I awoke the next morning to the smell of pancakes, Grace was no longer in bed beside me and I shook off the feeling of Leah that was lingering in my head. I went downstairs to see Grace dancing around the kitchen in my T-shirt, decorating pancakes with blueberries. I stood in the doorway, watching her every move for a few minutes before she noticed me.
"Alex! How long have you been standing there?" She covered her face.
"Long enough to know why you never became a professional dancer." I joked back.
"Well I was going to invite you to have breakfast with me but maybe there's some dancer you would rather be with." She playfully joked back but it struck a nerve. Did she know that I had been thinking about Leah last night? Is that why she made a joke about someone else?
"What - no. What are you talking about?" I stuttered back.
Alex walked towards me, slightly laughing in an affectionate way and threw her hands around my neck, giving me a peck on the lips.
"I'm joking Alex, you can chill." She kissed me again, a little heavier this time.
"Did you say we were having breakfast?" I asked, breaking away from the kiss.
"You're boring. But yes, your table awaits." She said, messing around like a little kid. I loved this side of Grace, it came out when she was genuinely happy and I knew that she was happy because I'd gone public with her last night. I think she wondered if I would ever be happy to do that, if I would ever be okay with Leah knowing I had moved on. I was, I wasn't even thinking about Leah on the red carpet but today, she's just stuck in my brain.
As we ate breakfast, I scrolled through the news headlines. I was gutted to learn that Gavin's award got a one sentence mention but my appearance with Grace made headline news in the entertainment section. Sometimes fame sucks. Why was it more important that I was in a relationship than Gavin winning an award for the incredible work he does. I sighed and continued to read the article. As I read the last line, my eyes widened and my heart began to thump.
Ex, Leah Williamson, seems to approve of the match as she liked the picture of the two and a tweet from a fan that read: It's so nice to see Alex Ryan smiling again.
Oh god. I hadn't even though of that. Should I have text Leah before I went public? Maybe I should've let her know. But then again, she didn't let me know about Harriet and we were together then.
Over the next few weeks, the guilt of sleeping beside Alex but thinking of Leah that night consumed me. I kept trying to make up for it by extravagant dates and trips away with Grace.
We flew to Tokyo to meet Ellie, she had some time off work but we hadn't actually been over to see her yet, she was always coming to us. Grace only had one weeks leave left before she would be returning to prepare for the All Irelands, meaning we would see a lot less of each other so this trip away was perfectly timed. As we walked into arrivals, Ellie ran towards us both, jumping onto us and crying (as always) at the happiness of being reunited again. She sat on top of our suitcases on the trolley and Grace ran with her, I took my phone out and recorded it, posting it to my Instagram story.
You can take the children out of Belfast but you can't take Belfast out of the children @elliegreen97 @GraceMurphyIreland
We arrived to Ellie's apartment, which was extremely clean and tidy for Ellie.
"Ellie. Do you have a cleaner?" I asked, laughing at the unlikeliness that Ellie was cleaning the apartment herself.
"No, just a very tidied BOYFRIEND!" She jumped up and down, like a little kid.
"I knew it!!!! Didn't I tell you this Grace? She was too smiley and ugh gross" I playfully returned, bringing Grace onto my side.
"Grace Murphy - you remember who set you up with this beauty before you take sides" Ellie was quick, always had been.
"That would make me not take your side Ellie, she's hard work you know!" Grace began to wheel her case to our bedroom before realising she had no idea where she was going.
Once we were settled, Grace went for a nap. She didn't get much sleep on the plane, the slightest noise keeps her awake but I could sleep through anything if I'm tired enough. I headed to the sofa, placing my head onto Ellie's lap, she got the hint and began to stroke my hair looking down into my eyes and I knew what was coming.
"Come on, spit it out. What is it?" Ellie said, sighing slightly at my drama.
"I don't know Els. Grace is great, she's really great. She's amazing and kind and funny and beautiful and she's one of the best people I've ever met but she's -" I was cut off before I could finish speaking.
"Not Leah?" Ellie said, sounding a little aggrieved.
"I don't know. No. That's not what I said. I'm not really sure. I hadn't thought about Leah in ages right, then we go to the awards and suddenly I couldn't sleep thinking about her. She liked the post of me and Grace. Like what does that even mean?" I rambled.
"Look Al, I love you. But you have to realise that what Leah done, for literally no reason, is not okay. She hurt you in ways I'd never seen you hurt before. You gave her your heart and she tore it in two. I love Leah, I think she's a great person but if it's a choice between Grace who has never given you a reason to doubt and Leah that cheated on you and then refused to tell you why, I know who I'm picking. If she had a good reason then MAYBE I would consider it but to just do it because you might hug a fan? C'mon Al, that's not on." Ellie finished her sentence by shrugging her shoulders. I knew she was right. Maybe if Leah hadn't left me so high and dry with the whole Harriet thing we could've worked it out but to just basically say it was a 'I'll hurt you before you hurt me' type thing wasn't good enough.
I headed back to bed, wrapping my arms around Grace and cuddling her into my chest.
"I love you." She whispered. It was the first time she had said those words to me and I didn't feel the fireworks I felt with Leah, I didn't know what to say the way I did with Leah. I just kissed her head and hoped she would fall back to sleep but didn't. She turned to face me, playing with my fingers and looking into my eyes.
"Do you think you could love me?" She asked, breaking my heart at her hopefulness.
"I do love you Grace." I responded.
"No, I mean be IN love with me." Caught.
"I hope to be, one day. Yes. I don't see any reason that I couldn't be." I said, trying to articulate this as gently as I could.
"I do." She insisted.
"What is it?" I replied, a little confused at where this was coming from.
"I don't think you can love anyone, like be in love, until you've gotten closure from Leah Al, I think you need that." She continued stroking my hair as she interlocked our fingers. Maybe she was right, maybe I just needed to get closure and then I would be able to move on, fall in love. In love with Grace.
"Maybe. But I don't think I'll ever get that G, she just gives me bullshit excuses." At this point I was beginning to wonder if this conversation was telling me that I could never love again. If I couldn't love until Leah gave me closure, does that mean that if Leah won't give me closure I am stuck in this place forever?
"Let's just enjoy our time here but when we get home you're texting her. She has to give you something to go off."
As quickly as Grace said this she fell back to sleep. I took out my phone and began to scroll through the notifications. I had a lot of replies to my story, people laughing at Ellie and Grace and others telling me to ensure I got a photo if Ellie fell off. I checked to see who had viewed my story, of course Leah had been one of the first. Was she doing this to keep herself in my head? I started to get frustrated at Leah. I didn't understand why it was so hard for me to fall out of love with her.
The week went by in a flash, we met Ellie's boyfriend and went to a lot of tourist attractions. Life was busy in Tokyo, constantly moving and changing. Time waited for no one and I think that's what Ellie liked about here. Ellie didn't like to have too much time to think or review, she liked to keep moving forward and finding her next goal. That's the biggest difference we had, I reviewed every aspect of my life.
As Grace and I returned to Belfast, I knew she would soon be telling me I had to text Leah. I think Grace was starting to get impatient now, despite refusing to openly say it. I understood it, I wanted to love her. I wanted to only think about her but no matter how much I tried, something pulled me back.
A few days later, the conversation took place. Grace explained that she didn't blame me for needing closure. She didn't blame me for being cautious or being afraid of the same thing happening when I didn't know why it had. She told me to text Leah, I asked her what I should say and she selflessly told me that was my decision. She said it was between Leah and I and that she trusted me to respect her throughout the conversation. I waited a few hours and sent the text:
A - Hey Leah. Can we talk?
L - Sure. Everything okay?
A - Yeah. Well kinda. I need to know what happened. What went wrong and where I failed, I need to know what I did to make you unhappy. I know it's been a while and it'll hurt us both to talk about this again but for me to move forward, I have to stop looking back.
L - I don't have a reason Alex. I told you that night what went through my head. I can't give you anymore than that. I want you to know that you thinking you 'failed' to make me happy is completely incorrect. You made me happy in ways I can't describe.
A - Okay. Thanks I guess. I don't buy it but I should never have expected you to be truthful anyway. Goodbye Leah.
L - You don't know how much I wish I could say the right thing. Bye Al.
Closure was clearly not something Leah understood. If I didn't fail to make her happy, why would she do that to me? I guess we'll just have to go with the idea that I simply wasn't good enough for Leah. Maybe there is no closure, maybe closure comes in the form of accepting that sometimes the things you want most in life are the things you can't have.