Tw: Death Mentioning
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y/n:
As I arrived at the office the next morning I was tired. I was tired and extremely unmotivated to do anything. I started to lose my focus. I started to think about the reason why I was still doing this. I was getting better, yes, with the help of Wilbur. But the days were hard anyways. I also didn't really know how Sky was right now. Probably fine, they were getting better, but still. I just wanted to know that they were fine. Even if Sky was alright right now, how would all of this go on? For how long would they have to stay at the hospital and for how long would I have to be alone? Sky was my roommate and it was weird to be alone so suddenly, which was why I felt rather alone, besides Wilbur of course.
I just haven't seen him yesterday. Probably he was taking a break. A break from his work. And probably, just probably, a break from me? Was I too much to handle? Was I annoying and problematic? Did he need to be alone? I shook my head as I drew my attention back on my essay. I really needed to continue and not to think about all of this stuff. It was hard to even just think about Wilbur not being able to endure me. It really was. And the most hurting part was, that it may be true. Before I started to write I put in my headphones. I couldn't endure this silence anymore, and music was the best thing that could help me. I just realized it a few days ago, but it helped. I could escape my life for a bit. I could got lost, even though I was working on an essay.
I opened Spotify and scrolled through my library, where I quickly found the artist I was searching for. It was my favorite one, besides Wilbur. I just started to play the music. I immediately heard the music running through my headphones directly into my ears. I relaxed, knowing that it would be okay. Just listen to the music. Not your thoughts. That would be much easier. I opened my eyes again after I closed them for a while and looked at my pc monitor. And here we are again. Even though I was tired I started writing. It seemed like everything had gone back to normal. To the time when Sky was alright, to the time where I hadn't known Wilbur and to the time where I was, well not really better but also not really worse.
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After a few hours of writing I stopped the music again. I put off my headphones and just listened. I tried to, at least, but I heard nothing. Wilbur was still not here. I started to feel this demotivation again. I felt alone. I felt weak. I wanted to see Wilbur. I wanted to know that he was around me. I just wanted to know that I wasn't alone. That at least one person was still there for me. I could text him. I could ask where he was. Was he even alright? What if he wasn't? What if something happened to him? I frowned. Should I check up on him? Probably not. Probably he needed a break from me. I was annoying, I knew that. I was annoying because of how problematic I was. I should give him his break. He probably needed some time for himself. After a while of thinking I got my phone and opened Twitter. No new tweets from Wilbur. Probably he wasn't alright? I closed Twitter again and opened our messenger. I decided that it probably would be better to text him.
~chat~~~~
y/n: hey Wilbur, are you alright? I haven't heard anything from you and I'm a bit worried :/
~chat~~~~
I waited a bit but I didn't get a response. I sighed and lay my phone on the table. I shouldn't have texted him. If he doesn't want to talk to me that would be alright as well. But probably I also just had to wait. Nobody normally responds in the exact same second. Probably he was doing his own stuff and just had simply not the time to talk to me. It was alright, of course. Why would it be not okay? He was his own person, with his own life. While I had to do my stuff, he had to do his. And who knows what he was up to. Probably it was important, probably it was not. My phone which buzzed caught my attention again. I picked it up and looked at my new messages. My face lit up as I saw that I got a message from Wilbur.
~chat~~~~
Wilbur: hey, yeah I'm sorry I didn't talk to you earlier. I'm alright, thanks for your concern though:)
y/n: good to hear:) am I allowed to ask what you're up to?
Wilbur: sure, I'm just a bit tired from... well all of this right now so I'm taking a little break, I'll be back to the end of this week though
y/n: oh... is it because of me?
Wilbur: What? No, it's not, why would you think that. It's actually some things that happened... away from you
y/n: oh okay, just know that I'm here, you can talk to me:)
Wilbur: thank you, really
y/n: it's alright, if you need anything please just text me yeah? I will be there<3
Wilbur: I appreciate that a lot, and I will, see you<3
~chat~~~~
I looked at our chat a bit more. So he really had his own problems now. I was so selfish. I was so selfish to just think about me all of the time. I never thought about Wilbur having his own problems too. I never asked him. I never asked him if he was alright. I was just another problem for him to take care of. I knew that he denied that but was he lying? Probably. I did not know who to trust. Myself or Wilbur. I really wanted to believe in Wilbur but I just didn't know if I could. He wouldn't be lying to me, would he? No, and I knew that. Probably... probably I made myself a bigger problem than I actually was.
And I asked him yet again if I was the problem for him. I didn't even think a second about him having his own problems. Why did I always think about me in first place? I barely thought about Wilbur's health. I really was a horrible person. How could I even live like this? I sighed as tears formed in my eyes. How could I live as such a bad person? I was just problematic to a lot of people. I always thought about me in first place and never about others. Why was it so hard to live?
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After a few hours more working I decided to finally go home. I was still tired, now even more than before since I had cried as well. I saved all of my work and turned the computer off, before I stood up and closed the window. Lastly I just put all of my things in my bag and headed out. I quickly locked the door and started to walk to the exit. When I arrived at the huge glass door my phone buzzed once again. I pushed the door open and stepped outside so I could get at least some fresh air before I would answer my phone.
~chat~~~~
Wilbur: hey where are you right now?
y/n: still at the office, I wanted to go home now though
Wilbur: alright, do you have anything to do now or are you free? I feel like I could need a bit company right now
y/n: really? should I come over?
Wilbur: if you don't mind
y/n: of course, I'm on my way:)
Wilbur: thank you<3
~chat~~~~
I started to walk to Wilbur's place instead of mine. I was happy that I could help him, but I was also worried. What had happened to him? He wasn't alright, he lied to me. I was not mad though. Sometimes it's just a lot easier to not open up. It's easier to just keep everything in so you don't have to talk to people. It made me even happier to know that Wilbur was alright with opening up to me. I was happy to know that I was one of the persons he could talk to even in hard times. Probably hard times. Probably he was alright and nothing happened, I honestly didn't know. He told me that he was alright, maybe he lied, maybe he told the truth.
I didn't know that yet but I had the feeling that something was wrong. I couldn't tell what, and I couldn't tell if I caused it, but I really needed to stop thinking I was causing all the problems. I didn't know what had happened to him. But I did know that I was supposed to help him. I was supposed to be there for him. I told him that and I meant that. I wanted to help him just like he had helped me. I sighed as I saw his house in front of me. I already arrived. I stepped closer to the door and took some deep breaths. I was scared. I was scared to see what had happened to him. But I needed to be strong. With one final breath I finally rang the doorbell. It took a few seconds until the door finally opened and Wilbur in the door frame appeared. But he didn't looked as happy as he normally did.
His eyes were red and puffy and he looked tired. He looked done. To see him like this broke me. "Hey, come in" he said and smiled sadly. I couldn't say anything and just did as he told me. I put off my shoes and my jacket and placed my bag on the ground before I walked over to the couch where Wilbur already sat. "W-Wilbur?" I asked. He looked up to me with a questioning look. I took a deep breath. "What happened?" I asked "I know that you wrote me that you're alright, but I don't believe you. You cried. Why? I mean, just tell me if you feel comfortable enough, but probably it helps to speak about it" I continued. I really hoped not to overstep his boundaries by that. "Well my friend... Alex, he passed away yesterday. He had cancer. He was more like a brother for me than a friend, you know? I- I don't know what- I just-" he broke his sentence and a tear rolled down his cheek.
I placed my hand on his cheek and wiped the tear away with my thumb. I did not think a second about what I was doing. It just felt right. "I'm sorry... but it will be okay" I said softly. Now it was my turn to give him a comforting hug. I pulled him in and hugged him tightly. He felt so weak. It was like he was someone else. "Thank you y/n" he whispered as he parted us again. I smiled softly "No problem. You lost a friend, it's hard I know. I thought I lost my friend as well when I heard what had happened to Sky. Just know that your friend... that Alex is no longer in pain. And hey, the cancer died with him, it was a draw" He looked up to me and smiled. "You're right. But still, it hurts. I- I just don't want to believe that he's gone now. I- I- I don't know what to do" he stuttered. I nodded understanding. I didn't really know how to act.
I wanted to help him so badly, but I just didn't know how. I saw that even more tears started to roll down his cheeks. I wiped them away again what caused Wilbur to smile a bit. "I'm sorry that you have to see me like this. I know that you're having a hard time as well, I shouldn't have texted you" he said. My eyes widened. What did he just say? "What? No, no it's alright. I told you I would be there for you. You helped me a lot, Wilbur, so I want to help you as well. I just- I just don't really know how to" He looked at me. "Just stay here, then" he whispered. I smiled a bit and nodded before I pulled him into a hug again. He had to go through way more than me right now.
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It was now 6.30pm and we haven't left the sofa once. While I sat on the couch criss legged Wilbur lay with his head on my lap next to me. I started to play with his hair as well so my fingers would have to do something. Wilbur had closed his eyes but I was sure that he wasn't asleep. Suddenly I remembered something. I wasn't eating much because of my eating disorder, but I remembered that I always forgot to eat something whenever something happened. Whenever something bad happened or whenever my mental health took a dive. So I started wondering if he ate anything. "Wilbur?" I asked. He opened his eyes slowly and looked at me. "When was the last time you ate something?"
He frowned "I- I don't know. Yesterday I think" "You need to eat something" I responded to his answer. "I don't want to, I really don't feel like it" I shook my head "You need to. I don't want to eat either, but we both still have to eat something. You told me that I have to eat something also when I don't want to, remember?" He sighed and smiled "I do remember that, yeah" "Should I cook something for us? Or should we just order something? Well, no, I will cook. I won't call someone to order to food but you don't have to do it either" I said and giggled a bit. "You don't have to cook" he said as he sat up again. "Don't worry about it" I said. Before he could answer anything I already stood up and walked over into the kitchen.
Now I realized how weird it was to just cook in someone else's kitchen. I didn't even got a proper 'okay' from Will. I looked over into the living room but Wilbur lay down again so he wasn't seen. I just guessed that he would be alright with me cooking in his kitchen. I just prepared an easy dish. It wasn't much and nothing special since I thought that we both wouldn't eat much. It was good that we at least ate something. Since it just had to cook now for a while I went back to Wilbur. Wilbur still lay on the sofa and because of his height there was no space for me to sit. "May I sit down as well?" I asked. He looked up from his phone and smiled a bit. Then he sat up once again so I could sit down next to him.
He was still on his phone so I got mine as well. I just opened Twitter and looked a bit around. The atmosphere was pretty chill right now. Wilbur calmed down again but we sat in silence most of the time. It was okay though. I didn't want to start a conversation. He should do it, I wanted to give him the time he would need. Sometimes it was just good to know that there was someone around you. I knew that all too good. It was hard to be the person that was supposed to help. I've never done that before and my time was hard as well, but just not as hard as Wilbur's. My friend was alright. And his friend... well, his friend was alright as well, just not there for him now.
"y/n? What happened?" Wilbur suddenly asked. His voice was soft and full of worry. Now I noticed that tears rolled down my cheeks. I quickly wiped them away. "N- nothing. I was just lost in thoughts" I replied. And here we were. Two people who were fucking mentally unstable. We both couldn't do anything. We were just comforting each other. Or at least Wilbur was comforting me. "I didn't want it to be like this" I continued "I just wanted to help you. But- I just never was the person to help, you know. I'm supposed to help you right now, not the other way around. I'm so, so sorry Wilbur" He smiled "Don't apologize, okay? It's not only me who is having a hard time, I know that. I just need the accept that my friend is... gone. I'll be alright. You have much more problems. Problems I have left behind already. I know that you want to help me, but you don't need to. I will help you, you need my help more than I need yours"
Suddenly he was like all the days before. Just like the death of his friend never happened, or if it was a while ago. He was strong for me right now, but I should be strong for him. I accepted that anyways, so I nodded and looked down. I didn't say anything, I didn't want to. I didn't know what to say. Suddenly he placed his fingers under my chin so I was looking at him again. My face heat up at his sudden move. "I told you I won't leave you, just tell me you won't leave me either" he whispered. I nodded "I would never" I replied just as quite as he and smiled.
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"Hey, it's kind of late already. Should I go home? Or don't you mind me staying longer?" I asked. I was walking back into the living room after I drank something in the kitchen. He looked up from from his phone "If you want to you can stay, I don't mind" I smiled as I sat next to him again. I was really tired from my day but I could relax around Wilbur really good. It was not like I needed to go home to have time for myself. The time I spent with Wilbur was like time for myself, if not, probably even better. I slowly moved closer to him and lay my head on his shoulder. I did not know what I was doing, but I needed his nearness. Surprisingly he didn't say anything but wrapped an arm around me. I felt so save. Like nothing could happen.
I sighed and closed my eyes. "Are you alright y/n?" Wilbur asked after a while of silence. I opened my eyes again."Why are you asking me that question? I should ask you" I said and giggled a bit "But I'm fine. I haven't felt this good in a while" I continued. He started to caress my arm softly. My face instantly went hot. What was happening? It felt so good but at the same time so weird. "But what about you? How are you feeling?" I asked and tried to ignore the situation. "I'm alright, I guess? I don't know, I slowly start to accept that he's gone now" he responded and lay his head on mine. My cheeks went even hotter. I just hummed as my response. Since he didn't continue with the conversation I closed my eyes again. I was still really really tired. I had a long day and all of the things that had happened made me just more done. I yawned and soon didn't realized what was happening anymore. I just drifted away into a calming sleep.
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(3234 words)
Thank you for reading, I hope you liked the chapter! Just remember you are not the cause for anyone's problem, yeah:)?
- Luma