Parineet's POV
"Dil ne ye kaha hai dil se.." this song and his reaction! I was laughing like a mad person seeing a well read, calm and composed doctor like that. He was so conscious in front of me when his phone rang loudly in that silent environment. I gasped in horror and laughed. How could I have controlled my laugh. Dr Taran was trying his best to cut the call but the phone hanged. I just laughed so much that I almost went breathless and tears started forming in my eyes.
Tears of realisation that I am far away from words like laugh, smile and happiness. I don't know how, when and why it happened that today after so long, I giggled so much. My eyes glistened and I immediately turned my back to bhaiya and Dr Taran. They didn't notice because they were engaged in some conversation. I don't know for how long they talked, my eyes and brain were hazy, everything seemed to blur in front of me since tears took over and my mind went back to the memories of Neeti and Rajeev! I used to be happy back then. Neeti has always been the constant reason behind my smile while the latter became the reason why I don't smile anymore.
I tried. It's not that I gave up on myself. I tried harder. To overcome the grief. To move on in life. To close that gloomy chapter of my life for forever. But nothing worked. Nothing seems to help. I have become a robot. I don't own my emotions, my feelings nowadays. I smile when someone smiles, I cry when no one's watching me. I have stopped feeling anything for my sake. Parineet Kakkar is not any longer living.
These two months post my suicide attempt passed in a blur. I didn't know how I spent them. Initially I tried various methods to distract my mind from Rajeev and Neeti. It was not easy as it seemed from Dr Taran. He said I should do meditation, yoga or music. Music helped alot but I couldn't listen to music twenty four seven. Can I?
Time to time, Neeti made constant attempts to talk to me. Uncountable messages, calls, video calls - all unattended! I didn't pick up a single call but read all the messages she sent.
"Pari what has happened to us? Why are you ignoring me? I am very tensed please reply Pari. I can't handle this. Our friendship is most important thing to me than anything else in this world and you know that! Kya hua hai pari? Mujhse baat kar.."
How can I tell her what has happened? Because if I do, I can't tell what will happen to us, to her, to me. It's a reck! Her constant efforts of reaching out to me, did affect me so badly. I haven't slept soundly since ages. I don't remember when I last slept, smiled with all my heart, or even lived.
Life has become mechanical over the past three months. I don't tell bhaiya about my state because I can't worry him for me. Whenever he's around, or looks at me, I force a smile on my face for him. He has done alot for me and is still doing so much hardwork for me when I just sit ideally with tears in my eyes, crying behind the closed doors for someone who doesn't deserve my attention. When bhaiya asks about the bags and dark circles under my eyes, i just come up with an excuse but how longer he will believe me? He must have heard me cry through the walls. I don't sleep, I dont eat. The latter one has become a big issue in his life. Bhaiya keeps on asking why am I not eating and I just lie. in the last three months, i learnt nothing but mastered the art of lying by looking directly in the eyes of people. I have become good at hiding my state of mind and my emo-
No I don't feel anymore.
I very well understand that I should not cry over what happened in my past but these tears of mine, just don't get it. Every night, after following my daily routine of doing chores and each day when bhaiya leaves me alone at our house to go office, I am just overcome by grief. I don't know what am I grieving for. It's that bad. I just cry. Absurd questions, thoughts and feelings arise in my mind about Neeti and her husband.
I get bizarre hallucinations of them having their own gala time, Neeti having what I never ever could have thought of, them laughing at me when I know Neeti would never do that to me. I think about every moment I spent with that cheater despite of trying my very best to forget everything and leave him behind but it is not working. And when sometimes sleep takes over me, I dream of both of them cheating on me, mocking me, leaving me all alone. I get nightmares of me being stranded alone in crowds, of sounds and noises of strangers who only mock me. I feel like a corpse moving in and out of rooms, walking like a mannequin, who smiles when i am under someone's gaze, who fakes every emotion because I can't see Vicky bhaiya being sad because of me. It's a mess!
I hardly interact with people nowadays but it was amusing when I actually talked, gave reply instead of nodding or humming around. I talked with Dr Taran today though that's a different point that in his car, in the kitchen while making coffee, when he was talking to Vicky bhaiya, I was again zoned out. I got lost again. Rajeev has entrapped me in a vicious circle and I really don't think I'll ever come out of it.
I remember when Dr Taran said that whenever I feel unstable or unhealthy I can visit hospital but I didn't. I don't feel like. I'm not suicidal anymore. Even if I want to, I can't.
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"Parineet! Pari?" I went out to check if Vicky bhaiya needed something but he asked me to come inside and sit on the bed in front of him. I did what I was being said.
"Pari you lied to me?"
"I lied? About what?"
"That you are still depressed over him?" I was stunned. A shiver ran down my spine on listening him. How did he? "Actually it's not your fault, I failed to see you suffering when you are right here in front of my eyes."
"Bhaiya ─" i walked to him, as he looked betrayed. By me. By his own sister.
"I can't see you like this Pari you know that."
"Bhaiya? What are you talking about? What are you say.."
"I am not saying anything if I would have known all this before, I would have helped you. Thanks to Dr Taran -"
"He told you all this?"
"He's a doctor Parineet. He knows what we don't. He has treated patients like you and he wants you to get better."
"What do you mean bhaiya?"
"He has given me his friend's number and card. His friend is a psychiatrist and I want you to visit him."
"Bhaiya I am fine trust me."
"Yeah. I can see how fine you are. You spend sleepless nights, you cry, you have anxiety issues, you don't eat, you don't smile, you zone out! And you are absolutely fine." He yelled at me in frustration and a loud sob escaped my mouth. I should not have lied to him, suddenly I felt so small and regretful in front of him.
"I am so sorry bhaiya. I am so sorry. I didn't want you to worry. But -" i sobbed.
"Shh! Chup ho ja Pari. I can't see you crying. Stop crying over that idiot. You deserve better and you know that right?" Vicky bhaiya began patting my back and embraced me.
"I can't! This idea of medication and doctor.. it won't help. Neither I want to burden you bhaiya. I am so sorry!" I said retreating back, nodding my head in a constant no like a kid.
"You think I can't afford it? Do you really think that I am this much incapable that I can't help my sister in the time of crisis?"
"No bhaiya it's nothing like that.. esa nahi hai."
"To kesa hai Pari..! Honestly speaking I am tired of your lies and do you have the slightest of the idea, what I felt when I came to know about your mental well being from an outsider. I know he's a doctor but the things he told me were so evident. Like they were happening right in front of my eyes and I? I should have seen through you but I didn't. I failed!"
"No you didn't. Please don't say such things." I held his hand to assure that it's not the case.
"Whatever! Now I won't back off. You are going to the psychiatrist and that's final."
"But bhaiya ─"
"No ifs and buts. What I said is final. Take this card and book an appointment right away. Koi problem ho to Dr Taran vahi hospital mein hi honge. You can contact him." He said in a strict voice, i never heard him being so sure of anything like this before. I'm screwed.
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Taran's POV
I couldn't help but stare and observe her. Parineet was hiding so much. And by chatting with her brother, I guessed that he doesn't know anything about her situation and guess what I guessed it right. I told her brother whatever I observed. During all the stare game, I not only saw her beautiful round eyes but the dark circles beneath them, when her small waist was in my grip, I saw how thin she has grown with respect to last time. How all the time, even after so much of insistence by his brother, she refused to eat and have a coffee with us. I saw how much zoned out she was. Her expressions were stoic, similar to the day she committed suicide. Things have certainly become worse with time and she, despite of my suggestions, didn't take anyone's help. But I have given Mr Kakkar, Ayaan's card. I hopes she comes to have a check up tomorrow. I really do.
"Taran! Come have dinner." My mom called me with a stern voice. From last two months she's behaving weirdly with me. My mom is upset because I "broke up" with Shikha. I tried explaining to her but at one point, I also left doing that. She thinks I lost a good prospective bride for himself behind, and I don't know why she doesn't understand that we were not even boyfriend girlfriend, we were not dating and when I told her that, I am unable to see our future together, she did let me go without a word.
"Shikha I want to talk with you. Can you meet me tomorrow."
"Oh no Taran. I can't. I have a surgery lined up tomorrow. It's an IVF case."
"I understand ─ "
"You can say what you want to on phone too. I'm listening."
"Can we meet right now?"
"Is it that important?"
"I want to talk about us."
"Uhmm? Is there anything to discuss? I thought we were good."
"We are good as friends but.."
"But?"
"I ─ . Can't you meet me today. I can't break up with you on phone." I said in a go with closed eyes.
"Taran you just said what!!"
"Fuck i am so sorry. I want to meet you." I said when I realised I said it on phone.
"Don't curse."
"Sorry."
"So you want to breakup? But when did we start dating?"
"Haan?"
"Chill Taran I understand. And we were just seeing each other so it's okay. We will be friends right."
"Yea. But.."
"See. I know for what has happened, what has made you feel so, the entire reason behind all this is me. I don't interact, I seem rude, I just don't give that much effort and time so I knew. I was ready for all this in a way-"
"So you have no issues and what about uncle?"
"Ahhh! He would be full of wrath because I lost you - his heera - to be - damaad. But I'll handle him."
"You never felt anything for me?"
"I have no time for feelings atleast for now. And lemme ask you something Taran. Did you feel for me?"
"I -"
"See. We don't. So it's better to separate our ways as prospective proposals for each other. But Taran I really enjoy your company so we gonna be friends okay?"
"Yeah.. but Shikha I did feel for you. If not love, I surely liked you and was genuine each time I met you. I guess I failed to make you feel so."
"Taran I -" I disconnected the call that evening in rage. I always initiated moves from my side, be it a romantic conversation or a kiss or a peck but she was the one who backed out. Did she think that I kiss any random girl? I fucking saw her in that light. Though it's also right that I wasn't attached to her neither I felt bad. Maybe because I knew her too much, understood her too much. I don't know. But I was surprised with her that she only saw me as a friend only. Only?? We were supposed to meet as more than friends I thought. Maybe only I thought like that.
Though I am okay but I so want to scream and yell and shout this at the top of my voice in front of my mom, but I won't. Doctors don't do this. Also I have never misbehaved with my mom. Her coldness is frustrating me but I do understand where it is coming from.
I haven't seen any girl, didn't take any proposal seriously in these two months, and I couldn't help it because last months, I was really busy with hospital. The work load was insane, I didn't have the time to turn up home and show mom my face.
Sometimes I also get worried that my excitement of marriage is too much but will it work? It will. With more experience and time, I'll get more time for myself. Phew.
"Mom pass me dal please." I stuffed my mouth with last bite of dal rice.
"Here, take it. Did you meet Kanika?" I coughed at her question and she eyed me.
"I am so done with you. What will I say to Ms Ganotra now?" She yelled furiously leaving her dinner in between.
"First of all, Mom, don't stop eating. And secondly I met her. She wants to live separately with me post marriage and THAT IS NOT HAPPENING!" I said the last line, banging the table, the sound and my voice, both very loud. I got up from the table because the memories of Kanika asking me to leave mom, enrages me everytime I remember it. I can never imagine my life without mom. I can't leave her behind.
I was about to go when mom held my hand and looked at me. My eyes teared up on seeing her crying. I cupped her face and hugged her immediately. I can't see my mom crying for no fucking reason.
"Shh! Stop crying like a baby. I'm the smallest in the house not you. So only I can cry." I raked my hands through her hairs and she laughed in between her sobs and said "What you are saying is wrong. But we will come to that later."
"Taran I am so sorry. I know I was being rude to you but you know the reason. Don't you? Sometimes my over sensitive motherly nature makes both of us suffer. I just want you to get settled and I don't mind living alone as long as Kanika is a good girl and you are happy with her." Mom broke the hug and said looking at me sincerely.
"I can never be happy in a place where you don't exist mom. I know no world which doesn't have you. So please stop it!"
"Wish your dad was with us. Fir ye problem nhi hoti."
"Do you think I love you because dad is no more?"
"No ─"
"Mom. I love you and dad today as much as i loved you both since my childhood. Nothing has changed. I don't love you out of pity. I would never have left you and dad. And why should I? You guys are the best parents. I know you will love your daughter in law more than you love me."
"Thats for sure." She giggled and that was such a pretty sight I swear to God.
"Then there's no reason for Kanika to ask that. If she or any other girl wants me to be separated from you, I am better off alone."
"Don't say that. You will find your match. I have a good feeling." Mom hugged me and I placed a tender kiss on above her head. I felt home after so long.
"Now let's have dinner. Shall we?" I whispered smilingly and making her sit.
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"Good afternoon Doc." Amrita greeted me as I made my way to the lift. She's a hardworking but ever so smiley receptionist at our hospital. I wished her back with a smile.
"You are late." She said in a curious tone but I placed my arms on the reception table, my coat and stethoscope hanging on one of my arm, I pressed my lips in a thin smile and said " Your Doc is never late. Infact today is my off but I have come to take some books from my cabin."
Amrita started calling me doc when we warmed up with each other. She joined us last year and truly is an asset to our hospital. She's like a little sister to me. I really adore her.
"Oh is that so. I didn't check your schedule today."
"Because there isn't any. No appointments and no surgery. By the way show me Dr Ayaan's appointment list."
"Why? Keeping an eye on your best friend?"
"On his beautiful patients." I moved closer to her, and whispered. She laughed at my answer and replied "and then those patients will scream at me - Where is Dr Taran. I wanna meet my boyfriend." Amrita still jokes about that incident. I checked the list and he was almost free today so I smiled and moved back from the desk.
"Enjoy your day doc!"
"I gonna read and learn some more. No enjoyment." I said dramatically and she giggled.
I made my way to the lift and pressed the button. I pressed floor number 3 button to meet Ayaan and the lift started moving. Pretty soon, the door opened and I stepped out only to find Miss Parineet in front of the lift, she must be waiting for it. Miss Kakkar was wearing a beautiful mauve coloured suit, her hairs were neatly parted from the centre, and were left open with small braids in the front. With a bag in her hands, minimal makeup and plump pink lips, she looked so small and docile. Her body frame is very cute. Stop gawking Taran Ahuja! I slammed myself in my mind.
She nodded as a way of greeting and I did the same, she was about to leave when I held her hand and stopped her. She looked at me as she was taken aback and I made her stand in front of me and left her hand. My eyes not meeting hers but I still said "I am sorry for this. But it's 1 pm and from what information I have, it's your appointment time, so where are you going Miss Kakkar." When I checked the appointment list of Ayaan, her name was there and at this time she should be inside his cabin.
"It's not your business." She looked elsewhere and said in a soft low voice.
"It is my business because I was the one who asked your brother to book the appointment and Miss Kakkar you-" She looked at me and I added in the same authoritative tone, "- yes you, need to have a check up. You are not well Miss Kakkar. Aap beemar hain."
In no time, tears formed in her eyes and she wiped them away silently and I realised that the last line did come out pretty harsh. I crossed my line and ahh! Only Ayaan can handle his patients.
I bowed down, my face very close to her. I was trying to look if she stopped crying or not.
"I am sorry Miss Kakkar. But trust me, Dr Ayaan is the best in his field and you should meet him, atleast once. He will not make money and make you come daily here. You really need his help. I insist. Please come with me. I'll show you his cabin." When I completed my long ass dialogue, she looked at me with moist eyes and then I realised our faces were just inches apart. My gaze lingered, her eyes didn't break the eye contact too. Her eyes are expressive but doesn't tell any story. She looks afraid, shy, sensitive and attentive of me all at the same time. I was looking at her with care and apology in my eyes, for I shouldn't have been rude with her. I have no right. It's totally her call. My mind was racing with these thoughts when someone tapped on my shoulder.
I jumped a little and saw Ayaan standing, with one hand in the pocket of his pants. I grew awkward and Parineet turned to her side.
"What's up Taran?"
"Uhmm!" I cleared my throat because Ayaan must be thinking I was flirting with the girl. He must be? He was. The smirk on his face was telling me. "This is Miss Parineet Kakkar. Your next appointment is with her."
"Good afternoon Miss Kakkar. And Dr Ahuja since when you have started the work of my assistant?" Ayaan was looking behind my shoulder all the time mischievously. He's so wicked.
"Shut up!" I whispered and turned to look last time at Parineet. Parineet? Yeah. She was okay by then. I sighed and mumbled a quick sorry again which I doubt if she heard.
Ayaan and she went inside his cabin and I pressed the lift button again to go to my floor. Since Ayaan is busy, I can't irritate him.
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I was finally done with searching and sorting of my books. I packed them in a bag and thought of meeting Ayaan before leaving when I bumped into someone. It was again Parineet. Our arms rubbed against each other as she was walking in haste. I held her hand again, and saw that she was crying. She looked uneasy and distressed. She looked back at me as if she's asking me to let her go. But how can I? She's clearly not okay and I should see to it.
"Hey! What happened?" I walked to her, leaving her hand, her was face was red. Her eyes welling up with tears and I added softly "Come with me."
This time she didn't resist, maybe she didn't has the energy so I took her to my cabin. I called the ward boy to bring water for her. She gulped it down it, her eyes still moist.
"What happened? Are you fine now?"
"Yeah." She said in a meek voice.
"Did Ayaan tell you something? Is the condition serious?"
"I have clinical depression." She told me, while her hands were making knots and alien patterns with each other. She was very uneasy.
"Calm down Parineet." I licked my dry lips and added "Can I call you by your name?"
She nodded. I think she's in a position that she doesn't care about anything right now but her volcanic tears and emotions which are bothering her to another level.
"Parineet. It's okay. Don't shiver. Don't cry. Don't stress yourself. It is completely okay to be not okay. Own it. Deal with it. Beat it." I said, sounding like a motivational speaker at the moment.
She looked at me, questions, queries and doubts were evident in her gaze. She wasn't sure of herself.
"I repeat it's okay to be not okay. And you will be fine. I know you are a good girl and you will defeat this depression soonest." I said as if she's a baby. Well I don't know about that but she was vulnerable at the moment.
"Give me your phone number. I'll personally help you fight with it. Me and Ayaan, your brother. We are with you. Everything will fall into place. And I am genuinely sorry for what I said in the lobby." I concluded and she was awestruck with my words. Umm. I think not with my words but with me asking her phone number.
Uggh.
I pressed my lips together and the situation seemed heavy. Nonetheless she gave me her number, though I could see she didn't want to. But I really want to help her.
"Say something Parineet. Interact." I finally said.
"I am leaving." Wow! That's what I was dying to listen from her. No? I sprawled back on my chair and gasped.
"I understand. You can leave but trust me on that. You gonna be fine soon. Very fine." I said motioning back to her and after nodding, she left the cabin ever so quietly.
I wonder till how long our meetings will be this much uncommunicative and wordless from her side.
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A/N : So much happened in Taran and Pari's life. Breakups, tensions, confrontations. What are your thoughts about this chapter? Do comment.
Much love xoxo!