I woke at 6am, eyes stinging from the tears that had fallen so freely from my eyes the night before. Leah's body was now right behind mine, she had obviously moved towards me at some point during the night. I wanted to turn around and cuddle into her. I wanted to wake her up and tell her I loved her but I didn't feel like I could. She had really hurt me last night, her dismissal of me had knocked me for six.
I slipped out of bed and headed to the bathroom to shower and get ready for work. I had a meeting today with Gavin and our new producer. I couldn't tell anyone what had happened the night before, Leah and I had an agreement that only Amanda was to know about the clinic and as upset as I was, I couldn't break it. I left as soon as I was ready whispering I love you to Leah from the bedroom door and making the 45 minute trip to the studio, trying to block out the images my mind was replaying over and over again from last night.
As I arrived, I checked my phone to see that Leah was now awake.
L - Have you gone to work?
A - Yeah, I have that meeting today.
L - I know. You're coming home though, right?
A - Yes. Later. We are recording. Will be home around 8.
L - We need to talk. We need to sort this out.
A - Yeah, I guess.
L - I can't lose you, Alex.
A - We can talk when I'm home.
L - Do I get an I love you?
A - Always. I love you, Le.
L - I love you.
No matter how upset I was with Leah, I would never not tell her I loved her. Even if we had to end, even if I didn't feel like it was right anymore. I practiced my smile in the interior mirror, checking that my eyes weren't puffy, thanking my lucky stars that this meeting wasn't a formal one and I could stay in my joggers and hoodie for it. I met Gavin in the car park and we headed in together, I knew that he could tell something was wrong but he didn't ask, probably putting it down to a marriage tiff.
After the meeting and hours of recorded, Gavin and I walked to our cars together. He placed a caring hand on my shoulder as we walked, pulling me in towards him for a hug.
"Gav, can I ask you something?" I said.
"Anything mate. What is it?" He replied, loosening his grip slightly to allow me to look at him.
"Do you ever get upset? You know, that Lyds has her parents and you don't? Do you ever feel like you don't belong in that family?" I asked, watching his face as he mulled over what I had just said.
"Sometimes I get upset, yeah. Sometimes, although I hope she doesn't have to for a very long time, I wish Lydia could feel how I feel. Not to hurt her, just so she knows how it feels." He said.
"Do you think we ever wont feel this way?" I asked, wrapping my arms around his waist to hug him.
"I think that pain will last forever but we have to explain it to them. You know how Leah explained what being benched meant to her because you didn't understand why it was so bad? That's how they are about our parents." Gavin hugged me tightly.
"Thanks, Gav. I've got to go but I'll see you at the weekend." I said as I got into my car and drove off.
What Gavin had said had made me think. I didn't need to talk to Leah about how I felt without my mum, I had done that enough times. I needed to talk to Leah about her. Why did she react that way with me? Why did she care more about her mum's upset than mine? But this was once again another time that I had to question Leah. It was never that she openly told me this stuff.
I drove home, trying to plan what I would say but knowing I would say something completely different when it came to it. When I got there, Leah was lay on the sofa, she had her hood up and her eyes left obvious signs that she had been upset most of the day. I sat in front of her, using my thumbs to wipe the tears that had restarted upon my arrival. Leah brought her hands up to rest them on top of mine. I knew I needed to talk to her but seeing her upset made me feel a certain way, I couldn't watch it. I kissed her forehead and lay down beside her, moving the blanket to cover us both and wrapping my arms around her. She returned the hug, sobbing into my hair as I let her unleash her emotion.
"I thought I was doing the right thing, Al." She cried.
"Right thing for who though, Le?" I asked.
"Everyone." Was all she could manage.
"I'm not upset that she was worried, Le. She's your mum. I just don't think you understand how it feels." I said, hugging her a little tighter to let her know that was fixable.
"I don't. That's the thing, I don't understand how it feels. I won't until I go through that too, and even then I won't because she has been here to witness my success. I try though, Alex. I really fucking try." Leah was now not even taking breaths in between her tears, meaning there was only one thing to do.
"Hey, my heartbeat. Okay? My breathing and my heartbeat?" I said, gently moving her ear to my chest as I reminded her how to breathe.
It was significantly longer this time until Leah had managed to regain her normal breathing. She clung to my hoodie as if she was forcing me to stay with her, not realising that I wasn't planning on going anywhere.
"You're safe here, I've got you. You're safe." I repeated as she began to relax.
"That makes it worse." She said, her tone flat.
"What - why?" I asked, puzzled.
"You're my safe place. You're the person that makes me feel okay again. I'm the person that fails to protect you, every time. You said last night you didn't feel safe, in bed with me. In the bed we have shared for 3 years. That's not okay, Alex. That isn't what I want for you." She began, her voice shaking as she spoke.
"So what are you saying then?" I asked, sensing I already knew what was coming.
"I'm saying I don't think I'm right for you. I don't think I'm what you need."
As Leah spoke, she gently removed herself from my grip. I think she was waiting for me to argue with her but I didn't. Leah was right for me, Leah was the only person for me but I was so shocked at her words that I couldn't make my own words come out.
Leah walked upstairs, I knew she would be going to bed, despite it only being 9pm. I pulled the blanket up to my face, smelling Leah's scent off it and feeling comforted by her presence even if she wasn't in the room. She did make me feel safe, just not last night.
I headed upstairs, walking into the room to see Leah facing the edge of the bed on her side, watching as her shoulders moved up and down in time with her tears. I knew she would expect me to be in the room to grab some clothes, probably to tell her I was going to stay with Lydia but that wasn't on the cards. When we married, Leah and I had promised to go through everything together. If we wanted to have a baby, we had to be able to work through things like this.
I got into my side of the bed, wrapping myself around Leah, my right arm stretched under her neck and my left over her waist, dropping down onto her stomach. I placed soft kisses on her shoulder and felt her hand find mine.
"I thought you would leave." Leah said vulnerably.
"I'm never leaving, Le." I whispered into her neck.
"Leah I" I began before I was cut off.
"Can I go first please?" She asked, turning to face me slowly in a bid to ensure my hand didn't fall off her.
"Yes." I said.
"I need you to know something, I need to tell you this. I need you to know why I do the things I do, I didn't want to ever say this out loud but there is nothing I won't do to save our marriage. To have a life with you. To have children with you." She said, stroking my hair as she spoke.
"I know. I'm here." I said, bringing our faces closer together.
"My anxiety, Alex. I've always been this way. It all started when I was younger, I would put so much pressure on myself to be the best in the things I did. My mum gave up so much of her life for me to succeed, she gave up her dreams to make mine come true but it wasn't just me that knew that. It was my friends, their parents, my teachers, my coaches, the people in the local coffee shop, the workers in the local bowling alley. Everywhere I turned there was someone telling me how lucky I was to have a mum that was so willing to give everything up for me. I know I was lucky but having people constantly tell you makes you feel so pressured into succeeding. As quickly as they spoke of how proud I had done her, they would've spoken of how much I had embarrassed her if I hadn't managed to succeed. I would travel for football during the week and spend my weekends catching up on school work. I had to make her proud with both inside and outside of school. It wasn't her, it was me. She would've been proud of me no matter what but when you hear enough strangers say 'do it for your mum!' you start to feel like there's really no choice. She is so fiercely loyal when it comes to me, I knew what she would do yesterday when her face changed. She would want to know I had thought it through, she would ask why you weren't doing it, why you hadn't thought about my career and why I wanted to give up football for the length of time it will take to carry our baby. That's all she knows. Protecting me from the people who may not give my career a thought when they expect me to do things, like those teachers did. Like the world did when they attacked me. I didn't banish you from the room to isolate you or make you feel lonely. I told you to go because I knew she was going into mum mode. Into my mum mood and I panicked because I knew that would highlight that my mum was still around to fight any battles I could potentially have. I knew that you would feel a certain way about that. I know it's not jealousy or envy towards me, it's hurt in your heart. It's hurt that you will always carry, that we will carry together. It's unfairness in the world that you lost your mum so young. I had to protect you from that, I had to tell her that you were the one protecting me now and I'll always need her, always. But I'll always need you too. And just as I worked to make her happy all those years ago, to make her sacrifices pay off. I was now going to give you that too. I was carrying out baby because of the sacrifices you have already made. As soon as I began to tell her that she agreed with me. She knows you have sacrificed every aspect of your life for me. I was just trying to shield you from feeling how you felt but I made the wrong decision. I wanted you there with me, I wanted to hold onto your hand but I didn't want you to sit there and listen to my mum protect me when yours isn't here anymore." Leah sighed as she finished her final sentence, almost as if she had given up.
I cuddled my head into her chest, placing my hand on her heart and feeling her heartbeat. She placed a soft kiss on my forehead as we relaxed into each other's arms.
"I thought you were showing me that your first family would always come first." I whispered.
"There is no first and second family when it comes to you, Alex. There's you and I and our family. That includes my parents, your dad and the rest of our families together." She spoke as she placed another kiss on my forehead.
"You know when you went upstairs earlier?" I asked.
"Yeah?" She responded.
"I realised that I was wrong about not feeling safe." I said softly.
"Why then?" Leah asked.
"Because the only thing in that room that brought me comfort was the blanket that smelt like you." I said, looking up into her eyes.
"I'm right here, always. You don't need a blanket that smells of me, Alex. My arms are always aching to hold you." Leah replied, tightening her grip.
"Do you still want to have a family with me?" I asked, concerned that my comments to her last night would have made her think again.
"I already have a family with you, Al. I've had a family with you since we first got together. We are just going to be adding a baby into our family." Leah spoke, gently but with such emotion in her voice that my stomach turned with butterflies.
"I'm so thankful that you are you mine, Le." I reassured her.
"Me too." She said, exhaling deeply in relief.
Leah and I entangled our bodies together and lay for as long as we could just looking into each other's eyes and falling even more in love with every blink. She held me tight, making me feel the safest I have ever felt.