"You're not mad she chose Damien over you?"
Just when I had thought Aden and I were starting to get over the giant mountain that had been between us, he sent the entire kitchen into a state of shock and tension. Against my better judgement, I found my head lifting and eyes falling on Nix in front of me. The moment the question had left my twins mouth, Nix had grown rigid, his jaw clenched so tight I could see a muscle in it beginning to twitch. His hands, which had been clutching a saucer, had begun to drain of color.
"No." Nix finally said through his teeth, but his eyes weren't on me, but on Damien at the table beside Sam. "I understand its what's better for her right now. I loved her when we were kids, I love her now, and I will love her ten years from now. No matter the choices she makes, what happens in the future, I will always be here and she will always come back to me."
Damien pushed away from the table, his chair nearly falling into my older brother's shoulder as he shot daggers right over my head at Phoenix. Aden had sunk into his seat a little, not quite a satisfied look on his face, but something close to it. I knew why he had done it. Yet again it wasn't me he was trying to attack indirectly, but Damien. He wasn't going to tell his best friend his feelings anytime soon, so his best idea of attack was to put a divider between Damien and me, and in this case, Nix would be the perfect candidate for it.
"You're an asshole." Damien purposely rammed into Aden on his way out of the kitchen, shaking his head.
Everyone looked from the door to Aden as soon as Damien's bedroom door slamming upstairs sounded through the house. My brother shrugged a shoulder, looking as if he hadn't been the cause for everything that had just happened. To my surprise, Sam was glaring at Aden as the rest of my brother's were, but at Phoenix in front of me.
"That was a dick move, Nix." Sam whispered. "You didn't have to say that."
"I just stated facts." Nix snapped at his best friend. "He needs to grow up and get used to it. I'm not the only guy that's going to try and sweep in and take Arianna from him."
Phil sighed, pressing his fingers into his temple. "Maybe not. But you're his biggest threat and his biggest weakness."
"How about you teach your little asshole brother had to shut his mouth and we won't have to worry about anything?" Was Nix's response before he stalked out of the kitchen, following in his brother's footsteps.
*
I would have never thought at the beginning of this summer that I would feel sick leaving the beach house. When I had come three months ago, I wanted nothing more than to be back home in Ohio with my mother, curled up beside her as we forgot the world outside of us existed. But as I stood in front of Damien's old Camaro, a present from Phil for his birthday a couple years ago I'd been told, I could feel my stomach churning.
Within the next hour we'd be heading in different directions. Phil would be heading for the airport to head back to Massachusetts, not to be seen again for months. Buck was heading to San Diego. Nix and Sam were heading in the same direction as us, but would be splitting in the middle and heading for USC in LA. Aden had refused to ride with Damien, Hudson, and me, so he'd been left to either get a crazy expensive UBER home or catch a ride with our father. He'd surprisingly chose the latter, but I had a feeling it was do to a lot of coaxing from our Dad.
He'd sat the boys down last night and explained his declining health in detail. The boys had taken it pretty well, with the exception of an outburst from Buck and Aden running off before Dad could explain how limited his time was. Seeing that Aden had started to come around made me happy, even if it was hurting Damien being stuck in the middle and not being able to see his best friend.
"I need to head out, Ari." Buck was the first to approach me in front of Damien's car, smiling sadly. "I have to drop Phil off at the airport then drive down to San Diego."
It was honestly a little surprising that Phil was leaving his precious Mustang in Buck's hands, but I suppose I understood. It'd be just sitting in Dad's garage otherwise.
"Do you have to go?" I whispered, straightening myself. "I just started to get to know you again."
A sad look entered his usual playful blues as he yanked me into a bone crushing hug. "I'll come visit you so often you'll wish you could get rid of me. Plus you got enough idiots to last you a lifetime."
I smiled into his chest, feeling his lips press against the top of my head. "Take care of yourself, Ari. I want to see my bad ass little sister smiling and thriving when I come to visit, you hear me?"
I bit my lip to keep my tears back and nodded, stepping back, only to fall into Phil's expectant arms a few feet away. He somehow managed to hug me tighter than Buck had; the same way he had at the beginning of summer. He was holding me as if he were afraid I'd break if he let go.
"You call me if you need anything, okay?" Phil pulled away and brushed my hair out of my eyes. "I'm so proud of the woman you're becoming, Arianna. I'm so sorry that I wasn't there to help you with Mom, that I didn't try harder to show you I cared. But I'm glad I'll get the chance to be by your side to watch you come into yourself."
A choked sob broke passed my lips and I hugged him again, shaking my head against his chest. "You better come visit, Phil."
"Of course I will, Ari." He kissed my forehead. "But we have to get going or I'll miss my flight."
I backed away from Phil, swiping my arm across my face. He and Buck exchanged a sad look before Buck headed for the Mustang.
"We love you, Ari. Call me when you get home, okay?" I nodded, and with those parting words, I watched my brother pause to say goodbye to the Holts and our Dad. Sam and Phoenix approached not long after the cherry mustang pulled out of the driveway and took off.
"I don't know what I'm going to do without you." Sam looked on the verge of tears as he reached out for me. I immediately fell into his arms, clutching him against me in a way I hadn't done with our older brothers.
I'd found that Sam had become one of my biggest sources of comfort this summer. Always having my back, giving me little philosophical lectures, and most of all, trusted me enough to fall apart in my arms. His breakdowns had showed me that I wasn't alone in this war that was raging inside me as I tried to find myself.
"You won't be that far, Sam." I reminded him. "Just an hour. Plus hopefully I'll get in and I'll be on campus next year. Then we'll be stuck with each other all the time."
Sam's chest vibrated with laughter hearing my words. I caught Nix's eyes on something, or someone, behind him as I pulled away from my brother. I knew by the way he'd stiffened it had to be Damien.
"Keep on with your quest to find yourself, beautiful fairy. I love you." Sam whispered, planting a kiss on my forehead before he stepped aside to hug Damien.
Nix and I stood a few feet apart, eyes on one another, but didn't move for a second. It was as if his brain were trying to process the right thing to say, his eyes kept drifting so they were everywhere but me.
"Nix, we can't leave things like this." I finally broke the silence. "I know you're upset and hurt, but I still love you, I need you, Phoenix. Please don't do this, don't leave me."
My words triggered my Nix and he took my face in his hands and forced me to look him in the eyes. "I would never leave you, Fae. Not now, not ever. I'll always be right here."
I tanged my arms around his neck and hugged him against me, feeling him bury his face in the crook of my neck.
"I'm so proud of you." He whispered into my neck. "I told you I'd help you find yourself this summer, Fae, but you didn't need my help at all. You did it all on your own. And I promise you'll start to love the girl you're becoming as much as I do."
I lifted my head but regretted it immediately. Nix was staring down at me with such an intensity it felt as if his eyes were burning through me. A lock of his dark hair had fallen over his right eye, and when I reached up to brush it my hand remained on his temple.
"It hurts." He finally choked. "The way this all turned out. I love you, Arianna."
I could feel my mouth growing dry upon hearing the words, but my own eyes stung with tears as I took in the expression on Nix's face. My usually lively, outgoing, silly Nix had vanished into thin air and been replaced by a sad man with desperation and vulnerability lining every inch of his face.
"I understand you need to grow more, to try and find yourself. But I love you with everything in me, do you understand that?" He caressed my cheek with the back of his index finger. "Everyone says that I'm the light, the spark, the Phoenix. But you, Arianna, you have always been my light. You have always been what I was running toward."
The moment Phoenix's voice caught in his throat I lost all ability to control my emotions. My tears began to fall from my cheeks on to his hands, but his eyes never left mine.
"I love you and my brother. And I hope for the best for both of you, I do. But you needed to understand how bad I need you in my life, Fae. Please don't ever think that, I will never leave you."
For a fraction of a second I thought he might lean down and kiss me but must have thought better because he dropped his hands from my face and secured them around my waist, burying a hand in my hair.
"Come on, Nix. We better get going." It was Sam, watching us with a curious expression. Damien had helped Hudson into the back of his car at some point during my intimate moment with Nix and was staring out the window with a bitter look.
"I'll see you in a few weeks, Fae. Know I'm always just one call away." Nix kissed my cheek, a little too close to my lips, then draped his arm over Sam's shoulder and led him to a Range Rover. I had absolutely no idea where it'd come from, as it had appeared out of thin air over night, but considering my father's history, I was sure it was probably a present.
I nodded toward my father and Aden, who were also climbing into some expensive sports car that seemingly appeared overnight, before walking around the car and climbing into the passenger's seat of Damien's Camaro.
I considered jumping in back with Hudson the second I shut my door. The anger radiating off Damien was making the car grow warm and claustrophobic.
"Damien—" I started, reaching for his hand. He retracted it and rested it on the keys in the ignition, avoiding my eyes.
"Just don't." he breathed. "I don't want to talk about it."
I sighed, leaning back in my seat, but soon felt myself liven back up a little when I felt Hudson's hand on my shoulder. I reached over and rested mine on top of his, catching his eye in the rearview and smiling.
I never in a million years would have thought this is how my life would turn out. My mother had been my best friend, my everything. When she had passed, I had thought she'd taken that light with me. But Phoenix's words had stirred something inside me I hadn't wanted to face until now.
My mother had been horrible; an abusive narcissist. She had loved me for those five years we'd spent together, she had tried everything in her power to teach me what to do to ensure I didn't end up the way she had. She was still my life, but she had never been the light. Because in those moments I remember so vividly, in the moments when the light had started to dim, it had never been within my mother, but within me.
I had been the light that tried my hardest every day to get her to try and sit up, to smile, to write sweet little notes to me. I had been the light that had talked to her every day about my brothers, wondering where they were at in life now.
"In the end, all you have is family." My mother had said on her deathbed, tears falling on to my knuckles. She hadn't spoken in months prior but had made sure to get the words out. Staring at the beach house in front of me, I caught her frail figure standing in front of the house, chapped lips curved into a smile and she nodded.
You're my light, her voice rang inside my head, don't let it go out.