I fucked up.
He wasn't sure if he wanted to shout, scream, yell—
I fucked up.
—cry, beg, plead—
I fucked up.
—stand, run, drag him back—
I...
—or sit there, eyes frozen on the door, unsaid words still on his lips while those same words stood to crumble to dust in his throat.
Katsuki had left. There wasn't anything else to say.
Not for good. He said that he didn't want to end anything. He– he said he'd text. He's not gone. He's not...
The horrible, horrible sound of the slamming door had branded itself in his memory, and for as much as Izuku wanted to convince himself that everything was fine, that everything would get better, that they'd get through this first barrier and be okay again, it was...
It was hard. Harder than he could've ever imagined.
Did it ever hurt this much with Kirishima? We didn't fight that much, not really, but then again, that was...
Izuku swallowed.
We were only ever friends with benefits. Nothing more. No matter how much I might've loved him, that wasn't... was never, really... the same.
A part of him still couldn't believe that Katsuki had honestly thought those things, said those things about him. Maybe it had been in a fit of anger that those wild accusations had been thrown—the suggestion that he'd only seen Katsuki for his physical traits and only kept him around for his body, and the dismissal of Izuku's respect for his abilities—but god, it hurt.
Does he really think I think about him like that? Does he honestly think that I don't care? That I just want him around as someone to make out with and sleep in my bed?
Nausea coiled in his stomach, and Izuku pulled his legs to his chest, wondering why everything had gone so horribly, horribly wrong.
Why... why...? We... we made it through months apart... made it through so many training sessions and time constraints... made it through too much damn pining, but... after everything so far, he can't understand how much more I see him as? How much he means to me? How much I just wanna see him safe and happy and alive, for fuck's sake?
Angry tears pearled in his eyes, and Izuku couldn't hold back the string of curses that'd been just barely dammed back by trembling lips.
Dammit, Kacchan! Why? Why!?
A part of him knew he should move. Get up. Do something. But just as strong was the urge to stay, sit, and watch the door that wouldn't open again. He wanted so bad to just believe that Katsuki would come back, all smiles and sunshine and the willingness to accept help and simple security.
But it won't be that easy, will it? Kacchan's not the type to go back on his words... I doubt he'd just come rushing back in. That's stupid to expect.
He wasn't exactly sure when he managed to peel himself off of the couch, all stiff legs and stiff knees, and wander into the kitchen. Not that he was hungry, no. Really, it was just a matter of what the hell do I do now.
Should I call someone? Tell someone about this? Text Kacchan? No, no, that last one's probably a bad idea... even so, though, I just...
Izuku pulled his phone from his pocket, scrolled through he and Katsuki's messages, but didn't see anything that was inherently an issue. What was the problem with asking how are you? What was the issue with an is everything okay? He was a hero, and being a hero meant everyone's well-being came first, including Katsuki's– his boyfriend's.
Why is it so wrong to want to keep you safe...?
When he looked down at his phone again, though, he saw someone different on it. Not Katsuki, not Ochako, but...
...should I call Kirishima?
There was no denying he was nervous, but at this point, nothing could be worse than the guilt and confusion and fear tearing every bit of him apart. It wasn't as if it was hard to open up his contacts to call, but as the phone rang, rang, rang, he couldn't help but feel sick to his stomach.
Thankfully, it was his friend who spoke first.
"Hey, what's up?" Kirishima greeted. "You said you were taking the afternoon off, right? Is Bakugou over there too?"
...wonderful. Off to a great start already.
"Well, uh—"
"Whoah, whoah. Are you sick? You sound awful, dude. Need me to bring you some—"
"No, I'm not... sick." Izuku sunk into a barstool, elbow on the counter and forehead in his palm. "Just, um... Kacchan was here, but..."
"But?"
Izuku bit his lip, fingers curling into his hair. "He walked out. We talked for a few minutes– well, if shouting counts as talking, anyways... and I just... I—"
"Wait wait, hold up. You guys had a fight?"
"I mean, if we're gonna put a name to it, sure! I guess– I guess that's what that was, right!?"
Don't cry. Not now. Not...
"He just– he came over, I was just gonna fill him in on the stuff with that villain, and I– I said that I didn't wanna see him get killed, and he just started getting angry? Like, what are you trying to tell me? I'm not about to just let you be in danger if I can avoid it, and I just– I-I dunno, he said some stuff that really hurt, and I... I don't..."
And, yep. There were the tears.
"You know I care about him, right!? I don't just– don't just see him as some goddamn bedwarmer! I don't know what I did wrong, and he– he didn't give me a chance to explain...!"
He was rambling, rambling, words streaked with tears and blurring into each other faster than Izuku could bother to seperate them. At this point, it'd be a miracle if Kirishima understood a single sentence, but with the chaos ringing through his head and his voice, clarity was never an option.
"Hey, hey, Midoriya. Take your time. Get it out. I'm on break for a little bit right now, so... we can talk a little, okay?"
"I just don't even know what there is to talk about...! I didn't think there was anything wrong until he– until h-he started arguing back with me about his own damn safety!" Izuku's voice broke off into a choked sob. "I don't know what I did wrong, and I... I-I... I don't get it, I don't..."
What did I say that was wrong? What did I do that was wrong?
The phone nearly slipped out of his hands and clattered on the bar counter as Izuku kept crying, crying, wracking his brain for wherever the missing answer was.
What he did know, though, was that Kirishima was a saint for listening to his sob-fest and only providing the occasional let it out, it's okay while Izuku wept and wept. He wasn't sure how long he spent in incoherency, nor how Kirishima managed to endure his constant noise. That wasn't to say he was ungrateful– so much the opposite, but shit.
Thank... thank you.
"...hey, Midoriya, do you need me to come over? Is just talking going to be enough?"
Izuku swallowed and shook his head, forgetting that Kirishima couldn't see. "N-No, no... this is fine. Promise. I... I-I just don't even know what to do...!"
Kacchan doesn't... he doesn't...
"H-He doesn't hate me, does he?"
"Whoah, whoah, slow down. Breathe. Let's take this one step at a time, okay?" Kirishima said, and for that moment, if nothing else, Izuku's words were put on hold. "You're not gonna make things better by making assumptions like that. Let's stick to the facts, okay?"
Silence.
"Okay?"
Listen. Listen. Don't go... making assumptions.
"...okay."
It was quiet for a moment as Kirishima seemed to readjust himself on the other end, Izuku clenching and unclenching his fists slowly, slowly...
"Alright. Take your time, but let's start at the top, okay? You said he came over, you guys talked for a few minutes about the attack, then he walked out. How was he feeling when he came by?"
How he was feeling...?
"...tired." His free hand found its way to the countertop, tracing mindless patterns over the smooth surface. "Still in pain. Even if he won't admit how much he's hurting. I... I know even just coming out here had to be one of the hardest things, physically, that he's done in a few days."
Seeing Katsuki in the hospital had been hard enough, but none of those visits had ever been easy. Just thinking about that first villain attack at his debut, or the training session that wound up with his boyfriend in the infirmary due to Izuku's own actions were hard enough to stomach, but seeing Katsuki injured as a result of him again?
I... I just want to see him happy, that's all, so please...
"I don't think he's the type to lie. The pain might've amplified things, or let down some barriers he'd forced up before. So we've gotta take his words into account, okay? It sounds to me like you were letting your feelings come first."
"I mean, maybe I was, but it's like... I mean, you know, right...? I... I've never really had like, a fight-fight, just..."
Whatever... us two had back then.
Kirishima was quiet for a moment, almost as if he could feel the weight Izuku was carrying. "We... that was always no-strings-attached, though, and it wasn't– well, you know we weren't—"
"I know, I-I know. I'm the one who let my damn feelings get in the way then, too." Izuku sighed. "I just... don't wanna ruin another relationship."
"Midoriya, you didn't ruin—"
"You don't have to tell me that my unnecessary feelings weren't what strained our– our friendship." He mumbled, that last word still so awkward on his tongue. "It was never anything more than friends with benefits, you're right, but... i-if I hadn't gotten so attached, then I wouldn't... well, I probably would've kept in better contact with you after third year instead of trying to cut ties to force my feelings away."
But Kirishima only went quiet, and Izuku could practically picture the small, tired, slightly sad smile on his face.
"Look. What's done is done. We're past that, and things are better now. And we're not talking about what we were, yeah? We're talking about you and Bakugou."
Right, right, it's been... god, over two years since then. I can't live in the past again. I won't let myself be bogged down with everything that could've been.
"You're right, you're right." For as much as it hurt, he had to force himself to stay focused on the situation. "I guess the main part was that he seemed really hurt when I mentioned that he was the weak point in my life? Like, you know, in terms of hero work and all that, but it wasn't... well, I meant weak as in vulnerable, but it just... god, I dunno. He's a student, it's not like it's unreasonable to insinuate that he needs more protection, but he just got really offended, I think? God, I... I just want to keep him safe, so that he can grow into the role of a hero without being killed first...!"
Hospitals and bruises flashed to the forefront of his mind yet again, and for as much as he tried to suppress the feelings and stick to the logic, everything kept turning itself over and over and over again in his head.
Why is he so against me wanting to keep him safe? How does that imply that he's weak? I've seen him fight, he's not—
"Hey. Midoriya. I can hear you thinking. Relax, okay? I see what you're saying. And I've got some thoughts, but I need you to calm down a bit before we can talk."
Calm down. Calm down. Right. Right. What did they say in therapy?
Izuku made himself swallow, throat still dry, and breathe.
In, out, in, out, in...
"I... yeah." He exhaled, nodding. "I'm here. I'm, ah... listening."
"Alright, then. Wanna hear what I think?"
"...mhm. Please."
He'd be lying if he said he wasn't a little nervous, but...
I need help. I don't know what to do.
"So." Kirishima paused, and– "Am I wrong in saying that he ran off because he thought you were being overprotective?"
Overprotective? "I mean, I didn't think this was anything more than a normal level of protectiveness—"
"I asked you what he thought, not what you think." His friend pushed. "And if nothing else, I kinda see why he left now."
...wait, did I... "Did I really screw up?"
"It's, um... by the sound of it, it doesn't seem like you've been listening to what Bakugou was saying a whole lot." Kirishima hesitated. "And hey, dude, don't take this the wrong way, but you're not exactly... the best at hearing out to other people's views and taking advice. In all the years I've known you, I've come to realize that you're definitely the type of person who, uh, thinks they're usually right. Asserting yourself isn't necessarily a bad thing, but you get kinda, well... stubborn."
Izuku's throat went dry. "N-No, I'm not—"
"Right there. Listen to yourself. You're doing it again, not hearing what you're saying, much less what I'm saying." There might've been a bit of a groan from the other end. "I know you care about him. I know you just wanna see him be safe. And he will be, I promise. But dude, you can't treat him like he's incompetent. He's a student, yeah, but he's a student in U.A.'s Hero Course. He's not an idiot."
"Oh my god, I never said that he was an idiot! Why– why are both you and him saying that..."
...that I honestly don't think he can protect himself.
"Midoriya... he's interning under me. I've seen him get texts and calls from you enough times lately to see that he's getting frustrated. Even if he hasn't said anything about getting annoyed to me, it's easy to tell that he's not super happy about it. I mean, he obviously likes talking to you, I think it's more just the constant, kinda... patronizing treatment that he's not happy about."
A part of Izuku felt like he was getting scolded too, but he held back those feelings, getting the sense that now would not be the best time to express it.
"We went through that same course, yeah? When you were a second year, would you have wanted someone constantly harping on you to stay safe at every turn?"
"W-Well, no..."
"Exactly." Kirishima emphasized. "And this probably would be best to keep it between us, but... Bakugou's got a lot of pride. Maybe too much, yeah, but he's just trying to prove himself. He wants to win on his own merits. He's hardly different from the way you were, Mr. I-Don't-Ever-Need-Help. I won't deny that he needs some amount of protection, and that he needs to learn to chill with his pride a bit, but you gotta understand that keeping your eyes on him so much is gonna make him upset. And if there's anything that I've figured out from dating Ochako, it's that you gotta communicate. Listen. Compromise."
Win on... his own merits?
When Izuku stayed silent, some subtle realization working its way into his skin, Kirishima continued.
"... he's your boyfriend, y'know. And I know he wouldn't choose to be with someone he doesn't trust."
I... I thought I trusted him, but... was that more superficial than I thought? I mean, of course I trust that I can be myself with him, but I hadn't really considered that he might... not want to be taken care of on the field.
Izuku's feet knocked against the side of the counter, discomfort and uncertainty tingling through his veins as he came closer, closer to something it seemed he was missing. "Is it really so wrong to want the people I care about to be safe and happy, though...?"
This is just... weird to think about. I never wanted to damage his pride, but is wanting to protect him really that bad?
"There's nothing wrong with wanting that, not at all!" Kirishima's words came out in a rush. "What I'm saying is that you're watching him, uh, kinda like a parent would watch a child. I know, I know, probably not the comparison you wanna hear, but... that's the vibe I'm getting."
Nails dug into palms, free hand clenched tight on the counter. "I've never thought of him like a child just cause he's younger, he's just... you know, inexperienced! And seeing recklessness freaks me out cause hell, I've been there too!"
"But think about this, 'kay? If you're not trying to keep him safe all the time, he probably wouldn't feel like he'd have to prove himself as badly to be 'good enough'."
Wait...
"...you really think that's how he's feeling?"
Does he really think he's not good enough to... to be with me? Next to me?
Izuku froze.
When I rescued him. When he tied in the sports festival and I was gone. When I didn't see him perform in the exams. When I didn't show up to help him train during my accident– Ochako told me he'd done really well then. When I beat him in the damn games at the cultural festival, and the amusement park.
And... when I caught the villain that could've killed him, too.
"I don't wanna go making assumptions, but I'd say there's a pretty good shot it is. And hey, It's not an awful thing to have fights, y'know? It happens, and you just gotta work through it. Me and Ochako have always come out for the better, but... it's a thing. Not an awesome one, but it is a thing."
Does he... shit, has he ever really...
It would be a total lie if he said he felt better. That said, it would be a little closer to the truth if he admitted hearing that was reassuring.
Is this really because he doesn't feel like he's won in front of me...?
"I guess I'll just, uh... wait for him to contact me again, then." Izuku mumbled, some bit of misery welling up in his stomach. "I'll... try and think on all that. What you said."
"And what he said?"
"...and what he said."
The noise on the other end had to be relief. "Alright. Sounds good. Anything else you need to talk about?"
"I, uh, think I'll be okay for now." Izuku sucked in a breath. "Thanks for putting up with all this. I... I really appreciate it."
"It's no problem, dude. You're a friend who needed an ear, and I had some time to give. So don't worry, 'kay?"
"...'kay."
"I'm gonna get going. But seriously, call or text if you need anything. I'm not far away."
"I'll keep that in mind. Yeah."
There was a long, weighty pause before the line finally went dead with a mutual goodbye. Izuku checked his phone once more for texts– but still, nothing.
Kacchan will contact me when he wants to, I guess... and I... well, he needs space. I think.
He forced himself to shove his phone back in his pocket, and stood up with one look back at the door.
I care about him, and... he cares about me. We'll figure this out.
In the windowsill, under too-bright, blazing summer light, familiar orange petals had started to shrivel.
...right?
———————
Katsuki froze two steps down the hall.
Don't look back. Don't go back. Don't talk to him yet...!
A part of him wasn't sure what hurt worse– the thought of staying and listening to Deku whine about how he needed to be protected, the nauseating feeling of walking away from the one person who usually made him happy, or the horrible soreness gnawing at his arm, chest, and making each and every breath a vicious struggle.
Crying– crying won't help. S'only gonna make this shit harder. I gotta– shit, even if it hurts, I have to keep moving...!
That wasn't to say there weren't tears in his eyes by the time he made it down the stairs, though.
I... I don't wanna see him right now. Don't wanna talk to him right now. He'll just go back to that stupid, stupid, condescending bullshit, and...
Katsuki wiped his face with his sleeve, pulled the hood over his head, and zipped up the jacket with still-shaky hands before leaving the complex.
I can't just sit by and let him call me weak. I can't be someone who has to be constantly protected...! Fuck, if... if Uravity, Red Riot, my parents, even Yaoyorozu see that I'm not doing that bad, then where the hell is he getting this shit from if not his own stupid fucking perceptions!?
To say he was upset was an understatement. For all intents and purposes, Katsuki couldn't even remember the last time he'd been so completely and utterly pissed.
If nothing else, the walk to the train wasn't nearly as hard as the one down the stairs. The tricky part was staying quiet– despite Katsuki's usual composure when he wanted to keep it, frustration and simple pain were nearly enough to wrench a muffled hiss or two from his lips. He kept a low profile on the ride back, didn't meet anyone's eyes, and walked back to the dorms without any major issues.
But it was only when he arrived at the school gates that Katsuki realized that his friends would probably ask him why he was back early. Why he looked upset. Why he also looked as if he was about to punch someone in the face.
And really, Katsuki wasn't sure he had an answer he was willing to give.
Yeah, I got in a fight with my boyfriend. The guy I've been pining over for years. Don't know how to fix shit. We've only been dating for a month.
He couldn't remember the last time he felt so sick.
I... really... I really do...
It was all he could do to shove the rampaging thoughts away and walk, walk back under the blazing afternoon sun and to the front steps of his dorm, sweat nasty under his clothes and heart heavy with the day's events.
...I know I love...
Katsuki grit his teeth, opened the door, and hoped he'd be able to make it to his room before anyone saw him so he could cry in peace.
...god, I just want to hug him. I just want things to be okay. I don't want him assuming I can't handle myself. I want him, but I don't want him watching over me like– like that.
He made it across the common room and all the way to the stairs.
I'm not made of glass, dammit...!
"...Bakugou?"
Katsuki didn't look up. Didn't wanna look towards the source of Todoroki's familiar voice.
"I thought you weren't going to be available toni—"
"Never said I was, did I!?" He snapped, whatever impact the words might've had lost in the cracked delivery. "Not in the fucking mood, asshole. Get lost."
Each scathing demand was a brittle shield, cracking and shattering at the edges. Katsuki would've run up the stairs if he could've– the only thing stopping him, really, was the agonizing pain and the fact that he wasn't sure if he'd make it four flights running and still be breathing.
"I thought you were out with Valiant?"
"Shut up, okay!?" He shoved Todoroki out of the way, trying to scramble at least a few steps up past him. "I thought I said I wasn't in the mood!"
He should've known better than to think that that would deescalate the situation, but Katsuki had been holding back the screaming and the shouting for too long already.
"...I'm going to go get Camie." Todoroki said, and if Katsuki hadn't been consumed by all the emotion flooding through him already, he'd have attempted to stop him. "Even for you, this isn't... normal."
"I don't want to talk to you or her!" He hissed, climbing further away. "Just leave me the hell alone, alright!?"
Katsuki turned, ignoring the tears beading at his eyes and the violent trembling of his lip, and nearly ran right into the person he very much didn't want to see.
"...holy shit, Baku."
No, no—
"What– what's going on?"
He couldn't stop his eyes from flitting up to meeting Camie's in time, and just that one look– that one look– was enough to break something in him.
...it's gonna be my room or hers, isn't it?
"I-I..." Katsuki faltered, shocked by how weak just that one word felt. "S-Shit... uh, could we go somewhere more private...?"
Even though he didn't expect to be turned down, the urgency in which Camie nodded and ushered him to her room left him in near disbelief. Before he knew it, Katsuki found himself sitting on Camie's bed, a blanket thrown at him and a pillow shoved to his chest.
But she sat down in a chair across from him, Todoroki beside her, and went quiet. All that Katsuki could see was worry in her eyes and a slight frown over her lips, not moving and yet so ready to listen.
She... what should I even...
The blanket was warm around him. Comforting. A blessing and a curse, really, because as soon as the word safe popped into his head did Deku come blasting to the forefront of his mind again, arms draped around Katsuki while telling him all about how much he cared for Kacchan's safety. Acid disgust foamed in his gut, and nothing but bitterness fumed within him as he yanked off the blanket and shoved it away.
Don't– don't touch me. I don't need to be protected, dammit...!
Just that movement must've been Camie's first cue, though, because her eyes widened, slightly nervous now. She opened her mouth to speak, but before she could say a word—
"I– I'm fine." Katsuki grit out, trying to hold back the frustrated tears in his eyes as his hands dug into the pillow in his lap. "Just fine. Chest 'n shoulder hurt. That's it."
But each word was forced out, hollow and far weaker than he ever imagined they could be.
"...not gonna make you talk if you really don't want to, but. I know that's not the whole truth." Camie murmured, and glanced over her shoulder. "Hey, Todo. Get him some water."
"I don't want—"
"Crying makes you dehydrated, right?" Camie pushed. "I know you care about your health. Don't be stupid about something small like this, okay?"
He bit back a retort, unable to really find a reason to fight that logic. "...fine."
Todoroki left the room, and as soon as the door clicked shut, he felt much, much smaller than before. Katsuki wasn't sure what name to put to his feelings– it had all blurred and blended together to create some concoction of frustration, anger, sadness.
I don't want this. I just wanna be with him and be happy with everything again...! But shit, I can't... fuck, I... I feel like I'm gonna be sick.
"Is– is there something wrong with not wanting to be protected all the time...?" Katsuki started, the air a little clearer with Todoroki gone. "That's not weird, right? To just– w-wanna take care of myself?"
How is that bad? How is it wrong to want to live for myself? To be able to have people have faith that I can do things on my own...?
"No, I... I'd say that's normal." Camie frowned. "Is this because of the attack?"
Is it? "Uh... kinda, I guess." He swallowed. "It... well, it was more the trigger than anything, I guess I'd just ignored it before, but... Deku, he just..."
It's just Camie. It's just Camie. She... she's not gonna judge, right?
"The way h-he's been treating me, it just... feels like he doesn't see me as a hero. Doesn't take me seriously when I saw I wanna be his partner on the field. Feels like I'm just some– some thing to be shoved behind a glass case and looked at. Shit, I'm n-not just a fucking boyfriend! I can handle myself too, y'know!? Just cause I made one mistake doesn't mean I'm incompetent, right? Right!?"
"Wait wait, he said you're inco—"
"Not exactly like that, b-but it's like, shit, it just..." Katsuki's mouth was dry. "Implications, you know? Said he didn't think I could handle shit on m-my own, keeps asking me about my goddamn safety every day, a-and just– it just– I trust him, fuck, I love him, so why... why doesn't it feel like he t-trusts me at all for what I'm going to school for? The same damn school that he went to!"
Is it cause I can't ever seem to win when he's around? Is that why, huh?
"It just– f-feels like I'm a goddamn failure every time I'm trying to do what's gonna be my job, and he just wants to shove me away on the sidelines to watch! I– I-I'm gonna be a hero, yeah? So why, why the h-hell doesn't he seem to see me as more than someone to sit on his lap and make out with him!?"
Katsuki hadn't even heard the door open again through the mess of tears streaking down his cheeks and into the pillow he'd buried his face in. It was embarrassing, embarrassing, so damn embarrassing to think that something as simple as this had him in so much distress.
Everything hurts... god, why the hell does everything hurt...?
He couldn't hear the sounds of Todoroki and Camie talking as the static in his ears drowned out everything around him, couldn't do anything as the horrible pressure threatening to burst through his skull kept getting worse, worse, worse.
Please stop, please stop, just stop...!
This wasn't losing against a villain. This wasn't failing a test. This was...
I love him. I'm learning to love him. I trust him so, so damn much, but...
Doubt was the only word that came to mind.
He doubts that I can handle myself properly. He doubts that I'll be able to be more than just a boyfriend to him! Hell, he doesn't even seem to trust me enough to go any further than making out with him!
"...think they... fight... get Momo, she'll... yeah, yeah, I'm staying..."
I don't want you to think about me like that.
"Is he..."
I don't wanna fight.
"Yeah... food, tissues, painkillers..."
I just wanna know that you see me as an equal, dammit...!
It could've been seconds that passed. Minutes. Hours. He didn't know, didn't care, couldn't do much of anything except cry in a way that he didn't know was physically possible.
Katsuki wasn't sure he'd ever hated a feeling so much in his life.
By the time he managed to calm down a little bit, he finally noticed not just one, or two, but three people in the room. All three of his closest friends, staring right at him.
Oddly enough, though, there was something comforting about it.
They don't... see me as weak.
Yaoyorozu was the first to talk.
"Katsuki... did, ah... did you and Midoriya fight?"
He wasn't sure when she'd started using his first name– probably during the attack, but it didn't matter if it was coming from her, really. All he could manage was a nod in response, though, just the word fight making him feel sicker than expected.
A glass of water was held out in front of his face, and somehow, he managed to take it. For his own sanity, he tried to ignore how much it was shaking– recognizing how bad it was would only make things worse.
"Did you leave?" Todoroki asked.
Another nod.
And lastly, Camie. "...you guys didn't like, break up, did you?"
I'm not ending this shit. This– whatever we have.
He shook his head.
I'm just going home.
"Gotcha, gotcha..."
Katsuki brought the cup to his lips and drank slowly, slowly, water splashing up from the sides of it and trickling down his chin. It was messy, but for once, he could hardly find the motivation to care.
"Do you wanna talk about what happened...?" Yaoyorozu continued, as if testing the waters. "It's alright if you don't. But, ah... did this have something to do with your injury?"
Thinking about the whole thing in a more practical sense helped, in a way.
"Just, y'know, went over. We... w-we talked a little bit 'bout the villain, I got more info, and... then it turned into..."
I didn't want you to be the bait...!
Katsuki's fingers tightened around the glass, and it took every bit of focus to not break it.
"...t-the reason I... that I... was attacked."
You– I mean, you realize how he found you, right? It wasn't an accident.
He grit his teeth.
I know it wasn't an accident. That doesn't mean I'm weak. Helpless.
Between fighting Deku in his head and fighting his own failures, there was no way he could've ever been expected to keep it together.
But you– you went off on your own, ignored your teammate's concerns, and tried to, what? Be your own hero? Put yourself in danger because you thought you could handle it on your own!?
Fresh tears swelled in the corners of his eyes.
You weren't there, asshole! You– you didn't see what happened! If Uravity, Red Riot, and my goddamn parents can see the situation for what it really was– a shitty-ass, bad-luck situation– then why the hell can't you!?
"Baku. Hey, Baku. Look at me, okay?"
Camie.
"It, uh... feels like you're spiralling again. You just gotta focus on the here and now, okay? Drink some more. I think you're kinda dehydrated."
Drink. Okay.
It was getting more and more mechanical, that motion. But he did as he was told, finding it easier to listen to those sorts of simple instructions than fight them. And yeah, maybe it did wind up clearing his head, if only a little.
"Sorry, sorry..." He swallowed, still dry despite having downed half the glass. "It... I dunno, he just... the villain attacked me cause... c-cause he saw me 'n Deku at the park, and the guy had been stalking Deku t-to get back at him, 'n thought I'd be a w-way in to achieve that, and..."
I'm scared. Kinda. Not of villains. Not of attacks. Just of...
"...Deku, he flipped out, cause this... it was the exact reason he didn't wanna go out. He's scared, and I-I mean, I get why, but he just... acted like I wouldn't be able to handle any of the consequences! And Yao.. Momo... knows that t-this attack was just shit luck, a-and I already feel shitty for dragging her into this, too...! If it'd been any other quirk, we... we'd have been fine, yeah?"
"...it, ah... likely would've gone a lot better, yes." Yaoyorozu nodded. "I see what Midoriya is saying, but I've seen your skills firsthand. You're certainly not incompetent."
Katsuki finished his water, more than a little relieved by the agreement. "Y-Yeah, and I mean... I'm still a student, but it feels like he doesn't have an ounce of trust that I'm gonna be okay. He's a pro, and going up against way worse shit on a daily basis, b-but it's not like I'm barking at him every second of the day to see that he's alright. I trust that he's gonna be okay. And if he's not, then y'know? It happens! Shit happens! That's– fuck, that's what we signed up for with this whole heroing thing...!"
"...I mean, you're not wrong." Todoroki said. "Heroing isn't the safest profession, and mistakes... they happen."
"Exactly. But what do I get instead? A lecture on how I'm not the one who should be putting myself in danger, when, last I checked, that's the whole damn job description!" He paused, catching his breath. "A-And, it's not like I don't want him to have my back, like, hell. I wanna be able to protect him in battle. I wanna be able to fight alongside him. But that– that's not the same as hovering over every step I take and making sure I'm safe and secure."
The small room fell silent, save for Katsuki's small, pained noises at every breath.
"Hey, Baku, um..." Camie began, hesitating. "I totally get what you're saying– like, really, I do, but... I feel like Midoriya means well? And, uh—" She stopped, just as Katsuki went to open his mouth. "Nope. I'm talking right now. You get your turn after."
What is she...
"As... as tough as it is for him, he's probably trying, y'know? He's been single for a while, right? And like, all he knows is hero work. Right now, this is probably just one of the ways he's trying to show he cares about you." She pursed her lips. "Look, when we were at the park, I... I could totally see it. It was kinda crazy, but I could like, feel the care you guys have for each other. It's something special, yeah?"
Katsuki swallowed.
"I... guess you're right. But I dunno, it's like... like he cares about my well-being more than he cares about, kinda... me as a person. And yeah, maybe that's just me. Whatever. But I can't– shit, I can't do this. I don't think I can stay with him if this is the kind of thing I have to look forward to. I can't do this if– i-if I constantly feel like I'm gonna be failing in front of him..."
"Hey. Look here. Don't be all down, okay?" Camie continued. "Sometimes you gotta, like, compromise. You know, talk it out with each other. Figure out what works and what doesn't. I think he wants the best for you, so let him know that the sort of thing he's doing right now doesn't have you at your best, m'kay?"
It... I dunno...
Katsuki forced a small, weak smile. "You make it sound so easy."
"Well, aren't you the one who never backs down from a challenge?"
...never backs down...
His chest hurt. His head hurt. His shoulders hurt, and his heart hurt. But some sort of nameless warmth wormed its way under his skin, and despite the beating he'd received over the last few days, physical and mental, Katsuki felt as if something new had opened up to him.
Huh.
"That's– yeah, that's me."
"Then this challenge is no different, right?" She pushed. "C'mon. I know you've got it in you, big guy."
He wasn't sure where he'd managed to find friends like this, but...
Shit.
"'Course I've got it in me." Katsuki said, with a bit more confidence that time. "I– I'm not gonna lose this. Him. I'll make sure that we get our shit together."
"That's what I like to hear." Camie grinned. "Get your mans. Work it out. Be the best couple out there, alright?" She paused. "Though, you'd be hard-pressed to surpass me 'n Momo. So aim for second place, yeah?"
"I'ma be the best, you shit. Just watch me!"
"Then prove it, babe! Show me what you got!"
Even though the mood had changed for the better, Katsuki was still nervous. Upset. Not quite sure how to word things in his own head, much less out loud to Deku.
But I'm not gonna lose him. Not like this.
It was around seven or so when Katsuki left Camie's room to go to his own, and soon enough, he found himself thinking again.
We were supposed to be having dinner about now. Maybe cuddling on the couch. Maybe he'd be holding me, maybe I'd be lying in his lap, maybe he'd be kissing me and saying shit with that goddamn gorgeous voice of his.
Maybe... maybe we'd have been happy. If I'd just kept my mouth shut, then maybe, maybe, everything would've been...
For as simple as that sounded, though, Katsuki knew he really wouldn't be able to feel fine had that been the case.
But at the same time, I... don't wanna go to sleep without talking to him again.
Katsuki only brought out his phone just before passing out for the night, though, and despite the warning his trembling hands gave as he opened it up, seeing Deku's name in his message history hurt worse than expected. His boyfriend hadn't texted him at all– and with a bit of a gut-turn, Katsuki realized that he'd probably respected his wishes in doing that.
I said I'd text first.
Nervous fingers hit the keyboard, and somehow, the awkward start to their potential conversation came easier than expected.
[Katsuki] hey
[Katsuki] just wanted to say goodnight
There were no I miss yous or I wish I was there, but he wasn't there to show regret. That said, he'd expected an almost immediate response that didn't arrive.
...does he not wanna reply?
But several minutes later, just as he was about to give up, the little Deku is typing box flew up on the screen.
[Deku] shit
[Deku] wait no
[Deku] hi
[Deku] um
[Deku] i didnt think you were gonna contact me so soon so aha uh
[Deku] did you make it back to your dorm sa
[Deku] sfjlaf shit sorryingore that
[Deku] god i probably look stupid but
[Deku] well uh
[Deku] goodnight to you too, kacchan
He could practically hear the nervousness in every single word, hear the anxious tapping of Deku's fingers against the keyboard and see him sweating over his phone, trying to figure out what to say. What to not say.
[Katsuki] lol
[Katsuki] ill text u later
But, he had to force himself to stop just before the ily came out.
No more talking. Not right now.
[Deku] ah okay
[Deku] ill respond when i can
[Deku] and uh
[Deku] thank you, kacchan
Thank you.
Those two little words stuck with him as he shut off his phone, pulled the covers over his still-sore body, and finally, finally got to sleep.
———————
"Yeah, it's, ah– kinda in the back corner! Come through the door, I've got a black jacket on, and lemme know if you can't find me."
"Mhm, mhm. I'll be there in a sec."
Izuku swallowed, tried not to push it, and huddled back into the small seat. The back corner of the coffeehouse really was a decent spot– he'd talked to the owners a bit beforehand, told them he was going to be with a friend, and they'd guaranteed that any press attempting to enter would be shooed away, and that they wouldn't be given any special treatment.
Looking for normalcy here. Looking for normalcy.
"Left or right corner?"
"A-Ah, left!"
It'd been three weeks since their argument. Three weeks filled only with brief, awkward texts, short calls, and tiptoeing around the subject neither of them particularly wanted to discuss.
"Mm. I see you."
And now, for the first time in three weeks, Izuku was getting to see his boyfriend in person again. Katsuki hadn't wanted to meet at Izuku's apartment, and he'd complied, realizing that he probably had his reasons for the request. Between work and Katsuki's school schedule, though, finding any time had been tough to begin with. They'd originally wanted to go last week, but those plans fell through after Izuku had been called out on an emergency case that he couldn't afford to turn down.
But, anyways.
We're here now. Not the most ideal situation, but it's—
"Shit, almost didn't recognize you with that damn beanie on."
Katsuki slid into the seat across from him before Izuku could respond, decked out in an open white, gray-patterned button up, complete with a white undershirt, black shorts, and black shoes. Really, it was unfair how good he looked, how low that shirt collar dipped, because for as much as they had to resolve, all Izuku wanted to do was drag him home and kiss him till he knew how much he was loved.
But... that's part of the problem, isn't it...?
"It'd be harder to avoid attention if I wasn't covering up my hair." Izuku said, though his eyes remained fixed on Katsuki. "A-Anyways. Um. Shit."
Off to a great start, huh?
Katsuki squinted, confused. "Something wrong?"
"No, uh..." He hesitated, fumbling with his fingers. "Just– well, is it alright if I say that you look really hot right now?"
Something jumped in his stomach at the sight of a subtle red rising up over Katsuki's cheeks, and Izuku was reminded for the millionth time of just one of the many reasons he loved him.
"..'spose that's fine, yeah." Katsuki said, more than a little flushed. "You ain't too bad yourself."
Neither of the two knew where to start. Knew what was okay to say. Knew what to do.
This feels... different.
"Mind if I get you a drink?" His boyfriend offered, and though Izuku hated the thought of him spending money when he was the one with the disposable income, figured that right now, Katsuki might take that as part of the whole treating-him-like-a-child... thing.
So, he nodded. Smiled a small smile.
"Yeah, um. If you'd like to." He paused. "...maybe a mocha? With whipped cream?"
Katsuki grinned. "Whipped cream, huh?"
Oh, you little– "Really wanna start there, do you now?" Izuku's face burned. "Yes. God. It tastes good. Let me live, Kacchan."
"Alright, alright. If you say so."
It was a quick trip there and back, though. Katsuki set his drink down in front of him, got back in his seat, and started sipping on his own.
"Glad you were able to snag some time off." His boyfriend said, looking up from his cup. "Believe it or not, I have missed seeing you. In person. Y'know."
"I'm glad too, and..." His mouth went dry.
This is harder than I thought.
"I... w-well, you know... I'm really, really glad to see you again." Izuku admitted. "Can I say I missed you, too?"
Can I say I've been nervous as fuck? Can I say a part of me thought you wouldn't wanna talk to me again?
"You're so dramatic sometimes." Katsuki rolled his eyes. "Shit happens. We... we'll figure this out. 'Kay? Just gotta, y'know... talk some more. About stuff." He swallowed. "We're still... I mean, we're still together, right?"
No matter how much he wanted to, Izuku couldn't forget the look on his face just before he'd walked out, nor those last, bitter, frustrated words he'd said. But—
I'm not ending this shit. This– whatever we have.
"Y-Yeah, we're... still together." Izuku nodded. "I mean. As long as that's what you want. I want it. I just– shit, don't wanna make you feel like I'm– I love you so much, y-you know, a-and I..."
Am I really gonna cry right now? On our first damn date since that fight?
"I know." Katsuki cut him off. "I love you. I do. So don't go forgetting it, alright?"
His boyfriend stretched a hand out to him across the table, palm open and waiting.
"Alright?"
He's...
Izuku's hand found it's way into Katsuki's, fingers locking into his, and for the first time in weeks it felt like he could breathe again.
"...alright."
"Good." His boyfriend squeezed his hand tighter, and Izuku was nearly on the verge of tears just from that single, simple motion. "Promise we'll figure this stuff out?"
He's giving this a chance. A real, honest chance.
Whatever honeymoon phase they'd had was over.
"Yeah. I promise."
Now, they'd be doing this for real.
Just as Izuku pulled his hand away, though, his phone started blasting in his pocket again. He cursed under his breath, yanked it out to turn it back on silent (Izuku realized quickly enough that he'd forgotten to do so after his brief call with Katsuki), but stopped when he saw the caller ID.
...Jirou? She doesn't call my personal often. Huh...
"H-Hey, I'm really sorry, mind if I see what this is about real quick?" Izuku said, more than a little guilty when Katsuki nodded his approval. "Okay. Thanks. Won't be more than a minute."
The phone shot to his ear as soon as he accepted the call, and with a quiet sorry, s'gotta be quick, his friend began.
"Didn't mean to bother you if you're busy." Jirou said. "But I just wanted to let you know that I, ah... won a coupon at one of my gigs recently for a free overnight trip to this ryokan with a private onsen. It's about an hour's ride out, and the place is for couples, and, well, I figured it'd be easier to contact you than Uraraka or Kirishima right now. If you want it, it's yours, but if not, I'll try to get ahold of them soon. It's only valid in like, December, but if there's anyone you'd wanna go with, then..."
Izuku had stopped listening after the words free, private, and for couples.
"Um. Yeah. Just a moment."
He pulled the phone from his ear, covered the microphone, and stared straight at Katsuki with a growing, giddy smile on his face.
"...Kacchan, you wouldn't happen to have spare time over winter break, would you?"
"It's the middle of September right now, but I mean, yeah. I should." Katsuki said. "Something going on?"
After a quick yes please on the tickets, thank you so much, Izuku hung up and put his phone away.
"Well, it's only valid a few months from now, but I think I might be able to get something nice together. For us." Izuku grinned, feeling miles better than before.
This argument– this conflict– we'll get it all worked out. Not right away, probably, but...
Katsuki's eyes lit up. "Oh, really?"
We both want this to work.
"Yeah. Really." He paused. "I think I'll keep it a secret for a little bit, but, um... know that we'll have something to look forward to, I guess?"
A sort of light came over Katsuki's face, and a bit of hope settled in Izuku's chest along with it.
"...something to look forward too?" His boyfriend raised an eyebrow. "Hm. Well, I guess we'll have some time to talk before then, right?"
"Right. Yes. Absolutely." He paused. "Things will be different. We'll... I'll make sure of it on my end. I– shit, I-I don't wanna... god, I don't wanna let things get too far before we deal with them again. Not like this."
"Me neither." Katsuki nodded. "I... I won't apologize. Not for what I said. But I wanna learn."
I... yeah. Understandable.
"Same." He swallowed. "I have my reasons, just as much as you have yours, I'm sure. So I'll learn too."
This time, Izuku was the one to reach out his hand.
"For learning?"
The look on his boyfriend's face wasn't a smile, nor a frown, nor anything bitter or angry or upset. No– that was—
Katsuki put his hand in Izuku's, held it close.
"For learning."
It was a promise.
And we won't break it next time.