I woke up the next morning and knew that I needed to decide what to do about Leah. I never truly wanted to give up on Leah, I knew that much but I had to be sure that it was the right decision for both of us. I was about to embark on another tour, the same tour that had driven a wedge between us before.
I closed my eyes and lay on my bed, imagining a world without Leah. Although she had not been active in my life recently she was still there. I didn't really know what life without Leah was like. I thought of the possibility that I needed to be on my own for a while. Do the tour and then if Leah was still there when I came back, I would know that it was what life had planned for us.
I thought of being friends with Leah. That way we could still be a part of each other's lives without having to worry that either of us would end up hurting again. That seemed like the safest option, the option that could work in both of our favours. Then I remembered the urge I had to hold her as she lay on my bed that day. The only thing that stopped me was not wanting to disrespect Grace, but she wasn't a part of this anymore. I knew that friendship wouldn't work because I knew that I was unable to be around Leah and not want to show her some kind of affection.
I sat up on my bed, lifted both letters out of my bedside drawer and read them both. Even if I sent Leah the second letter, nothing had really changed from it. I didn't know what the future held for Grace and I but rather than this being as a collective, it was now separately. I didn't know what Grace would go on to do, in the same way I didn't know right now what I wanted to do.
I had to do something. Leah had been waiting for days on a response and I didn't want her to think that I had received my closure and that meant I would never contact her again. I stood up, knowing that I had to do this. No matter how much it hurt. I had to do this for my sake and for Leah's. It was the only way. I looked at her teddy, sitting on my bed. I wondered how many times she had cried into it over me. I wasn't sure whether to send it back with the letter, I liked having it and I didn't want her to think that it was a silly idea to send it or that I hadn't appreciated it. I worried though, if I had her teddy, what would she use to comfort her now if this letter upset her?
I headed to the post office, without the teddy. I stood in the queue for what felt like forever, my hands trembling at the thought of what I was about to do. I sent the letter recorded delivery and got back into my car. My eyes watering as I drove back to my Dad's, I knew the magnitude of the decision I had just made. It was a waiting game now.
I decided to text Ellie, I needed to tell her about Grace and I.
A - Hey Els
E - Alex! How are you? I miss you!
A - I'm okay. I miss you more.
E - What's wrong?
A - Grace and I broke up. I'm sorry
E - Why are you apologising?
A - I feel like I've let you down.
E - Did you try?
A - So hard.
E - That's all that matters. Some things aren't meant to be.
A - Thanks Els. I love you.
E - I love you too.
I thought it would go worse with Ellie to be honest. Ellie didn't hate Leah, she actually really loved her. She just hated what she had done on me, which was understandable considering it was Ellie I called the night Harriet had text Leah. I needed to tell Ellie the whole story but it wasn't my story to tell.
I headed to the studio, hoping that some songwriting would take me out of this headspace. I knew if I could put my feelings right now to paper, I could turn them into something positive rather than the negativity that lingered over me right now.
I stayed in the studio until just after 1am. Leaving only when the cleaner arrived, sensing his annoyance at the fact that someone was present. I didn't blame him though, a lot of artists left this place in a state. It isn't hard to put your coffee cups in the bin.
Once I was home, I put the tracking number into the online tracking system. The letter was in England. That meant it would reach Leah in the morning, by tomorrow she would know that I had made my decision. I didn't cuddle Leah's teddy that night, it didn't feel right. Not when she had a letter coming to her with no idea what it said. I thought about texting her and giving her a heads up but I settled myself and drifted off to sleep.
— — — — —
The next morning, I woke just after 9am. I checked the tracking number again and saw that Leah had signed the letter at 8.51. Meaning she had had it in her possession for 9 minutes now. I wondered if I would even hear from her or if she would ignore it.
I tried to distract myself all day, I had no gigs booked in and no rehearsals. I decided to text Gavin, Lydia and a few of the band to see if they wanted to go to the arcade. We used to always go there before things went wild, it was our favourite place to unwind. Everyone agreed and Gavin picked me up just before lunchtime. We spent the first hour racing each other on the car machines and Lydia and I spent way too much money on the dance machine, for people in their late 20's.
What I liked about the arcade was that it was usually empty during the school term. I didn't have to worry about someone recording me or posting a picture of me making a fool of myself. We went to the arcade cafe for some food, this day was such a throwback. We had been here for almost 3 hours already and we had no plans to leave anytime soon. I think everyone was just glad to do something normal for once. Lydia and I both changed £10 into 2p's. The 2p machines got competitive between us, every single time. The boys took themselves off knowing that Lydia and I were more than willing to stand here for hours trying to beat each other. Lydia managed to get an absolute mountain of 2p's over the edge and I was rapidly running out. Every slot I picked was the wrong one. I thought carefully before picking which slot to enter my last 2p into. I decided to go with the 3rd one along but as I entered it I immediately regretted my decision. Lydia was tapping the glass on her side getting ready to cheer that I'd lost as my shouts of 'no stop I definitely have one more 2p somewhere hold on' echoed around the empty arcade. Just as Lydia was about to declare herself the winner, a hand reached over my shoulder and entered one last 2p. I could recognise that perfume from anywhere. She was here.
"Leah?" I said quietly as I turned around to see her intently watching as the 2p she entered caused a clatter of coins to drop.
"Did I just win?" Leah said, still not making eye contact with me and instead opting to look at Lydia.
"I think you did, somehow. Yeah. I'll - go see what the boys are up to." Lydia stuttered, feeling as awkward as I did. Lydia didn't know I'd sent any letter, let alone the one I did send. She walked into the distance, leaving me with Leah who had moved her eyes back to the fallen 2p's.
"Leah I -" I began but I fell silent. I didn't know what to say to her.
"Can we go somewhere?" She said, looking at me briefly and then back to the 2p's.
"Yeah sure. I'll just let them know I'm going, they'll worry you've kidnapped me." I said, trying to make a joke but Leah didn't flinch.
I found Lydia and told her I had to go, she asked what was going on and I told her, honestly, that I didn't know but I would call her later. She hugged me goodbye and I went to Leah, who was already waiting at the door. We walked in silence to Leah's hire car, I wasn't really sure where to go but I had a feeling that Leah did.
We drove in silence until we pulled up to the restaurant we had our first date in. I wasn't sure what her game plan was here and I wasn't sure this was going to turn out quite how I had planned. We got out of the car and walked to the restaurant, Leah held the door open for me and ushered me to the same table we sat at the last time. The waitress took our drink order, neither of us wanting food. I still had no idea what to say to her. When the waitress brought our drinks and moved away from the table, Leah cleared her throat before speaking.
"I got your letter this morning." She said.
"I know, I tracked it." I replied, eyes fixated on the drink in front of me.
"Did you mean it?" Leah asked.
"I wouldn't have sent it if I didn't." I responded, slightly confused as to why she was asking me that.
"Why now? After everything we have been through? Why is now the time to say that?" Leah asked, I could see a glaze over her eyes, the first emotion she's shown.
"I tried, Leah." I said, sighing slightly.
"You tried what?" She asked, her voice now shaky.
"To love someone else. Someone who wasn't you. To find happiness that wasn't tarnished by the past." I said.
"Why do you think you couldn't?" She asked, her hands shaking as she tried to cover her tears.
"I guess you were wrong. You said that two peoples person doesn't always align, I guess they do." I replied.
"What if I mess it up again, Alex? I'm not sure I can live with it." Leah's fear was breaking my heart. Had I made the wrong decision?
"Take my hand." I held my hand out for her to hold and she did, her hand still visibly trembling. I stood up, her hand still linked in mine and pulled her to her feet, right beside the table. I allowed our faces to fall into place and leaned my head in towards her, touching my lips against hers for the first time since that night in Mauritius. I felt Leah's free hand cup my face, her fingers rested just behind my ear, fingertips in my hair.
"I'm not sure I can live without you." I said as our lips broke apart.
"Did you just recreate our first date?" Leah said, blushing at the kiss.
"Yeah, I changed the ending though. I didn't like the other one." I couldn't stop staring into her eyes as we talked.
"You, Alex Ryan, are the most romantic person I know." Leah flung her arms around my neck and kissed me again before we paid the bill and left.
She drove me back to my Dad's house, agreeing to come in without hesitation. I loved how well they got along. Dad treated her like she was part of the family, I hoped one day that she would be. As we entered the house, Dad shouted from the living room.
"You found her then!" I looked at Leah confused.
"Yeah thanks Peter. I won't mess up this time, I promise." Leah shouted back.
We headed to my room, the image of Leah crying on my bed that day now feeling like a distant memory. As we got changed into more comfortable clothes, I had to ask her what my Dad meant.
"Le, how did my Dad know?" I probed.
"I came here to talk to you, he said you went out. Told me you'd be at the arcade." I rolled my eyes at her.
"I obviously figured that out. How did he know you messed up though?" I questioned, again.
"I text him, after Mauritius. I told him that I had been unfaithful. I needed to know that you were going to be okay and I knew you wouldn't tell him what had happened. I knew you would try to protect me." She said, pulling me onto the bed and wrapping her arms around me.
"He knew? This whole time? Why didn't he ever tell me?" I asked.
"He wants you to be happy. He told me that once you told him the truth, that's when he would know you were okay without me." Leah pulled me in close to her, kissing my forehead.
"And what happened then? If he told you I was okay without you?"
"Then I promised him I would let the idea of us go and love you from afar." Leah spoke gently into my ear.
I knew in that moment that I'd made the right choice. This road with Leah hadn't been easy, it hadn't been painless but it had been life's plan all along.
Leah spent the whole night with her arms wrapped tightly around me. She must've kissed me a thousand times. As I started to doze off, I heard her whisper to me once more.
"Alex?"
"Yeah, Le?"
"I'm going to love you for the rest of my life, I promise."
"I'm going to love you for the rest of mine too."
And with that, we fell asleep, our bodies intertwined like we had been that first night in Manchester.