After that morning Leah retreated back into herself, for a while I thought she may just need some time away from me but it became apparently that the trust had completely gone. We slept in the same bed for a while but after a month or two, I moved into the spare room to give Leah some space. I think, if it wasn't for the press I probably would've moved out by now. We both wanted to keep stories like this under wraps as we knew that one day Aoife would read them.
We planned a party for Aoife's 1st birthday, our families and close friends gathered to celebrate alongside us, knowing that Leah and I were all but separated. You could see that they felt awkward, it was written all over their faces but they refrained from commenting for fear of being the match that lit the final fire.
The day after the party, I travelled to Reading Festival. My life as an artist went on, despite my personal life being in pieces. As I took to the stage, I put on my best smile and waved to the crowd. Everything had to be normal, we had to finish the sets how we always had, we had to throw fans off any scent they may have been searching for. I began to sing the final song, a routine that had become a signature for me, the song I wrote for Leah.
As I heard the crowd sing the words with such passion and belief in forever, I felt like a cheat. I felt like I had lied to everyone around me about a relationships ability to last. I knew I'd messed up the second verse, struggling to distract my mind from Leah. Come on, Alex. Get a fucking grip. I repeated to myself as the final chorus began but my heart took over my mind. 1,2,3. 1,2,3. It's not working. The tears began to freely flow down my cheeks, my voice cracked and my body began to rock back and forth, slowly. As if I was on a ship that was sailing through calm waters. I couldn't move. I couldn't run off stage to cry or throw myself to the floor and pretend to faint. I was stuck there, in that moment. Crying on stage over the love I had for my old life, the one that was gone.
I felt two arms take a shoulder each as a jumper was thrown over my face and I was ushered to the left of the stage and down the steps. They removed the cover and I could see that Gavin and Lydia were stood either side of me.
"Oh Alex, I'm so sorry. I know how much you're hurting. Let it all out." Lydia said tenderly.
"I can't - can't - I - I - I can't do this anymore." I sobbed.
"Let's get you back to the bus." Gavin said, throwing his arm over my shoulder again and protecting my face from the cameras that had now lined the route.
When we reached the bus, I took my phone out which had been vibrating in my pocket nonstop. I could see that I had dozens of missed calls from Leah. I knew she would be angry, angry that I'd blown our well kept secret. Angry that Aoife would witness this moment in the future. I wanted to talk to her but not fight. I threw my phone across the table and sternly told Gavin and Lydia to not tell me anything she said if she contacted them. This moment was about keeping my head above water. It was about keeping myself from falling into the same cycle that so many others before me had.
"What're they saying?" I asked Lydia, as our coach neared our end point.
"It doesn't matter. Just ignore them." Lydia said, smiling sweetly at me.
"Just let me see, Lyds. Please." I pleaded.
Lydia slid her phone across the table to me as the bus came to a halt beside our cars.
Alex Ryan-Williamson fails to finish set at Reading festival after mysterious break down
SPLIT: Have Alex and Leah split? Singer fails to make it through song that she dedicated to wife.
ITS OVER: Insiders claim that Leah and Alex have been 'technically over' for months after Alex Ryan breakdown on stage.
Fans concerned for welfare of Alex Ryan-Williamson as she has to be ushered off stage by friends during Reading festival headline slot.
I sighed and passed the phone back to Lydia, collecting my stuff and throwing it into my car. Lydia hugged me, making me promise to let her know I got home safely. As I pulled up at home, I braced myself for what was to come. I had promised Leah that I would maintain this happy life persona until we were ready to tell the world that our relationship was ending. Until we were ready to accept that.
Before I could put my key into the door, it flung open. I was immediately pulled into the arms of Leah who repeatedly kissed my head and trailed my weak body to the sofa.
"Alex, why haven't you been answering my calls? I've been going out of my mind!" She said, her voice riddled with panic.
"I knew sorry wouldn't be enough." I said.
"Sorry? For what?" She asked as she attentively rubbed at my back.
"I promised I'd keep up the pretence. I promised you something else. Something else I didn't manage to do right." I sobbed.
"Hey! I don't care about the headlines. I care about you, Al. I was ringing to check on you silly, not to shout at you." Leah said softly, her lips brushing against my hair as she spoke.
"Sorry." Was all I could force my mouth to say.
"You need to sleep. Come on, let's get you to bed." Leah whispered.
Leah and I went upstairs, I got ready for bed and headed down the hallway as Leah went to brush her teeth. I stopped at Aoife's bedroom door, smiling at her peacefully sleeping with one leg out from under the covers and Leah's teddy under her chin, just like I had slept many nights. I felt the warmth of Leah's body behind me, her presence making me feel safe as it always did.
"She's perfect isn't she?" Leah whispered.
"Completely." I whispered back before turning to go to my room.
"Night, Al." Leah said softly.
"Night, Le." I replied as I began to close the bedroom door.
As promised, I text Lydia to let her know I was home safe and in bed. She quickly replied to tell me she loved me, something that brought a smile to my face for a few seconds before reality set in again. I turned onto my side, deciding that sleep was the best thing I could hope for right now. I knew I had to let the tears fall onto my pillow until my eyes were too tired, something I had learned during the last 11 months.
The bedroom door opened slowly and closed again as I heard Leah walk towards my bed. I didn't want to turn around, I didn't want to let her see me crying again, I wanted to be strong for both of us but my brain just didn't seem to know what strong was anymore.
"Are you awake?" Leah whispered.
"Yeah." I said, trying to discreetly wipe my tears.
"Can you come into our room?" Leah asked.
I didn't respond, just slowly got out of bed and followed Leah to the room we used to share. Leah got back into bed, pulling back the covers on the other side to signal that I should get in too. I didn't want to read too much into it, I slipped in beside her and turned onto my side leaving a distance between us and my back facing Leah. I guessed that she wanted to have me in the same room to keep an eye on me after my earlier breakdown on stage.
A few minutes later, I felt Leah's body move towards me. Her hand rested just above my waist as she spoke.
"Can I?"
"Please." I replied.
Leah's hand touched my waist, her body moving further towards my back as her fingers found the skin on my stomach.
"Turn around." Leah said as my heart began to beat a little faster.
I turned to face Leah, her arm fell across my waist again as her fingers lightly stroked my back. Leah slowly moved her lips towards mine, connecting them for the first time in months. I placed my hand on her neck, allowing my fingers to travel across the front of her neck and slowly down her chest. Her palm on my back pressed my body into hers as our kiss deepened, both of us cherishing the moment that we had gone without for so long.
— — — —
Both Leah and I collapsed into the arms of one another, our heart rates beginning to steady.
"I love you, Alex." Leah said as she kissed my forehead.
"I love you too, Le. I always will." I said, inhaling deeply as I tried to manage the butterflies in my stomach.
Leah's fingers found my wedding ring, gently tracing the band in a circle.
"Stay with me, Al." Leah whispered.
"Trust me, I'm too tired to go back to that bed tonight." I laughed.
"Forever. Stay with me forever." Leah said, kissing my arm that was draped over her chest.
"I never left, Le." I said as I hugged her tighter.
"I don't think I could carry on without you." Leah said.
"You don't ever have to, for as long as I'm breathing I'll be right beside you. Both of you." I said, reaching up to kiss her lips.
Leah and I fell asleep that night, neither of us expecting to fall asleep with our bodies firmly pressed together for the first time in months. I didn't care about the show, I cared that Leah was back in my arms. I cared that Aoife slept peacefully next door. My heart felt full for the first time in 11 months.