Leah POV
Life without Alex was weird, kind of empty if I'm honest. I smile but I'm smiling with my face rather than my heart, like I used to when we first got together. I didn't blame her for leaving me though, I mean technically I pushed her. I had my reasons though, reasons that I probably should have told her.
I thought about giving up football, for a while. It's hard being in the public eye all the time, everyone deciphers your body language, panics when you haven't been spotted in a while and makes assumptions about why I mistimed a tackle against someone, purely a mistake but on social media it was because my heart was so broken that I couldn't concentrate.
In the end though, I captained my team to a World Cup win. My reasoning for not giving up was purely Alex. Of course I took my parents, brother and team into consideration but when it came down to the final moments, Alex was who I thought about. I knew if she read that I had given up on my passion, she would worry about me. Maybe even end up taking me back for fear that I wouldn't be okay. As much as I wanted her back though, I couldn't allow her to take me back for that reason. I had been selfish enough and selfishness and love are not two components that mix well together.
I know my teammates worry about me a lot, especially the night of the World Cup after party. I was never one to stay at parties until the final hour but that night, I cut the cake and raised a toast to the team and took myself to bed. I tossed and turned, read through my old messages with Alex and scrolled through our photos together. One in particular stood out to me, taken by my mum at a family gathering. I was sat beside Alex as she spoke to my Aunt, my mum sent it to me the next day with the caption "I wish someone looked at me the way you looked at her!"
Mum was mad at me after Mauritius, she told me I couldn't keep letting my mind do this to me but I couldn't help it. I thought about telling her we had grown apart, leaving out the part about Harriet to save myself the earache but I knew that my mum would automatically think Alex had broken my heart and I couldn't bare the thought of Alex being someone my mum didn't see as the good, loyal and loving person that she was. Is.
It was easier when I knew I was still on her mind. She used to watch my stories almost right away, liked my posts and tweets before anyone else really had. Text me good luck before important matches and text me randomly asking if something was in my apartment, knowing that it wasn't but it made our names come up on each other's phone that one last time. Sometimes I wondered if she got notifications for my posts. But recently, Alex would rarely even watch them. I would endlessly scroll through the views in the hope of seeing her name but it never came. She would like my posts about football but never my personal pictures. I don't blame her though, every time she liked a picture, Twitter would blow up with notifications from people suggesting we were talking again, it made it hard to enjoy time on social media at all.
I've spent a lot of time trying to heal, developing new hobbies and studying. My friends have tried to get me to date several times but I have no interest. I firmly believe that Alex is my person and I lost her. That was my own fault and if I have to live with that forever then I will. The thought of being with someone else makes my stomach feel like it's been in a blender. The last lips to touch mine belonged to Alex, and I was happy with that.
We have a match tonight, against City. We've been performing better in the last few seasons, revenue has increased from tickets sales soaring and we have been able to secure better players. It's an important game for us, so as always I'll stay off social media before it to try to avoid reading any negativity that would take my head to somewhere else other than the game. I arrived at the stadium, checking my fake smile in the mirror before I got out of my car. I greeted some fans who stood at the gates of the entrance, signing autographs and taking pictures before entering the changing rooms and trying to join in with the atmosphere but still feeling the same heaviness in my heart.
After the match, I stayed for the team talk and quickly exited the grounds. I drove back to my apartment and once I had showered and got ready for bed I lifted out my phone to see what people were saying about our 3-1 win. I favourited a few fan tweets and liked the Arsenal Instagram post before scrolling down my timeline. That's when my heart stopped, I felt like it had stopped completely and breathing suddenly became difficult. My eyes filled with tears, not giving me time to collect my thoughts before they began escaping to my cheeks.
"Alex Ryan confirms relationship with Olympic Champion Grace Murphy, stepping onto the red carpet together in Belfast for the Events Awards."
There she was, my beautiful soulmate. She was dressed in a red dress, her hair in an up-style and that warm, loving smile on her face. Beside her, a flawless blonde with huge brown eyes and a gentle smile. They were hand in hand as they posed for pictures, Alex wrapping her arm around the girl's waist to pull her closer as they smiled and laughed together. Alex looked happy, she looked beautiful.
I did the thing they tell you not to, I began to search Twitter typing 'Alex Ryan Grace Murphy' into the search bar and scrolling through tweets.
Are Alex Ryan and Grace Murphy dating??? Anyone see that picture of them at the cinema together?
Alex Ryan/Grace Murphy is the duo we all need!!
Grace Murphy is so pure and wholesome, the perfect match for Alex🥺
My heart can't take this. If Alex Ryan is with Grace Murphy that means there is no hope for Alex and Leah😢
Wonder if Alex told Leah about Grace?
Alex Ryan has finally confirmed it!!! We were all right! They hid it well I must say.
Grace Murphy and Alex Ryan smiling to each other on the red carpet will make me sleep easier tonight
Can someone check on Leah please, those pictures of Alex Ryan and Grace Murphy are clearly showing love???
Alex Ryan taking time out of singing at the same time Grace Murphy is on rest... Do I sense this has been going on for a while?
Alex Ryan and Grace Murphy have been at charity events together for FOREVER. I wonder how this happened all of a sudden? No sign of them ever being a thing before? Someone played Cupid possibly?
I know Alex Ryan and Grace Murphy are cute but can we please compare this picture to the pictures we have of Alex and Leah? I will fight anyone who says they aren't getting back together.
Bet Leah is maddddd she thought she was too good for Alex Ryan now!
The last one hurt the most. I didn't think I was too good for Alex, I thought Alex was too good for me. The reason it hurt me so much that a stranger thought that is because I knew that's what Alex thought too. How could she not? I jumped into bed with someone else whilst she was trying to keep us afloat. But that's not why I did it, not because I thought I was too good for her.
I did the only thing I knew how to do when things were in this state. I text my mum.
L - Hey Mum, are you still awake?
Am - Yes darling, everything ok?
L - Have you seen the pictures of Alex?
Am - No?
L - [Link]
Am - Oh Leah. You knew this was coming, what are you going to do?
L - What can I do? She's happy.
Am - You could tell her the truth?
L - I can't do that Mum.
Am - Why not?
L - If I tell her that I purposely trampled all over her heart because I was too afraid to tell her that I was struggling, what's she going to do? Feel bad for me. She will feel like she has to be there for me, she'll feel like she wasn't supportive enough, like if she hadn't gone on tour none of this would've happened. Right now, she has no reason to blame herself, that's how it should be. She has done nothing wrong but she's too empathetic to ever see this like that.
Am - Alex was the kindest person I'd ever met Leah. Do you really think she wouldn't have understood you needing the doctor to give you something to help your anxiety and your mood? She might feel all of those things but she might also feel like she has closure. Right now, Alex has no idea why you threw what you two had away.
L - I've lost her now anyway Mum. She's better off without me. Someone that can't handle a bit of online abuse. Goodnight.
Am - I'm sorry. Goodnight LeLe.
L - Mum?
Am - Yes darling?
L - Do I text her to say congratulations? Or is that stupid?
Am - If you aren't going to tell her the truth then I would allow her to get on with her life. It's only fair and what I would want for you.
L - Thanks mum. Love you.
I think I cried until just after sunrise, eventually my eyes couldn't take the burning any longer and closed themselves before anymore tears could form. If I had told Alex, would she have loved me the same? Or would she have thought I was a let down? Would she have thought that I was too unstable? Would she too have worried about what it would do to her reputation if it came out that I was struggling?
These were the thoughts that went through my head as we were flying to Mauritius. I wanted so much to tell Alex that I was suffering quite severely at the hands of trolls that were intent on Lucy being given the captaincy over me. They said I didn't deserve to play, it was small minority mum said but to me it felt like the entire world. All I could think about was Alex's reputation. She was so heavily linked to me, she wanted me at all of her shows and brought me along to any event she had a +1 for, if I got removed from captain, how embarrassing would that be for her? Just as she was making it big. I pictured the headline:
Alex Ryan girlfriend loses England Captaincy due to inability just as singer breaks into the charts in America.
Or even worse...
Alex Ryan halts show due to intense booing and chanting from Bronze fans that believe girlfriend Williamson should step aside from captaincy.
On that day when I met Harriet to talk about the idea of stepping down, she told me I was strong and courageous. She was trained in media and she told me she'd never met anyone that could handle this as well as I was. She told me I should make an appointment with my GP and they would prescribe me something that would take the edge off the anxiousness. She became the support that Alex wasn't. Alex didn't do anything to help me, or say anything. She told me I was amazing all the time, of course. But she never said "you're so strong for battling through the thoughts in your head right now". And I began to think that Harriet was special because I heard it from her.
That night, when Alex left our hotel room, she gave me a speech. It was during that speech that I realised that Alex would've said all of those things, if she knew. If I had told her. She would've flew home to go with me to the doctor. She would've held me when I felt like I couldn't move. She would've told me everyday how strong I was, how proud of me she was. She would've personally taken on every single person that had ever wronged me. She would've hid away with me if that's what I wanted. The only person that had ever truly made me feel happy was Alex. She was the only person that truly loved me for the person I was, truly loved me for the broken parts she didn't even know existed because her presence made them seem so fixed.
I remember reading a book once, it said that the only person that can cause our failure is ourselves, I wish I had listened to it.
I didn't text Alex in the end, I didn't want to make her think about me when she had moved on. I figured she probably hadn't thought about me for a while, so I didn't see the point in opening up old wounds.
I did, however, like the Instagram post. Just to let her know I was happy for her. Even if I was devastated for myself, I love Alex enough to be happy that she is happy.