I've always been a coward.
Too afraid to make lasting connections with others. Too afraid to think about what terrifying disappointments lay past death. Too afraid to label myself as just another amongst the crowd. I found it all too jarring to think about. The what ifs. The lack of control-
The inevitability.
I've always been envious of Shizu-chan. How even past his exterior of terror, people still gathered around him, still cared and trusted him as a valued friend. I could never understand why. Why did a monster like him get accepted so fully while I was left alone?
Hadn't I put my all into loving each of my darling humans? Watching with adoration no matter how sickening, how pathetic, how twisted they acted, I still loved each and every one of them.
And yet every day I found myself returning to an empty apartment, drab of trinkets and spotless of chips and imperfections- Of memories.
I was bitter. Like a child who was never given the chance to introduce themselves before a boy had claimed to despise them from the first glance. I was jealous because that same boy would turn around and walk away from his path of bent rubble and bruised flesh and smile at his loved ones who awaited his return.
He'd get a slap on the wrist and sympathetic eyes-
"Went a little overboard this time, didn't you?"
"You're not hurt are you?"
"Come on Shizuo, I know you're better than this."
I was bitter because I knew I couldn't have that. Even with all the love I spewed out, the glee that stretched my face when I let my arms splay wide open for each and every one of my precious humans even when I knew nobody would dare step closer.
And the most pathetic part was that even if somebody dared take that step, I'd take three steps back with that same pinned grin. Arms still open wide with manic eyes and a mantra on my tongue for the love I held for each and every one of them.
And they would sneer at the mere sound of my name.
"I hope you die Orihara."
"You're sick, you know that? No wonder you're alone."
"I hate you! I swear I'll kill you-"
And nothing has changed. I still love them all, love seeing how their faces twitch, each tick of their mind while they experience something new. I love it. I love their inner workings, their reactions, and each of their interesting little flaws and quirks.
But it's all so distant. Observed from behind the safety of glass, of walls in my mind and sharpened blades tucked in my sleeves. Of those three steps back every time my sisters would try to scuttle forward on naive little feet. Those three steps back every time Shinra would ramble casual nothings in hopes of a light conversation.
I was a coward, bitter, envious, and sick in the head. I couldn't even find myself disagreeing with my human's distrust, after all, I didn't trust myself either.
I still don't and I'm still a coward.
But still, I think I understand now why people stayed by Shizuo's side. Why he deserved their reassuring smiles and loyalty despite his rage, it was utterly terrifying and so strangely freeing to admit that I wanted to be a part of that as well.
Even if it was too late.
Black smoke puffed out in a haze as my legs buckled, sliding me to land half haphazardly in front of Shizuo's tucked-in knees. I forced a swallow, eyes flickering over the blond as I caught sight of his glazed eyes locked on the ground.
"Shizu-chan-" The name died on my tongue, breathless. My fingers twitched as I watched his frame convulse with each of his shallow breaths and mumbled apologies.
"I'm so sorry Izaya- I didn't mean to- I-" His voice was strained in the air, heavy in his lungs.
"No no- Shizu-chan, hey!" My hands hovered nervously, frantic for an answer. "Shizu-chan, don't apologize- You don't need to apologize alright? I'm sorry I- I didn't mean what I said." My words tumbled out over each other, keeling with weak huffs of laughter, awkward and strained as I tried to tie together something, anything, that would sound reassuring.
His head shook with a fury, "Fuck, Izaya, I killed you-! What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I like this-" His voice cracked, eyes still refusing to look up. His hands weaved into his hair, fingers pressing against his skull so hard I found myself thankful for Shizuo's iron-clad bones.
"Shizu-chan listen to me, look at me." Black tendrils continued to swarm, growing thicker with every cursed mumble that left his lips.
"I don't want to be like this- I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have- Dammit!" He growled in frustration and yanked his hands out of his hair so fast I could hardly catch the joint of his elbows denting craters into the wall behind him. "You're right, you've always been right. I'm just like that sick fucker who killed his daughter, I'm disgusting."
"Shizu-chan that's not true, what I said back there-" My eyes flickered between his manic expression and the raw muscle that peeked past torn skin on his elbow.
"You've always been right, since the very beginning. God, how dumb am I?" I cursed myself for every word I had said in the past as I heard the way Shizuo's voice wavered.
"Dammit, Shizu-chan look at me, listen to me," I hissed as that feeling writhed, panicked, and spazzed in my throat, in my gut, and thumped through every joint of my fingers.
"I'm a murderer, I killed you." His voice was hushed, arms raveling to hug at his own shoulders. "Why did I ever think it was okay for me to be around you? To talk to you, to-" He growled something more animal than human as his hands gripped harder and harder against his bone.
"Shit," I cursed under my breath, watching helplessly as Shizuo's eyes remained hazed over and glued to the ground. "Shizu-chan, please, stop that okay? I'm sorry for what I said, please just look at me."
Smoke rolled in waves, steep in rich black as I stared wide-eyed at the blond. I could feel strength tingle against my skin with every step further Shizuo fell into his own mind. As if he was stomping on a thin sheet of ice as he made his way towards the center of a frozen lake.
I watched with bated breath as Shizuo slowly began to unravel his limbs, legs stretching out to splay below my bent knees as his hands lowered to where he was staring at his shaking palms.
A puff of laughter left his mouth, "You're right Izaya. You've always been right. I'm a monster."
It stung. The guilt that wracked my frame when I thought over the countless times I've called him exactly that. How only a few moments ago I had dismissed his humanity as if it was never a possibility.
It stung to remember every time that word lilted on my tongue and how Shizuo would fight back, seethe and show his strength to prove his hopeless humanity while I continued to egg him on.
And how that had dwindled into a man collapsed on the floor reduced to murmuring and surrender, and it was a bitter thought to think that the old me would have basked in the feeling of truly winning our battle in the end. Of proving that Shizuo was truly a monster and that I had been right all along, even at the cost of my own life.
But I didn't believe that anymore. How could I after everything I've seen?
A rush of anger sparked through me, cursing our past and Shizuo's grim acceptance as my hands shot up to hopelessly try and grasp at his face to get him to look at me. To get him to listen to me.
I felt a tender rush of cold against warm and a prickle of sensation touched my skin. My hands were splayed wide on either side of Shizuo's face as I jerked his head to look up at me.
I sucked in a breath as I realized-
We both froze for a moment, staring at each other as our minds caught up to us. Slowly, one of Shizuo's hands lifted, curling to graze a feather-light touch over my hand. The sensation tickled, and I had to blink a few times to focus past the comforting feeling of touch that I hadn't experienced in what felt like forever.
"Izaya-"
"Shizuo, you are not a monster." My voice was steady, fingers gripping harder against his face to make sure that he couldn't look anywhere but at me. "Do you understand me?"
He blinked, wide umber eyes staring back as he kept completely still, his hand lingering in the air by mine.
"Do you understand me Shizuo?" My shoulders were kept taught and I watched something flicker in his face when I repeated his name.
Ever so slowly, he nodded and I allowed myself to relax in the slightest.
"Good," I whispered as the last of my tension trickled out. "Now listen to me, alright?" I squinted, making sure to bare into his gaping stare with my own challenging look to make sure he listened.
His head jerked in another tiny nod.
"You are not a monster, you never were and never will be." I couldn't bring myself to pull my hands away even as the hand Shizuo kept in the air cautiously lay to rest on top of mine.
"But-" He croaked, barely a sound but his mouth clamped shut under my glare.
I took a deep breath, gathering myself as I decided to completely lay my thoughts bare for the first time in what felt like a long while. "I've come to realize something about you I should've seen long ago. You're human, Shizuo, so very human."
I curled a corner of my mouth in amusement when Shizuo's brows knitted as far together as possible.
"And a too damn righteous one at that." I scoffed, only more amused when one of his eyebrows twitched. "You're far too caring, loyal to a fault, and have a nasty tendency of self-depreciation," I smirked.
"You're a self-sacrificing fool who needs to give himself more credit." I hummed as Shizu-chan decided to keep his mouth sealed. "There's a reason people stay around you, that they trust you. For crying out loud your whole life's mission is to live in peace. Shouldn't that say something about who you are?"
My eyes softened when I felt the flicker of numbness start to race across my hands. I gradually wriggled my hand free from under Shizuo's grip and carefully moved to place my weakened hands at my side so he wouldn't be able to notice the absence of touch.
I swallowed the swell in my chest when Shizuo's frown dipped lower when I moved my hand out of his grasp.
"What I said... It was wrong." I leaned back to settle on my knees, catching sight of how Shizuo's legs were still half-phase through, and half under myself. "Not just today either, but since the beginning. I've learned better now, seeing you like... this, seeing what you're really like, how could I not realize I was wrong?"
"I don't believe you to be my murderer." I kept my face steady, pausing a moment to let Shizuo read my expression as his own face pinched tight. "Our situation is... complicated," I huffed a laugh, "But I don't blame you for what happened, and I'm certainly not innocent myself either."
Finally, Shizu-chan spoke, voice quiet and uncertain, "How can you not blame me..? I told you what happened, you saw where it..." His shoulders sagged.
I shrugged, watching as a puff of black smoke pricked off at the movement. They seemed a little smaller than before... Good.
"Doesn't change the fact that I've decided not to blame you."
"But-"
"Ah, ah, ah!" I grinned as I heard his teeth click together as he shut his mouth. "It's my decision to make," I raised a brow and lifted my chin up to look down at him, "And I've decided that you're not to blame yourself for it. Alright?"
Shizu-chan's head shrunk into his neck and his nose furled like a stubborn child. "But that's dumb Izaya, you can't just ignore that I-"
"Alright?" I prompted again, my grin falling lopsided and pointed when Shizuo drawled out a long frustrated sigh.
"Fine..."
"Good," I nodded, letting a relieved smile overturn my smirk. A moment of silence settled over us as the agreement locked into place, both of us relaxing. I took a deep breath.
"As for what I said earlier," I nibbled on the flesh of my lip, "I'd like to apologize." My lips pursed when Shizuo looked at me as if I'd been scandalized.
"Wha- What!" I barked.
"It's just... I never would have imagined those words... from you..."
I rolled my eyes, biting back the argument of the many times I had apologized only moments before that fell on deaf ears. Stubborn fool refused to listen...
"Well, I'm still apologizing, unlikely or not." I scoffed before resting my eyes on something more solemn, "I was being cowardly. I didn't believe what I was saying, but I was too frightened to care, so I'm sorry for what I said."
My shoulders shook as I snickered, shaking my head as Shizuo looked at me utterly confused and intrigued.
"What were you afraid of?" He whispered, carefully stoning his face as he watched every movement of my eyes.
My laughter stuttered as my fingers fiddled together. "Uhm..." I glanced down at my hands in relief at how hazed they were. "It's stupid, don't worry about it."
I forced my body to lock still under his barreling stare. I focused all my willpower to push away the oncoming heat I could feel spreading on my face. Recalling my fear of not just leaving, but leaving his side.
Of realizing how much I cared and not knowing how to handle that.
I could still feel Shizuo's gaze burn a hole in the side of my head as I looked away. I trailed my sight across the patterns on his wooden floor instead of looking back at him as he inched a hair forward. I leaned back that same hair's width.
"Izaya," There was a tone of warning in his voice and I felt my face twitch when I caught the worried undertone.
"Shizu-chan," I stated simply.
"Don't call it stupid, Izaya. What were you afraid of?" I could feel the stubborn idiot's worried frown bear into me and I suppressed a pained noise in my throat as embarrassment wracked my system.
My tight lips wavered for a moment as I chewed at the skin. The great Orihara Izaya was blushing like a fool because he didn't know how to word the fact that he had grown to actually care about somebody...
A lot.
That suppressed pained noise slipped out beyond my better judgment at the thought.
"Izaya, you can tell me-"
"It's because I realized I cared, alright?" The words fumbled out a bit quickly and I cursed my own lack of elegance.
"What?" He sounded dumbfounded.
I sighed and resigned my fate to mortifying embarrassment. "I realized I cared about you... And I didn't know how to deal with that." I turned back to face him but kept my eyes low, fiddling with my fingers to distract myself. "So I thought if I drew back... things would go back to normal, something I knew how to handle."
I felt like a child, embarrassed, jittery, and awkward in my own skin. 'This is what you get for never opening up to anybody,' a voice in the back of my mind cheerfully chastised, it sounded suspiciously like Shinra.
"So you..." Shizuo whispered and I frowned, unable to catch what exactly his tone was. Risking it, I allowed myself to look back up at him and noticed that his complexion wasn't fairing much better.
Wonderful. So were both embarrassed, stuttering grown adults sitting on the floor. A puff of laughter lept out, and then another, and I didn't stifle my chuckles as I took in Shizuo's red face.
"My god, are we a wreck!" I tittered.
Shizuo smirked, face still bright, "Fucking speak for yourself, Flea..."
"Oh please," I rolled my eyes and huffed, allowing myself to fully relax and untangle my nerves.
"But, seriously Izaya... I feel the same," He smiled and I didn't stop myself from smiling back. I could see the tiny puffs of smoke that were brittle in the air, and I could only assume that my body was slowly beginning to weaken.
I just hope that Shizuo couldn't see any of it.
And even though a part of me was terrified at the thought of it, it was nothing compared to the blanket of relief that I'd managed to fix my mistake. That this haze was proof that Shizuo was happier and less lonely.
I still want to try and drag our time out as long as I can, but it won't be at the expense of you, Shizu-chan. I knew that this couldn't last forever, and I was just grasping at straws to try and gain more time, but I think I much prefer this, to wallowing alone with that extra time.
I blinked back at Shizuo as he took a deep breath, rubbing a hand through his hair for a moment before it settled to rest on the back of his neck. "I really do care for you... and, shit, this is difficult."
My mouth slowly parted, watching carefully as he jittered over his thoughts to try and form a sentence.
"Fucking hell... I'm just going to say it," He mumbled. What? My head tilted, taking not to each twitch of nervousness in his frame and the unsure, red-faced expression he was wearing. My eyes widened as it clicked. Was he going to..?
Oh shit. That's what this is, isn't it? That writhing in my throat, the care, the odd separation even in realizing Shizuo was one of my precious humans.
The idea, the very word alone felt so foreign on my tongue.
This is different from how I feel about humans. How I adore each and every one of them and seek to tamper with their minds. It was different from my love of humanity.
But hold on-
If he's really about to say what I think he's about to say then what will happen?
Shizuo took another deep breath and leveled my wide-eyed stare with a determined set brow. "Izaya." I swallowed, "I'm in lo-"
"Wait." My breath shuttered, "Don't say it."
"O-oh," The determination in his eyes immediately wavered, gaze flickered to the ground as he cursed under his breath. "Shit, sorry, I..."
"Shizu-chan?"
"...Yeah?"
I took a deep breath, "Not yet."
"Huh?" He grunted.
"Don't say it... yet." My face softened with a reassuring smile. He nodded numbly with his brows sewn together.
I want to hear him say it and now that I've realized it, I'd like to say it back to him. But I have one last selfish request before we do. Because there's a part of me that knows what's going to happen. So let me have this one last silly request as a memory.
"You have tomorrow off don't you?" I raised my eyebrow.
"Yeah?" He raised his.
My eyes squinted at the start of a smile and I tilted my head, "Okay... Then why don't we spend the day together?"
He nodded again, the determination flickering back to life inside his eyes. "Okay, yeah. But... not just like we normally do? Are you saying tomorrow will be like a... date?" He looked cautious, confused, still stricken with a new rush of resolve.
I huffed a grin, "Yes, like a date. And then afterward you can tell me what you were going to say."
One more day. That's all the time I ask for. I want to enjoy tomorrow with you and then I'll be alright.
And...
Shizuo's face broke out in relief as a lopsided smile drew on his face. I couldn't keep the adoration from growing in my eyes as I watched him, the own corners of my lip stretching up.
And hopefully, with time, you'll be alright too Shizuo. I wish I could stay, I don't want to leave your side, especially now. But I know there's nothing we can do, so I'll make sure to enjoy tomorrow as my last.
I'll make sure we both enjoy tomorrow as our last together.
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It felt good. To just smile openly at each other like this. To be able to see Izaya open up and show me his true feelings so freely.
It felt good to know he trusted me enough to do that. My mind was thrumming with ideas for what to do tomorrow, countless possibilities crossing as I tried to figure out a way to compensate for Izaya's invisible nature without the cost of people looking at me like I was insane.
But who fucking cares about what people think because holy shit- We're going on a date tomorrow.
I had never even considered the possibility that Izaya might actually harbor any sort of feelings for me in return. At least enough to admit that he cared about me and proposed a fucking date?
God, is this what high school girls feel like when they squeal to one another about their crush?
I probably look like an idiot right now. I feel like one at least. With a big gulp of breath, I took a second to allow myself to relax and gather my thoughts.
There was something that was still bothering me though. Izaya had been able to touch me, I could actually feel his touch-
How?
Something about it had bothered me, and there was this twinge in my instincts that were looming with the idea of tomorrow, something strange that lay past the excitement.
I shook away a frown before it could form and looked back at Izaya. He was still sitting in front of me, well, technically on top of me, through me? I shook my head again and caught sight of Izaya's gaze that had lowered to my arms.
I trailed after the flea's gaze and immediately winced, "Ah, shit." We both stared at the torn and bleeding skin around my elbows, and now that I was looking at it I could faintly notice a very dull throb in the area.
The real concern was the two holes in the wall behind me and how much they were going to cost.
"You should probably treat those Shizu-chan."
"Mm' yeah," I sighed looking back at my elbows, it was a bit disturbing to see the muscles shift when I'd try to move my arms.
Izaya huffed and I had to push back the feeling of mourning when Izaya rose off my lap. I shoved that thought far down before I could think of that any further.
I followed suit and hefted myself to a stand and scowled at the injuries. Grumbling, I stretched my neck to catch sight of the kitchen counter. "Where did I put that super glue..?"
"...What?"
I turned back around to see Izaya's deadpan expression.
"Super glue..? For my elbows?" I lifted my arms. I don't feel like dealing with stitches and it'll be a bitch to wrap because moving my arms will just make it worse. I've used glue before and it worked well enough, so why the hell not?
"You're joking right?"
My lips pursed and I stayed quiet. He sighed, long and drawled out and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Seriously? Super glue?"
With a tumbled mess of bickering and explaining why it wasn't a good idea to glue skin against your raw flesh and call it quits, Izaya managed to nag me into going into the bathroom to properly disinfect and wrap the wounds. And he of course made sure to follow close on my trail, teetering between laughing and amazement as he kept asking me how I ever thought that super glue was a good idea.
"It would've worked just fine," I grumbled.
Izaya shook his head and watched as I wrapped bandages around the joints of my arms, growling a few times in frustration when the fabric wouldn't move the way I wanted it to. I tied the last knot and moved my arms to make sure it was comfortable. Izaya smirked in satisfaction at the finished wrappings before sliding his way out of the bathroom.
I followed after, frowning as I continued to move my arms, my nose furled when I felt how restrictive the bandages were. I'm taking these off tomorrow.
"It's getting late," He hummed and I peered past him to look out the window and nodded.
"Yeah, I should probably go to sleep..." My mind trailed off to what tomorrow would bring and I was struck with two rivaling thoughts.
There was still this looming uncertainty about tomorrow that I couldn't ignore in favor of the excitement.
I paused to stare at the back of Izaya's form, watching as his hazy image left a trail of small black curls in his wake as he made his way over to the window.
I frowned and ruffled my hair, hoping to shake off some of the confusion along with it. Glancing between my bedroom and Izaya's window, an idea popped into my head.
"Hey, Izaya? Want' to go to my bedroom tonight?"
"Hoh?" The flea whirled around to look at me with a smirk long on his lips, "Y'know Shizu-chan, I'd say 'at least invite me out to dinner first' but then again you technically have..." He purred.
I blinked, watching carefully as Izaya strolled past me and down the hall towards my bedroom, he peered over his shoulder, past the fur of his hood, "But FYI, usually that inclines actually going to the dinner first."
"Wha-" I gawked, realizing the innuendos like a slap to the face, "That's not what I meant Flea!" I hissed, red-faced, "I just thought you could look out my window for a change of scenery!"
Izaya laughed, light and breathy, "Sure, sure," He fanned his hand in dismissal. I huffed and stomped after him, willing away the taint of red still lingering on my ears out of a pure stubborn will.
When I got to my room, Izaya was already settled near the window, looking out the glass at the street below.
"Don't you want a book to read or something?" I lifted a brow.
His head tilted over to look at me and he shook his head, "Nah, I'll be alright." I nodded.
Something in the answer left a few warning bells ringing at the back of my mind. I forced them to the corner of my thoughts along with the other worries still dwindling at the edges of my excitement. Excitement, right, I was looking forward to tomorrow.
I wonder where we should go...
I stepped out of the room to get dressed into something more comfortable for sleep, a simple pair of sweatpants, as I mulled over every place I could think of going. Shuffling around the room, I placed my phone on the side table and made sure my alarm was set so I wouldn't sleep in too late.
We could go to that bookstore again, Izaya seemed to like it there. Maybe a park? Somewhere more secluded so that we can talk more openly to each other without others looking. Should I wear something different? I mean Izaya won't be wearing anything different, but then again he can't and doesn't really need to...
Thoughts tumbled together into an organized mess as I settled under blankets. Taking a deep breath, I took a moment to bask in the feeling of somebody else in the sheet of peaceful quiet that enveloped the room. It was nice to have Izaya here.
Fabric rustled as I turned to look at the flea. He seemed to hear my movement as he turned to meet my gaze. The room was dark, and it was difficult to see Izaya's frame, but I could still see the unmistakable glow of his eyes as he stared back.
"Hey, Shizu-chan?"
"Hm?"
"Just in case you need to hear it, I forgive you. For what happened that day."
I gaped at him for a moment, feeling something crumble within me as I let out a soft breath. Slowly, I shuffled to lay on my back, looking up at the ceiling for a moment as the simple words repeated over in my head.
Letting out another breath, I closed my eyes and let myself sink into the warmth of my bedding.
"Goodnight Izaya."
"Goodnight Shizuo."