant themed... d-di..."
He couldn't hear the last part of Katsuki's sentence, not with his hands shooting up to cover his mouth and his voice dropping to less than a whisper. Izuku cocked his head, confused.
"Sorry, I couldn't hear—"
"She– s-she gave me a fucking Valiant themed dildo, alright?!" Katsuki sputtered, voice pitched up in some sort of cry. "O-Oh, my god. I can't believe I'm telling you this. You– you better not tell anyone, and I mean anyone, you hear!?"
Izuku wasn't sure if he heard, not really, because every gear spinning in his head had ground to a stop all at once.
A Valiant. Themed. Dildo.
"You– you said you have a dildo. Themed after, um, me?"
All he got in return was a small nod from Katsuki, who had rolled over on his side in order to avoid every chance at eye contact. "Y-Yeah. I-I. I wasn't gonna use it, not at first, but I just got curious once and gave it a shot because I have needs too, y'know! And it was kinda good. Kinda really good! And so I kept using it and eventually I asked Momo to make me a bigger one cause I felt your hard-on at practice one time and so now I've been using that one and—"
Kacchan has been fucking himself with a dildo themed after me since the start of his first year.
Suddenly, he didn't feel so self-conscious about his own Katsuki-centered wet dreams and fantasies.
"Kacchan, that's– oh my god. That, um, might just be the hottest thing I've ever heard."
His boyfriend's voice was trembling, quivering, and for as much as Izuku understood why, all he wanted to do was kiss the fear right out of him. "...you... y-you really think that?"
"Holy shit, yes." Izuku breathed, reaching to hold Katsuki's hand again. "You're gonna have to show me this at some point. In person. I– I wanna see this."
"You wanna hold what's been up my ass more times than I can count?"
"I mean, I'd assume you clean it off."
"Well, duh. But it's..." Katsuki faltered, and though he was obviously thoroughly embarrassed, a slightly choked laugh worked its way from his throat. "I-I thought you'd find it too... too weird."
"Weird? The thought that you like getting off with something that's supposed to be like me?" Izuku kissed his cheek. "No, no. Fuck, I mean, it's not like I never fantasize about you. And that you have friends that would do that... well, whatever their intentions might've been, I guess it all worked out in the end. Right?"
This time, Katsuki rolled back over to look at him for real. "...right. You're right." He paused for a moment, almost as if trying to decide what to say next. "I... if it's alright, I do have a question for you. You don't gotta answer if you don't wanna, but, um..."
Izuku had known the moment that the red left his boyfriend's cheeks that whatever he had to say was serious.
"You kept mentioning all that, uh, sexual stuff you did back in high school."
... oh, no.
"Were you... were you dating someone else then...?"
And for as turned on as Izuku might've been, those words alone were enough to shatter the mood.
...dating.
"I-I, well, uh. It... it was kinda complicated." Izuku's stomach turned, but this was something they'd probably have to talk about at some point, anyways.
What better time to tell him than while we're letting all this stuff out, anyways?
"In second year, I briefly dated my friend Ochako. Uravity." He swallowed, but the thought of the relationships he'd had with his friends still left a bitter taste in the back of his throat. "It, uh, didn't last very long. I think we only kissed once, nothing further. But in third year, I..."
Kirishima's face flashed through his head again, smiling, giving Izuku what he'd thought he'd wanted and needed. What he'd thought might one day lead to something more, something like love.
"You don't gotta talk about it if you don't wanna." Katsuki reminded him, a twinge of worry teetering on the edge of his words. "I figured there's a reason you've never really talked in detail about it after this long, but—"
"N-No, it's fine. It's just that, um..." Izuku's voice trailed off again, and for whatever reason, it was still so hard to find the right words. "Third year was really, really hard. I-I'd kinda, ah, bogged myself down with school and my internships, and well... K-Kirishima asked me once about having a little sex to relax cause I'd been so stressed out, and I..."
Just one condition, alright? I don't mind helping you out a little. I mean, I think it'd be pretty fun too! But I just wanna stay friends. Is that okay, dude?
"It was supposed to be just a friends-with-benefits thing. And it was. We never went on any dates, never did typical couple-y stuff, never really made out unless it was while we were having sex. And I kinda..."
Yeah, that's okay! I get it! It won't be an issue, I promise.
He'd thought in those short bouts of lust and pleasure and need that maybe, just maybe, there'd been something more.
"You, uh, fell for him?"
"I... yeah." His hands were shaking, shaking. "I– I thought– I-I honestly thought I loved him. Asked him out at the end of the year. I wanted more. I– I begged him to stay, to find an apartment with me, to actually be my partner, b-but he... he said no. Like I'd known he would've. Like we'd agreed on from the very start."
I'm not crying, am I? I've cried enough over this. I don't wanna cry anymore over him. It was years ago. I know for a fact that I'm over it.
"Hey." Katsuki murmured, a hand coming up to press against his cheek. "Hey, Deku. I'm here. S'okay."
"I know, I-I know, it's fine now, but I just... god, I let that mess me up." He shuddered. "I started shutting everyone else out. Isolated myself big time. Didn't want help, didn't think I needed help, but when I rescued you, it just..."
What am I saying, what am I...
"You... y-you gave me hope, Kacchan. Honest to god, you gave me hope. I don't know what the hell it was you saw in me back there, but when you said that you wanted to be by me, it..."
His boyfriend's thumb smeared wet tears from his eyes, never leaving, never failing.
"You made me feel like I was worth something back then. Like I wasn't broken. A-And now, I know that I don't need you in my life to feel like that, 'cause therapy, reconciling with my friends, meds, and just general better life choices have been helping me more than you could ever know, but it's... you were the light of my life. Then, and now. F-For different reasons, but..."
I'm sorry, I'm sorry for saying all this, I—
"I think I get it." Katsuki murmured, so much more serious, so much more gentle than Izuku had ever heard him. "And I think that I'm kinda... kinda the same. 'Cause back when you saved me, you were my hero. My idol. And I guess, for a while, I... kinda forgot that there were so many other sides to you, too. I thought– and still think– that you were the most amazing hero, yeah?"
Oh, Kacchan...
"You didn't make me feel weak for not being able to escape on my own then. And now that I know you, I still think I love you. Not 'cause you're some front-page, big-name hero. But because you..." He hesitated, and Izuku could've cried again at the wobbly smile that came over his cheeks. "Because you... you make me feel at home."
Moonlight merged with firelight, and in the small space that they'd made in the comfort of the camping ground, Izuku was safe.
"I– I-I know that we've had something going on." Katsuki continued, hushed but far more certain than he'd been for months. "I know that things have been kinda weird. And I know what I said back when we argued, and that I still hold my claims, but I... I still love you. A-And it's 'cause of that, 'cause I love you, 'cause I wanna be able to be with you that I said it."
Yes, god, same here...
"I don't wanna be a burden as a hero, or to myself, or to you, and so... that's, I think, why it feels so weird when you were constantly trying to check up on me. It made me feel like I wasn't capable of handling myself, and yeah. I fucked up a little when I was attacked. I know that much. B-But when you immediately started implying that I couldn't take care of myself well enough, you, the person I'd always thought never saw me as weak, it... it hurt. A lot."
Kacchan, I...
"After all, h-how am I supposed to be your hero partner if you don't trust me to defend myself? If I feel like I keep having to work to prove my own worth every step of the way?" He paused to wipe his face, trying to stay composed. "I– I wanna be a great hero. The best hero. And just 'cause you're my boyfriend, just 'cause I'm younger than you, just 'cause I'm less experienced than you doesn't mean I can't pull my own weight...!"
Izuku swallowed.
I think I get it. For real.
"Back then– I think, after you were attacked, it reminded me of the first time I met you." He bit out, but for some strange reason, it was as if he could finally put words to the tumultuous thoughts that had been rampaging in his head for months. "I wanted– needed– to save you. I couldn't see you as a hero right then."
Katsuki nodded, and for the first time in so long, it felt simple to just speak.
"And that... that was my fault. I know I messed up. I should've tried to be more understanding of your situation, especially because your own mentors had resolved things with you easily enough...!" He hugged his chest, just trying to breathe, breathe. "But god, I was scared. I was so, so scared. I want to see you safe, because you mean the world to me, but I... I know I can learn to figure out when the right times to do it are. I'm going to learn to trust you on your own, to not let my emotions get the better of me, 'cause I wanna see you by my side on the field, too!"
"I know. I-I know you do." Katsuki nodded, and Izuku could've sworn he was on the verge of tears with him. "I get it. I see it. I should've tried to see why you were so worked up before yelling back, a-and I'm sorry for not letting you in as much as I should've, and for just ignoring this shit, and for not saying anything before it got so bad...!"
"It's okay. It's okay, Kacchan." Izuku assured him, pulling Katsuki in close, so close. "I should've done something too. S-Shouldn't have pretended that just focusing on the physical stuff would make things better. I don't wanna build this relationship on that, don't want it to be something like I had with Kirishima, 'cause Kacchan, you—"
Kacchan– Katsuki, you—
"Y-You mean too much to me for that. I'm not gonna let all of this fall apart because of one argument."
"Same here." Katsuki whispered as small, starlit crystals swam in his eyes. "I really, really, really think I love you, Deku. And I wanna work through this shit together with you. I don't– no, I'm not gonna run anymore. That's a promise."
"Is it okay if I say that back?" Izuku asked, and when Katsuki nodded, nearly cried again. "I-I... I love you. So much. We'll make this work, as long as you want it to."
That's a promise.
"You haven't given me a reason to want to end it yet." His boyfriend curled closer against him, breath warm against his face. "I love you."
"I love you."
"Are we really gonna be the couple that does this?"
"If... if that's alright? Can we?"
He could practically feel Katsuki's eyeroll. "If it makes you happy, sure." A pause, and then– "But I love you more."
"Little shit."
"You like that about me, don't you?"
"Hm, maybe a little."
The small bit of teasing died down as soon as it started, though, and for as dark as it now was outside with only the stars and the fire for company, Izuku was warm.
"I... I'm really glad we could do this, Kacchan." Quiet, soft. "Thank you for talking to me. And maybe, ah... maybe what happens on the camping trip doesn't just have to stay at the camping trip after all?"
"God, I'd hope not." Katsuki snorted. "Wouldn't wanna go through that conversation again."
"Which part? The secrets, or the—"
"You know what part I'm talking about!" He exclaimed. "But I mean, um... if you're talking taking things back home... if you seriously are considering getting a tongue piercing, I'd be... y-yeah, I'd be totally on board with that."
"I may be able to work something out." Izuku kissed him on the cheek. "Your birthday's not too far off, right? April twentieth?"
"Mm. Yeah. Just gotta finish out this last semester's exams, then by my birthday, it'll be third year. S'kinda crazy."
"What's crazy is how much you've grown." He praised. "Your skills have improved so much just over the course of this past year, and—" Something bubbled up in his heart, refreshed and revived. "I'm excited to see how my soon-to-be hero partner does in all the years to come."
"Cheesy."
"Oh, shut up." Izuku grumbled. "Let me be cheesy. You're not much better."
"Never said you couldn't be. I was just stating the facts." Katsuki snuggled up closer to him, head tucked beneath Izuku's chin. "And y'know, maybe I don't wanna do a whole lot of growing. Maybe I like being shorter than you."
"You know I didn't mean that kind of growing!"
"I know, I know. Just messin' with you."
"Mm, well you know what I know?" His voice dropped to a low, intimate rumble. "I know I wanna see you fuck yourself with that Valiant dildo of yours. And maybe I wanna use it on you a little, too. See how it sizes up to me."
Some sort of choked, muffled sound was coughed against his jacket, and with a small smirk, Izuku held him tighter. "Like the thought of that, hm?"
"W-Well, it's not bad, but shit. You are not allowed to go giving me a hard on right now, 'cause like hell am I gonna whip my dick out in forty-five degree weather any longer than I need to. Just pissing was bad enough!"
"Alright, alright." Izuku consented, almost unable to contain the giddy smile on his face. "Sometime after we get back, then?"
"Y-Yeah. Sometime after. That works."
Quiet again, but a comfortable quiet. With Katsuki nestled in his arms, and nothing else to disturb them aside from the sounds of the forest, he wasn't sure if there'd ever been a time he'd felt more at peace.
"...still want me to make some s'mores, Kacchan?"
"In a bit, just a bit... s'nice here."
God, I love him.
"M'kay. Sounds good."
It... yeah, it really is nice here, with just the two of us.
The world outside was harsh, windy, and dangerous– and while they'd push through those barriers when they came, for now, if only for a little while—
Katsuki sneezed against his coat, and he couldn't help the oddly warm squeeze of his chest when he realized how cute he was with his nose scrunched up like that.
Just for now, this is perfect.